u/JeremyBerami

My mom's got issues, ive always known shes got issues and I know it's because of me

Recently she was just kinda manic and dazed and almost let something really dangerous happen. I didn't try ti confront her or anything but i guess i looked too silent and peaceful cuz she decided to go off on me

She went on and on, saying her backs hurts, she needs more painkillers, that docters and therapists dont know anything, that I don't care, asking over and over again what I thought was wrong with her, how everyone hates her and she should kill herself, ect

I'm honestly so damn tired. For a while I thought she had bipolar so I thought she couldn't help it, i was told this by every therapist i went to for myself as an excuse for every horrible thing she's done. Turns out it's not true, she has a diagnosis for depression and is on medication for it, and is taking other medicines because she "needs them"

My whole family sucks, i can tell we're all mentally ill, but my mom specifically perpetuates it so much. She let my brother groom and grope me, she's been negligent to me since birth, i never went to a proper school, she's a hoarder and buys so much shit every day, she's taken me to so meny so called "therapists" That she was in cahoots with and knew everything i said, who tried to get me on meds at 8 to get me to "stop being so annoying and needy ", she's guilt tripped me so meny times on killing herself

Its horrible to say, but i dont care anymore. I dont care if my mom kills herself. She's made me cry and sob apologiseing thinking she would, then laughed in my face.She is a women who has struggled, but i dont care

She's gonna say it again soon to get a reaction out of me but I really, really have no fucks to give

I don't care

So ive been cutting since i was 8 years old, back then i used a shitty old knife so i dont have meny scars from then,( also i only did it cuz my brother told me to)

Recently, i found a few of my diaries from back then (I'm 17 now) and i got so triggered by it.

I went through a lot of trauma then to do with my body and autonomy. Grooming, being molested, being taken to docters and therapists who told me I was attention seeking and it wasn't bad enough to warrant medical care or that i was a girl so scarring my body would lower my chances of getting a husband and happy life, my family are hoarders and always have been and for whatever reason during my early years they blamed me for it, taking food away, giving me moldy food, ect

I only went through one of 6 diaries and ive haven't felt the urge so strong in a while. During this period of my life I was actually really stubbornly trying to be happy, in every page of something horrific happening i literally end with "but im gonna be happy anyways >:3" but reading it now i feel angry. Really angry

Angry for... something?? I don't know why

My body is mine now, more then it ever has been for me, and I'm not really going through anything that's making me hate myself and my body, not to that extent.

Its like all that anger i was suppressing is coming out now. But I really don't get why. That horrible time is over, i should feel happy. But im not

Anybody got any ideas????

(Long ass ramble) (Very depressing and sort of confusing) (TW self harm)

My parents have been hoarding since the second I was born. They have given me everything but care. They got me a million baby shoes but didn't feed me properly. This only happened after my birth so everyone who knows says it's my fault.

I'm asian and where I come from particularly, the standard for caring for kids is low. I can count on both hands how meny times I've been beaten while most children are beaten till they are adults/too big. I was given meny material things while just being ignored, as opposed to being nagged or scolded.

Every single person that's knows me says I'm ungrateful. My therapist, teachers, principals, docters, dentists, classmates, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents.

I started cutting to feel like i got what I deserved

I didn't go to school since my mother found it too "rigid"

She got into "unschooling" and sent me to a very religious tween daycare,

I was illiterate till 12 and after nearly killing myself, (and more horrifyingly almost being sent to an equivalent of a 1940"s insane asylum) I decided to try to homeschool myself. I couldnt study maths or science since my familys thought it was "too much" for me but I managed ok. (Though living with rats, roaches, flies and way too many animals was hell)

The only kids ive ever interacted with were from my first school who found out about my family and gave me hell for it, and a class of very nice students i briefly knew during my self homeschooling time. To finish i had to go to some classes to prove i was actually studying.

They were kind to me and so were the teachers. When i brought spoilt or really simple foods, they didnt make fun of me, when i forgot my lunch the teacher offerd to order some for me and didn't call me a fatass.

It was nice. So of course I had to go and fuck it up.

I was dismissive towards everyone and pushed them all away. Mom pulled me out of those classes.

