u/Particular-League186

And I’m not sure what to do anymore … it’s almost like my brain has become this negative goo .. that doesn’t have any hope anymore
I dunno what to do - any advice

34-F was looking into pickle ball and even the dating one seemed cool but not sure if I’m “too old” and just for 20 year olds

Is it more-so just for people in their 20s? I even wanted to try the pickle ball dating but feel like I’m “too old” for it ?

I want to get over it. Be done. Move on with my life. It’s tough living in the place where the trauma happened with who caused the trauma. But I want to stop fixating on it. I want to move on.

Said they were proud of me … Ava that they’re emotionally immature. I can’t seem to stop thinking about it ..

Long story short I was triggered by how my parents were very affectionate towards a wild bunny not making it after a hawk attack.

I told them I wish they were affectionate towards me instead when I opened up to them about having suicidal thoughts. I opened up months ago to them, and they responded by saying they had tougher lives and never felt that way.

So when I said I wished for them to be affectionate to me when I told them months ago which was also the last time I mentioned it, she said she was going to call a hotline on me.

I felt threatened by her response honestly. I told her my therapist knew since day 1. I’m in shock in how she acted. Felt like she used something against me.

I almost feel like therapy has been worse for my childhood trauma. I was able to tolerate my parents much more before I started therapy now I feel impulsive when it comes to opening up to them even though I know they can’t give me the responses that I need.

Tonight they saw a hawk kill a bunny that’s been an our yard.. after seeing them pick up the bunny and being sad about it and burying it. I impulsively said oh I wish you acted like this when I was a kid more affectionate and gave me more hugs. I also said I wish you acted more empathetic when I opened up to you guys about my suicidal thoughts.

My mom‘s response was “ You didn’t get attacked by a hawk.” and then said if you keep talking about suicide, I’m going to call a hotline on you.

I then felt threatened and said I don’t appreciate you threatening me by calling a hotline and also my therapist knew from the first session that I was.

I’ve been in therapy for about seven months and sometimes I feel like it helps sometimes I feel like it makes it worse.

Because I have a masters in teaching and can’t
Find a job

I’m not sure why I’m in therapy … I probably sound like a record playing saying the same things.

I’m 34 and I’ve had the same problems forever. My parents aren’t connected to me emotionally. I don’t want to date anyone because I never liked my dad and feel like every guy is going to disappoint me like he did.
I want to be more social but won’t actually do anything about it.

I’m very self aware and it is what it is at this point in my life. I’m just not sure when I became so bitter about it. I should just accept this is who I am and this is my life.

(34F)
It’s been about 5 weeks since I started going back to the gym since pre-covid … so it’s been years… and I realized during this week that I don’t think about life when I’m there.

I don’t think about my problems, my to-do lists and even my trauma. I don’t think about the fact that I think I’m a complete failure of an adult. I don’t think about the fact that I’m a failure for still living with my parents, the fact they caused a lot of trauma, the fact I should be further along in my life, the fact that I’m single, no kids etc. the fact that I feel like a loser.

When I’m in the gym I don’t feel like a loser. I feel like it’s my happy place where I can go and my problems disappear.

I started therapy 7 months ago and feel like the most sessions revolved around my childhood trauma. Some days I feel over it .. but lately I’m not over it .. I’m upset .. I don’t like my parents because of it .. there’s a lot of grief and anger and sadness revolved around it. I’m tired of feeling sad about it and want to get over it but it seems impossible … I don’t know if I’m fixated on it or what .. but I’m getting tired of getting triggered from seeing healthy parent/child relationships

After this week and last weeks sessions I just cried after and couldn’t do anything else but cry

That song makes me cry when I’m lonely because it’s exactly how I feel so I’m currently listening to it as I cry

Like it’s been hard lately to bring myself to the gym and work out …. I just want to sit on the couch and sleep even though I did yesterday after work and slept in today

And then after I read them I’m all worked up

I’m becoming more self aware and started therapy 6 months ago .. and I realized that my parents never helped me in life. They never asked me what I wanted to be or pushed me to achieve anything, etc. but at the same time I don’t know what’s normal because I truly don’t know.

I never remember my parents talking to me about life in general. They never asked how school was going or when I graduated high school they never asked what college I wanted to go to or what I wanted to major in. They never pushed me to step outside my comfort zone or to try new things.

Now as an adult, 34, I’m graduating with my masters and they don’t even seem to care. I’m trying to switch jobs and find a new one but they never ask about it even though I told them I was.

I guess I don’t know what’s Normal and what’s not .. so maybe this is typical normal parent behavior ?

So I have childhood trauma and I’m 34. Looking back at my life in college and in my 20s .. man would I have done things differently if I just went to therapy earlier in life … I feel like my whole life would have turned out differently if I tried to work on the trauma earlier … maybe I would’ve been more

Confident in myself which would have led to getting a better job, moving out, meeting new people … I feel as though it’s too late for me .. and I’m stuck in a career, go through depressive episodes and still live at home

… i unfortunately never liked my life and don’t think I ever will