u/Modja

So me (37M) and my gf (37F) enter a period of friction when the subject of kids comes up.

This is because she is, understandably given biological timeframes, very keen of having children.

However:

1. we have not closed the gap.

2. we have only been dating for five months.

3. there may be differences of opinion on how the gap is closed; who moves where

4. She has no job and lives in the US. I have a niche job that I love, and live in the UK.

She constantly hints at the idea of having children, e.g. sending me Tiktok reels where mothers show off their babies etc.

We have a scheduled visit next week: I will spent 7 days in the US (our second visit) and she will come back and visit the UK.

On the call tonight, she mentioned that she's ovulating, and hinted strongly that she wanted to take advantage of that.

I'm now terrified and starting to lose trust.

I don't want to lose her, but I don't want to feel pressured into a situation either because of a biological clock that isn't my fault because I just came along five months ago.

Is the discord still running?

I'm fighting this battle alone, it feels like. I nuked my friend group to quit ... my attempt to form a new social circle around MTG following that ended in disaster.

When I'm not working, I just go to the gym and work out. I have no real life friends. I have a LDR gf, and I hide my issues to ensure I don't fuck that up.

Weed is illegal here. CBD isn't, and I'm tempted daily.

I don't know what to do. 😑

Thanks for reading.

My mother died when I was born. My father chose not to raise me; instead my grandparents did, and they invested my mother's inheritance wisely, so I had money when I turned 21. I have since parlayed that into a paid-off home and an investment pot. I'm 38.

I started building a relationship with my father only when I was 11, but it has never been super-close. I am much younger than my half-siblings, and I have never really got on well with my stepmother that he married when I was 7. It's a civil relationship - but not much more.

At one point, I was addicted to drugs. I needed somewhere to stay, away from a toxic environment, and get clean, and my stepmother refused to help. I had to find an alternative. I have since gotten clean and my life back on track.

Anyways, earlier this year they wanted me to help fund a bridge loan for them. They wanted to buy a new house before selling their old one, and wanted a bridge loan to finance the gap.

Their current house is ... unique. It's a nice property, a converted bakery, but as such it only has one parking space and three bedrooms. So a standard family would most likely look for more parking. They want an unreasonable asking price for those fundamentals, and so I doubt it will sell. My stepmother is not willing to entertain a lower price to get it to sell, and so I doubt I would be repaid in short order. I also don't want to be hassling them about money.

They also have other assets - including rental properties, that they could sell or otherwise leverage. They are not in a challenging financial situation.

So I said no.

Now they won't talk to me anymore. It's my stepmother behind it, of course, but my father is spineless and will go along with anything she says or does.

AITAH?

Hi guys,

I (37M) UK citizen am in a LDR with my girlfriend being a US citizen (37F)

So I anticipate, all being well, to get engaged by February next year.

I have a job here in the UK a very niche area of fintech. I like the company and the people very much. I fully work from home, it's so relaxed that it doesn't even feel like full time work. Work is pretty interesting. Lots of company sponsored meetups. Most people spend 20+ years in this company because of this culture, even though you are arguably underpaid.

My gf doesn't work, collects SSDI in the US and lives with her parents. She is close to her family and I think won't want to abandon them long-term. So long term goal is me moving to the US.

I own a home in the UK.

I'm thinking through all the permutations - her moving to the UK, me moving to the US, and I am thinking about the visa routes to close the gap and maintain maximum time together, my job, and a secure home through the visa processes.

My understanding is this.

Me moving to the US:

Under K-1:

I have to stay in the US after arriving, and cannot work immediately, so I have to quit my job. Can I rent a place with just my savings and no income?

Under CR-1:

I stay in the UK throughout the process.

I can still visit her in the US as a visitor, but not too much, perhaps 60 days a year total. This would align with my annual leave from my job.

Her moving to the UK:

Under UK fiancée visa:

She can stay 6 months and then switch to Spouse visa for 2 years 6 months after the marriage.

After extensive ChatGPT, I'm thinking the route should be:

1. We get engaged.

2. GF now Fiancée applies for UK fiancée visa.

3. Fiancée visits a few times during UK Fiancée visa process. (10-14 weeks) I also visit her in the US too.

4. Fiancée gets Fiancée visa and moves to the UK. We're finally permanently together.

5. We get married in the UK and apply for UK spousal visa. She cannot leave the UK to visit her family, or do a US marriage celebration, until it is granted (8 weeks or so)

6. We start the US CR-1 process for me. This can take 12+ months.

7. Now wife and I can do a US marriage celebration, and visit her family in the US reasonably often after UK spousal visa is granted. We live normally in the UK during my CR-1 process.

8. CR-1 granted.

9. We both move to the US.

What are your guys thoughts? I of course will be seeking professional advice too.

Edit: edited the final steps as I realised I cannot continue to work in the UK after going to the US and activating the CR-1.

So I have a deep insecurity about being taken advantage of. Financially, but also for other things. I have always struggled socially, and the few times I managed to make friends - I was basically used and treated like trash. Even my own family have used me in the past. My trust in people is virtually zero.

My long-distance girlfriend of 3 months knows this about my past. She has the same genetic condition as me, but our lived experiences are very different. We have met up once and spent a week together; other than that, it's been over video calls.

I opened up to share that at times, I have felt this fear of being used, being taken advantage of - with respect to her as well, but I have always batted it away, and I want to work on my trust issues. Before I did so, I tried to assure her as much as possible that this was all my insecurities, shapes by trauma, and not how I truly feel about her per se.

My insecurities are raised because she doesn't have a job (never has, just has social security) and lives with her family, a living situation she hates. Put simply, as someone who has rarely been truly loved and valued as a person, my fear is I might be used as a ticket out of her current life situation.

So I shared how I felt, and it went down badly. She said now she feels like she has to be careful what she says.

She didn't really empathise at all with how I could end up with the insecurities that I have, despite knowing all my history.

I don't know what to do. Of course I knew a bad outcome of raising this could be a possibility, despite any prefacing I did. Alas, I feel everything is broken now.

Any advice on where to proceed from here would be warmly welcomed.

Nothing worse than buying a bottle and it doesn't contain enough bubbles. Some European brands are guilty of this.

I'm here for the carbonation.Otherwise I would bought the weird stuff with the blue cap instead.