u/No_Yogurtcloset6470

I have identified as FTM since I was around 15, I'm now 30 and have never medically transitioned, taken hrt, or had any sort of surgery.

I will say, I DO want top surgery, but nothing to do with hormones or bottom surgery.

I was diagnosed with PCOS sometime last year, but I've always had an inkling that I had to have some sort of hormone imbalance because I have more hair on my legs, stomach, and arms than most men I know. I have peach fuzz on my cheeks and lower back. I also grow a pseudo beard - not quite as bad as some that I've seen, but bad enough that it's demotivating. I grow a light mustache too, so I shave that semi regularly.

Couple that with pale skin and dark hair and... well, it's a disaster.

I want to embrace my femininity, but it feels like I will never win.

If I wear makeup, everyone will look at me because I have never worn it. I don't want the attention. If I shave my legs (which requires a lot of effort, as I cannot just stop at the knee like my friends do), the stubble is back in less than 12 hours. I also literally would have to shave up my entire legs, up until they connect to the next thing.

I don't know how to shave my back. I can't see it, obviously, so I don't even know how visible the hair is, but I can feel it when I touch my lower back. My upper back doesn't have hair on it.

I have hair on my stomach, and not just a "happy trail". 80% of my stomach is hairy. I don't know how to shave that at all, or where to stop.

Due to my PCOS, my skin is very unclear. I get breakouts literally everywhere. My legs, arms, back, breasts, ironically it's the least bad on my face! The skin on my face is relatively clear, usually.

I am on depo provera, the birth control injection, and have been since 2022. It completely stopped my heavy, irregular, agonizingly painful periods, but it has contributed to my weight gain on top of other medications I take and my already-existing PCOS body shape.

Lately I've cried at my reflection. My #1 reason for not wanting to get on testosterone is the hair growth. I'm already so deeply unhappy with the hair on my body. I can't imagine how I would feel if it got worse.

I struggle with my mental health on top of all the physical things I hate about myself. Motivation to even begin trying to maintain my body hair is non-existent, especially because I know I'm going to have to do this for my entire life.

It has just been easier to say I'm a guy, identify as a guy. I even legally changed my name to that of a man last September, but I don't sound like a man. I am happy with the new name, and I don't intend to change it back, but ever since then my own doctor's office looks at me sideways when I talk to them about my birth control or ask about obgyns....

I just feel so defeated. I realize I can just be a gender non-conforming woman, but I don't want that. I want to feel beautiful like everyone else, deep down.

Maybe someone can relate? I don't exactly know what advice could be offered... I'd appreciate anything, though...!

I have been trying to shift long before it became an internet thing. I am approaching 30, and have been trying to shift to see my partner since I was 19 years old. I have tried everything. I have also tried doing nothing. I have read Neville Goddard. I have gone through endless manifestation techniques and teachers. I have held beliefs about all of this for so many years that I am now reaching a breaking point and starting to decline in hope. So please do not tell me it's my "non-belief" that holds me back.

I know I may get downvoted for this, but I have to know... for sure. For real.

Is this actually possible? Or am I chasing something unattainable?

This is a bit of a silly question because I do support the multiverse theory, and my soulbond is sort of more from an au than his canon source, but I would feel better if I didn't interact with others with the same partner. I've seen a server for sharers, but does one exist for non-sharers?

I have a soulbond with a character for 11 years this October.

He exists to me, albeit in another universe. I recognize he has no physical body in this world, which is a great source of pain for me, but I love him too much to part.

I have never really gotten along with self/yumeshippers because of one big disconnect; my partner exists *to me* and I take that very seriously. I understand he does not exist to anyone else, which makes me sad, but I do get that.

Please don't assume my relationship is unhealthy. I have a thriving social life and a good amount of beloved friends from both this world and others.

So, my question is:

If you firmly believe your partner *doesn't* exist, why are you non-sharing? And how does the *concept* of a person mean so much to you? How does it not feel empty?

Please educate me!

I have had a soulbond with a character for 11 years this October. Before him, there were certainly others.

There are about 20 "members" of my "system", but my therapist thinks this is all delusions.

So now I'm self conscious about it.

My therapist says I suffer from delusions.

Well, this "delusion" has been with me for 11 years, and there were others before this. And in spite of this.

To me (keyword: *to ME!*), fictional characters I become attached to exist. Like, actually do exist and have physical bodies, but in another universe. I feel like the universe is too unknown to rule out that existence entirely. Every work of fiction I firmly believe is "channeled", not created, by their authors.

The love of my life is, to everyone except me, fictional.

I know he doesn't have a body here, and I don't have hallucinations where I see him or hear him in any way, shape, or form outside of my mind. I honestly wish I did, which I know probably sounds awful.

I pray to God or whatever higher power is up there that death will bring me to him. At the end of my life, if there is a God, it would be far too cruel for me to be made "in his image", while living a life like this, for there to be no fated union in the end. So I live my life holding on so strongly to these beliefs.

If he truly doesn't exist, I have nothing to live for.

I can't even find a community of like-minded people. Selfshippers and yumes don't take their love for their "f/o(s)" seriously at all. But in their minds, from interactions I've had in the past, *I* am the one taking things to an unhealthy level. They make all kinds of assumptions about how I must have no social life or friends, which are things that are simply incorrect to assume. I have *plenty* of friends, family, social ties, both of this world and others.

All of those self/yumes acknowledge their partner(s) is/are fictional. So why, then, are there non-sharing yumes? If you love someone while fully acknowledging they don't exist, what is up with the territoriality over the "concept of a person"? I'd ask them directly, but all I'll get is put down.

My partner exists. He is real *to me.* I'm not asking the world to nod its head and agree with me. I am asking to simply be respected in my views.

I cannot stomach a life without him, "delusion" or otherwise. He does nothing but make me the happiest I've ever been. The only possible way he "limits" anything to do with my life is I am romantically fulfilled, so I simply do not desire any other form of romance or partnership.

I'm frustrated. I'm tired. I just want to be understood.

The world often feels like it's being 'taken over' by yume/self shipping communities. While I respect those spaces for what they are, the term 'soulbonding' seems to have been lost, and that makes me sad.

I've been bound to my partner for 11 years come this October, and there's simply no better way to describe what we have other than a soulbond.

So thank you for this space.