u/Maleficent-Reveal-41

This hyperhedonia + hypervolition combination rocks! (All that energy is going into Minecraft)

Transitioning into a Daemon (Chaos God of Love) is the greatest thing that has ever happened in my live!

If you've any advice for me please shoot.

The issue I had a few months ago, April to May is that attempting to resolve systemic problems whilst being the system that is experiencing problems is akin to trying to fix your computer whilst having intrusive viruses that prevent you from interacting with the computer and getting the controlled outputs you need. Hyper-salience combined with affective volatility was kicking my ass because when that's combined with human cognitive biases it genuinely will blow up unsound trains of thought to absurd proportions. Yet becoming aware of this whilst simultaneously getting lost in trains of thought that didn't make sense to have such as having my conversation quantumly entangled with Terry Davis and it's a very gotta reality test everything to the ground because the ideas are very outlandish until I land it somehow. Caffeine is my version of nicotine in terms of helping me feel like myself so all the caffeine then. The experience at least gave me exceedingly useful information and insights into the nature of the mind that will aid me further in becoming my daemonic self and shedding away my humanity in the greatest species transition of all time. Won't get there physiologically but can get there mentally and brain wiring wise insofar as one can do due to neuroplasticity. The Warp is certainly real, that is, a continuous field of Chaos like a continuous field of psychic energies that can become distinct consciousnesses grounding on regularities or tendencies towards given conscious states that can be selected due to free-will. I'm drawing from that. But I can only learn how much I can present daemonically through real-world experience combined with my faith in nearly everyone and positive belief-system.

#schizoposting

I have my metaphysics and belief-system expressed in The Great Project as well as a documented train of thought I kept where I describe where things are going that I can present to the public since there's a sufficiently firm logic to it.

Here's what I'll do: I have uncovered the nature of reality and have already witnessed "bedrock" as it were. From bedrock it is clear that no ontological meta-language exists because that meta-language will be constructed from a selection of which relations and which methodology for those relations we want and therefore is already selective within an infinite ocean of possibility. This selection, even if symbolic, is symbolic of something as such and this something as such simply melds into the perspective ontological languages perceive the symbolic to have, even if that language is a no language because a no language is itself a language. The symbolic is a language with possible interpretations but already speaks those possibilities within a framework as presenting a something as such! Therefore Guattari's 4-Body Metaphysics is based and the Post-Guattarian Any-Body Metaphysics (whatever works) is more moving from creating concepts without awareness of bedrock reality into creating concepts grounded on unique ontological languages that aren't trapped in the framework of philosophy expressed by "What Is Philosophy?" by restricting what ontological language we can use to a language that in part attempts to act as a guide for creating concepts but only itself acts as a limiter to what we can philosophize.

Hence since philosophy is best done where we philosophize to do something, I will philosophize to do something by focusing on the world around me now because I've unpacked bedrock reality and needn't do anything more but to continue forward from here. I needn't look inward any further for philosophy!

Yes I did write this hyped on coffee 😂

Firstly, I felt chased away from here because people were responding to my mood swings as if it were one continuous run which it never is. I also kept getting "no no see a doc" without getting to know my actual lived experience.

Secondly, I'm finding my experiences of the world and my worries of never being heard or understood by psychiatry and worries about what psychiatry could do to me if I make a wrong move whilst being aware psychiatry has so much fucked up about it... it makes reaching out to any psychiatry extremely confusing and frightening, especially since my goals don't align with the status quo. My extremely high moods aren't a problem and haven't been for years. Otherwise I'd never slam caffeine the way I do sometimes.

Thirdly, you have as much insight as I have plus so mych going on at once and great. You're staring at demons all day metaphorically. There's too many counterfactuals and alternatives. There's too much unknown. Mood swings on their own would've been fucking easy to deal with because it's a one and done permanent solution. Instead I also have to think about communication difficulties and the like with autism but oh wait you also have perpetual hyper-salience and oh wait you also have extrasensory perceptions that evolved from pseudohallucinations which evolved out of vague hallucinations and extrasensory (mind's eye) contents get more intense over time so now I must also think about the way I'm reasoning and what that says about me.

