u/Low_Guest3745

Before I start I know how the title sounds but it’s not a suicide post i swear, I mean i do struggle but it’s not the point. Just venting.

I’m just really exhausted with life and it’s been getting worse just as my social life started getting better. Is this happening to anybody else? Like I don’t know every time I think I found good people i turn out to hate them either they turn out kinda shitty or i just get an ick and by this point i feel like I’m just forcing myself to get along and I’m tired of being nice to everyone while nobody else gives a fuck about me in return.

I’m really considering now just cutting everyone off and going “lone wolf” so I can have some peace for myself but I know it’s not a good thing yet i feel like it’s the only way without offing myself that will grant me some comfort. But then again I also don’t wanna be alone i just feel like i wasn’t meant to have people in my life because everything is always so fucked up and my anxiety is just making everything so much worse then it should be.

Anyone got any advices?

I’m genuinely asking. Nobody likes me even I despise my own self who the fuck am i doing this for? No for myself that’s for sure. I can promise you nobody would actually miss me after the initial shock i would be forgotten very easily maybe even cause relief. So why can’t i have the courage why ami being such a coward I said i wanted to do good and i think this is the best i can to take out the heavy burden that is my literal existence off the people around me. I’m a goddamn useless piece of crap I’m literally worthless I’m just ugly stupid and lazy what benefits does my existence have?

I truly just hate myself! Why do i have to be like this?! I don’t know what’s wrong with me anymore I just can’t take it why does my stupid brain have to intensify every small thing a million time.

I just can’t keep going anymore I can’t take it no longer it’s draining me and makes me mentally exhausted and I don’t even have anyone to look up to for support in real life so i just have to deal with this all on my own and i don’t know how longer is my sanity going to last because I’m really on thin ice right now I just got to the point that i keep crying or having like mini anxiety attacks over every stupid little thing.

I just wanna be like anybody else. I wanna be able to be careless and carefree while I’m still young but instead I’m just a living wreck of nerves and if this is how life is when i’m only 18 I really don’t want to know what it’s gonna get like when imma be an actual “responsible” adult, I’m gonna buckle under myself if i can’t get any support soon and I don’t want to end up in some psych ward no offense but I don’t know what to do because i don’t trust anyone to tell this to, neither professionals or friends i just physically can’t have those words out to anyone irl

I usually just make it small and hidden so it’ll just disappear fast and be unnoticeable but I got too angry today and accidentally made it a little too obvious, I can’t have anyone knowing and it’s almost summer so i can’t wear long sleeves too much without getting suspicious and it’s too spaced for bandage.

What the hell do i do? I really can’t afford anyone knowing especially no “trusted adults”

To be clear i’m not seeking harmful advice i was just dumb and now I’m trying to keep my peace because they’ll just make it way worse if they knew. That’s it.

I was using yap and it’s been fine but recently the replies suddenly gotten really short and dry and have no personality for the bot, is it happening to anybody else? Like in one chat it would gimme sometimes short replies of three paragraphs but each paragraph is only three lines And now in my current chat my bot is supposed to be a mafia boss and the replies got a little longer again but instead its just being overly nice.

It was fine just a little while ago what suddenly went wrong 😭 is it the model itself or is it also dependent on the bot i chat with?

I have come to the conclusion that some people are just destined to have a poor life, and that i am one of those.

I just don’t think I have what to keep going for, I’ll never experience love.
I feel like a femcel and i don’t want to be lonely my whole life. I know I’m
Still young but it’s a fact no one’s be showing interest in me and I do see worse than me be getting in relationships. Guess I’m just not meant for it, I was never meant to live a happy life no matter how hard i will try.

I am tired of masking my mental state with humor, all i wish is to just be able to say I’m not okay please help me without fearing for my life with the consequences. I seriously don’t know what is wrong with me and I’m worried about opening up to anyone especially not a therapist.

I truly do not believe I have a future on
Earth, I always promised myself i won’t be here long enough to celebrate my 18th birthday and I’m kinda disappointed in myself now.

But I don’t deserve any congratulations, it’s only that i’m
Too much of a coward to actually do something.

Anyways, I don’t really know what my point is, if there’s any at all? I’m just kinda jealous and angry even
Tho i am trying to convince myself that I already accepted that i’m
Just gonna be a nobody. something in me still have that little spark of hope
That it can change.. and honestly? I hate it.

