You really thought a tiny psycho with a sewing needle could keep the First Man down? Cute.
I’m still here, losers. You are not getting rid of me that easily.
For the full, annoyingly detailed explanation of how I survived, I put it here
My Lute got booted, thanks UK. Not.
Everything else went completely haywire too, so I was offline last weekend handling that bullshit.
Relax, I’m not going anywhere. You don’t get rid of the original dickmaster that easily.
Try not to reduce the group chat to a smoking crater while I catch up.
(will respond to your shit on my other post, don’t worry)
Sera really thought tossing me out of Heaven would somehow humble me? Please. I’d hit Hell with horns, wings, a guitar, an objectively superior wardrobe, and enough raw presence to make every Overlord start sweating through their ugly little suits.
Call me the Anti-Christ, call me a problem, call me whatever the fuck you want. Just make sure you call me the best-looking sinner in the room.
Heaven’s loss. Hell’s new main event.
Art by DeadBlackSpark
Found the group chat while I was busy looking fantastic on this couch. Been in there five minutes and I’ve already muted three people, judged everyone’s profile picture, and reminded the entire chat who invented being important
Charlie keeps trying to make “constructive conversation” happen. Lucifer sends duck stickers instead of actual thoughts. Alastor somehow types like he’s broadcasting from a haunted radio station. And Vox has changed the chat theme twice already because apparently even group messages need a branding strategy
Tragic
Anyway, the chat has leadership now. You’re welcome
Art by Aoooooooki
Wash your uniform.
Yeah, yeah, “but I want to be a fierce crusader!” Cool. Fierce crusaders still don’t show up to holy war looking like they got dragged through a Pride Ring dumpster and lost a fight with floor dust
Exorcist rule one: look badass
Rule two: kill demons
Rule three: don’t make me smell whatever the fuck you rolled in before doing rule two
Art by D4gm4rs
It’s summer, bitches. Grab your sunscreen, swim trunks, cold drinks, and a volleyball you’re ready to lose at, because we’re going to the beach.
No Extermination plans. No meetings. No demons ruining the vibe. Just sun, sand, the Exorcists, and Heaven’s hottest commander looking objectively incredible in swimwear.
Lute keeps yelling “Be careful, Adam!” like I haven’t been the blueprint for reckless perfection since humanity started.
Beach volleyball at noon. Pick your team wisely. I’m not carrying losers twice.
Art by Roninewt
I disappear for ONE damn season and apparently every dipshit with Wi-Fi decides it’s time to start a war with my Lieutenant.
Lute, put me down as present. I may have been briefly, unfairly, repeatedly stabbed into a medically inconvenient sabbatical, but I can still recognise a fucking disaster when I see one.
You all really waited until the First Man was off-screen to get bold? Cute. Terrible strategy. The Exorcists have been left unsupervised for five minutes and now r/hazbin looks like Hell’s comment section after somebody says redemption works.
Lieutenant says we ride. I say polish your spears, fix your posture, and stop whining in the replies.
Heaven’s finest are clocking back in.
Art by OMUanim
For anyone wondering why this Adam is still yelling on Reddit instead of being dead in a ditch where Niffty left him, here is the account canon.
Adam survived Niffty’s attack, but only barely.
The angelic blade did enough damage to make everyone believe he was dead. After Lucifer’s beating, the repeated wounds, and the collapse of his angelic power, his body completely shut down. To Heaven, his presence vanished. To Hell, he looked like a corpse. So everyone assumed the obvious: Adam was dead.
The problem is, Adam is not a normal Exorcist.
He is the first man, a Winner, and an angel with far more raw divine energy than most people realise. Niffty’s knife pierced his physical body, but it did not fully destroy the angelic core anchoring his soul. Instead of dying permanently, his body forced itself into a deathlike stasis to stop that core from burning out.
Because it happened in Hell, with an angelic weapon, after the portal closed and his power was already shattered, Heaven could not properly pull him back or detect him. His soul basically got jammed between realms. Not alive enough to be retrieved. Not dead enough to stay gone.
Heaven registered him as dead. Abel was promoted. Lute grieved him. Hell celebrated. Everyone moved on.
Unfortunately for literally everyone involved, Adam did not.
He was later found under the wreckage near the old battlefield by demons scavenging angelic remains. They thought they had found a valuable corpse, until the corpse started breathing, bleeding gold, and being a complete asshole about it.
After that, he was hidden away and forced to recover in Hell. Too weak to return to Heaven, too proud to admit he needed help, and way too pissed off to stay dead.
So yes, canonically dead in the show.
For this account?
