u/No_Calligrapher4196

SPOILERSSSS

I'm on book 6 and just got past the point where they are talking about the residuals and Carl gets pulled from that speech. Was it really nothing? The speech truly wasn't important and those people are just fugitives now? I saw a spoiler for floor 9 >!that other crawlers come into plays so I could definitely see them all just lying and that group being important !<and I dont want any further spoilers. I just need to know: was it all nothing or will this come back and be expanded upon? Imma keep focusing on it till I know but I dont want to know how it comes back if it does, just the if. Maybe just the speech was unimportant but the group isnt. Idk. Its driving me nuts. I hate a big build up for nothing. Make me feel like a crack addict itching for a hit

Edit: These reactions are just fueling the crack addict. I know somethings coming and I am JONESING. I have to go to bed cuz its 3am 🥲 but I cannot wait to keep going. It's gonna keep me up

TW: surface mentions of medical problems/death and grief

This is not an AITA post I promise, despite the half joke title. I'm honestly just having a rough day and want to scream into the void to people that have zero stake in the conversation. Opinions aren't rejected but truly I'm just overwhelmed and reddit has somewhat become my journal so this is a long one. I need to word vomit to process.

Context: My main issue is that my (23NB) life has become encompassed with my whole household (mom and 2 aunts) being very medically complicated. And by medically complicated I mean I'm recognizable at my local grocery stores flower department and we've aquired over a dozen new vases this year because ER + being admitted = flowers. Needless to say I am stressed to the nines. There is a lot of really heavy unfixable things going on with my family. Also yes my partner is in therapy and I have been too. Anyways..

The problem is that my partner (22NB) just makes things worse every time I talk to them or am around them. They freeze during any important or stressful situation. They just shut down no matter the context or importance. We've spoken about this. Multiple times. But the thing is, I go back and forth with heavy guilt of a sorta "am I the problem" type thing. Because I know my situation isn't common and it's very heavy. It's easy for people to not know what to do or say when someones like "lol yeah haha my moms dying it's such a fun time over here". But at the same time like Jesus fuck going silent and needing to be told to stop just staring at me and hug your grieving partner is crazy no?

We've had conversations about their inability to be independent, think for themselves, and not need to be ordered around to get things done before, not about my grief just general life things. It's the common over functioner and under functioner dynamic but a bit further. Like they get so lost in their head thinking about a game that I have to remind them to eat the food in front of them or we will get stuck at the table for 2 hours over a chicken sandwich. Except now the over functioner is falling apart and their partner can't even offer a comforting word or pat on the back.

Like tonight we got a simple fast food dinner. They asked how I was doing pertaining to my family so I responded by saying I was exhausted and through the conversation it turned into me updating them on diagnoses and surgeries coming up and possibly having to drop one of my jobs to be with my family more as a caretaker. Just generally overwhelmed and stressed tf out. They went quiet and was just staring at me and previously that would lead to me comforting them about my own pain, saying it's okay and their presence helps and whatever to aliviate their guilt, but I refuse to do so anymore so I just let the silence get uncomfortable and finished my food. They muttered a few things while looking deep in thought while I was talking like "thats just terrible" and remarks about US Healthcare being shit, but once I stopped talking they had nothing to say. When we went to go our separate ways they walked out with me to my car and stood like 5ft away from me, no hug and kiss goodbye. I asked why they were so far and they looked like they just noticed the distance. I ended up going home and they later texted and apologized for being so in their head that they forgot to say goodbye properly and mentioned that we've talked about it and they previously promised to do better. I would usually comfort them, but I just agreed this time because I'm so tired.

This totally sounds like my problems are weighing on them too much right? No. They chronically worry that they're not doing enough for me, that they don't know what to do and they aren't helping. So much so that they freak themselves out and shut down bringing their worries to truth because they're now only thinking of themselves and how they should do better without ever actually doing anything because they're frozen. Yes they are in therapy. It's not about me or what I'm saying at all. They react like this over me saying my back hurts or I got a cold.

I, in much much nicer words, semi-recently told them they need to get their shit together or I'm leaving because I can't have a partner that I need to support through supporting me and doesn't have a single inkling to maybe hug their partner. Say "I'm here for you even though its hard, you're not alone". Maybe make a meal for the family since were all going crazy with this shit, food is such a common thing to do when there's nothing to be done. Bring some flowers or a get well card for my family. Anything.

I know the relationship is likely just over at this point. I've given them plenty of time to learn how to support me and things I enjoy when I'm hurting, but they are just flailing at everything. I had so much compassion and patience for them to work things out in therapy because I know where these behaviors come from but there has been ZERO improvement, in fact it's gotten so much worse to the point I can't even get a comforting text anymore. Like Jesus fuck how can you not just show up for your partner when their mom is in the hospital so consistently purely because you're so insecure about failing that you wont even try, they've had so many chances to really try and it becomes about them and their stress about my stress. I leave hanging out feeling so shit even on a day where I start out feeling good because their incompetence is so blaring sometimes.