I got good grades on my most important exams somehow, and wanted to go to high-school (11th and 12th grade, basically)

I went for the first time a month ago. I quit

I was exited but tried to be realistic. I dont know basic maths, science, never bought a single thing myself, don't know how to go anywhere at all by myself.. meny things to get bullied for. Then it happened. On the third day, the teachers were getting increasingly cruel, tearing up books, calling students up in front to make stupid poses.

Then it got to me. The psychology teacher made me an example then almost tore my textbook for being outdated (it was the only one I could find and most didn't even have theirs yet) She started going off on me, my sh scars, that I'm skinny, my family, saying i must have it good to be to this incapable. After class she screamed at me for saying thank you "obnoxiously"

That day I came home and relapsed like never before

I couldn't take it. I went back to homeschooling after that

Right now I'm sitting, staring at my ceiling, closing my windows extra tight cuz theirs a rat on the roof of the house. Eating food after making sure it didnt have any roaches in it

I think about those success stories of celebrities who had tough upbringings, getting through all of it and turning into great people living extravagant lives. Or just people who left home or became independent way sooner as a result of their hoarder familys. Finding stability and success on their own

I don't think i have it in me. It feels like I fail at everything I try. I dont think i had great chances to begin with. Will I grow to get married young, finally move out of my parents house, to the disposal of my husband? Only existing for children and sex. Id have food to eat atleast.

I don't want that. But it's only gonna get harder from here isn't it? I could try homeschooling myself again, learning Independence, but it's so hard. I'm so tired. Cleaning constantly, i feel like a maid. The trash keeps piling.

I don't want to do this anymore. I cant take it

Is there any one else in the world who experienced this?

My parents are extremely negligent and I'm still a teenager (a pretty stupid, incapable one too)

Recently I've been trying to take better care of myself, basic things, but new i me. Ive rarely been taken to doctors or dentists (despite having pretty bad teeth and medical issues) and it's been a real fight with my mother

I think I have a cavity and just now mentioned it to my mom. I told her id like to have a say in what she tells them or what they do to me, and just by that she's gone nuts. She turns hysterical when she's mad but sometimes she'll keep it to herself before later loosing it at me. Right now she's silently waiting for a reason to scream at me..

Ive never taken care of myself well, everyone around me was pretty happy to see me rot, so brushing my teeth was something I started doing in my tweens. Up till that point I had the most painful cavities and infections you could imagine. And, if I got to go, the dentist would blame me, and shed give me very little anesthesia for horrendously painful procedures which my mother agreed to.

When I saw the cavity, the memories of infected cavities id had for years as a kid came flooding back. I wanted it to be taken care of immediately and told my mom. In her eyes this is nothing, she's left me in way worse conditions before

I had really had it in my mind to look after myself recently, I don't think living with a cavity that will only get worse follows that though. I know for a fact if I'm not insistent, then I won't get to go, and even if I do, whatever follows is probably going to be painful

I'm really determined to not be stagnant, to move forward in any way at all if only to say ive tried.

I think I should fight and go, but I'm losing sleep writing this, I need to be less of a coward, to do something... but.. should I?

(Super long, sad vent)

Ive only ever been homeschooled or gone to "alternative" schools, and this month, I dropped out of regular school.

My only chance at normal life, gone

I was homeschooled (if you could even call it that) by my mom since forever, although I did go to some type of school here and there.

I obviously didn't learn anything as a kid so my mom tried to get me to go to these really weird unschooling kind of schools. I enjoyed the human contact for a while then covid happened. During then I realized how hellish my family was even compared to the other crazies and ,through the internet, how behind I was in literally everything

School started again after and I had some of the worst experiences of my entire life. My shithead sibling got into some trouble (he's lots older then me), started doing substances, and, grooming me (well it started sooner then that but I hadn't noticed)

The worst came when I went to "school" everyday smelling of weed, sweat and other things. Word spread like wildfire and since it was basically a big parents gossip group, these extremely religious family's started to shame me, saying I brought it on myself and to stay away from their kids (in a class on 7)

I couldn't take it anymore and quit. My mom wanted to school me herself again, though i managed to homeschool myself through my country's basic education exam and get good grades

Now, I wanted to go to regular school (it guess what most country's would call high school?). I knew internally i would be behind in lots of things, but I felt I had to go.

Forward to my first day, the teachers announced the pride of the school was they're disapline and pressure.