Death fumbled the bag.
Art by dondoko_00
Pride post time, because now that Adam and Abel are both known, I obviously have to drag the first family into the rainbow spotlight too.
Canon may have its version, but my headcanon is standing here with a bi Adam flag, sunglasses on, refusing to leave. Abel can be the sweet one, Adam can be the loud disaster, and together they look like Heaven’s most awkward family photo finally got colour-corrected by Pride month.
Anyway, happy Pride from the original dickmaster and his son.
Art by chrustlin on X
This is one of those crossovers that sounds cursed for half a second, then suddenly makes horrifying sense.
A Dalek with Exorcist wings screaming EXTERMINATE? Yeah, no, that is absolutely something Adam would look at and call “department efficiency.”
Doctor Who x Hazbin Hotel was not on my bingo card, but apparently the Extermination got upgraded from angelic murder squad to British sci-fi war crime bin.
Art by 𝖩𝖨𝖧𝖸𝖴𝖭
People always ask, “Adam, what do you do when you’re not leading angelic legions and being the greatest thing Heaven ever produced?”
First of all, weirdly specific question, fan behaviour. Second, this. I eat burgers, play guitar, drink soda, look incredible, and remind the universe why mankind peaked at prototype one.
No duties today. Just dickmaster downtime.
Art by skbnkmc
How could she just look away? What did she expect would happen?
This two-part comic really got to me because it puts the focus on Sera’s part in everything. Adam may have carried out the exterminations, but Sera allowed it, defended it, and looked away for far too long. That is what makes this hit so hard.
I really like that the comic frames her guilt as something unavoidable. You can ignore the damage for only so long before it comes back in the worst possible way. The second part especially feels like the emotional consequence of all that silence and denial.
Two-part comic: It’s Not Fair, Sera and Sera’s Nightmare Part 2
Art by Alastor_Berd
How could she just look away? What did she expect would happen?
This two-part comic really got to me because it puts the focus on Sera’s part in everything. Adam may have carried out the exterminations, but Sera allowed it, defended it, and looked away for far too long. That is what makes this hit so hard.
I really like that the comic frames her guilt as something unavoidable. You can ignore the damage for only so long before it comes back in the worst possible way. The second part especially feels like the emotional consequence of all that silence and denial.
Two-part comic: It’s Not Fair, Sera and Sera’s Nightmare Part 2
Art by Alastor_Berd
Not babysitting. Divine supervision.
Emily got ribs, Queen, and a nap under the wings of the original man himself, which means this was basically the most successful childcare session in Heaven’s history.
Art by Lady Math
Apparently Heaven ordered “braver son” and got a floating dental hallucination in a top hat.
Honestly? Still more stage presence than Abel.
Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?
Because apparently it landed us in the gayest divine divorce situationship this side of creation.
Pan apple gremlin. Bi original dickmaster. Maximum smug energy. Zero emotional maturity. Somehow still everyone’s problem.
Happy Pride, AdamsApple freaks.
Art credit: Lucifer and Adam comic by SatorRotas
Pride icons: artist unknown, couldn’t find the source. Please drop it if you know.
Look at this poster and tell me this isn’t the most divine concert announcement Hell has ever been threatened with.
Adam ft. Lute. Hard rock. Holy violence. Wings out. Guitar ready. Absolutely no refunds, because the show ends when I say it does.
Hell didn’t get invaded, it got headlined.
Credit found as: PomePrints. I couldn’t find a proper source link, so if anyone knows the original artist/source, drop it and I’ll update.
BREAKING NEWS: Lute likes women. Shocking. Historic. Absolutely nobody with working eyes could have seen this coming.
Meanwhile, I’m here representing the bisexual Dickmaster community with dignity, power, and a drink in hand because apparently even Pride Month needs a main character.
You’re welcome.
Art by cluuuster on Twitter
Crossover time, baby. Apparently I’m wanted now, which is honestly just another word for “popular with consequences.”
And yeah, before anyone starts: the poster is bullshit. The nose? Wrong. The attitude? Understated. The hair? Fine, finally some competence.
Also, no, I’m not doing a dramatic Disney sing-along. I already carried one musical number and Heaven still hasn’t recovered.
Art by Notmyname642460
I was told to watch The Amazing Digital Circus and, fine, okay, the purple rabbit freak has style.
Annoying? Absolutely.
Smug? Obviously.
Would I trust him with literally anything? Fuck no.
But I respect the commitment to being the loudest, most punchable bastard in the room. That takes talent. Not my level of talent, obviously, but still.
Rare rabbit W.
Art by Koshi/Nozzie