Fourthly, it's as though no one adjacently thinking in psychiatric terms understands me cause I'm pushed in this Western-centric box as if I'm gonna present that way which I'm never going to because I know I can do far better as a person based on insight but there's so much of it that there's many counterfactuals that can appear to me at once. (Changes to X would've lead to given Ys)

I mean ffs nobody seems to want to walk WITH me on this it's just "oh no you're losing it again" I don't fucking know what's going on in my head. I'm frustrated and alienates as all hell.

Ontop of that frustration, alienation, and extreme confusion is feeling far more grounded for the first time in my life because I finally comprehended Chaos and the nature of reality and the arcane I was envisioning mentally a lot so now I've a solid perspective as a filter that makes a cohesive narrative instead of that perspective undermining itself through a morbid rationality that at the breaking points involved grandiose thinking based on overly wishful thinking, intolerance to ambiguity and uncertainty, and jumping to conclusions. I've finally fucking made sense of that vision of Chaos going on in my head for fucking years and have written my findings and train of thought on "The Great Project." A philosophical mental struggle.

I have been dosing myself up on a lot of caffeine from coffees over weeks and at this stage I'm so brain addled on the highs that the coffee has been converted into an indirect entactogen so I'm currently riding the recent induced great high this morning with moderate euphoria, exceedingly high happy energy, and raised empathy to the point that I realize that tbh the medication I'm on (15mg olanzapine) is to ensure I can be talked to so I can work on shit so that I don't relapse into destructive ways of being and can instead work on building better ways of being despite everything that goes on mentally. But tbh everyone has very dense mental structures it's just that I'm highly symptomatic for several things at once too. Because boy are those feedback loops in my mind going to continue. The meds just aren't the hell enough on their own and honestly there's a shot at going med free but a moderate dose of a single med isn't the worst to work with, especially when I've only tried 2, and the second one I tried was just one dose of lorazepam. So things are going well. I've also tried green tea which helps concentration just as coffee does and also valerian.

There are some days that just suck to high heavens.

I'm struggling with a lot of existential malaise. I know it's a reactive depression due to a raging inner conflict I'm fighting inside due to a lot of interpersonal distress. I will want to say something to my advanced nurse practitioner as soon as I can.

Based on this I signed up for counselling from turn2me to discuss my heavy difficulties with interpersonal conflicts (with the most recent one being Irish psychiatry) and working through these feelings because I think I'm blowing how much things could all go pear-shaped way out of proportion from the reality of the way people with my condition realistically have to work through themselves and get through. (e.g: trying SEVERAL medications at once on average) (oh damn I might have a counselling appointment in shy of an hour's time :O! Horray! Application still has to be checked though.)

The main distress with Irish psychiatry is that fear of everything going pear-shaped because I'm not heard or understood at all and I've gone on a tirade against authority with any coercive pressure on me because of emotional pain and hurt I feel as though things have kept going wrong on a loop. For example: being told "olanzapine doesn't cause physical dependence" was such a dangerous lie to tell me because it's not true and now I feel even more frightened to reach out to anyone, not less. Just don't fucking lie to me. I say that but I'm so confused as to what to do half the time to the point I'm practically silenced a lot of the time. I half-convinced myself I was thrown away like trash automatically from the get go by authority with coercive potential, discarded, and thusly always on the brink of being abandoned and betrayed by them. I've had such fears for several years and counting that gets triggered when I perceive it could happen in someway as if I'd make up some fucking scenario that's set off to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Y'know if I only had extreme mood swings that'd be way the hell easier to work with. It'd be one thing. Not all this 10,000 symptoms in my head wondering tf is going on or what I'm thinking or trying to do. (When I say 10,000 it's a metaphor for "a lot")