Part of me feels like an asshole for letting the resentment get this far. I should've walked sooner, it's just so hard to process and make tough decisions when I'm so focused on keeping everyone in my family alive, fed, and somewhat happy. I feel like I sound so entitled, but I try to remind myself of the ways I've shown up for them and others even when I was stressed out and how they haven't done the same. I know they care so much, but they just don't do anything about it and I'm so so so tired.

I've planned dates, sat down with gentle long conversations about how I'm feeling, I've done everything in my power to give grace and patience and the benefit of doubt, I still communicate when I'm hurting in a calm gentle manner to give them the chance to be there because they asked me to, I put effort into not talking about depressing things too regularly and create a positive atmosphere even if I feel like shit that day so our relationship isn't revolving arount my sick family, I am still affectionate and show interest in their life, I still comfort and advise their problems. And my fucking whole family is dying. I do all of that while barely holding it together and they can't pull themselves together enough to do something comforting for me because they're so absorbed in their own insecurities instead of fixing the damn problem that's causing them. I'm so done. I am so. Tired.

My (23NB) mom (55F) has stage 2 diastolic heart failure. I was wondering if anyone knows about the realities of what it's like to live with that, how long people live with it, what complications may arise, anything really. I've tried to research it on my own but it always sends me into a panic spiral and I just want to throw up. I think hearing it from real people will make digesting the information a lot easier than robotic articles.

A little more information: She's had 3 heart attacks over the past 1.5 years. As well as 2 strokes directly after angiographies, one inducing a brain bleed. I'm pretty sure it's related cuz heart, but not sure if that'll help anyone with information. She's had a stent put in due to a blockage (that caused the heart attacks) and likely has another. There was talk of an open heart surgery at some point, but I don't know how soon that'll be or the super exact details of why it needs to be done. Likely because the last attempt at a stent caused damage? Not sure.

Anyways, any help understanding this all would be appreciated. You can be as real/blunt as needed. I just think talking to humans is better than the google rabbit hole.

Where should I move?

I (23NB) and my best friend (24NB) are looking to move in/near portland late this year/early next year. I have 3 friends in the area and after reccomendations from them, looking at safety ratings, and budgets we settled on Gresham to start out for the first year and get familiar with other areas. However, after posting about the area I got a lot of negativity about Gresham so now I'm questioning where we should start out.

The main 2 priorities are safety and budget. We are looking to spend $1500/month or less for a 2 bedroom anything, apartment, condo, duplex, whatever as long as it has at minimum laundry on site and allows cats. My best friend can be pretty paranoid about loud noises/gun shots/people walking around our living space, so safety ratings are important too. Plus I'm not a large individual and would like to not be looking over my shoulder constantly.

So I guess my question is:

Do you know of areas within portland or close by that fit those requirements?

My (23NB) and my best friend (24NB) are moving to the gresham area in late November/early December from Arizona. Does anyone know of good places to rent, preferably $1500/mo or under in the area? Or otherwise any useful tips in general for the area. We've already moved across the country before so we've got travel down, just don't know the area all too well.

Sorry if formatting is trash, I'm on my phone. And also sorry for how much context/background there is, I'll try to keep it as short as I can but there's a lot on my heart.

I (23NB) have been dating my partner (22NB) for close to a year. We have been friends for much longer. I'll start with relevant background.

- My partner and I are both neurodivergent, so social situations aren't always easy, however we both work full time, have our own places, pay our bills, have healthy friend circles, etc. Aka we are competent adults.

- My partner has been in one 2 year toxic/abusive relationship (cheating, verbal abuse, neglect, etc) and one short term relationship that ended in cops being called to remove her from the apartment before me. That's their only relationship experience.

- Their mother is very controlling and raised my partner to pretty much shut up and stay out of the way because their sister threw a lot of tantrums if she didn't get her way.

- They went straight from highschool to living in dorms at college and entered the workforce about a year ago, got their first apartment about 6 months ago.

I believe these 3 things are the main contributions to the issues we are having.

A couple obligatory mentions: My partner truly wants to do everything they can to be a good partner. They aren't doing things on purpose to be mean. They aren't just being lazy. Please refrain from insults. Yes they are in therapy, they started about 6 months ago.

