u/Mister_Bagel819

Is also sorta sad that everything God does is for a purpose, for us. I find it saddening that He never uses His power for Himself. Sure, He made Jesus, and Jesus brings Him great joy... but with omnipotence, it just doesn't feel right that He never does anything outside of meaning. He just does it for His children. He is God, so I don't get a say in what he does or doesn't do, and it's cool if He's fine with doing stuff, but I feel like He deprives Himself, and every time He attempts to bring Himself some joy, something comes along and ruins it.

Always be grateful to God.

For me, the worst part about these conditions sometimes isn't even the pain or condition - it's the lack of understanding.

How do you tell someone that you've been eating thousands of calories for years and can't control it while it's getting worse? They'd just tell you to fix or control it. Fuck, they might not even notice it. Try to tell them and you told it's a 'good thing', while your body and mind are being overloaded while calorie upon calorie.

How do you tell people that your heart is impaired and that your left heart is on the verge of failure? They won't take you seriously. Better yet, they'll just compare their pain to yours.

How do you explain that you have absolutely no memories left, just darkness, running on autopilot, while the world is unfamiliar and unreal? They won't care unless it's dementia.

How do you explain aspergers? Even the people who know you or someone with autism won't understand. They'll just hate and get frustrated. No understanding while you lose it internally over what you did wrong.

How do you explain irritability? Being violent and hating it, while not being able to control it? Others will just think you're making excuses, that it'll go away. They leave you feeling like a burden and a monster while your soul degrades to ash.

How do you explain deficits? People get hostile. They focus on the surface and not the thing driving it. They try to solve the problem and ignore the cause.

How do you explain feeling powerless? People will just think you don't want to help or are being lazy, while you berate yourself for your failures.

How do you explain lung pain? People will think you're making it up. That you're being dramatic. That it isn't as bad as you're making it out to be. Others want you to keep going while you can just barely pump enough blood to keep yourself from fainting and inhale enough oxygen to keep yourself alive, questioning why you were even made if you're only here to suffer.

How do you explain sensitivity? When the dissociation gives out and you're hit like a truck by emotions. Others will think you're just crying over nothing, while your memories come flooding back.

And these things don't always get better. The brain fog stops you from thinking at all. My 2/6 systolic murmur went to a 3/6 systolic murmur. My binge eating is getting worse and more frequent. My irritability is getting worse. My emotions are becoming more sensitive. Perfect endings are only for fairy-tales.

For me, the worst part about these conditions sometimes isn't even the pain or condition - it's the lack of understanding.

How do you tell someone that you've been eating thousands of calories for years and can't control it while it's getting worse? They'd just tell you to fix or control it. Fuck, they might not even notice it. Try to tell them and you told it's a 'good thing', while your body and mind are being overloaded while calorie upon calorie.

How do you tell people that your heart is impaired and that your left heart is on the verge of failure? They won't take you seriously. Better yet, they'll just compare their pain to yours.

How do you explain that you have absolutely no memories left, just darkness, running on autopilot, while the world is unfamiliar and unreal? They won't care unless it's dementia.

How do you explain aspergers? Even the people who know you or someone with autism won't understand. They'll just hate and get frustrated. No understanding while you lose it internally over what you did wrong.

How do you explain irritability? Being violent and hating it, while not being able to control it? Others will just think you're making excuses, that it'll go away. They leave you feeling like a burden and a monster while your soul degrades to ash.

How do you explain deficits? People get hostile. They focus on the surface and not the thing driving it. They try to solve the problem and ignore the cause.

How do you explain feeling powerless? People will just think you don't want to help or are being lazy, while you berate yourself for your failures.

How do you explain lung pain? People will think you're making it up. That you're being dramatic. That it isn't as bad as you're making it out to be. Others want you to keep going while you can just barely pump enough blood to keep yourself from fainting and inhale enough oxygen to keep yourself alive, questioning why you were even made if you're only here to suffer.

How do you explain sensitivity? When the dissociation gives out and you're hit like a truck by emotions. Others will think you're just crying over nothing, while your memories come flooding back.

And these things don't always get better. The brain fog stops you from thinking at all. My 2/6 systolic murmur went to a 3/6 systolic murmur. My binge eating is getting worse and more frequent. My irritability is getting worse. My emotions are becoming more sensitive. Perfect endings are only for fairy-tales.

People often confuse acceptance for healing. But that's not true.

This acceptance comes out of hopelessness. When no one else is willing to help. When there's no way out, not even death.

When they come to terms with their problems, that isn't them getting better or healing. That's them giving up. That's them no longer fighting.

People look at this acceptance and think that it's someone getting better, purely because they stopped fighting it. But stopping the fight didn't make things better. It just meant that they've given up on getting better. That they've accepted their fate. That they let everything silently eat them alive, because the only direction from here is down.

People often confuse acceptance for healing. But that's not true.

This acceptance comes out of hopelessness. When no one else is willing to help. When there's no way out, not even death.