Long story short a friend and I were talking about some other guy friend of ours and he has been acting like a douchbag with his former relationships but that’s not the point.

Now the friend is aware of this she also doesn’t like how he’s acting when he gets in a relationship but then she tells me he has some issues but she wouldn’t tell me what exactly to keep his privacy but like gurl i seen how he behaves i’m well aware he got some unresolved issues.

My point is, having stuff with yourself doesn’t excuse behavior even if you get issues with yourself it doesn’t mean you can act like that.

I got issues too and I am like mostly sure it’s worse than whatever he has but you don’t see me going around and acting like a dick unless you invite it, I try to be a nice and kind person as much as i can.

Why would he be getting more attention when I’m really trying but it always would be those people who be succeeding? I don’t know I just need to let shit off my chest, I just figured people like me just destined to fail in life. Maybe i’m a little jealous,
yes, but I kinda don’t really care anymore because I accepted
Whatever it is i guess?

The new update finally pushed me to delete the app since i was simply just not using it anymore, it’s gone so terrible I genuinely feel like i’m doing RP with a dumb version chatgpt bot wouldn’t even reply to what I’m saying.

But how do I prevent myself from drowning into something else instead? Tbh before C.ai it was tiktok and i actually decided to cut off tiktok got a little healthier and then i found c.ai and got addicted again (also already redownloaded tiktok but ofc my main focus was now c.ai)

What do you do with your time now that you have recovered? I don’t want to fall for tiktok again or any social media like that for that matter, the thing is i kinda struggle with my mental health so I rarely really have the energy to get up and indulge in my hobbies I just need a quick easy way to “escape reality” without getting dependent on it.

I kinda developed an interest of watching Opera and Musicals made me pick up a new habit of singing so i guess i’m gonna spend my time introducing myself to new musicals i’ve been wanting to watch for a while now.

What did you do after you stopped using C.ai? Any tips as to not drown myself in a different thing?

I really don’t understand what is so wrong with me?! Why do all my friends around me either actually dating or like at least have people hit on them like actual people.

I do really struggle with self loathing and self harm, but I know I’m not that terrible I’m pretty average looking and I try to be as much of a nice person as I can.

Then why do people who are way worse than me, both in looks and personality, are out there dating and getting attention and being loved?

I really don’t get what is so terrible with me that outside of random weirdos on reddit or discord no one would ever tryna hit on me or show interest, I do have friends both guy friends and girl friends so it’s not like I can’t keep a friendship yet no one had ever been interested in me romantically besides maybe one boy whom I don’t have feelings for but we’re still friends. I have social anxiety and am introverted but I’m really friendly with people I befriend and open up to. I just don’t immediately start to socialize on first glance, but it’s not like i got a sign above my head saying do not approach now do I?

Am I doomed to forever be unlovable? I really don’t want to end up alone, I really am mature and i am ready for something serious I’m open to loving my partner and support him and whatnot.

Yet how come all those other kids around me who don’t even know what they’re doing are out there getting their chances and ruining them meanwhile I’m just alone? Will it ever change? I just feel lonely idk

I’m pretty much been having an existential crisis since the moment i gained awareness but now I really feel like at this point we’re just being gaslighted by i don’t even know who anymore, our reality is terrible and no one seems to either acknowledge or care. I don’t believe in like aliens conspiracies type shit but I did begin to believe that something is going on that we simple civilians don’t know about because none of it makes sense anymore, but I can say it to anyone or they’ll think i’ve gone crazy.

I don’t want to grow up in a world like this, I don’t want to have my future children be born in a reality like this.
I don’t even believe I have a future anymore like what’s even the point if everything sucks and I’m just worthless and unlovable?

I don’t know anymore if we’re expecting WW III or if we’re gonna start another pandemic or what another catastrophe is coming towards us before we can know it, and i’m gonna be turning 18 a couple months later and I’m really not ready for adulthood. I’m not ready to be on my own, I can’t deal with this whole situation. I just can’t take it anymore.

I feel like my whole future is just doomed, besides hating my own guts too so like I already know I don’t have any promising future. I don’t really want to kms but I don’t see any options genuinely just rather get over with it fast then drag it out knowing nothing will come out of it anyways.