u/KnowledgeSmall

My friend and I are at the park right now: we walked all the way from steel vengeance and to valraven and not one coaster is running. Is there a park wide break we don’t know about?

I still have about 27lbs until I’m a normal BMI. And I could probably go lower even after that. My goal isn’t really just a weight, it’s an overall lifestyle change. I want to be athletic. Truly athletic. An athlete, running, lifting, and hiking, being strong in general. Have visible muscle definition. I went from a size 24 to a size 12. But when I look at my body, I still see a fat girl in the mirror. I bought some shorts the other day. I used to never wear shorts. They fit great but all I can focus on is my cellulite, or how my knees look a little droopy. I love wearing tank tops now because my shoulders look really nice. But when my arms are unflexed at my sides, they look kinda lumpy and just as big as they used to, at least to me anyway. Don’t even get my started on my belly and hips. Even under my chin I have a tiny little waddle.

I know all the potential fixes. Surgery (expensive and terrifying.) Weight Training (still doing it but I doubt I’ll fill my arms and legs back up to 15in and 30 inches around when I was at my heaviest.) Time and acceptance is probably the most healthy. But I have no idea how to do that. And when I look in the mirror, sometimes I find myself saying “You did all this work, just to still be kinda fat.” And I know I started at a weighed weight, and I still have a way to go. Just wanted to vent.

I decided to get a cathedral length lace gown for my wedding because ✨drama ✨. But the aisle I’m walking down is mostly dirt and cobble stone. I didn’t think much of it until I saw a photo of a bride walking down that same aisle and her lace train was brown and very dirty. She only walked from the parking lot to the garden where the ceremony was taking place. I know it’s very old fashioned, but would it be weird if I asked one of my fiancé’s groomsman’s young sons to carry it for me down the aisle? I’d rather not bustle it until after the ceremony, as I really do like the train, and the only dirt paths we would encounter are just on the way to the ceremony place. The rest of the time, we would be on grass.

In the beginning of March last year, I said that I was going to start losing weight. I was tired of looking at myself in the mirror and seeing all of the things that I could not do. All of the clothes that I could not fit into. I chose myself for the first time ever. I was 300.3 pounds. Today I am 178 pounds. And you might say, “OP, your water is too wet? Your beach too sandy? Your lobster too buttery?” But no one really prepared me for the mental and emotional fatigue that losing this type of weight would make me endure. I still have 30 pounds to lose.

I put in the work. I sacrificed. I put my blood sweat in tears into choosing myself every single day. I weighed everything I ate meticulously. I left almost no room for error. I weighed food down to the gram. Even prepackaged foods. I would take a slice of American cheese out of the plastic and weigh it on a scale. And you know what? I would get a different weight every single time. And that was logged in my calorie counter. I do that to this day. I weigh the cooking spray I put in a pan before I fry an egg.

Every day I exercise. I never eat my exercise calories. I have stayed at or under 1500 calories per day for months. So this latest plateau is so demoralizing.

Not to mention the body dysmorphia is crazy. I was feeling really good about myself the other day too. But I went to a barre class and the instructor had taken a video of the class doing exercises from behind. When she posted it on instagram, all I could think about was how much wider I looked compared to the other girls in the class from behind.

This has been my life for over a year. And I want to reach my goal so badly. I love my exercise, I love my newfound mobility. I love being stronger. I love my new life! But I just want to reach my goal already. I want the deficit to end. I will still count my calories every day. And I know I need to do so forever. I don’t mind that. I’m just tired of this plateau.