u/Potential-Party65

I wanted to share what I just learned about myself because I cannot believe it is that simple and also makes me embarrassed but I prefer to face it and work on it than let it land me in another personality disorder relationship.

I dated a NPD and my last relationship was with the pwBPD. I saw the pattern, 2 cannot be pure chance.

We started to explore with my new therapist a bit of it. I knew after learning about personality disorders that my mother has many traits. Also after reading so much about abuse in here and other subs, I realized I had to admit that I was indeed abused as a kid. I used to brushed it off but if people are in shock when I talk about my experiences then it must be bad.

So the why is validation. I need it so badly from women. I even loose interest in a women if she doesn’t openly validate me.
When those with personality disorders over validate you at the idealization phase I was an easy prey, no matter how off it was and how much I knew it. I needed that validation more than my rational part could weight on it.

When they devalued me which they both did, I felt like I was worth nothing and life had no meaning.

All the validation I needed from my mother I got from them and then they took it away just like my mother did my whole childhood.

I stay and kept fighting to get more of that and get their love which was also conditional.

I know it reads super basic and I have read about devaluation and validation many times but one conversation with my new therapist somehow unlocked it in me.

I knew we shouldn’t seek external validation but now that I can see how much I needed that I realize how little of it I have internally and how much I needed from women.

If you are reading this post because you also don’t understand why you fall for pwPD and you have a mother that love you conditionally and was your worse bully an critic and punish you for it then maybe you landed in the same boat as me.

The conversation with my therapist started because I figured out on my own that what took my will to live was my ex devaluing me, making me feel I was nothing.
She asked me a couple of questions and it came out how I grew up feeling like I was worth nothing if I didn’t comply with what my mother wanted of me, I was not worth love or attention or care. She explained me how experiments have proven that babies dies without love and care even when they are fed and clean and warm.

I know that as long as I depend on feeling valuable based on women opinion it’s easy for me to fall for this idealization extra validation. At least I know finally what I need to do to heal and where is the core of my issues.

I hope it helps others out there

I have a sort of friend that has been on and off, usually on her own terms.
We dated for some time but she insisted she didn’t want a relationship. Then I got in a very bad short one with a pwNPD and she was there the whole time supporting me all the time but that’s all she did. I tried to be friends, to know more about her and be there for her but she didn’t let me. After like a year we started dating again and this time she changed her mind and decided we could have a relationship.
For context she has been single for 5 years and says relationships are her kriptonite.
The first week we were officially together she freaked out. I couldn’t recognize her, she didn’t make sense when she spoke, iI can’t describe it. She started to feel like she was not good enough and I was going to leave her any moment and after not even a month it was over. She said to never ever talk to her again. I told her I appreciated everything she did for me, that I lament the decision but I also never understood what happened.

A year after she run into me and my new girlfriend. My new girlfriend is now my ex girlfriend with BPD.

This friend decided that she wanted to be friends again. She always said she felt safe with me and my life was fun but she didn’t care about me, which I find confusing.

Eventually I started to learn about BPD to support my girlfriend and the more I learned and shared with my orher friend the more she freaked out.

Eventually she told me that everything I shared sounded like her, and that she thinks she has BPD.

Then she wrote angry at me because I made her feel that she has BPD but I didn’t even thought about it till she brought it up. I didn’t even made a comment. I just told her that if it would be the case I would be supportive. Since then she doesn’t speak to me.

The behavior that does confuse me is that she appears and disappears from my life. Shows a lot of interest and wants to reconnect and then tells me to get a life and block her and never contact her again.

I think the reason I am asking is because I do know a lot about BPD now and I want to help her because she helped me a lot in the past. In some cases healed me from bad experiences and I don’t want her to feel unlovable if she does have BPD.

I know is mot my problem but I just feel bad

advice on the final meeting with my ex pw BPD

Hi guys,

My ex and I didn’t end in the best terms but also not in the worst ones. By ending the relationship I did trigger her feeling that she was undesirable and difficult and for me, well I was an absolute wreck because I really loved her with all my heart which is how I discovered this sub because I wanted to understand the disorder in all its complexity.