I was like.. ok well they cant be that serious we're only like 15-17, they cant do anything too crazy. Then they, the teachers started talking about all the lives of the students, personal details to give examples of worthlessness

They really started to get into the nitty gritty of all the horrible "sins" kids could do and how they'd get they're punishments one way or another. Including molesting, rape, literall murder, suicide ect. I was horrified and confused but somehow no one else was, it was the first day and id made a friend and I asked her if this was crazy, she kinda agreed but shrugged it off, then a day passed, then another and nobody in this nearly 70 person class thought it was that strange. They shared experiences of crazy teachers from their own schools and said this "wasn't the worst".

My mental health hit quite the low during which I was almost made to stay late for uncorrect beliefs and "disrespectful behavior" when class ends late in the day as is, the worst of being when teachers (multiple) nearly ripped my textbook because it wasn't the one she wanted. They just kept degrading me and I even thought of going to the psychward if i could escape these people.

I couldn't imagine this is what most kids experience. I felt so torn, was i just a coward who couldn't take it or was this bad? If this is the type of beliefs they had, would i be shamed again?

I came home most days in tears, and announced i wanted to quit and continue homeschooling. I don't think I've ever felt like a bigger failure

My home life isn't great, I spend my time in my room or as a mini housewife, and now it's going to stay that way.

My parents probably won't let me try again even if i wanted to, holding this against me for the rest of forever as evidence school isn't for me.

But I'm the idiot that decided to quit

It felt like picking poison, something horrible I knew or something I didn't know

No more math's, learning independence, social skills, going to the doctor or relationships for me

My parents are negligent. In a loooot of different ways.

My family's super dysfunctional but the worst part is nobody addresses anything going on, they seriously pretend we're the happiest family in the world.

We've had lots of pets out of (they claim) my insistence. Most died, got stolen or ran away.

The bird i have today came with a flock. 9 birds died almost immediately. Two survived, and were completely ignored. Then one of the two died. My parents left it's body in the cage with the other bird so long I cant remember. It didn't feel real, there was nothing I could do

I'm a little older now, have my own room and begged for the bird to be moved with me (it was previously near our front door). I got my wish and... everyone paid attention to the bird. Suddenly it was fun to acknowledge it.

Getting pets and them dying is something that's been happening to me since forever. I learnt to be apathetic in case my emotions make my family hurt them further, when I moved the bird to my room i wandered why I did it, I guess I wanted him to know a semblance of relief

He didn't look too well since the beginning (obviously). I remember crying looking at him wondering if it was better to have left him, let him die sooner so it could all be over

Now he's really dying, and worse, there's nothing, absolutely nothing i can do.

A really stupid, selfish part of me thinks if he manages to live, I could give him a better life. I could show him joy

I feel stupid wanting him to live, like it'd be anything but misery but disgusting for wanting him to die

What am I supposed to feel? I feel so numb but I almost don't want the feeling to go away..

Looking for literally any response, anything at all

My bird is dying, I don't know how to feel.

My parents are negligent. In a loooot of different ways.

My family's super dysfunctional but the worst part is nobody addresses anything going on, they seriously

pretend we're the happiest family in the world.

We've had lots of pets out of (they claim) my insistence. Most died, got stolen or ran away.

The bird i have today came with a flock. 9 birds died almost immediately. Two survived, and were completely ignored. Then one of the two died. My parents left it's body in the cage with the other bird so long I cant

remember. It didn't feel real, there was nothing I could do

I'm a little older now, have my own room and begged for the bird to be moved with me (it was previously near our front door). I got my wish and... everyone paid attention to the bird. Suddenly it was fun to acknowledge it.

Getting pets and them dying is something that's been happening to me since forever. I learnt to be apathetic in case my emotions make my family hurt them further, when I moved the bird to my room i wandered why I did it, I guess I wanted him to know a semblance of relief

He didn't look too well since the beginning (obviously). I

remember crying looking at him wondering if it was better to have left him, let him die sooner so it could all be over

Now he's really dying, and worse, there's nothing, absolutely nothing i can do.

A really stupid, selfish part of me thinks if he manages to live, I could give him a better life. I could show him joy.

I feel stupid wanting him to live, like it'd be anything but misery, but disgusting for wanting him to die

How am I supposed to feel?