u/Just_Call_Me_Josh

Will my doctor be able see my test results? I’m worried they’ll see and stop prescribing me TRT.

I’m currently on 200 test C/week. Thinking about upping it to 500 and maybe adding something else in with it.

I love you. I hate you. I'm terrified of you. After all these years. I can't get over you. I can't move on. I can't heal. I've tried. God knows I've tried so hard. You moved on so fast. So I tried to do the same. Even through all this pain I carried, I've tried. Hell I even got married and had a child. But still nothing ever really worked. I've always wanted you. I want my life to be in yours and yours in mine but I know. I know it would never work. I'm clingy. I'm jealous. I'm controlling. I'm all the things that pushed you away the first time. You hurt me too deeply too many times. I forgave you with my words but my heart couldn't manage it. I couldn't lose you, I couldn't trust you. It was like trying to hold the wind. Constantly asking what you're doing, who you're with, when you're coming home. Worried you were with another man. Sometimes I wonder what kind of life, what kind of person I would be if you had never left me your number on that day. I tried to let go I tried to forgive myself and forgive you but everythings still here with me. It's been 6, almost 7, fucking years and it feels as if my life is at a standstill and never moves from that time when I lost you. I know I could take you back. I know you'd stay for me. I could try to pretend like everything was different now but I know my wall will never come back down. My trust could never come back up after the betrayal and heartache I've had from you. But I'm still here. I'm still me. The same nick that was here when you left. I know I could take you back and god knows I want to but in a year, in 2 in 5 you'll want something else again, I'll grow comfortable again, you'll go searching for that spark again and I'll just relive my worst nightmare all over again. I wish there was a way. I'd drop everything in a heartbeat if there was a way. I just want my life with you I never got to live. I want us to be a family. It's all I really want. All I have ever wanted since you left. I will always love you. I'm fucking hopeless. I can't even tell you these things because it will just hurt you to hear them. I don't want you to hurt more than you are. You've been through so much in your life that it's unfair of me to even tell you how I truly feel. Even if I did tell you, it doesn't change anything. It doesn't change this fucked up stalemate I've been in all this time. I'm trapped in a purgatory of melancholy and hopelessness. I wish something could give me an answer or a goddamn sign on how to get out of this place but I fear I may never escape. I managed to dull the pain over these years and I thought I could handle it now. I knew I hadn't healed but I thought maybe I'd healed enough. I thought being with you this weekend would be okay. I though the numbness could hide it all for me. I had to see you. I thought I was stronger than I am. I am not. You’re my weakness, and this dulled pain has been sharpened into a cruel edge to torture me once more. Now you're going back to your new home and your new life and you tell me that you had fun and that you want to come back soon to do it all over again. You tell me your head is all messed up about everything. I know you want to stay. If I just said the word. If only I could tell you the truth of it all. If only there was a way to say these words like a spell and I could change the past I could make all this better again. But I'll just sit here with these words. The words I'll never say to you. The words no one will ever hear from me. But here we are. Me and these goddammed words. I choke on them.

Just a concept but I think this would be awesome. Maybe make it so that you can only send mail to characters on your own account so that its “account found”. That would be a little more forgiving so that when you lose your main, at least you still have all the stuff on your bank alt.