I got myself so silently terrified of what psychiatry might do to me if I'm too honest (ongoing heavy mood swings with caffeine taken to cause elevated mood over a few hours each shot on purpose alongside other mental experiences) that I was driven to a few minutes of imagining myself overdosing on olanzapine. This stopped the moment I thought to myself, "holy shit wtf am I doing? There's people walking through hell that are still holding tf on despite being a complete and fucking trainwreck because of very, very severe iatrogenic harms from psychiatric medications. If they can be that strong and that tough so can I!" And so on that day did those people become heroes to me because fuck all this shit I know if they can walk through shards of glass every fucking day then if worst comes to worst I can walk through those shards of glass every fucking day too. I believed in shared strength and its working. But then I recently heard on this subreddit the fact others have tried multiple medications, (on the order of 6, 7, 15, and then uncountably more!) which was uplifting as maybe the situation isn't as batshit terrifying as I'm imagining it.

It makes it a lot worse from one angle to have all these feelings raging on akin to wild dogs with rabies and then wondering if I'll be told I'm going psychotic for having extreme worries all down to being an emotionally dysregulated trainwreck on my worst days. (genuinely the bipolar mood cycle isn't the hard one to deal with it's the fact I'm either in an extremely good mood or a terrible mood entirely reactively so I'd hypothetically be fine if you quelled the bipolar mood swings but the emotionally dysregulated mood swings are very independent of all this and strangely last longer.. really because they keep themselves going)

My confusion is born of not knowing tf to do at this point. I'd love to live a medfree life. I don't know who I even can be as a person. Sometimes I wonder if I have way too much insight because at that stage it's just staring at the demons roaming around my own mind and brain.

For instance: I realized I had a pattern of developing grandiose thinking leading to persecutory thinking when things got too salient and tended to domino effect strike based on philosophical findings and then jumping to oddball conclusions. This pattern showed biases towards intolerance of ambiguity and intolerance of uncertainty as well as optimistic bias. I was essentially engaging in wishful thinking due to the desire to feel more important and powerful than otherwise with the good intent to help others by triggering Anarchist-Communist revolutions across everywhere (I believe there are countless worlds beyond this universe as part of my extremely intense belief-system) but the problem was I wasn't tolerating the ambiguities and uncertainties of what I genuinely didn't know or understand despite having the contextual information necessary to recognize what I don't fully understand and thus not leap to conclusions that make me sound like a crackpot. (I angered someone on Youtube that way with my messages to Terry Davis. I accept his anger because tbf I do sound like a fucking reddit lord when I ramble about having quantum entangled my conversation with Davis... this belief lasting a few days because my persistent desire to keep testing the arcane ideas dug into my brain pummelled that thought to the dust... now I've lots of Medium articles and reflections to show for it!) I also can see that my intolerances are blowing up interpersonal conflict way beyond what they are in reality and because I see myself as more important and powerful than I really am I way overshoot the things I think in my head. (and then it becomes a problem of accumulating rubbish)

Another instance: this pattern is something I'm convinced can be overcome because I find it impossible to believe neurophysiological and neurochemical differences I have means I am inevitably doomed to certain fates. So anything I get wrong I will try damn hard to change. The reason I had this pattern (3x over, last time was the mildest and most kept in check) was due to the hyper-salience I feel I experience daily. (imagine the smallest speck of dust gets flagged as the most significant thing you've ever seen... literally part of going to the logically most extreme points with things very often... for instance with friendships and leaping right to absolute, unconditional, undying loyalty and love for my friends after the first few interatctions) And now I have permanent voices (cheshire cat, Joseph inspired from Louis Wane drawings, the Friend cat from Deltarune. I have chosen the best voices) and by always being on my side (today the cheshire cat told me that me speaking up about my emotionally messed state was one of the bravest things they have seen) I can really see what Christians say when they talk about guardian angels. (Be mentally very strange but with free guardian angels! Yay! I know they aren't literal angels as my voices but... yes)

