u/Mountain_Resident_81

Hello folks. Hope you’re having a lovely weekend. I know this won’t be anything new for this sub, but I hope some can commiserate, and at the least be reminded you’re not alone in this same struggle.

A bit about our story. Over the last 3 years I’ve had 3 ectopic pregnancies, leaving me infertile. We were approved for IVF, but at the same time I found out I have a progressive inflammatory disease. So we made the decision not to have children.

It’s been a while now, and honestly… life feels really quite good. The grief hasn’t disappeared, and I don’t expect it to really ever. But I’m finding more and more joy every day. We’ve moved to a new city that I absolutely love, there’s an amazing sense of community, our neighbours are lovely, we’re making friends, and we’ve just got an absolutely gorgeous, sweet, loving puppy (very willing to share photos 🤣). I’m going to Egypt next month, we’re considering Tanzania for calving season in January, and I’ve got an exciting new job in the new year. I feel more joy and hope than I have in years, and I’m really so grateful.

What hasn’t changed, unfortunately, is other people’s opinions about our life. My MIL is the biggest example. I do have a lot of sympathy for her because she’s emotionally quite vulnerable and I know this is something she struggles with; she’s always been highly anxious and externalises it onto everyone else. But with that she also seems completely unable to stop herself saying things that are incredibly hurtful. We’ve had several serious sit-down conversations explaining how much it hurts us, how insensitive it is, and that what we need now is for people to support us in building and enjoying the life we have. It just doesn’t seem to sink in. For example: the last time we visited, the first moment we were alone she came out with ‘I just wish [husband] could have the one thing he wants’ and today, just as we were leaving and after a lovely weekend where the family met puppy: ‘I just worry about you both when you’re older and have no one, because blood is really everything’ and ‘don’t you think you’ll be lonely?’ And the old chestnut ‘who’s going to look after you?’ 🙃 The one saving grace is that we live five hours away. My (increasingly fading) best friend also managed to share ‘I just don’t see that anyone who doesn’t have children can ever know real love’ Ma’am. Have you met my puppy? 🤣

Again I know none of this is anything novel for this sub, but I’d really love to hear others’ experiences with this and how you manage. I know we’re all trying so hard to build meaningful lives rather than constantly looking backwards at the ones we thought we’d have. For me it’s becoming increasingly frustrating that other people seem determined to remind me of what they think I’m missing. 

Love to hear your experiences.

(Also, I was removed from this sub a while back because we weren’t firmly in this place yet. I completely understand why, and I’m sorry again for that. We’re firmly here.)

Has anyone else experienced a strange feeling of almost forgetting to breathe on Cymbalta/duloxetine?
I don’t mean being genuinely short of breath or struggling to breathe, but more like my breathing sometimes becomes very shallow/automatic and I suddenly become aware that I haven’t taken a satisfying breath, so I need to consciously take a deep breath.
I’m on about week 12 60mg, and I’ve also had serious fatigue, brain fog and bad dizziness since starting, as well as headaches which I never get, and needing to wee ALL the time. Basically it seems to have messed up autonomic function.
My rheumatologist prescribed it me for chronic pain - I’m not too sure how well it’s working but I do feel less anxious. Just not sure the effect is enough that it’s worth continuing.

Hey York crew - wonder if anyone has singing lessons / vocal coaching in York? Used to sing a ton as a teen and performed but totally lost it as an adult and feeling the pull! Ideally within the ring road or doable by bus. Cheers

Absolutely livid at this disgusting attempt at journalism. I am seething that this sort of tripe is allowed to be published in a national newspaper - such irresponsible and damaging reporting. I’ve written to The Times with an official complaint. Someone needs to remove this vile ‘journalist’.

We’ve started a petition and would be grateful if you’d considering signing and sharing.

Absolutely livid at this disgusting attempt at journalism. I am seething that this sort of tripe is allowed to be published in a national newspaper - such irresponsible and damaging reporting. I’ve written to The Times with an official complaint. Someone needs to remove this vile ‘journalist’.

Edit: petition

Absolutely livid at this disgusting attempt at journalism. I am seething that this sort of tripe is allowed to be published in a national newspaper - such irresponsible and damaging reporting. I’ve written to The Times with an official complaint. Someone needs to remove this vile ‘journalist’.

Edit: petition

Currently sat in hospital receiving treatment for neurological Lyme and after an utterly dog**** few years, finally realising it’s time to shake things up.

For a while I’ve been seriously considering jacking in my attempt to ‘make it’ in academia and retraining as a tattoo artist. Drawing has always been my passion, I already have a small art studio, and I really want to work for myself and not continue to try to force myself into a career that no longer feels possible or even desirable.

I’m in my mid-late 30s so this feels like a pretty big leap, especially after spending so many years investing in a specific career. I just keep coming back to the feeling that I’d regret not giving something creative a proper shot.

