u/NoLobster7957

This is a stupid post already.

Been together for around 4 years. Im a full time student and he pays the bills. He calls me names, like stupid, idiot, asshole, moocher, addict. I drink too much and I'll own all those. He tells me he doesn't like me. Tonight he didn't feel good so I called him an ambulance. He flipped me off, screamed at me, called me more names while I was trying to get him what he needed. He told me I was never there when he needed me after I had called them.

I understand he was freaked out. If I had an emergency, I would have been patient and told him gently exactly what I needed, but I've also been in Healthcare for many years so I assume that may have rubbed off. I know he was scared. He does this a lot.

I know I'm not a great person. I have substance abuse issues and I can be standoffish. I've only had one person I was with who was this mean, who made me feel this badly, and that was years ago.

I love him and when it's good it's good. But this is coming more and more and I think maybe he just doesn't love me anymore, or he doesn't like me very much, or I'm just a fucked up person and I've turned him off of me. I dont know. But without a job and without family around me I can't even get away. We have two cats and I can't imagine my life without them but I can't see myself living this way forever, always scared he'll go off on me, and always looking for a way to get fucked up so I dont have to think about the situation im in.

I really have no idea what to do. I really have no idea.

We've been together for 4 years and some change. About 1.5 years ago, after me discussing with him several times that marriage was something I wanted, he asked me if I wanted to marry him while we were laying in bed. Like this kind of: "I would like that with you. Would you?"

I got excited and told a bunch of people and so did he. Months later he hadn't bought a ring, didn't discuss it and seemed oblivious to the whole thing. I dropped it and became very resentful. It's been brought up in arguments lots of times by me since then and he still seems to not want to acknowledge it. Despite this he refers to me as his fiancee in public. During our fights he's cited reasons for not wanting to marry me, including that he thinks I'm financially irresponsible (I'm a pharmacy student and don't work due to school). I have issues with the proposal itself as well... he was married before me and his proposal to his ex wife was very ornate and at a lovely location. With a ring, I might add. So, he does understand how it works.

This has made me feel unimportant and just shitty. We have a relatively good relationship but it's deteriorating of late and I'm beginning to feel like I'm wasting my time waiting around for him. I've also started drinking more to try and drown out the negative thoughts which sucks because I prefer being sober.

There are a lot of other issues in our relationship and I should mention he's AuDHD so I would like to chalk it up to that, but the pervasive thought is that I'm just not good enough and he's showing me that without saying it. He's also extremely tight about money so we don't have many date nights or any sort of bonding time (he likes playing games most nights).

I would like to fix this, I don't want to jump right to leaving. But I'm becoming progressively more unhappy as time goes on and I don't want to be in another long term relationship without any commitment (last one was 12 years without marrying, mostly due to him not believing in marriage and me conceding to that to make him happy).