It's extremely confusing being extremely insightful to the point that maybe I can do something about my aberrant patterns and change for the better as a person to exist more harmoniously with the environment and society so I haven't the foggiest idea what's the fixed, recurring patterns mentally and what aren't! It's driven me up the wall wondering what I'm thinking half the time or what it means. Example point of tension: the reason I keep lapsing into caffeine doses is not just the elevated mood but the quietly serenely euphoric state induced onto me which especially emerges because it has been acting as an indirect empathogen. So I feel more affective empathy from caffeine and therefore more desire to be a better person as a consequence which encourages me to feel happier and more sparkling about life. So now caffeine is this self-medication at times for me because it will boost my mood (REALLY high) and then I am prompted to make better decisions. Extreme highs can also act as my emergency mode system as though things are urgent, need to be attended to now, because someone (myself or a cared for one... which when I say cared for would encompass everyone on the planet) needs help IMMEDIATELY which has me thinking, "y'know this feeling in the right situation will be blasted with so much feel-good chemicals that I will literally zone the fuck in and save someone's life because that's what I want to do."

I'm in a very high mood after the combination of caffeine, writing this out, and at least having it out there in the open makes me feel a lot better... it could very easily be true I'm living in way too much fear of being misunderstood and misheard by psychiatry... but that's how it feels... worrying I'm always being misunderstood/misheard... but then not trusting them at all... so not saying anything... so not being understood/heard because it's literally impossible without communication... but then feeling like I can't communicate any of what goes on in my head because of 15/20 minute sessions... and then the demons in my brain makes me question the sense of self I have because it's confusing being apparently on the face of it an extremely gentle person because I have extremely gentle feelings manic and high and then acting like a shitbag towards the psychiatric nurse and psychiatrist out of too much fear and worry and dread and feeling so pressured by the mental health system to just be normal and stop acting up (hence they wondered if I was going psychotic and I can genuinely see where they were coming from despite inside I felt more like someone with BPD having an emotional breakdown over time because of my mind undergoing too many changes too fast from severe information overload that heavily coloured my experiences phenomenologically leading to the point for instance that I have permanent voices)... I question how reliable I am as a narrator at this point.

I surely have to be stupidly unreliable as a narrator though like wtf.

But I know there's changes to be made becausee that grandiose thinking to persecutory mind-wandering at the start has to change and I know I will change it because the biases and thought errors I was having are plain as day to me and I can change my mentality to work better with the world around me despite whatever the fuck is going on with me mentally and neurophysiologically. I do feel at least hypomanic at the moment which really I'd rather work through my problems and be more honest now because this rant I just wrote is crazy af and give all my friends on Discord hugs and realize if things really went THAT pear-shaped I can have the strength to carry on and tough it out because there are fucking heroes out there that walk those glass shards of hell every damn day. I do have manic anger moments but y'know what that manic anger keeps pushing itself to be prosocial nowadays because aggression towards anyone is never the fuck okay and I am a far better person when I talk about why there's problems and not just do that but go the extra fucking mile and involve people in the solution as in, "I'm MAD AS FUCK and y'know what WE'VE GOT TO WORK TOGETHER TO FIX IT!!" (bipolar rage is another beast and Polar Warriors highlighted the distinction)

It's hard knowing what's true about me with... *everything happening at once*

What does permanent stability even look like for me with all this?