It has been a bunch of months now. I am doing pretty good and she seems pretty well as well.

We are meeting because she owes me money and I am taking my furniture back, which so far she seems to be fine with.

I am not 100% sure she is fine, I just want to make sure out encounter goes well but I don’t know which topics to avoid or what to do so I don’t trigger her feeling that she is the problem.

I really wish her the best and I do hope she is doing therapy so she can reach remission and have peace in her life.

My worry is that being away from a relationship seems to have helped a lot so I don’t want to be a reminder of that and trigger her. I want her to continue healing and I also want that for myself.

Anyone had to meet your ex after being separated and has any experience or advice on how to make it work as pleasant as possible?

Hi guys,

I am asking for advice here because you are honestly the best subreddit when it come to BPD, you keep it real, reflecting and to some extent encouraging towards remission.

My ex and I didn’t end in the best terms but also not in the worst ones. By ending the relationship I did trigger her feeling that she was undesirable and difficult and for me, well I was an absolute wreck because I really loved her with all my heart which is how I discovered this sub because I wanted to understand the disorder in all its complexity.

It has been a bunch of months now. I am doing pretty good and she seems pretty well as well.

We are meeting because she owes me money and I am taking my furniture back, which so far she seems to be fine with.

I am not 100% sure she is fine, I just want to make sure out encounter goes well but I don’t know which topics to avoid or what to do so I don’t trigger her feeling that she is the problem.

I really wish her the best and I do hope she is doing therapy so she can reach remission and have peace in her life.

My worry is that being away from a relationship seems to have helped a lot so I don’t want to be a reminder of that and trigger her. I want her to continue healing and I also want that for myself.

Anyone had to meet your ex after being separated and has any experience or advice on how to make it work as pleasant as possible?

Hey guys,

I don’t know what’s up with me but I realized that there’s is kind of like a typical look within the lesbian community, heck I might even have that look and somehow I am into straight women, always the ones that I feel attracted to are the straight ones. I guess I am f***ed.

My last two girlfriends were straight before they met me. I didn’t turned them, that’s BS but they looked pretty straight I would say.

I am also not into over the top femmes with long nails and heavy make up but I can’t help myself.

I guess I am doomed. Anyone can relate?

You guys are a great community and I often learn so much from what you shared, and it has helped me a lot so I hope it’s ok to ask this here.

My relationship ended half a year ago, I was madly in love but I didn’t understood BPD well enough to be the right partner and she didn’t want to do therapy so it was too hard to keep a healthy relationship running.

I have recovered from the broken heart by now, I have no negative feelings towards her, I understand why things happened and I truly wish her to find peace and happiness.

Nevertheless the memories of what it was and how I felt are still there.

We decided to wait this long to separate assets mainly because of me. I couldn’t afford to see her, I was too in love and I couldn’t stop myself from wanting her back even though we were not good for each other and she anyway didn’t wanted me back. In that sense she has been patient with my needs, and at the same time keeping my furniture and my money was in a way an advantage for her because she didn’t have to buy stuff for herself for all this time.

I suggested to meet online to talk about the assets separation, so we could keep the distance or in a public place but she insists that we meet at our former apartment where she now lives on her own and she doesn’t want any other person to be present.

I cannot trust myself next to her. I am terrified to go into that apartment and see her being all nice or not, looking gorgeous and that I will have to start from zero again forgetting her.
She has no feelings for me, she made it very clear and I have none for her as long as I don’t see her or interact with her but she has this thing about her that is so hard for me to resist and I simply cannot trust my heart.

I don’t want to meet her alone, I don’t want to be rude, I don’t know what to do. My furniture is there and I need it but she is adamant that if we don’t meet in her terms in her place then we won’t meet at all.

I don’t know why we cannot meet outside of her place or online so I can make sure I don’t do something stupid.

I just want to act properly and protect myself. I don’t want to fall in love again with someone that really doesn’t want me.

A bit before the break up she split on me and she tried to fight it, I could tell, but she couldn’t force herself to like me again and after the break up she sees me completely black now. In her eyes I am a complete unworthy evil person, I promise you, I am not, but I can’t change how she perceives me, that much I know.

