u/MusingsAndMind

Getting to my mid 30s, and this has been setting in for me more and more with each passing year.

Single, no kids, no romantic partner. My life is mainly just work and home. That's it.

And it feels so goddamn pointless. Why am I working and for what? Maybe it's an existential crisis I don't know, but I'm trying to determine the best path forward.

Maybe early retirement? Just feels like there needs to be some greater purpose otherwise all of my energy fades away. Just not sure what to do.

Trying to activate tremors just using my upper body, mostly by pressing my hands together.

Is this acceptable? Reason I ask is because I don't tend to store a lot of tension in my legs and they're typically quite flexible and not stiff. It's a different story with my upper body which is always quite tense.

It seems to me the goal of it is to withdraw from it in such a way where you remain in the lowest possible tax bracket.

So when retirement comes, I, assume, would need to not have any other type of income and withdraw from it in such a way that it keeps me in the lowest tax bracket.

Is that how that works? Seems challenging as unsure what my income situation will be like in the future but that's how I understand it currently.

All too often I'll just be sitting there.

Then suddenly.

"Why does my body feel like this?"

I'll get worked up, start panicking, do what I can to calm myself, try to lower stimulation and sensory input to stop getting overwhelmed.

Why is this tight? Why does my body feel this way? Am I okay? Is something wrong? Something must be wrong. I don't like this at all. What if I have an undiagnosed condition and my health is at risk?

Hypochondria is a special sort of Hell.

One constant I've noticed in my two decades of doomscrolling is how much it impacts the bandwidth I feel I have for self-care.

If I'm overstimulated as a result of scrolling?

No, I'm not going to floss my teeth.

No, I'm not going to shave.

No, I'm not going to shower.

I think back to the old stereotypes of MMO players who would piss in bottles and let their appearance go to shit. That's me, but replace gaming with mindless scrolling.

The fact that it interferes with something so basic is reason enough to get a grip on this addiction.

Lately I've been coming across posts of people who have a lot more in their brokerage versus retirement, and I don't really get it?

What I have so far (as someone in their early 30s) is

401k - 127k

Roth IRA - 71k

Brokerage - $200

And this is because I thought brokerage was for individual stock picks. Are the people who have a ton in their brokerage ones who just got lucky? Because my picks did not pay off and the value of that specific account went down.

Do I just ignore the brokerage and stick to retirement because I don't really know what to do with it.

For example I used to smoke and drink, somehow. Now? The mere thought of doing either fills me with terror.

Maybe I got some type of PTSD from it. I still drink caffeine, but even that I have to be extremely careful with.

When I made my first Myspace two decades ago, I was but a young, edgy teenager, as many of us were.

Like all users, Tom was on my friends list. But then, in my youthful naivety, I thought to myself:

"I'm going to delete Tom from my friends list."

And so I did. And then everything just felt off, like I made a mistake. Would Tom accept my attempt at adding him back?

So I go to add him back as a friend, and in a matter of seconds, what do I see?

Tom back on my friends list. I think he knew there would be users who would, like myself, foolishly do that.

Tom was forgiving.

Tom understood.

Your days feel like they last longer, you have more mental bandwidth to allocate to other areas.

You don't get absorbed anymore.

There's power to gain in this specific type of self-control and it will set you apart from everyone else.

Think on how different life could be, when you're not continually overstimulating yourself.

What is it that pulls us into these aimless scrolling sessions?

All that surfing, time gone, yet we repeatedly do the same thing day in and day out.

Why? What about this habit is pleasing to our brains and why does it feel difficult to break away?

As it turns out, I cannot handle caffeine or any stimulant on an empty stomach. So the obvious answer is to eat first, and I have been as of today.

That said, for future supplements etc, are there any that CAN be taken on an empty stomach without consequences?

The physical anxiety is just too much for me to bear.

I managed to not drink coffee for a month at the start of the year, and ultimately went back after realizing that I still had an anxious mind. So figured, eh, I'll just manage the physical symptoms.

But if I didn't drink this shit, I wouldn't have to spend time and energy MANAGING something that doesn't need to be there.

I cannot handle physical anxiety. I cannot. Fucking can't dude.

So, I suppose it's time to give kicking caffeine another whirl because holy shit I can't keep doing this.

As much as I'd like to just exercise all day the body fatigues.

So I can wake up, and do a 40 minute to an hour long workout no problem. I have it down.

But I still come home and find myself staring into the void after. So I filled my life with one productive thing, and am so far succeeding.

Now what?

Unfortunately for me I feel hunger signals heavily.

So far exercising more is going well. Eating less? Not so much.

Any ways you all specifically use to reduce the sensation of hunger?

That's been my realization anyway. I surf the internet because it's easy, feels like I can't lose.

But I do lose despite not feeling it, while everything that takes more effort and focus is neglected.

It's easy for me to just not do anything. Simple as that. Not doing things is easier than doing things, which seems fairly common sense.

If I'm in a doomscrolling loop, over the years I've become good at stopping and breaking away. This is after years of feeling helpless toward my behavioral addictions, so alreayd a big sign of progress!

You would figure that this would lend itself to doing things that are better for me, right?

Not my experience unfortunately. I'll just stare off into space or at a wall instead of engaging in a healthier activity. I can stop doing things just fine. I cannot start doing better things without just blanking out and staring into the void. And I'll stare into the void for a good long while especially knowing that I have something to do that involves organization and focus.

It's like there's a barrier blocking me from doing healthier things. I've succeeded if it's something simple like taking a long walk. That I can do, no problem. But if it involves planning, structuring, organizing? Nope, I'm out, can't do it.

So I have one aspect of discipline down, which is stopping bad behaviors. But I don't have starting better ones down. Unsure how to remedy this. I do have inattentive ADHD, but medication sadly caused issues for me.

The last few dates I've had, I have been a nervous mess.

Anxiety, shakiness, can't eat. The most unfortunate part is that, consistently? The women I've went on dates with have picked up on this.

I can't help how I react. I'm an anxious guy, and that's just what it is. If that means it makes it unlikely I'd be able to get into a connection with someone, I suppose I'll have to make peace with that.

Dating is a source of stress for me I guess. I've tried all the mental gymnastics to calm myself down before one, but the nerves always come through. Oh well.

Basically, I cannot organize at all.

I lose things, living situation is a complete mess. I cannot seem to make the effort to clean up without it feeling like my brain is short circuiting.

As such, I've tried to live a minimalist life, because the moment material things come into my life that require a modicum of organization, I cannot do it. I just can't. My surroundings will turn into a mess every single time.

I'd like to find strategies to strengthen my executive functions. Open to suggestions.