u/No_Morning_3635

I worry I am slipping back into psychosis even though I’m on my meds again now. I have already been having a lot of paranoia. Maybe seeing bugs that aren’t there. I’m unsure. Now as of last night I keep hearing my name being called by different voices. A lot of them I don’t know. It’s happened a lot today. I will admit I have been under a lot of stress. Yesterday my mom told me she doesn’t care about me anymore and today I got written up at work because I customer complained about me. Saying I looked angry and threw things into bags when that’s not true. Now my anxiety is up. This is like the first time I have been written up in the 8 years I’ve worked here. They said that normally there are 3 write ups until termination but told me that even though this is my first write up I will be terminated if it happens again. I have been trying really hard to be nice and happy and bubbly these last few days even though my mood is getting worse and worse because of the stress and what’s going on. I just don’t know what to do. I feel like I need time away from work. Maybe I can figure out how to take a leave of absence from work and only do DoorDash for a while till my meds have things under control? I can’t afford the hospital again. I have gone a few times and I’m in debt because of it. I am getting concerned though because of how often I keep hearing my name. Sometimes it’s in loud environments, sometimes not. Can’t tell if this is mood related or if it’s stress related as I also have BPD and have been feeling really rejected lately. It’s just too much. I’m so tired.

Got written up today. Apparently a few customers complained about me. Saying they thought I was mad when I wasn’t. That I shot looks at them. I don’t think I did. I understand that as an autistic person I’m not the best at faces but I didn’t shoot them a look. They wrote me up and said it’s a yellow tag or something like that? They said if anything happens again I’m getting terminated. I feel like I’m going to throw up. I’m so anxious. If I get fired I’ll lose access to my healthcare and won’t be able to pay my medical bills I already have. I think I’m fucked. I don’t know what to do. My new team lead has been bullying me so I WAS gonna transfer to Sam’s Club but I know that I can’t now. I can’t until that falls off in a year. This is just great. This after my mom telling me she doesn’t care about me anymore last night. Really the cherry on top. But hey, at least they said they care about me and told me to call Lyra.

I had been in a months long manic episode and off my meds for a while. A few weeks ago he said if I don’t take my meds “I don’t know what I can do for you”. I panicked and he said he’s not referring me out. Then a few weeks later and he said “it’s your life, but I think you should contact your psychiatrist”. Fast forward to last week and I have been having health issues and the emergency room didn’t believe me and started talking down to me because I’m bipolar. I had asked if he wanted an update after the appointment and he said “well not minute by minute but if somethings very wrong ya”. I made it clear I didn’t mean minute by minute and he said ok. I feel like he is distancing from me. Getting ready to refer me out. That he is frustrated and sees me as a liability. I think if I go to the hospital again for psych he is going to be done with me. I think I’m gonna start my meds again tonight but I think it’s too late. I think I’m about to lose the only person in my life who actually listens and doesn’t talk down to me. I worry that if I end up in the psych ward again that’s it for our relationship. I just feel like he has been so cold lately.

Ok. I get it. Nobody is replying to any of my Reddit posts on any of my accounts because they know who I am. They want me to suffer because of my past mistakes. Can’t even post about something physical on a doctor sub and get advice. It’s because everyone knows. They all know who I am. They don’t wanna help me. They think I deserve it. I am just trying to live a happy life until it gets ruined by those who have a plan to ruin it. I am so fucking grateful for the life I have. The house i live in, the car i drive, my job at Walmart, my therapist, my pets. Sure people are mean a lot but that’s ok. You have to look at the positives. You HAVE to. I am trying to just look at the positives before everything goes to shit.

I am so fucking stressed right now. I don’t know what to do. I’m convinced people are going to use my main reddit account to find me in real life. That they will find out everything about me and broadcast it to the world to ruin me. Make life not worth living. I care so much about social justice and helping people because it’s important to me and I worry I won’t be able to help people ever if all the bad things I have done ever get out. It has to do with who I voted for in 2016. I won’t say who but I will say I was forced to. I was threatened with homelessness and the loss of contact with my entire family at the age of 19. I’m also seeing things that scare me. Like shadow figured or giant bugs crawling toward me. I regret that choice so much. I feel like I hurt a lot of people and one that comes out they will never let me help them like I’m supposed to. They will cast me out. What is wrong with me? What do I do? What if the people use that other reddit about to track me down? What if after they ruin my life they hurt me or others I care about? Do I go to the police?