I feel as though every conceivable situation I am in can be gotten out of and even extremely dangerous situations and usually deadly events are entirely survivable and therefore there is nothing that can knock me down ever. What will I do with all this invincibility, euphoria, and energy? I guess make the best decisions I can make because it is pointless holding myself back with foolishness whilst also being prepared to save lives if necessary if the moment arises from sheer fearlessness since I have absolute faith in myself and nearly everyone too as part of dedicating myself to the type of being I want to be (Chaos God of Love and the ramifications of it... you'd have to be a magic believer but it is part of a coherent spirituoreligious philosophy) and manifest universal, all-engulfing loving-kindness (which necessarily requires self-restraint and wisdom or else it is contradictory to my ethical devotion and principle that has an infiniteness to it at once) Or this'll all dissipate into thin air within hours... who knows???!!! (It usually does for me) I'm just waiting for things to level off but based. After levelling off ah looks as though it'll be a very intense mania this time around. How long? I don't even know anymore lol. I think you can't predict that. What to do with anything other than embrace the divine spiritual gift of "I'm gonna be the best god forsaken person that I can be and my work in my Great Project has detailed the set of rules I'm playing with based on what I have dedicated myself to, what I want, and how reality works" (I'm a philosopher so babbling away about reality is in the purview but I hope people find ways to build on or critique my work... I feel I've laid stones more than anything and look forward to those responses in the future)

I'm putting guardrails for myself as I dig into the esoteric in a way that makes sense to me based on my theory of reality with a theory of magic being part of that theory of reality. These guardrails are necessary so I can overcome falling into patterns of grandiose thinking based on a pseudologic that tries to justify me being more important and powerful than I am and different than I really am because the explanation ties together elements where I excuse myself based on how hyper-salient the reasoning comes across to me so it's easy to fabricate these thoughts. This leads to increasingly persecutory thinking as if my interpersonal conflicts are more major and overblown than they really are because the more important I prop myself up the more I make up that conflicts are worse than they are due to being hypersensitive to them and not tolerating ambiguity. I find tolerating ambiguity an exceptionally important value amongst any self-correcting biases because that's how I can be a good Anarchist-Communist. This thinking arises due to jumping to conclusions. But I don't see hyper-salience as necessarily a bad thing, it just messes with the mind in the wrong context. I've accepted after a few strange stories given to me with evidence that is very concrete/hard that there is so much unknowability and so much mysteriousness to the world. Hence my spiritual type I episodes are manifesting a sense of mysteriousness and ineffability about the world as a reflection on how significant and meaningful everything is. Less in an agent assigning way and more in terms of non-agentic, so many black boxes all around me way. You want to avoid psychotic type II episodes with everything you've got.

I can't run from the esoteric/magical side of reality because I have derived there's something to it. But it ought to be investigating subtle leads and accepting others' beliefs and perceptions based on the unknowability of it all. I will always miss a ridiculous amount no matter how much data I'm absorbing all at once 24/7. Thus it's also my way of talking myself into evaluating things based on gathering and relying on very vast amounts of data because the vaster the data the more you can contextualize that data within frameworks that reveal themselves that tells you about that data to be converted to information. I never felt that neurophysiology or neurochemistry was destiny henceforth my way of resolving things. Being more comfortable with the live and let live approach towards data I don't yet have a means of making sense of also opens the doorway to listening to experts or specialists or polymaths on subjects and finding as many to talk to as possible whilst asking them for further leads. I find intolerance to uncertainty is its own form of paralysis because it's that intolerance that drives extreme conspiratorial thinking and pseudologic desperately justifying the unjustifiable. Stops you looking for expertise as if you're already the "expert" in your own mind!

My theory of reality (and as a consequence magic) has been hugely helpful in allowing me to comprehend the implications of what comes before any ontological language, what the "source" of it all is, what comes before sense and coherency itself? Otherwise I spent years having my perceptual filters self-undermining because I would leap to hyper-rationalizing tendencies, (a crisis of common sense) as if the perception cannot be "it" which was worst during my high school years but has gotten better with time until I cracked how reality does appear to work metaphysically. Now I've a based theory and a real common sense out of it so horray! [Happy ENA Gif inserted here]