Are there any other complete career changers here who retrained in their 30s (or later) and did something totally different? Especially anyone who went from a fairly conventional/professional career into something creative or self-employed?

Would love to hear what you did, how you knew it was the right decision, and how it’s worked out 💛

I’m at a bit of a crossroads and would really value perspectives from different people who have navigated academia with a disability/health limitations.

I’m an early-career academic with a background in epidemiology and global health (BSc, MSc, PhD + postdoc). I’ve done quite well academically, built a fairly substantial early research/fieldwork portfolio across several countries, have experience with grant writing, international collaborations and policy work. Now I’ve been offered a permanent (as permanent as they are) teaching and research role in a pretty good uni that is very much the kind of role I would previously have been aiming for.

My challenge is that I became disabled over the last couple years and my health is quite unstable at the moment. I’ve had a significant drop in what I can physically and cognitively manage compared with a few years ago. I’m still working, but I have to be much more careful about workload, recovery and energy than I used to be.

However I’m at the point where I have an opportunity that genuinely excites me. I feel capable of doing much of the role would love the teaching side of it. At the same time I’m worried about committing myself to a conventional academic workload when I don't currently know what my health will look like over the next year or two.

I’m trying to distinguish between ‘this is a great opportunity that I can make work with reasonable adjustments and a different way of working’ and ‘my body is telling me that this career structure simply isn’t sustainable for me anymore’ - but I don’t really know how likely that is in reality. I’m aware of how big workloads can become, but I’ve not experienced it and don’t know how much I can reply on support and lower pressure to secure grants.

I had sort of gotten to a place where I was happy to take a year off (fortunately supported by my husband) and just draw (my passion) and see what happens health wise and with other opportunities. And then this came up and feels like the universe is testing me!

Any advice and different perspectives would be really welcome.

I had some signs of POTS my whole life (hated standing in queues/always the one who got hot/craved salty food/feeling faint the shower/feet going purple etc) but I never knew what it was. Over the past couple of years though my health has declined significantly, which seems to have started after three ectopic pregnancies and multiple surgeries, one of which involved significant blood loss and another prolonged bleeding. Since then I've developed increasing orthostatic symptoms, severe fatigue, exercise intolerance and brain fog. I also have creeping daily chronic pain and diagnosed with hEDS and small fibre neuropathy. I’m awaiting a diagnosis of POTS but my rheumatologist is fairly certain and home testing seems to indicate I have it. The worst for me is the fatigue - I could spend all day sleeping and sometimes have to.

I'm curious whether anyone else feels there was a specific event that seemed to precede their POTS, such as surgery, pregnancy, illness, trauma or something else. Or did it seem to come on gradually without an obvious trigger? Interested to hear others’ experiences.

Hi all,

Hope it's okay to seek some advice here!

We're selling our Honda Jazz to a family member rather than advertising it. At 100k miles with a few superficial scratches/grazes, it'd probably be a bit harder to sell privately, but it's been an absolutely fantastic car - hybrid, automatic, and very reliable. Mechanics always comment on how good it is 😆

We're looking for a replacement now and have no idea where to start. Budget is up to £10k, happy with a hybrid or petrol, but we'd ideally like another automatic that's known for being dependable.

We don't want anything huge (not fans of the SUV/crossover trend), and it's just two adults plus two dogs.

What would you be looking at? Open to all suggestions!

Edit: to add, use is mostly a once-a-week commute (hour each way), then regular town driving, and a few motorway trips a year.

We're selling our Honda Jazz to a family member rather than advertising it. At 100k miles with a few superficial scratches/grazes, it'd probably be a bit harder to sell privately, but it's been an absolutely fantastic car - hybrid, automatic, and very reliable. Mechanics always comment on how good it is! 😆

We're looking for a replacement now and have no idea where to start. Budget is up to £10k, happy with a hybrid or petrol, but we'd ideally like another automatic that's known for being dependable.

We don't want anything huge (not fans of the SUV/crossover trend), and it's just two adults plus two dogs.

What would you be looking at? Open to all suggestions!

Edit: to add, use is mostly a once-a-week commute (hour each way), then regular town driving, and a few motorway trips a year.

Did anyone have any issues with this dive? I know most had issues with the ridgeline jump but for some reason the PoJ jump is bugging for me. I’ve tried every which way I can think of… the only thing stopping me getting 100% 😩

I wondered if anyone else here has had to come to terms with becoming financially dependent on their partner, at least temporarily.

Over the last two years, my function has seriously declined. I used to be very fit and active. I ran, did calisthenics, loved hiking trips and was always the person with plenty of energy. Now like most of us I deal with serious daily pain, tendon flaring and bruising, severe fatigue and probable POTS. I wake up aching, tire incredibly easily and often feel as though my body just can’t generate any more energy. Walking has become difficult and some days I feel reasonably okay lying down, but being upright for too long leaves me dizzy, nauseous and exhausted. I’m experiencing presyncope and faintness. I seem to also have reactive hypoglycaemia and can’t keep my ferritin above 30.

