u/Music4239

In the beginning of our relationship she love bombed me and insisted her home and family could also be mine, and since I suffered from undiagnosed depression and was never really close to my family, I latched onto this until I could afford to move in.

I've come to believe in the principle that sometimes, the best things in the world often come from the worst. While I was with her I learned how to treat my depression and I came to deeply love (most) of her family.

The trade off was that she had undiagnosed bpd, misdiagnosed as bipolar, and as much as I loved her, she broke my spirit with her constant negativity, hypercritical comments, passive aggressive sarcasm, daily complaining and screaming and fits of rage.

Her violent meltdowns and threats of self-harm almost killed me. Being with her was a roller-coaster of dizzying highs and soul crushing lows. I essentially became her emotional caregiver as I saw her tear herself apart almost every day. I also helped her nurse her mom back to health when she was dying. I stayed because I didn't know where else to go. I stayed because I loved her and I didn't want her to hurt herself. I gave her everything, until there was nothing left.

We lived together for 10 years, and then through a painful and complicated series of events, she split and ended our relationship almost over night, 9 months ago. Suddenly, she had a new relationship and a new found sense of independence and she was done with me. When I tried to express my pain and confusion, the family turned on me, and I was eventually evicted and shoved out onto the street. For a few years prior, I had started suspecting that I was a survivor of domestic abuse. I now understand that to be far too true. I still blame myself, even now. I was too submissive, too codependent, to willing to say yes, over and over, to keep the peace. I wanted so badly not to hurt her, I ignored for too long how much pain I was in.

I've since moved in with my brother and I'm trying to move on. I know I shouldn't blame myself, but I still regret allowing her to almost extinguish my light. The PTSD and grief and ruminating is sometimes too much to bear, but I take it one day at a time. I experienced so much love, and life, and joy, but at the cost of allowing her and her toxic family to break my spirit with their cruelty, indifference, sarcasm, and inability to really see and hear me.