u/No-Ad1975

my trauma does not have one source, it has multiple. i know “c-ptsd” isn’t officially recognized yet. for the sake of this example, let’s say my “main” trauma here was/is DV.

i’m aware that all DV experiences are different, but a lot of survivors can relate to being easily startled, which i am. in that same vein, there is that feeling when someone is angry, and starts… banging things. like, aggressively putting stuff away, slamming doors, you know. where you might be thrown back into your trauma and become scared because those noises in the past meant something bad would follow. i personally find these situations upsetting, but don’t usually get put into full blown shut-down. oddly, today i did? nothing seemed particularly different, someone was mad and made scary noises. i got scared. but it was worse than usual.

to add, this also followed with the aforementioned person going cold, which scared me even more. if you have been abused, often when the abuser goes cold, and you can’t read them, they’re almost unpredictable. you can’t be ready for what’s going to happen. so if i know you’re pissed off, but you’re masking it with a smile, that is very daunting to me. they also, in that sweet customer service voice, essentially told someone to fuck off at the store for cutting us in line. (i was already in shut down mode here)

anyway, all that said, it took me like an hour to pull out of this, even when the person calmed down. i don’t know why.

this might sound silly, but i can only think of two reasons.

1, i am reading “the body keeps the score” which i have been finding profoundly enlightening about trauma, but i think dug up my feelings a bit? i had at the same time as starting the book, realized maybe i was carrying it, holding onto it, more than i thought. like, it wasn’t “bothering me” constantly, but at my core, maybe it was still effecting who i am and my day to day life.

and 2, my sister is now consistently in my life, which is a positive, but she and i had become estranged during the time of the DV, it was very difficult, and when we did reconnect, it wasn’t in the same way as it has been now (she lived in another state until about a year ago). we are getting close again, and i’m just wondering if it’s subconsciously on my mind.

do these answers make sense to anyone?? maybe i just solved my own problem, but also maybe i’m stupid. i’m wondering if anyone can relate or has thoughts. i have plans to see a trauma therapist in addition to my current therapist, because i realized that just talking about my week hasn’t felt sufficient to me.

thanks for reading if you did

some products say 100% cotton and they are thick and firm. others say 100% cotton and are thin, soft, loose, and let air in well. i like the latter. how do i find that if both are 100% cotton

its like, youll tell them that youre autistic, and theyre all “okay i get it”

and then you do any autistic behavior , and suddenly they dont get it

they dont make the connection or they dont understand? and you become the asshole just for existing as a neurodivergent person.

i can count on one hand the amount of people ive felt genuinely close to, ever, who i felt *seen* by

little statements like “you know. i used to think you were being rude by doing that , but now i realize…” or “when i first met you i honestly thought you were dramatic. but after all this time , i get it. you aren’t. you never were”

those things stick with you so hard because, its like , yes, yes EVERYONE thinks that, everyone thinks im rude and dramatic, how do you think that feels for me?

like it means SO much to feel seen but dont we deserve a little more compassion, just like, in general? why does it take so much work? we are like a villain by default. and it sucks. even if we explain ourselves over and over ,, we arent HEARD.

and nobody believes how much we struggle. idk. just sucks