When they come to terms with their problems, that isn't them getting better or healing. That's them giving up. That's them no longer fighting.

People look at this acceptance and think that it's someone getting better, purely because they stopped fighting it. But stopping the fight didn't make things better. It just meant that they've given up on getting better. That they've accepted their fate. That they let everything silently eat them alive, because the only direction from here is down.

So, I found a dented, albeit full, can of Stella Artois on my way home earlier.

But I feel that this may be a test from God.

Might drink it before I die.

Any recommendations on what to do with it?

For me, the worst part about these conditions sometimes isn't even the pain or condition - it's the lack of understanding.

How do you tell someone that you've been eating thousands of calories for years and can't control it while it's getting worse? They'd just tell you to fix or control it. Fuck, they might not even notice it. Try to tell them and you told it's a 'good thing', while your body and mind are being overloaded while calorie upon calorie.

How do you tell people that your heart is impaired and that your left heart is on the verge of failure? They won't take you seriously. Better yet, they'll just compare their pain to yours.

How do you explain that you have absolutely no memories left, just darkness, running on autopilot, while the world is unfamiliar and unreal? They won't care unless it's dementia.

How do you explain aspergers? Even the people who know you or someone with autism won't understand. They'll just hate and get frustrated. No understanding while you lose it internally over what you did wrong.

How do you explain irritability? Being violent and hating it, while not being able to control it? Others will just think you're making excuses, that it'll go away. They leave you feeling like a burden and a monster while your soul degrades to ash.

How do you explain deficits? People get hostile. They focus on the surface and not the thing driving it. They try to solve the problem and ignore the cause.

How do you explain feeling powerless? People will just think you don't want to help or are being lazy, while you berate yourself for your failures.

How do you explain lung pain? People will think you're making it up. That you're being dramatic. That it isn't as bad as you're making it out to be. Others want you to keep going while you can just barely pump enough blood to keep yourself from fainting and inhale enough oxygen to keep yourself alive, questioning why you were even made if you're only here to suffer.

How do you explain sensitivity? When the dissociation gives out and you're hit like a truck by emotions. Others will think you're just crying over nothing, while your memories come flooding back.

And these things don't always get better. The brain fog stops you from thinking at all. My 2/6 systolic murmur went to a 3/6 systolic murmur. My binge eating is getting worse and more frequent. My irritability is getting worse. My emotions are becoming more sensitive. Perfect endings are only for fairy-tales.

People often confuse acceptance for healing. But that's not true.

This acceptance comes out of hopelessness. When no one else is willing to help. When there's no way out, not even death.

When they come to terms with their problems, that isn't them getting better or healing. That's them giving up. That's them no longer fighting.

People look at this acceptance and think that it's someone getting better, purely because they stopped fighting it. But stopping the fight didn't make things better. It just meant that they've given up on getting better. That they've accepted their fate. That they let everything silently eat them alive, because the only direction from here is down.

I've been eating 2000 - 3000 calories for years. No one noticed. The binging is worsening. But I can't lose weight. Not physically or socially. I just binge every day, and I get met with hostility and hate every time I try. The amount I've been eating has significantly damaged my heart, but no one can see. They don't notice until I swing to the other side of the spectrum. Imagine how much easier my life would be if I wasn't fat, constantly damaging my heart, and harming my body through food. Even when I try to tell people, they just try to play it off as a good thing. If I decline food or lose my appetite, even when it's unrelated to my weight, people don't stop pressuring me or making me eat.

Or, better yet, I become ill, as in I vomit, my body randomly collapses, my muscles spasm, etc. And these last long after the deficit ends.

I'm still thinking of that one time it worked. For eleven days. I was truly happy and felt fine. Not fine because of memory erasure or disreality. Fine because I actually felt like a human. No more bad memories. No more noise. No more attempts. During that deficit last year, death or hopelessness hadn't even crossed my mind. And it was taken from me.

And my mitral valve regurgitation has became moderate instead of mild - moderate

The places I go don't just feel unreal anymore. They feel unfamiliar. Sometimes I feel like I can't talk English, even if I either talk fine or just start saying gibberish for a few seconds. My memory is just darkness. I can't think properly. It's just blank and dark inside my memories. The nihilism is beginning to override my head. I feel like I'm in a different plane of existence. Where my spirit and body are different people entirely, and I am the spirit, forced to follow the body wherever it goes, trying to tear from it, but ultimately still chained. I can't comprehend things correctly, like running, food, or even objects.

Sometimes I just go blank. Completely within my own head. All trace of any identity and emotion erased until it stops. Occasionally, there are triggers. Sometimes, there aren't clear ones. I just go somewhere or do something and I shut down.

I find it hard to believe that other 'humans' are sentient. It feels as though I'm the only one here that can feel anything. Even the body I feel trapped in just feels like a corpse or another empty object like the people around me. I simply manoeuvre it. It's not me, or even a person.

Can helplines trace you in ANY way? (IP address, phone number, etc).

I'm in the UK, by the way. I assume that changes things.