u/Ohhoneyimhome

I saw a triggering image and didn’t think much of it and tried to ignore it. I’m at the point where groinal responses are automatic, my therapist says it’s a conditioned response from repeated pairing of an undesirable stimulus with a generally s\*xual thought. Ex: ‘oh I saw something scary. I should check to make sure I don’t feel anything’

But this time, I was barely even thinking about it before I started to zone out and focus on the feeling I had. I wanted the picture to go away, but I didn’t even remember what the picture was at first, just that I wanted to put my phone down. But the feeling I felt felt physically good and like I wanted to continue it. I had only realized what I was doing a minute or so later, and began wondering if that’s actually what I was doing, and what that means etc.

I saw a triggering image and didn’t think much of it and tried to ignore it. I’m at the point where groinal responses are automatic, my therapist says it’s a conditioned response from repeated pairing of an undesirable stimulus with a generally s*xual thought. Ex: ‘oh I saw something scary. I should check to make sure I don’t feel anything’

But this time, I was barely even thinking about it before I started to zone out and focus on the feeling I had. I wanted the picture to go away, but I didn’t even remember what the picture was at first, just that I wanted to put my phone down. But the feeling I felt felt physically good and like I wanted to continue it. I had only realized what I was doing a minute or so later, and began wondering if that’s actually what I was doing, and what that means etc.

First off, totally understandable if nobody wants to read this since I’m sure something like this gets posted every day. I’m writing it anyways, but please understand that I get what it’s like (sort of) to have people think you are obligated to explain yourself based on who you are. Also it’s pretty long.

So, this all started with the Israel and Palestine war. I was 14 years old in grade 9 and I had just heard about it. I was horrified, but didn’t actually know anything about what had happened. I didn’t know anything about Israel or Palestine. I remember looking up what stance I was supposed to take, asking around about what exactly was the correct opinion.

A few months pass and I decide that I’m for Palestine, or more accurately, for Palestinian civilians. But many very intense videos were coming up, and at the time, I would just believe anything I heard if it sounded convincing enough. I never really fact checked anything. Up until then, it seemed easy to be on the good side of things. It was easy for me to see the treatment of women in Iran and know that was terrible and that I needed to talk about it. It was easy for me to see the blm protests and know that it was for a good cause. It was easy for me to understand that what Russia was doing to Ukraine was wrong. I was young and everything just seemed extremely simple to me, so once I started being told stories that (from what I can tell) were never verified, I just believed them.

I never held the belief that Israel shouldn’t exist, or at least I don’t remember holding that belief. I remember saying I didn’t like what was happening or how Palestinians were being treated, but I always understood the need for a Jewish state. I didn’t know much about Judaism, but it didn’t take a genius to realize that Jewish people needed a place to be safe if so much of the world is unsafe.

At the time, I didn’t even know the history of Israel or Palestine, I didn’t know any Jewish people in my immediate life, I didn’t know that only one Jewish state existed in the world, and I had no idea what people meant when they would say things like ‘isnotreal’. But I also didn’t pay attention to that. If I saw a statement I agreed with or was curious about and then saw something like ‘my grandma is older than Israel’ I wouldn’t pay any mind to it because I really didn’t even know what it meant. I didn’t think the age of a state or country mattered so much and didn’t find it that important. I found people in trouble important, so I never really even took a second glance at statements like that.

After reading a few arguments about whether or not Israel was ‘supposed to exist’ I was scared by how complex it seemed to be, and decided to not say anything for awhile. Then I came across a bunch of posts saying that silence = complacency, and I was familiar with the rhetoric. I had a thought process like ‘I don’t actually know anything politically about what is happening, but human lives aren’t political, so I should just do what I can to help people.’ But I still had the fatal flaw of believing that I would just ‘leave it to the academic sounding people’ to tell me things, since I didn’t even know where to start.

I’ve also begun reading about the 3ds just recently.