I am also autistic and, if I'm honest I have always found sustaining work challenging because of burnout and the effort of continually pushing through. My declining physical health has made that balance much harder and I am really struggling to keep functioning in the way I used to.

I am very privileged to have a loving and supportive husband who has reassured me that he will support us financially if I need to take time away from working. I know not everyone has that safety net. Even so I feel a huge amount of fear, grief and guilt about it. I have always been independent and took pride in being capable and self-sufficient. I’m concerned about long-term financial security though I’m trying to tell myself I don’t need to have that sussed right now. I think I’m also partly scared if I stop I won’t be able to go back. I’m considering applying for government support though goodness knows if I’d ever receive anything.

I know accepting support isn’t failure but I’m finding it emotionally harder than I expected. At the same time as grieving my health I think I’m probably grieving the identity of being an active person who had energy and dreams.

Has anyone else had to navigate this? Really glad to hear anyone else’s experiences and any kind support. 

My dad passed away a week ago unexpectedly and I’m feeling pretty flat. On the go at the moment are Things In Nature Merely Grow, One Of Us: The story of Anders Breivik, and The Hundred Years’ War On Palestine - so as you can see I could use some balancing humour…

I don’t mind fiction or non fiction.

Ones that have made me laugh before:
- A Walk In The Woods
- Sorrow And Bliss (also made me cry)
- Why Can’t I Just Enjoy Things
- Anne Of Green Gables
- All Creatures Great And Small

… apparently not many. Send me your funniest! 🙏🏻

Hi all, hope this is okay to post here. I have a refillable pen I use to draw which uses capillary reservoirs, and the nibs are like a fineliner tip which push into the capillary, usually 0.05 or 0.1 mm. Am I right in thinking that Diamine watercolour inks would be fine for this? They have such a lovely wide range and seem very reasonable. I don't think there's anything that could be ruined per se as the tips are all replaceable. Thank you!

Hi all,

Unsure if this is the right sub for this sort of topic but feeling very isolated around this situation and hoping for some kind and rational advice.

My dad recently died after a traumatic and rapid decline from cancer. The whole experience was incredibly overwhelming and I feel like my nervous system has completely imploded since it happened.

I have a long history of childhood trauma from my estranged mum, and my dad was neglectful throughout my childhood. We weren’t super close in adulthood, but I still loved him and his death has affected me. My relationship with my stepmum has also been very difficult for as long as she’s been around, including being kicked out at as a teen. She is emotionally volatile, drinks heavily when distressed, and most family events eventually become focused on managing her emotions and fears of abandonment. My dad never stood up to her but now it feels she’s even more able to act how she wants.

Immediately after dad passed I felt myself psychologically regress around the family system. When I said my husband and I planned to leave the family home after a couple of days, my stepmum became cold and hostile and said I was selfish because there was ‘so much to do’. I instantly went into complete fawn mode, over explaining myself, trying to calm everyone down and offering to stay and help. I felt like a frightened child again. In the morning she decided she didn’t want me there at all and said to leave, that she ‘wanted to be alone’.

Since then she has ignored my messages and attempts to help. I’ve repeatedly offered to take things on which have been ignored. She has also completely taken over organising dad’s wake. Everything I suggest in the group chat gets ignored or shut down politely, decisions have been made without asking me or my sister for input, and the whole thing increasingly feels centred around her. I already know that once all this settles down I will likely be going no contact with her because I can’t keep functioning inside these dynamics. I constantly feel flooded, hypervigilant and trapped back in old trauma states where I’m managing everyone her emotions and abandoning myself in the process. I’m sure my dad passing means my bandwidth is particularly low.

My struggle is I now feel deeply conflicted about attending the wake at all. The thought of going makes me feel physically anxious and emotionally unsafe.
At the same time, I’m extremely sensitive to what extended family members will think if I don’t go. I know there will likely be a narrative about me if I’m absent and I’m struggling to separate genuine desire from fear, obligation and image management.
I think what’s confusing me most is that if I remove the fear of judgment, I’m not actually sure I feel positive about going. It feels less like something meaningful for my grief and more like something I would endure to avoid being seen negatively.

I suppose I’m asking whether anyone else here has navigated funerals/wakes or grief inside dysfunctional family systems where attending felt psychologically unsafe. How did you know whether you were protecting yourself appropriately versus avoiding something out of overwhelm? And how did you tolerate the guilt and fear of being misunderstood by family if you chose not to attend?

Really welcome any advice or insights. Thank you for your time reading.

Note: ChatGPT helped me organise my thoughts here - so exhausted.

TLDR: My dad recently died and I’m unsure whether to attend his wake because difficult family dynamics are making it feel emotionally unsafe. I can’t tell whether wanting not to go is healthy self-protection or trauma-driven avoidance and fear of family judgment.