u/Limp_Chemical_4352

About 4 months ago i relapsed into Purging after about 8 months and got more into laxative use and took one too many apparently.
I thought (foolishly) that it wasn’t working because it didn’t do its job in the time it usually does and my idiotic self decided i would be safe to eat and then go to school. Second period i realised i FUCKED UP, MASSIVELY i had a free and proceeded to spend half an hour silently crying and trying to make as little noise as i could as the 15 year old (i go to a sixth form college) in the stall next to me was ON THE PHONE 😭.
I failed at fixing the issue and had to sit through another lesson shaking, clammy and cold while trying to take notes. Eventually i had no more lessons and had to wait another 30 minutes for the bumpy, Boiling hot bus, after i made it home i managed to make it to my bathroom seconds before disaster and literally cried tears of relief and embarrassment.
Only to realise i had a mitski concert to be at in about 3 hours.

Thankfully i made it through the night ok just dehydrated and i don’t remember a lot 💔
The fact that this isn’t the first horror story of mine is very humbling

I’m 17, 18 in 3 months and my life will amount to absolutely nothing. I’ve had a self harm addiction since i was 8/9, an eating disorder since i was 11 and i have never felt happy for a long period of time, i’m numb to everything, my body feels alien and cold. I have to stress that i’m not going to end it, i just wish i could have when failing didn’t have as many consequences, i attempted to od when i was 15 and hang myself with a homage ribbon noose when i was 10. neither time did i tell anyone or get any help, i just figured i was destined to fail at that aswell.

I’m doing my a levels next year, going to uni for art which i know will never lead to a stable job but im simply not good at anything worthwhile. I don’t want to have a relationship or live with anyone or have a family at all, i have friends i like so i dont really care at all. I’ll die when i die wether i do it myself or not but ill always think that if i got hit by a car and died tomorrow, i wouldnt care at all

I’m 17 (afab) , ive never really felt like a girl and i’ve questioned my gender since i was about 12/13, ive come to the conclusion that im genderqueer or nonbinary after 5 years of suffering over it but i still feel like somethings missing, like i mourn the life i could have had if i was just a girl or a boy it makes me feel sick saying it out loud or even typing it out loud. I’ve had a long battle with self harm and mental illness in general that my gender has contributed to, i’ve been openly trans to my friends before and eventually gave up trying because no one bothered except my closest friends and i live in a really hateful and christian area in the uk, i still present quite alternatively although i dress feminine now and it’s gotten slightly better but im still terrified of being perceived as a joke again. I wear masculine
clothes still but get scared when i do:/. My family aren’t even transphobic i just feel uncomfortable around them , especially my mum who dosent understand it at all and kind of makes it into a joke which makes me feel incredibly awkward whenever trans topics come up (we watch a lot of queer tv)

I feel like im lying about my gender to myself and others because i come across as a cis female, i hate being perceived as a girl but i don’t mind she her pronouns although i prefer neutral ones. I just wanted to kind word vomit here i guess, sorry if this isn’t the right thing to be talking about but it has weirdly helped :)

I (17f) have had a self harming issue my entire life, it started of when i was really little maybe 5 or 6 was my earliest memory. The first time i consciously hurt myself i was 9, i still have these scars on my wrist. I didn’t even hear the word self harm until i was about 11 and in a PDT lesson in school ( in the uk it’s a lesson about heavier topics and stuff like mental health and drugs). After i turned 11 or 12 it got worse and i started cutting. I used absolutely anything i could and didn’t care if it was safe or not and thankfully never got an infection.

When i was 14 my parents found out from my school and i couldn’t lie my way out of it for a 4th time and had to come clean. My mum shouted at me for hours , cried and didn’t talk to me for days, after that i hid it more, stoped wearing short sleeves at all and only wore shorts that covered my knees.
When i was 15 it got way worse and it became impossible to hide without covering up , so i did and it went on like this for about a year. I only got the courage to wear short sleeves to school this year and still won’t around my family, they think i got better 3 years ago and i feel awful about lying to them for so long.

I’m supposed to do my a levels next year but if i carry on like i am, relapsing whenever i get the chance to i’m terrified i won’t be able to go to uni, everyone i know whose struggled stoped ages ago and it’s seems like i’m the only one whose endured it for as long and as severely as i have :/. I feel so helpless i want to get better but i literally have never known life outside it. It’s gotten more severe and harder to hide every relapse and i’m so fed up of lying, my friends can all tell when i relapse and are always scared to say anything, it ruined my relationship and i started avoiding my now ex out of fear she would find out, i ended up with Ds in all my mock exams last year because of it.

i seriously don’t know what to do and i guess i was just venting to the void lol