I would repost videos of issues all over the world, for years since I was probably about 10 or 11. For the longest time, my biggest concerns were of Iranian women’s safety, Guatemala, and Congo. I wouldn’t really LOOK for them, but if they would come up on my feed, I would spread them around without really thinking about it. Over time I would see more and more specifically Palestinian posts. Before I knew it, almost every post I was reposting was about Palestine. Almost nothing for any other causes. And I realize that too, that many other countries do not get the same coverage.

I was pretty easily emotionally swayed, and I would repost tons of cartoons/statements that were not really fact checked and were very emotionally charged. I would hear about and sometimes accidentally see horrible gorey pictures, and since I had already seen that, I had decided that anything else anyone said was ‘probably true’. I was very obsessed with trying to fit this into my black and white, good Vs bad kind of thinking.

And today, when I was going through old likes on an old repost, I found a post I liked that was sympathizing with Hamas. Saying that because of the circumstances people grew up in, Thats what made them hamas and that somehow justifies things. It was a few years old, and when I checked the date it was from when I was 14 or so, so I at least didn’t actually understand what I was parroting. I wouldn’t be able to ever forgive myself if I said something like that in full understanding of it.

At the moment, I hold that belief that for any population or individual in any form of crisis (poverty, lack of education, food insecurity, mental illness, just overall bad circumstances) is prone to propaganda and extremism, especially since education is the only defence against propaganda, and that even educated people can be propagandized. And also because these ideologies often times prey on young people, tell them lies, and twist their fear or insecurity into hatred and violence. We had learned in class that propaganda is subtle and that it can influence anyone. But I don’t believe that anything could ever justify the action, the torture and slaughter. It’s horrific. And if I had actually read what Hamas had done that day, I don’t think I would have ever payed a second glance to that post.

I know that throughout this whole thing, my actual goal/want was for innocent people to be safe. But I was grossly trusting in every single source so long as it was the first source I got it from and if they delivered the information to me convincingly. The truth is, I really don’t know what to believe. Everyone is accusing everyone else of lying.

I also began worrying that I was an antisemite from the start, and would avoid Jewish media because I thought I was doing something wrong/ stealing culture by enjoying Jewish media and that I didn’t deserve to consume it because I was bad.

Over time because of my constant exposure to really graphic stories, I started associating the name ‘Israel’ with violence, and would get anxious if I heard anything of it because I would expect a really horrible report. Logically, I was able to separate ‘Israeli citizen’ from ‘Israeli government’s choices’ because I obviously understand that someone’s nationality doesn’t actually mean anything except for where they are from. But I would still get anxious or worried. I would be skeptical reading articles just based on the word ‘Israel’ or ‘Jewish’ in them, because a part of me would worry that it would equate to supporting the actions of the Israeli government when I didn’t extend the same skepticism to Palestinian articles. Which is a double standard.

I was able to recognize that my worry of any Jewish news sources being biased was stupid and a double standard, so I would continue to read them, but in the back of my head I would still expect there to be something. And a lot of the times there were, but the issue was, I had a skewed perception of what I was actually looking for. Because when I would hear terms like ‘supporting Israel’ I would assume it meant ‘supporting the current crisis’ or something of the like, when really it just means supporting Israel’s right to exist. Which I never disagreed on. I do believe there needs to be a place for Jewish people to actually feel safe and amongst themselves. But I did have double standards, and I was biased.

Truthfully, I come from an extremely undiverse, rural place, I don’t know any Jewish people, I don’t know much of Jewish history. I didn’t even know any Jewish stereotypes up until there was a lot of media coverage. It was easy for me to say ‘theres no way I’m an anti-Semite’ because I had no idea what an anti-Semite looked like

I care primarily just about the innocent people caught in this, on both sides all over the world. The attack that happened last year in Australia was terrifying, and it doesn’t take a genius to realize that people are using tragedy as a justification for violence against Jewish people. But I’m not going to pretend like I actually know what I’m doing anymore.