Yesterday I think I heard a message when I was listening to music earlier. I heard 2 different songs say “I’m coming for you” which is an actual lyric in the songs. I have been having the strong urge to keep listening to music to hear more now. I told my friend and she doesn’t believe me. She says I’m manic just like my therapist said, but I don’t think i am. I think it could be true because for about a week and a half I have felt this presence that’s constantly with me. Most of the time it’s behind me. It’s constantly there. I have also had thoughts that people are watching me through the cameras at my work and that my coworkers are plotting against me. Everytime they get behind me I feel like they are gonna stab me. I’m scared of my therapist too. Scared he is gonna do something to hurt me. I keep throwing up because I keep thinking people are messing with my food to do something to me. I feel like my time is near. I’m just trying to have a good time with the time I have but it’s difficult with all the reminders.
Edit: this morning my outlook on life has totally changed. I was listening to music again and realized the message behind it. Live life to the fullest. I feel so inspired. I’m a fucking genius for figuring this out. I’m awake now. My therapist and doctor just want me to take meds so I don’t know the truth.

My therapist says I’m in a manic episode but I’m not so sure anymore. I keep seeing bright flashes in the corner of my eyes and objects flying past my vision. My friend told me that’s god communicating to me. I haven’t really been religious recently, really for like over a year and wasn’t sure if I believed in god anymore. Anyway, I keep having this feeling that someone or something is behind me. That it could either be a person or even someone super natural. It moves around me depending on if I have my back against something or not. Yesterday I was so scared someone was gonna come shoot me or my coworkers were gonna stab me when they went behind me. Is that god communicating with me? Telling me to get close to him again because my time will end soon? I don’t wanna die. Especially being shot. What do I do?

So I have been experiencing some symptoms of mania since Friday after I had 2 energy drinks during a depressive episode. I had a switch after the energy drinks and at first thought it was the caffeine. Fast forward a few days and I still feel amazing and full of energy. Anyway something weird happened at work yesterday. I went to lunch at Burger King. It is across the parking lot from where I work. Not far from it. Anyway, it started pouring when I went to come back and instead of waiting for it to stop I figured I’m in such a good mood it won’t matter if I get a little wet. Anyway while I am walking to the store I work at I notice customers looking at me weird as I get closer to the building even though they are walking in the rain too. I get inside the building and my coworkers see me. They instantly start reaching. They say things like “oh my god” “oh no” and “why didn’t you wait till the rain stopped?” And “I hope you don’t get sick”. I was covered in water. Dripping head to toe. The only thing here is I don’t understand why it was so damn shocking. Lots of people walk in the rain. It’s not anything new. Anyway fast forward a few hours and I decided I didn’t wanna be a work so I lied about a family emergency to be able to leave early and I did. I’ve never done that before. Don’t really know why I did it. Anyway the main point here is I am pretty sure I am at the very least hypomanic and I don’t get why people were judging me yesterday.

Making this post because I’m wondering if my meds are keeping me from fully going manic or if I’m slowly going into a manic episode or if it’s just caffeine or something. So last week or the week before I was in a depressive episode for about a week. I was sleeping all day when I wasn’t at work. Wasn’t doing therapy work. Just miserable. Fast forward to Friday of last week. I decided to have an energy drink because I was so tired due to the depression. I ended up having 2 of them. Then I started having manic symptoms like high energy, really hyped and happy, increased libido, constantly craving caffeine, felt like everything was gonna work out and that my life was great. I thought it was just the caffeine. It didn’t wear off though. It’s Sunday now and I’m still feeling this way. But now I’m also wanting to stay up all night and go out and party(not normal for me)or something. I can still lay down in bed even though I internally feel restless. My sleep has been normal. I haven’t lost sleep yet. It’s very broken, but I’m still sleeping like 6-7 hours a night. I am on an antipsychotic so I’m wondering if it’s keeping me from feeling the full thing? It can’t still be the caffeine at this point. Can caffeine trigger mania? I normally don’t have a problem with caffeine. I have coffee just fine.