u/Odd_Fly_2669

I’ve never been diagnosed with NPD, or even considered struggling with it, but I was referred to this subreddit.

Over the last couple years, I've questioned whether I have avoidant attachment. I lose romantic interest in people awfully fast, and it's unexplainable. I go from being infatuated with them to being disgusted by the thought of them.

After researching avoidant attachment, I found it's common in children who dealt with emotional neglect at home. While my parents didn't say "I love you," which isn't typical in immigrant households like mine, they were still emotionally available. My mother especially, since I talked to her about my problems often, and still do with ease.

So avoidant attachment didn't make sense for me. Around the same time, I realized I liked a girl for the first time in my life. I attributed my lack of interest in the men I'd talked to before to being a closeted lesbian. Yet the same pattern happened with her: I lost feelings incredibly fast.

The second people, men or women, stop stimulating me, I lose interest and become disgusted by the idea of them.

About 2 weeks ago, I realized I was into girls after finally admitting that I liked my friend, let’s call her V. V is so special and makes me feel this spark that no guy was ever able to make me feel. We just came back from fall break, and she rarely texted me throughout the break which was upsetting, but I didn’t really mind— I had other things to worry about. But I know she doesn’t like me like that, and I know I can’t assume she likes girls because it’s very rare to find girls who like girls.

Today, I spoke to her after a while, but she didn’t seem as enthusiastic as she usually did. She was somewhat dry, and not talkative. After school, I usually go hang out in the same room as her and other people, but she was just distant and left early without waiting for me. She seemed kinda irritated that I called out for her to wait for me, and I just felt like a desperate loser.

I’m not the type to chase someone, especially if they make it clear they don’t like me like that. I’ve especially seen this with guys I would talk to in the past (I’d ghost them with no hesitation). But I feel so alive talking to V—like my heart is rapidly beating just thinking about it. I don’t know how to stop this. I’m so sick of this feeling.

I think about her all day and night, and seeing her today at school just made it infinitely worse.

I know it sounds absolutely absurd to be sobbing at a satirical, playful lesbian movie with a happy ending. But I just felt so incredibly understood. I, too, would stare at women longer than needed, and be disgusted at the thought of kissing a guy, and be in denial of the possibility of being a homosexual.

When she said “I’m a homosexual” and started sobbing, it’s almost as if I saw the white, blond version of myself. I literally remember acting just like her (just without the drooling) when I realized I liked girls just a week prior.

The way she would look at Graham is exactly how I would look at the girl I liked before I knew I liked her. And when Graham said something along the lines of “you can’t control who you are, you can control whether you get caught being who you are,” I think it felt like I got stabbed with truth. Because yes, I feel shameful. I feel guilty for feeling this way about women. I feel like I would, and maybe should, be reprimanded for being who I am, because it’s so wrong. But it’s not, and this movie brought me to tears when I realized.

Perfection, absolute perfection.

I will say, I don’t appreciate how the movie depicted homosexuals as inherently sexual beings who are into every single member of their preferred sex.

I know that many people don’t actually get diagnosed with ADHD, and it’s not fair to make people assume they have it without the proper diagnosis. I’m wondering if there is a single ENTP person who has never questioned having ADHD.

In the last week, I’ve ended up discovering that I like women (I’m a girl). It was a difficult process, because I had a bit of internalized homophobia that I had to work out, but now I’m comfortable with the possibility of me being into women.

I came to this conclusion about myself because I started to have interesting feelings for a girl I started to get close to (let’s call her R). I found myself getting weirdly invested in her life, and jealous when she would bring up other women in a “romantic” way, even though it was likely a joke (she would jokingly call her other friends her “wife,” and things of that nature). I would get excited when she would post anything indicative of her being into women, and I honestly felt something with her that I have never felt with any male, ever.

I started having some doubts, though. After coming to acceptance, I decided to bring this up with some of my friends. First, they raised the possibility that I “haven’t found the right man yet.” This was fairly easy to eliminate, because first of all, what kind of objection is that. You could say the exact same for women. Second, I’ve interacted with men romantically for far longer than women, and have never felt anything slightly similar to what I feel with R.

Then, my friends asked if I could picture anything with other women, the same way I do with R, but I really can’t. It’s easier for me to imagine having a romantic connection with an imaginary man than an imaginary woman. But add R into the picture, and it’s significantly easier to picture something with her than anyone else, man or woman.

So I wonder, can I call myself a lesbian, or even bisexual, or even sapphic, if I can only find myself attracted to one woman?

For years, I’ve struggled to take a guy seriously or have any long term attraction to them. I would be infatuated with them, but the second it started to get real, my infatuation would turn into pure disgust. I just assumed this was avoidant attachment, but typically, avoidant attachment occurs in people with emotionally unavailable parents, which is the opposite of what my parents were.

Then, I decided that it was just my high standards. My ideal guy is super conventionally attractive, extremely intelligent (and can keep up with my intellectual curiosity), social, funny, and basically just perfect. My standards for guys are almost impossibly high, almost as if no one is meant to reach them. I mean, I’ve yet to meet a single guy who meets all of my standards to where I would stay interested in them after the initial attraction fades. I also realized that I am more attracted to guys that are somewhat feminine and submissive. I know this doesn’t necessarily mean anything, but it’s still something to consider.

This year, I got really close to a girl, fully platonically at first, and I’ve found myself getting weirdly invested in her life and jealous in some ways. One time she brushed off FaceTiming me because her “wife” asked her to FaceTime at the same time(a clear joke that every girl makes about their female friends), yet I still got weirdly jealous at her calling her friend her wife. When I stalked her reposts and found that some were captioned “…whole time I’m trying to hide from the lesbian allegations” and “shoutout to the girl who was my bi awakening”, I felt super (subconsciously) happy and fuzzy inside. I would get slightly anxious when she wouldn’t text me back fast enough and I would look for her icon under my stories every time I posted.

I’ve never been homophobic, but I’ll admit that I have had some internalized discomfort at the idea of being homosexual myself, which I know is a bad mindset, and something I’m actively working on. But since this discomfort definitely exists, I don’t want it to be the reason I’m not considering this possibility fairly.

pls

Basically, my friend is a really sweet girl from another school. She had a friend, N, who she was very close to. However, N switched up on her and confronted her with K, a girl my friend is not friends with. This may all sound petty, but after my friend lost all her friends, she had to start sitting alone in the bathroom stall and crying herself to sleep every night. On top of that, N started lying to others and making her lose all her friends to the point that she’s having very harmful thoughts. I am super worried for her but there is nothing I can do, and I’m feeling extremely angry toward N because she is a truly evil person. How can I get back at her from the outside?

Edit: I know it may seem weird that I’m getting so defensive on behalf of my friend, but considering that I am also in high school, I feel just as emotional about this. For background, this girl has made multiple comments toward me about my appearance and I know it stems from insecurity. She’s insecure about looks and extremely guy centered and I know I can play on that.