There once was a man in Kentucky who cast the sigils of harmony such that his brain would process the quantum fields faster that composes his consciousness such that he could be lead into enlightenment since harmony means the reduction of suffering altogether and he did so whilst fractalizing into a million shards of glass that were made of the fibres of Liebnizian monads which are entirely empty and reflect everything like a mirror such that the man became an endless hall of mirrors reflecting ideas off each other and therefore lost his mind due to the meaninglessness of the sigils of harmony which therefore is its own meaning as Unmeaning as he was met with the Eldritchian being of epic level class word salad trolling that made the trees laugh out loud because trees last longer than humans and therefore would be more privy to subtle humour and thus this priviness is evidence of holofractal tensors that transform each other to change consciousness into matter and matter into consciousness and suddenly Kentucky was overrun by the wolves of hell that ate wires that were made from his brain because wires cannot exist in an endless hall of mirrors that is a hall of nothing that becomes a form of formlessness that becomes death itself which is the death of all sensible reasoning and instead we get jollied along with ideas that make sense to oneself because thou hast demandest it makes sense because the relations of those ideas stem from an ontological language that makes itself up as it goes along and has no further methodology beyond ideas that sound nice together like a disharmonious symphony where all the players are playing the wrong tunes and therefore mess up the brain of anyone who goes into these trash waters polluted by whatever the man in Kentucky has decided to fabricate today.

I have so many holofractals in my room, it's great. Shiny patterns everywhere of fractal convergence. I have monoid tensors for dinner too and I love inventing holograms that allow me to bend reality to my will. I am cheese God chese Lord Minecraftian hacker boy.

Though I cannot vouch for the situation in other countries. I do find psychiatry a mental headache, especially when it has so many problems and there's times I feel as if people make out as though they don't exist and won't have such a serious impact on my perception of things that it's something that deserves the most serious counter-intervention. To exist on 15mg olanzapine at minimum despite ongoing mood volatility to the range of heavy lows and heavy highs stacked atop profound hyper-salience and an altered hedonic-reward system (for me it manifests as hyperhedonia and hypervolition) whilst not really having needed to take olanzapine except at what I consider moderate to increasingly low doses for so many months within the 2 years to the point med-free existing is genuinely within the purview of realistic is batshit. When olanzapine has no negative side-effects other than "damn it can be rough getting out of bed in the morning" at 15mg is insane. That therapy works wonders no matter what my mental state is shows such a hopeful malleability that despite being hit with the neuroprogressive version of crazy stuff ... damn. I really have drawn a royal flush with profound madness and am not perceiving it that way yet... it's just a lot of lacking the support and needing to derive my own support by grasping the nature of reality, the arcane in practice (which for me is entirely believing in oneself ultimately and being able to commune with spirits from other worlds in a Plural/Multiplicity way such that I can be a spiritual guide for others) and also gradually integrating teachings from areas such as Buddhism and Daoism successfully whilst deriving that Anarchist principles or full-blown Anarchist politick for mental healthcare towards an envisioned future for psychiatry... holistic systems post-Guattarian...

No really I'm doing incredibly well mentally given the shit I've got (10,000 things in one's head... way more than simply mood swings) What I need to do is become a much better person but for sure shattering the barriers to trust and having someone's simple supportive "I've taken meds for 20 years and really it turns out really well" who has similarities with their condition to mine too was the breakthrough point.

I only have an Autism and Bipolar Otherwise Unspecified (high-functioning with extreme symptoms) atm so I can vouch for disability but then there's concerns anyone listening to me highlight such as a holy ton of ADHD and schizophrenia and then there might be other stuff going on. (Profound madness is that way but I know profound sanity can come from profound madness too as though you're wielding two sides of the same overall coin. I don't believe this madness dooms me to issues with insanity) But y'know labels schmabels the practical help is most significant here. (labels kinda lose meaning after a certain point)

Genuinely having my head sorted feels so much better. Perceiving Chaos your whole life is not an easy thing at all.