Interacting with her is already hard because I can feel how much she dislikes me and even if I don’t have feelings for her it still hurts when someone makes sure you know how much they dislike you.

What would you advice in this situation. She has been diagnosed with BPD, I am often wondering if I also have it because I can relate way to much with what you guys share and I was hoping someone might have been through a similar experience and knows what’s the best way to approach it.

Thanks in advance

We broke up in January, my ex partner decided to not acknowledge anymore her BPD diagnosis and not do therapy. Our relationship was already in bad shape due to the constant ups and downs and splits and I had no mental strength left in me to keep it up for both of us.

I literally feel better today that I did even before the relationship. I put so much effort in healing and growth and also in understanding BPD because I needed to understand what that relationship was because I never experienced something like that before. Also because if it is a disorder I wanted to understand her and forgive her even though she never took accountability for what she did.

I am at the point where I don’t miss her, I have no more questions, I definitely do not ever want to go back to that relationship.

The thing is, I still need to go get my stuff back and my money. She could simply give them to me but she wants to meet in person to do that. I suggested video call or call, but for her it needs to be in person. I suggest to bring a trusted friend of both along, she got quite angry and with her aggressive tone, at least in writing. She cannot call me.

My fear is that, despite all of this, I will see her and still think she is the most beautiful woman in the world. She is arguably beautiful maybe not the most beautiful but unfortunately exactly my type. I so wish she wouldn’t.

I am not just afraid, I am terrified. It took me so much work on myself to get where I am, I don’t want to go back. Since she has my stuffs and I really care for them she keeps using them to manipulate me to negotiate on her terms. She has leverage, I have none.
I wish I wouldn’t care about my stuff but I do.

How can I simply take them back without having to meet her alone.

It is worthy to note that she has completely split on me. I am nothing to her, less than nothing. She doesn’t even wish me the worse because to her I am simply nothing.
I know nevertheless because I am nothing she doesn’t care about hurting me. She will do and say what she needs to get her way. So if that means making me feel that she wants me back, she might, but not because she does.

Maybe is worth to say that she wasn’t like that always but since she splitted the last time she has an extreme lack of empathy towards me.

Ignoring taking my things back is not an option, so my request for advice is how would you convince her to meet online or bring someone along so I feel safe

Hi guys, this is an honest question because I honestly want to hear how you describe it.

From some subs, I have read about people saying they are very empathic and other telling the stories on how hard is for them to care about other specially when they feel like they have to protect themselves from abandonment or when they experience a split.

I know it is a spectrum and not everyone experiences it the same way.

This is my theory so please feel free to tell me if I am super off.
From what I read borderline brain organization is at the base of cluster b personality disorders which explains why there is an overlapping of traits in some cases with other disorders specially narcissism.
In my humble opinion, those that are closer to the spectrum of feeling no empathy are higher in narcissistic traits.

Of course I am no expert so I was wondering if you could share how can you tell that you are an emphatic person or that you lack empathy for others in your own experience.

Edit:
Thank you guys for all the comments already, they have been super helpful

Hi guys, this is an honest question because I honestly want to hear how you describe it.

From some subs, I have read about people saying they are very empathic and other telling the stories on how hard is for them to care about other specially when they feel like they have to protect themselves from abandonment or when they experience a split.

I know it is a spectrum and not everyone experiences it the same way.

This is my theory so please feel free to tell me if I am super off.
From what I read borderline brain organization is at the base of cluster b personality disorders which explains why there is an overlapping of traits in some cases with other disorders specially narcissism.
In my humble opinion, those that are closer to the spectrum of feeling no empathy are higher in narcissistic traits.

Of course I am no expert so I was wondering if you could share how can you tell that you are an emphatic person or that you lack empathy for others in your own experience.

Edit:
Thank you guys for all the comments already, they have been super helpful

I haven’t post here in a while but I figure maybe this helps others.

One thing I noticed from the beginning of this journey was that I needed to work on myself. Those that ended up in a relationship with a person with a personality disorder and chose to only see their abuse and not what we need to work on ourselves seem to be stuck.

