u/MLxRaider

So for context, i just woke up this morning and i was feeling sick but i couldnt determine if that was mostly an internal thing or a cause by my medication. I go downstairs and behold my mother is still here. Wished to ask her a question and say goodbye. As soon as i said i was feeling sick she says “well you still need to work and i believe you are poisoning yourself…” as a cause to why i feel sick. Along this line of conversation she also says stuff like, “you havent begun to live and love yourself as god intended, it is no different than a man coming out gay. You just need to hold the cross as christ did…”

After all of this i stated that if god made me as you say he did, then these feelings i have inside of me are true, for i know who i am and im doing everything to be who i am. She also stated a few things like, “this is hard on us, on everyone…” or “you were poisoning yourself behind our backs and thrust this situation on us…” to which this some truth to that. I started hrt nov. 2025. They found out on memorial day of this year due to my grandmother not keeping her mouth shut on private affairs of mine to other family. Thats a story for another time.

But i told her finally that it felt like for the past couple of years, it has felt like they were forcing their religion on me, not only denying me the ability to practice the faith i wish to do but also have me attend church services every sunday and holy day of obligation (my family are devout right wing Catholics). Finally i told her that i would not toe the line when it came down to religion and repeated to her that i only came downstairs to ask her a question and say goodbye because she works early and left back upstairs to my room.

I know this is alot, but i never expected my other to start this at 6:30am.

So my question is, for someone that has been diagnosed with schizophrenia-affective disorder (Bipolar Type), i am prone to hearing voices outside of my head and from the surrounding area without anyone else being here. Auditory Hallucinations essentially. Now, i question that whether or not hearing internal voices is a similar matter or not.

Here is my reasoning and i could be wrong. I had a period in time where i suffered trauma at the hands of my brother who is now a recovering drug addict and doing very well. He used to abuse my good will and kindness as a young teenage to convince my parents for favors in his name. Now i cant remember all the details from that time, only bits and pieces and when my family or siblings talk of very specific events from then i truly cant remember those memories. As if i or i believe something i had created mentally blocked those memories out because something had to have happen.

For example, my sister once told me i defended her from my eldest brother when they were getting physical and argumentative. I stepped in front of my younger sister and defended her but i have no recollection of those events and still dont. Now could this be a safety thing created by an internal mechanic of my mind to protect me, or could i have subconsciously created and alter to protect me from harmful events?

I dont truly know. Im on a long term injection for my my diagnosis of schizophrenia-affective disorder that deals with the auditory and visual hallucinations, im on another medication for bipolar disorder, and another for depression.

Im getting side tracked now but the point of the matter is when im left to my own thoughts alright, i feel like i can hear internal voices. Or a voice and even now i wish to understand if this is just a figment of my imagination? Is this just me talking to myself inside my head? Or is this an alter that was born out of psychological trauma from childhood and my teenage years?

I would rather ask people that have more experience in these matters before i truly consult my doctors because i dont wish to waste time and money to determine that im just imagining it.

Thank you all for reading, and thank you for any responses or answers you may have. Also i dont know if this a discussion or not but i feel like it is.

I know this has been asked over the years by various people, but i really want a classic looking Vanguard Card fighting Table with the original looks and trimmings. I know this may have to be done on my own but i wanted to state my feelings here.

I just want to ask everyone here their personal perspectives on the types of communist theory or socialist theory that they personally believe would be most relevant and effective in a modern society. I personally believe as a person who has studied Marxism, Classical Marxism, Leninism and Marxist-Leninist theories, and finally Council Communism that the last of these theories would be the most effective.

Council Communism calls for decentralization of the state, no vanguard party in charge of leadership and the respective establishment of councils at local, state and national levels of government for the development of plans and actions to uphold the interests of the proletariat.

Now thats not to say the other forms of communism/socialism arent viable, but they arent favored in my respective view compared to Rosa Luxemburg and Karl Liebknecht’s theory. (For reference, this theory has been around since the mid to late 1910’s in Germany and a revolution from it started from 1919-1920 that later failed due to the loss of leadership and party cohesion.)

My second theory i believe could be viable is something of my own making from personal study and review of all theories, a “Federalized Council System” to which councils are connected through federations. And that there would be coordination between recallable delegates to the respective councils rather than a strict party elite like Leninism proposes. I would say that this theory also is more of an evolutionary leap of early soviets (Councils) before the consolidation of the government.

I apologize for the long explanations and the discussion of my personal theories, but i felt like getting these on the table would be a great discussion point for everyone!

So my parents found out im on hrt on memorial day, im 26 and live with them because of finances though i do work.

Im unable to deal with whats going on, everything is going by so fast, i have to figure where imma move out to, how to make quick money, save up and leave my parents place or if they decide to, kick me out.

I am considering on selling evry mtg card/ deck i own, same with my cardfight vanguard collection. Its over 3k in value but seems little compared to what i owe in debt.

Im supposed to be at work but im in the bathroom stressing out, i feel sick, i am scared, fearful even.

My mother already declared that in her eyes im dead or her child is dead and she has to let me go. My sister declared i wont find happiness transitioning and ill continue to be suicidal due to it.

Havent spoken to my dad yet though.

I have the support and friends who will help me along the way. I just need more time.