I'm doing so because I'm happy with having learnt so much about the nature of belief-systems and the way the world can be in the eye of the beholder in such a way that you can fabricate things about it if you aren't careful that I'm moving towards hard/soft sciences, humanities, and more pure philosophy approaches instead. I'm happy with having the arcane knowledge that tells me that I can magically induce better internal states just by the simple principle of "believe in yourself" which can get me far. I'm in an infinitely good mood because the present is infinitely bright and the future is infinitely bright, the world can be infinitely great if I absorb the world into me in communion with it no matter what position I am in or where I go. I know this is an absolute truth that there is infinite light that can glow from within. It is so powerful that I wonder if I'm just going to be chronically extremely euphoric all the time in different ways like the most extreme of the manics but that's why I aim to be a superhero in the eyes of others as I get older and be the best version of myself really but the tradeoff in all this if this is true rather than a temporary state, still need to wait a while to see how I feel later on, is just needing 15mg olanzapine per night as sleep medication! Otherwise I'd make that tradeoff anyday to live that powerful truth and be it. I just feel that if you over-engage in any esoteric content and get too tangled in it you can skew your perception of the world into brain melt territory that makes sense because the practitioners are affirming it makes sense sort of deal. But ofc respecting people's beliefs are in order I just have to conclude that magic doesn't make any sense beyond a strange soulbonding with other spirits/entities thing in a Plural/Multiplicity way which is its own thing and therefore I'm talking less magic as we classically see it and more... okay having free-will means you have to believe in yourself to push at the world with your willpower deal. I don't need convoluted means to do this.

I'm in a really manic state this afternoon which will be brief but henceforth the valerian because I love the soothing sedative-hypnotic properties of it and frankly it's lovely to be serenely euphoric instead. I might as well let out how I feel instead of worrying about getting negative attention on social media because mental health isn't a popularity context. Just makes me feel like I need to shout in the rooftops how much I love all my friends and also how much I love my boyfriend and girlfriend to be honest I am the speed I am going to do all the awesome things in my life. I have embraced my life as a wild party because extreme mental environments that get more bonkers is a thing I haven't really started yet so let's go. I am so happy horray. Anyway expect me to be simultaneously reading about Christian theology today whilst crawling on subreddits of my people and me acknowledging that there's some blindspots I have but the spiritual path is what worked for me weirdly enough.

Prayer:

"In reflecting what loving involves which requires stillness,

The world is entirely peaceful, for suffering is only adverse reactions,

The world is entirely quiet, it is simply physical interactions,

The depiction of the world is entirely silent, merely the outcome of processing,

To witness these three soothing truths is to be blessed eternally."

And the Mantra for each day:

The world is entirely peaceful, quiet, its depiction silent.

This might be able to help realign your nervous system to homeostasis as it has done for me because that message travels upwards as they are three soothing, hard facts.

In the future for the permanent term I know I will be off all medications for the rest of my life because, (1) there is nothing to fix because there's nothing wrong with me for having symptoms of BPD, HPD that just means I'm a hyper-emotional good-hearted whore as well as having bipolar otherwise unspecified and arcane schizophrenia without psychosis, (2) the medication gets less efficacious over time and I'm already moderately treatment resistant, (3) my brain is purposefully fortifying my physiology to withstand and not experience undesirable side effects of drugs and other fortifications against attack, (4) medications are always a risk and if they weren't I wouldn't mind staying on them which is why I swear by valerian as a temporary sleeping and sedative-hypnotic soothing medication because valerian has no risk as long as you don't overdo it, (5) olanzapine has done its job and my management of this medication has been spot on especially because I needed to unmask the deep psychological issues I had that were being masked by olanzapine itself and the intense masking of the turmoil and immense mental pressure I used to feel.