I have seen people here that are still thinking about their ex 2 years later and cannot date anyone else or relationships are ruined for them. I was scared at first reading such post because I was really a shadow of a person when I finally ended it and in that state it wouldn’t surprise me to never get better.

I am here almost 7 months later and I am thriving. I haven’t been this well in so long, even before the relationship. Touching rock bottom did that.

The thing is that I work a lot on myself, I never stopped and I had really bad moments, I didn’t think at some moments I would survive or that there was a point but here I am and I don’t even recognize that person from a few months ago.

Thanks to being well I can even understand better a lot of what has been happening, and this is why I am writing today.

I have met 2 more people with a personality disorder since I ended things with my ex and in both cases I had a hard time rejecting them. I have dated people and been rejected myself by three people that I actually liked and that was hard. Thanks to this 5 experience something became quite clear to me. I give people too many opportunities, to show that they are good, I put too much effort in not judging for their actions, I always say, I might be misinterpreting something, give them the benefit of the doubt, etc.

On the surface I thought it was because I was kind and fair and used to live in other cultures so I didn’t want my own biased to determine other people.

I noticed now that it is not about them but my own issues. I am still kind and fair but I had this almost compulsion to give them a second chance even though my gut was telling they were wrong. My friends reminded me that even if they are not wrong if it doesn’t sit well with me I shouldn’t try further.

What I noticed is that I grew up being judged and misunderstood and accused of being someone I was not. That was due to my neurodiversity and my mother’s own mental issues. I need people to see the real me and accept me for who I am. I need to feel truly seen, it is a inner child injury. I need to be liked. If someone doesn’t like me for doing something wrong it is easier to accept than for being who I am or for what they think I am and I will still have a compulsion to repair the mistake I made to be liked.

When I meet someone that has personality disorder traits I keep giving them chances to prove that they are good. That is me doing that for myself because I want people to give me a chance and to not judge me. I feel awful just ending things because, now I realize, I feel like I am always judge in unfair ways and I don’t want to do the same to them. So it is not about them, I am projecting my needs.

The second reason is that during the ideation, they make you feel seen and liked for who you are. Yes there were cognitive dissonances in which I would tell them, that they were describing someone else but I clearly ignored that because my need to be seen and liked was deeper and stronger.
It was too hard to get away from the feeling of finally being liked for who I am.

I don’t know if this applies to any of you but it took me months to figure this out even though it sounds so simple and now I can tell myself that and remind myself that I am liked and I don’t need it. I don’t know how it will develop in a few months but I hope I will keep being aware of this till I feel whole internally and I don’t need such external validation.

I hope this helps anyone wondering how did they end up here and why they keep letting toxic people in

I recently met a person that is going through the process of getting a BPD diagnose. Since I know by now 2 people with BPD, I am familiar with the traits.

This person is sweet and super fun to be with but we are not compatible so I don’t really want to continue dating her.

She seems to be a bit unstable lately and I am worried that whatever I say can trigger her in a negative way specially when she is getting the diagnosis which is a big deal.

Whether she will get the diagnosis or not or it is something else still she is quite unstable right now and I just don’t want to hurt her.

Being let down is always hard, it is in a way a rejection, that is BPD or not. I just want to make sure that whoever I put it is not going to trigger her in case she does have BPD.

Even if I don’t want to date her, she seems to be a kind person and I don’t wish her any harm

Hello everyone,

my ex partner had BPD and we ended the relationship since 6 months already and now that we feel better I propose we could finally sit down and separate things.

The problem is that she associates me with someone toxic that lies and tricks her. I hope you believe me when I said that I am not that person. I know she needs to see me like that and that the moment I broke up and made her feel abandoned I became a non-grata person. In that moment I went from being the person who regulated her and supported her to the person that is so toxic that hurts her.

I am not a saint at all, but definitely not toxic or evil and I did the best I could and when I couldn’t I ended it precisely because it was the healthier thing to do.

We want to separate the assets we shared but every time I try to do that she is clearly expecting the worse and interacts with me as if I were a horrible person so that would make it really hard to have a assets separation conversation.