Back then, I didn’t even know what happened on October 7th. I just saw that the death toll in Palestine was higher and decided that was my priority. I didn’t take time to show compassion towards any innocent people lost that day, and would even grow annoyed when people would bring it up because in my mind, I thought people were using it as a justification to hurt more people. And I don’t think hurting innocent people is okay. I even had the thought that I believed it was hypocritical, because I saw that the death toll was higher on one side, to even care about the other side. Because I thought that meant that people didn’t care about Palestinian civilians the same way. But I was doing the exact same thing by not caring about or talking about Israeli civilians.

I just turned 17 this week, and I’m hoping to do better. I donated to help protect some synagogues and to help feed some Palestinian families. And I’ve decided to make sure to think more critically. But I don’t actually know what to think anymore or what I’m supposed to believe or do. I’m having doubts about everything, but I really just want to do what is right and what helps the most people. And I’m really sorry and I really want to do better in any way I can.

I’m not sure if it’s relevant, but I’m a woman. I guess it sort of is since women’s clothes are usually tighter or shorter than men’s.

One time I went out swimming and I wore a pair of women’s briefs that were made out of swimsuit-like material and a cropped T shirt. I don’t like how bikinis or anything fit on me. Technically what I did shows less skin, but it is also underwear. According to my mom, it didn’t look like underwear since it didn’t have visible seams or anything. Is it wrong or indecent?

Also one time at my mom’s apartment, which houses a lot of people but hardly anyone goes outside on our side for some reason, I walked outside wearing boxers (the loose kind) and a shirt without realizing because I was kind of freaking out over something and needed some fresh air because I felt like I was going to pass out. Then I walked back inside to put pants on once I realized. I’m just wondering if this is public indecency and if I should be ashamed or if it’s illegal.

I’m pretty sure I year ago I used to walk outside onto the driveway to grab stuff from the car or just to quickly get some fresh air (at my dads house, which hardly ever has anyone walking by) wearing boxers and a shirt all the time, and at the time I figured it was fine because I was covered and the boxers were looser and more covering than normal shorts.

My parents never say anything about it and I’m pretty sure they think it’s normal, since my dad does that all the time, but I don’t know if they’re wrong or not.

I don’t want to be covered in blood and my period is coming up and it’s unavoidable. People and myself obviously think blood is gross, and I’m so ashamed about it. I’ve heard people liken it to being covered in shit or vomit. I feel so grossed out, I don’t want to have it. I don’t know what to do. It’s already starting and I need to go somewhere this week.

Edit: I’m not trolling, I’m trying to work through things that I heard that made me feel insecure about myself. I wanted to go to other women for reassurance. I didn’t want to go to vent because I didn’t want to hear from guys. I get now that the things I feel or think about are too disturbing to talk about with other people.

I’m looking into veganism and vegetarianism for ethical reasons, but tell me why comments like ‘the reason natives were genocided wasn’t because of racism or ideology, it was actually just entirely because the colonizers were meat eaters and wanted more land’— which I’m sure is a contribution, but tell me why they used the word ‘ENTIRELY’ Like, you’re telling me the reason they started taking away kids and converting them to Christianity was NOT because they hated natives? —and ‘where I’m from, all the natives eat meat and only buy liquor from the store’ or ‘jeez why is everyone suddenly native?’ ‘Indigenous tribes practices are immoral anyways, hunting is the same morally as female genital mutilation.’ ‘The way I as someone who is not indigenous understands indigenous culture is—‘ (which isnt inherently bad, I think people can have opinions on things they aren’t a part of) Are all throughout.

These comments will have upvotes, nobody seems to see any issue with it etc. Like guys, veganism isn’t racist and we know that. Can we please not create a bad name for it? I’ll call myself a vegetarian even if one day I really do become an actual vegan, because I do not want to be associated with people who genuinely think my cousin across the street who feeds his family (doesn’t sell anything because it’s for him and his family) is the same as someone permanently disfiguring a girl??

Like genuinely it is not a place for me, and I’m aware of that. A lot of the people were so nice and showed me a lot of support, but when my culture comes up suddenly we’re just as bad as the people who were out there kidnapping kids.