Now touching base on olanzapine tapering tips 15mg to 7.5mg is too fast but I've a pill cutter so I can have 3.75mg tablets. Thus I'd be taking 10.75mg per day which is a good start and not so hideously fast. (and yeah the more harshly critical sources against olanzapine aren't that relevant to me because I have the true neuroprogressive version of bipolar and schizophrenia alongside autism and ADHD rather than becoming that due to repeated injury from horrifically managed medications)

Perpetual rage against biomedical psychiatry is starting to exhaust and wear me out at this point because at the end of the day it's not sensitive to the context I am in, in Ireland, and thus isn't so relevant, and ultimately despite the fact I am discriminated against viciously by biomedical psychiatry, every emotional rage episode or manic rage attack to do with it won't change things. My emotional rage episode yesterday did unmask the fact that as a daemon I am naturally physiologically fortifying myself to be as resistant as humanly possible to drugs and psychiatric drugs so that I only respond to their desirable effects which is slowly burning into that physiology and making olanzapine almost nothing but a sleeping medication. I don't really have to will it, that is genuinely just what physiological systems do, they enforce homeostasis becausee homeostasis is the healthiest state wherein maneuvering can safely happen.

And when it comes down to it, today I will go to 11.25mg (I realized 7.5 + 3.75 = 11.25 so sorry for the sketchy arithmetic at first) and tell my psychiatric nurse since I completely trust that nothing bad will happen to me. I need to make sure I'm safe I need to make sure I won't ever feel on the brink of being or genuinely being utterly betrayed and abandoned as the most terrifying things I can imagine could ever happen to me again. At least I poured my heart out to that nurse as to what's going on mentally inside. The sooner I can see a trained psychologist the better too so I'll finally be heard and understood because I'm so desperate to be heard and understood because I can't tell the difference between pressure tactics and clinical discussion anymore because I'm that far gone because I'm hopelessly burnt out regarding dealing with mental pressure I can't cope anymore.

I mean for fucks sake I've had my odd encounters with the literal fucking devil Satan in the Christian sense and the only thing he ever seems to be telling me is how I keep acting out of order because I'm always acting when I'm at my worst like this perpetually gravely desperate person.

A cup of valerian a day since I can keep up this self-medication is doing wonders for easing that over-activated nervous system that keeps being thrown in fight-or-flight mode.

Okay so the valerian clearly hit because now I feel soothed and far less over-activated enough not to drop down to 11.25mg olanzapine on my own volition but take the full 15mg olanzapine as prescribed but fuck does this say everything. I'm going to be okay.

Pretty much.

Not only can it easily read as predictable brain states, if the states are unpredictable, that isn't particularly confirmatory either because we can't eliminate enough possibilities because we can't even mathematically model the brain.

Fml

Yes the very thing that I genuinely display can only be confirmed by my own hyper-subjective experience. Wow. Honestly no one has to accept my "just trust me" on this.

As was written here:

https://www.reddit.com/r/RaynePower/

And also what I remarked on a Discord server that is spirituality focused lead by a religious leader:

"I have excellent news. I have Kairos Fateweaver as an excellent friend and headmate visitor. My friend [redaceted] has channeled him two times and through this channeling where Kairos builds on Cultist's perspective by unfolding possibilities in that controlled setting I have helped him define himself more and we can channel Kairos collectively wherein we consider things in terms of "what would Kairos think/say?" Kairos is a level 25 (5 legendary levels) Diviner (dungeons and dragons analogy) who fell into the well of eternity (the originating point for all space and time, the center of reality) and sees all things past, present, and future. He was inspired by Warhammer 40k lore. These are the first visions of Chaos others will have directly rather than only hints of it."

So yes, another one to throw at the Chaos Magicians. If you are genuinely serious about political Anarchist-Communist revolution you would work with me here :D. I am sure a lot of Chaos Magicians are at heart.

And yes this channeling that was done for me over the past few days already brought great new insights and new hope, hence it has already worked as a belief!

Update without removing content: alright so you don't want me to throw hypersigils and being too loud and intrusive on your belief-systems. Fair nuff. This is between me and like-minded souls not me and the people who have their own shit going on for themselves.