Is there anything I can do so she doesn’t feel like that and we can end this chapter amicably.

As far as I understand neither wants to have a relationship with the other but I have no animosity towards her which is why even after the break up I kept learning about BPD.
She does though and I made my peace with her hate for me except for this last chapter in which her hating me is not really helpful.

Also I feel like it is not healthy for her to hold all these negative feelings, it sounds like she has not move on so what can I do to help with that. I want her to move on and be happy and at peace. To be clear I didn’t want to break up, I had to. I always just wanted the best for her.
Now I can’t really do much aside from hoping but I do want to avoid doing anything that makes it worse for her.

Hello guys,

I used to have a BPD partner we ended the relationship already since January but now we are finally separating the assets.

She sees me as a toxic person, honestly I am not but I know that is the only way she can deal with a break up, especially because I broke up and the moment that happened I became officially a toxic person for her.

I would like to make the assets separation as smooth as possible but whenever I reach out she hints that she expects that I don’t come up with lies and toxic attitudes and I know that if she already feels like that then it would hardly be an easy conversation given that separating assets is already a stressful conversation.

I am approaching here those that manage a good experience with someone with BPD and how you did it and those with BPD that might understand how she feels and how could I help make her feel at ease.

I really just want to be nice and friendly but I know that if I meet someone that is angry at me and keeps throwing jabs is hard to stay so nice and that is conducive to a bad interaction which I don’t want

I feel like I am constantly unaware of the behaviors I grew up with but I can’t pinpoint which ones are kind of common even though they are toxic and which ones don’t really happen out there just in NPD or BPD homes

I read in the past many post of people that were saying goodbye to the subreddit or coming back after a year or so, I didn’t imagine I would get there as well.

It was hard to imagine because for months this group helped me immensely and I needed to get out of the hole I was in.

I not only learn from many of you but I really had to confront my own issues and I also read a lot on psychologists subreddit as well. Without those there is no way I would have learn the depth of the disorder to finally help me understand.

For more than a week I noticed I don’t feel like I need it. I felt guilty because I wanted to help some of you that find yourself where I was a few months ago (6).

I went through the nervous system collapse, withdrawal, self growth, absolute NC, and many moments in which I thought I was over but I was not.
I went through really bad lows in which I didn’t saw a point in living and almost committed suicide. I still see that as a dream that didn’t happen because I can’t connect that person to the person writing today.

Nothing has really changed, my life is chaos still, I still don’t see my friends often enough but nevertheless I don’t feel like something is missing or sad about the future. I don’t miss her, I don’t hate her, I don’t think about her at all.

The only obstacles I see from our side to recover from this is not being able to go NC, either a divorce or kids. She owes me money and furniture but as far as I know I don’t have to talk to her anymore. That did it, that speed up the process.

It heals slowly like a very bad wound.

I needed to work on myself which I did at the beginning, then no contact and eventually it just stopped and I am free.

If I think of her all I feel is sorry about her disorder, I am guessing eventually when I need some of that money there will be anger but I mostly pity her.

I think I am going to be gone for a few months and I’ll check here and there in case someone needs support.

For those of you that just landed here and can’t even fandom breaking up, leaving or recovering from the pain, I am here to tell you that it happens. I am so over her. I wouldn’t say that confidently if I wouldn’t test myself. All the things that triggered me don’t trigger me anymore. She is just a pretty face somewhere in an archive. Like thinking of some pretty model that we have no romantic feelings about. No attachment left.

Work on yourself, go NC, take your agency and life back, really understand BPD from the BPD brain structure perspective and understanding personality disorder. Don’t try to understand it from your world view, you’ll only get stuck. Don’t try to get closure from them don’t look for simple easy answers. The disorder is so complex simple answers won’t do it and you’ll get stuck again.

I wish you all the best, see you around, and thank for literally saving my life, no exaggeration there. I really owe you my life and my sanity, is crazy that I am saying this to a group of strangers. I’ll be around trying to do the same for others but a lot less frequently.