Now, onto the issue. I feel like my partner doesn't know how to think for themselves. I knew entering the relationship that they were in an era of finding out who they really are, including being queer, and not who their family had decided they should be. I knew there would be a lot of growth, discovery, and change happening. That patience would be needed. However, I didn't expect it to get this bad. They don't seem to know how to be independent at all. I don't know how to describe it, so I'll just list some things that have happened starting with smaller items

- Their apartment is often messy. They leave things on the counters but complain that the cats knock things over, leave bad food in the fridge, bowls and trash around their room. It isn't until I make a comment do they pick things up. If I ask them to clean, they will, but they don't seem to think about it until I point out leaving ceramic bowls on counters around 4mo kittens will result in them shattering and being dangerous, then they will clean it.

- They get lost in thought very easily to the point that it can take us 2-3 hours to finish a meal. They will get lost thinking or listening to me talk or them talking and will forget there's food. I have to remind them to eat constantly or the food will sit and get gross and we can't move onto the next task.

- We were playing with one of my clients dogs, my partner was holding onto a tug of war type toy, and my partner looked irritated. I asked if they were having fun over there or if they wanted to stop and their response was that if they didn't continue the dog would paw at them so they have to keep holding on. I had to point out that they could simply move and give the toy to me and the dog wouldn't bother them. This happens in multiple iterations, they forget that they don't have to do something that they don't like until I point out the other solutions and will just sit miserably for weeks even in some instances. This is included with the messy apartment, something can bother them in their own home but they won't change it until I say something.

- The biggest one though is relationship based. My mom has some really big health issues. In the past 6 months she's had 3 heart attacks and 2 strokes. I am the only one in the house of 4 adults that can physically hold a job and do certain tasks, so this is obviously a stressful time for me and I am often at my own mental limit of having to juggle everything (3 jobs, relationship, household, pets, friends, etc). My partner very very often will not take action unless I specifically ask them for something. We have talked about this multiple times, including a long sit down conversation that was in detail of me feeling alone and like I have to order them to get them to be there with me (Bolded so I dont get the million "just talk to them" messages, I have). The day that kinda broke me was 2 days after we found out my mom had a brain bleed, heart attack, stroke, and had to fight with the hospital. My mom was home and I was in survival mode until that day. I had a major panic attack and told my partner as such. They offered to drop off food that night and I said that wouldn't really help, thats their go to for support. Then they just kinda fell off, not even encouraging messages or anything. I simply didn't have it in me to make a list of what I wanted from them, actions or verbal things, I barely even knew myself, but I wanted them to be there in some capacity and they just weren't. Their one move didn't work so they gave up and dissappeared. The next day I expressed my upset in, again, being left alone. They said they were beating themself up for not doing more before I even said anything but it was like a wall. They just shut down from the anxiety of not being good enough and ran. Which has happened multiple times and was talked about. We've talked about the fact that after over a year of being friends and almost a year of dating they still don't know what I need in times of distress and don't show up actively unless asked very bluntly like a "I need you to do this". And the pressure of messing up and proving just that makes them panic and shut down. The breaking point that I just mentioned was a whole conversation that ended with me saying there is a whole lot that I value and love about them. That there are so many absolutely amazing and thoughtful things that happen in our relationship and I see the efforts, the slow changes, everything, but if they continue not showing up in real times of need I will leave. I told them that they have one more chance.

I know most people will say "just leave", but I really don't want to. They are a very sweet person and have a lot of qualities I spent many nights wishing for. This post only highlights the negatives because listing the positives would take hours and the post is long enough, please keep in mind that you don't have a full picture of our relationship and the points I've made is not all there is. Please do not insult or give the two word "leave them" response. I am looking for thoughtful advice please.

Now onto the real reason I am posting. I am posting because I am struggling to see my partner as a, well, partner. As an equal. I know I'm a year older than them, but I can't help but feel I am years of progression ahead. I want to change this perspective, but I don't know if all hope is gone once you hit that point or if time will change it. Can you come back from seeing your partner as incompetent, not trusting they can handle serious situations, or feeling like you're a guide/teacher to your partner? They're genuinely doing so much to try to change and I've actively seen a difference in behavior the past few weeks. Much more attentive and active in asking how I am, offering to spend time with me, and much more. But I feel I've reached a point that I'm getting annoyed when they ask how I am and try to change. Part of me is just mad that it took this long, why didn't they take these measures the first time we spoke. Why did it take me breaking down and threatening to leave for this effort. I feel like I may not even want their change now and I hate it.

Can I go back, can I change that feeling, how do I appreciate their efforts without being angry? I know my partner has so much trauma fueling their actions and they are working on it. I try to hold space for that as much as I can, but that space eventually runs out when those important moments are fumbled. Any real advice is appreciated.

TLDR (but please don't comment just based on these few sentences): My partner makes me feel like they're a robot that needs orders and that I am now a guide to them. They are actively making changes, but I don't know how to be mad that it took this long.

Edits: misspellings/grammar

I'm a server here and when being trained I was told to just keep hitting OK when clocking out. But I dont know what that 2nd screen means when it says "Tip In" as you're clocking out and entering your cash tips etc.