u/Lazy_Elks

Yesterday my grief over my family hit me like a brick wall. I haven't been in that much emotional pain since Christmas, which was a month after I was first shunned.

It being Labour Day yesterday was what triggered it. My family has a tradition going back as far as I can remember of having a pancake breakfast together on stat holidays. Sometimes we'd invite other people, but usually it was just us. My dad and sister would make the pancakes and bacon, mom and I would clean up, my brother would do nothing lol, but we'd all hang out and usually continue visiting into the afternoon. It was so nice.

The grief started trickling in last Thursday. I had a busy, fun-filled weekend (it was Pride week in my city, I had so much fun participating for the first time!), but the grief was there, just under the surface, the whole time.

I asked my boyfriend if he and his daughter wanted to come over on Monday for our own pancake breakfast. It was fun; his daughter and I made the pancakes, and he cooked the bacon. But it fell flat, and after they left I felt worse than ever. I was trying to replace something irreplaceable.

The pain got to a point where it felt unbearable. I just want my family back. To feel that sense of belonging that I had with them. To feel so deeply known and loved.

I didn't feel like I was strong enough to carry that much grief for the rest of my life.

I tend to keep the extent of my pain to myself in a misguided attempt to avoid burdening others, but this time I decided to be honest with my boyfriend and let him know how dark my thoughts were getting. He called me and we had a good talk.

His specialty is harsh truths, kindly said. He said he hates to see me pouring so much love and energy towards people who aren't pouring it back. And then he hit me with a painful truth: what I'm missing is gone forever, and I'm not going to get it back.

Even if they let me back in now, it wouldn't be the same. There would be awkwardness and judgement. Unless all four of them wake up, that old comfortable dynamic is gone. I can hold out hope that maybe at least my mom will relax (I've had some limited contact with her recently), or that maybe some of them will wake up, but I need to stop wishing for something from the past that I've lost.

I hadn't realized how much I was in denial, and how much I was torturing myself with it. It reminded me of something I learned in therapy years ago: that suffering is a choice. Pain without acceptance creates suffering. Pain with acceptance is just pain. And acceptance doesn't mean approval, or that I'm okay with it. It just means that I accept that it is what it is.

Today, I am so emotionally hungover, but I feel like I have moved onto phase 2 of my grief. I am trying to move in the direction of acceptance.

P.S. This is my first time posting here using my main account! Finally moving on from u/throwaway043980

I have family coming into town tomorrow and I told them they could stay in my one-bedroom place because I'll be housesitting while they're here.

I meant to be cleaning during the evenings all week but I haven't been. So I took the day off work it get it all done, but I am struggling so bad.

So far the bathroom is done, the kitchen is half done (need to wait for the load in the dishwasher to finish so I can do another load), and the garbage is collected. The living room isn't bad and just needs some tidying.

But my bedroom is a disaster. Clothes EVERYWHERE. I need to start on laundry and start putting things away but I cannot motivate myself to start because it's so overwhelming.

If you're not available to body double, feel free to cheer me on 🥲

And I feel a little bamboozled. The beginning of the relationship was amazing and met my needs. But I guess it was just the newness of the relationship making it extra exciting for him. His LL is because of his meds; he says he used to have a libido that matched mine. I'm grateful I get the emotionally healthier version of him, but I'm still jealous of his past partners for getting the HL version that I crave so badly. He doesn't want to go off these meds because of how much they help him; I wouldn't feel right asking him to anyway.

The sex itself is incredible, when we have it. Literally the best I've ever had, except for the part where his meds also make it nearly impossible for him to finish. But it's not uncommon for my legs to be too weak for me to walk after. It's GOOD. But we're not even a year in, and we're already down to maaaybe once a week, twice if I'm lucky. I'm a multiple-times-a-day kinda gal.

I so badly want him to be hungry for me the way I am for him. I know it's not me, it's the meds, but it makes me feel so incredibly insecure. I try not to pressure him, I respect his no, but it's so hard to get rejected all the time. It's even starting to make me insecure during sex - I'm wondering if he really wants to or is just doing it to get me off his back.

I've even started researching to see if there's ways to lower my own libido. Maybe if I didn't crave it as much, it wouldn't hurt as much. I just want to feel craved, desired, lusted after.

It doesn't help that I grew up in a high-control religion that had me repressing the hell out of my sexuality my entire life, until fairly recently. I've known I was hypersexual the entire time, and it was brutal. I love him so much and he is so fulfilling for me in every other way, and yet I am horrified at the thought of continuing to repress my sexuality for potentially the rest of my life.

I want him to be end game so badly. This hurts so much.

Edit: I finally had a fully honest conversation with him about it, and expressed how deeply this matters to me and why. He was so sweet, wasn't defensive at all, and said he'd look into getting his meds adjusted/changed. I love that man.

I've been trying to have a similar trip to one of my earlier ones, but I can't seem to get there.

My first big trip was INCREDIBLE. It was in January, I think. It only took about 3g of golden teacher, and I was in another fucking dimension. I was so happy, I lost all spacial awareness, had no object permanence, I had amazing visuals, etc.

I've been spacing out my trips by multiple weeks to make sure my tolerance isn't affected, the only difference I can think of is that I did take about 0.5-1g the night before that great trip.

Two days ago I tried again, this time with 3.3g of golden teacher from the same supplier, and it was a lovely but very mild trip again. That's what keeps happening.

Is this normal? Do I need to try a higher dose - and if so, how much higher should I go? I don't want to overdo it.

Thanks in advance for any advice!

Edit: thanks for the comments everyone. I'm going to try to stop chasing a certain experience and let each trip be its own unique thing.

We've been together for nine months and are planning to move in together in November. I love him, but this is my first relationship (looong backstory there) and I struggle with anxiety about relationships due to childhood shit.

I know there's no such thing as a perfect partner. But I don't know if the parts of our relationship that I'm worried about are significant enough to be issues long-term. I can't stop ruminating about them though, so I'm hoping to gain some insight here.

First of all, the good stuff: he's my best friend. He makes me laugh constantly. I feel safe and regulated when I'm with him. I feel respected and valued, and he's so gentle with me. I truly love being around him. He's never been critical or unkind. He's apologized for things that didn't even register as an issue with me. He respects my boundaries and sets healthy ones of his own.

But there's two big areas to me that leave me feeling like I want more.

First of all, I'm a yapper. I love when I can talk for hours with someone about everything under the sun, especially diving into conversations about our feelings and our histories. My bf isn't like that. He's willing to have conversations about feelings, but he doesn't show a lot of emotional curiosity about himself or others. I want to peel people's brains open like a banana and learn everything about them, whereas he's content to accept people simply as they are. I leave a lot of conversations with him craving more input on his end. I worry that this will eventually leave me feeling emotionally lonely or disconnected from him.

Second - libido mismatch. He's on meds that help his quality of life a ton, but unfortunately leave him with almost no sexual drive. I'm someone who needs that type of intimacy to truly feel connected and desired. I find that this mismatch also leaves me wanting more, but I don't want to pressure him.

Is my anxious brain just ruminating on small issues that I should figure out how to overlook? Or are these significant issues that should give me pause about moving the relationship forward? The thought of ending things is devastating, but I don't want to draw something out that will just end later and hurt more.

Thank you if you read this far, and thank you in advance for any input.

I used to dye my hair a lot, but only natural colors. I've had my natural hair color for the last ten years. On the weekend I dyed it pink and I *cannot* get used to it. I keep jump-scaring myself in the mirror, and I feel like I'm wearing a clown wig. Is it normal not to love it right away? I've wanted to do this for years, but now I feel like I made a huge mistake.