I am referring to people with personality disorders. I have been dating and clearly I met 1 and 2 that could potentially be.
Their actions could be explained as anxious attachment and ADHD and I always wondered if it was fair to judge people for maybe making one or 2 mistakes that might look like a red flag but were actually misunderstandings. With my ADHD I do think that neurodivergent people might misread so if they don’t give me the benefit of the doubt I wouldn’t have a chance.

So I kind of do the same but then the risk is high that I might get hooked into another pwBPD or NPD.

What I notice really works is going slow. Just take your time. Don’t rush dates, don’t rush intimate moments or trips or conversations.

I have been dating and the 3 women that were unhealthy, PD or not completely revealed their res flags. If it’s a harmless Autistic or ADHD, if you give it time they won’t rush things, won’t lovebomb you the way pwPD do, don’t talk about the future that way, most importantly don’t make you feel like things are being rushed and that somehow you should be feeling bad for not rushing them or being were they are.

One wanted me to not date other women from week one, and asked me to see her often and wrote every day, then when I sort of accepted being more steady she got distant and ended things. I mean, stopped meeting me. She was clearly unstable, could be anxioa attached but still not healthy. I let her rush things.

The second asked me to join her on a trip 30 min into the conversation, was desperate to me me, her past history was sort of inconsistent and incomplete and then she dissapeared but from the first date I felt she needed to rush things and created a false intimacy and the typical false compliments.

Still I met those two while I was still learning. The third I noticed right away something different but it could definitely just be ADHD, that was till she started to try to meet desperately and take things intimately really fast. After I didn’t accept she showed who she was and went unhinged and told me she wouldn’t date me any more as if it was going too serious or something, after 2 dates 🤦🏻‍♀️.

In any case, move slow and cautious and they will show their red flag. So if you are like me and want to give people the benefit of the doubt then go slow, it seems to work consistently.

I have read tons of post about the hoover, people wanting a hoover others warning you about possible hoovers, etc. It comes again and again.

I have read from NPD and BPD accounts about hoovers and even asking them directly

Here is what I gathered so far. There is a 50/50 chance it will happen. It depends on the conditions for them in which the relationship ended and their type of BPD and comorbidity with NPD.

First, how it ended. If you ended it but somehow left a door open, and didn’t really hurt them based on their perspective they might hoover. It is important that the ego injury is not substantial or that they don’t feel like you have 100% abandoned them and they won’t ever believe you will stay. When they are convinced forever, that split will stay. If they somehow believe that you see them in a way that they don’t want to be perceived that split might also stay forever and you won’t see a hoover.

If they are convinced you hurt them, they will be convinced that you did that knowingly and therefore you are actually a bad person and that makes you all black and literally out of sight out of mind.
If they see something that reminds them of you they will remember what a horrible person you are, not like us that might think of the good moment we associate with that.

There won’t be a hoover in those cases, you can forget it and this comes from the source, from them, that’s what they told me.

If they are not yet done with you if the break up was within a fight and they still feel they can get what they need from you, they will hoover. How can you tell?
Well if you had any other interaction and they expressively see you as all bad then there’s no hoover, otherwise you might get one.

If they got another partner, right away or they already had one before the break up or they blocked you absolutely everywhere, there won’t be a hoover any time soon.
If it doesn’t happen within a few weeks it won’t happen any time soon because they are either getting supply somewhere else or they feel so disregulated with the relationship that they stay away and find easier connections.
There might nevertheless be a hoover at some point whenever they need their supply since you didn’t close the door and are not seen as bad in their eyes.

With hoover in this cases I mean coming back to get back together.

They might all appear here and there with no intention of ever getting back together but just to have the feeling that you don’t hate them and they are good people because you don’t hate and you still would be happy to have them in your life.

They don’t want to be perceived as a bad person, that goes along with why they cannot take accountability for their actions. Bad persons are not attractive to have a relationship with so they need to convince themselves that they are not the problem. They are not the bad person, you are.
So if you answer their messages in the future or just keep the contact it might just go that far and they might fish for validation but not necessarily get back with you.

If they are high on the BPD traits, their hoovers will be a lot more obvios and maybe unhinged and it will be because they can’t handle being alone or feeling abandoned.

When it’s about the comorbidity with NPD is because of what you did for their EGO but if you made them feel shame you can be sure you will never see them again.

If they disappeared from one day to the other due to a split, it is hard to tell, it depends on your history, but the previous part I wrote still applies.

I can tell you that I know mine will never hoover:

1- I made sure she can’t reach out nor can I in case of weakness, which means I won’t validate her anymore which means she won’t see any value in me as a supply

2- She feels that I was horrible with her because I told her what she did and that I wish I would have paid attention to all the red flag, and enumerated them and that I wish I would have never met her and spared myself the trauma. That for her is the ultimate injury because of her NPD comorbidities. She picked a persona that is kind, that the one she decides to act. She isn’t though, so I exposed her. The shame is too much to bare so I am a monster and therefore erased from existence
3- She might reach out somehow but only to vent her shame injury, not any other sort of supply. Towards me now there only is NPD traits left. Any abandonment issue is overshadowed by that.
4- She owes me a subtantial amount of money and the “good person” doesn’t do that so she needs to avoid me so she doesn’t have to confront that.

I hope this helps those that keep wondering what will happen.
Do not oversimplify it, is not a black or white answer, it does depend on their BPD and how they experienced it. This is not a recipe. Sure they repeat certain behaviors but so do I and my ADHD but that doesn’t mean I will do exactly the same thing every single time as another ADHD, that’s absurd to think.

Maybe you can share how it ended and how is their BPD and guess whether you will get hoovered or not or if it already happened and what I wrote can be considered a valid assumption of the whole hoover topic

My ex pwBPD owes me money, I already requested it back and gave her a deadline to which she has not even answered.
Has anyone had any experience or clever way in which you guys got back any money or assets they owe you?

I know if she would know that I tell people how much money she owes me she would feel shame and that might motivate her but also that might make her split even more and accuse me of things I haven’t done and based on your experiences I am afraid to do anything

Any advice?

Since I understood now how much BPD and NPD coexist and read more on the topic I see my ex different. No longer as this poor suffering person despite her cruelness but like other NPD people I have met completely devoid of empathy.

Suffice to say my ex pwBPD definitely was more characteristically BPD but knowing that the core injury is the same and how the personality disorder forms I cannot see her the same way ever again. Not even in my memories of her.

I’d say that is good because I won’t ever fall for the “I miss her” nonsense but on the other hand I am a bit in shock for not seeing before. It was there all along just milder than a full blown narcissist.

I think in part because of the narrative out there, the poor suffering BPD that hurts you because they are suffering and the NPD that will manipulate you and hurt you on purpose for their ego. I kept them apart and I even defended that distinction repeating what I read on posts like a parrot without deeply understanding.

Shame on me, I guess it was a bit of social media effect no matter how sceptic I was and try to not fall for obvious statements.

I cannot unsee what I know now. Like someone commented in one of my last posts they have a personality disorder, that’s the base of it and that has more BPD or NPD traits.

So the narrative that one is the victim and the other the evil perpetrator is so much bs and a huge oversimplification. I do feel fascinated to a certain extent because it is so far from my reality and those of my peers, how they feel empty or how they can feel no empathy in some case or how you stop existing.

My message to the community is to be better, actually read more, many do it, but I confess that I apparently didn’t do enough research to understand properly because I thought I knew enough.

If you partner or ex partner doesn’t fit 100% one PD diagnosis check the other cluster B, your find your answer there and it is normal

The more I am reading about vulnerable NPD and BPD and in general the similarities and common traits the more I understand now how many traits were related more to NPD.

She for example picked an identity that she protected at all cost.

I met once a grandiose NPD, dated her for a month and left her real fast once I was warned. I never thought my ex pwBPD also had narcissistic traits because to be honest I didn’t dig enough into narcisism and barely knew that other person.

It is equally shocking experience when you read the NPD accounts and realize all the similarities as well, albeit much less.

I would recommend to also read into that because there a lot of traits in common. I got even more clarity that I already thought I had but I also see more clearly why she lacked so much empathy and why at the end the thing that mattered to her the most was her reputation or how she would look.

It seems that they should be just diagnosed with personality disorder predominantly NPD or predominantly BPD