u/PrestigiousList8164

A while back I posted here asking for advice on how to manage my girl's pregnancy... A few people over here and in the other sub reddit thought it might not be mine. I thought they were wrong and trusted my girl with everything but turns out they were right.

After I came to my senses and decided to support my girl through her pregnancy, we had a talk about the future and what we needed to do. After that convo, she seemed completely off and not herself so I asked her about it. She just blamed the hormones and I understood cuz I know people's mood changes drastically. I did everything I could to help her through the pregnancy by not letting her do any work, doing all the household work, and picking up more projects from my freelancing job so that I could save as much as possible for my future baby.

Seeing me do all this made her even more upset and she kept yelling at me and accused me of cheating thrice because I had gone out to meet a couple friends of mine (after I made sure she had everything she needed and I was only gone for around 2 hours.) Each time I would assure her that I wasn't cheating and I would stay with her all night till she felt better.

Yesterday she told me we need to talk. We both sat down and she said she couldn't take this anymore and she hated how well I treated her and she wanted me to be a worse bf and a father. This confused the fuck out of me so I was like wtf? and after a little pressing, she came clean. The baby wasn't mine. She cheated on me 5 times with her manager... WHAT THE FUCK?! NO LIKE ACTUALLY... WHAT THE FLYING FUCK?!

I'VE MET THIS MANAGER BEFORE. MULTIPLE TIMES. EVERYTHING SEEMED NORMAL. MY STUPID TRUSTING ASS IGNORED EVERYTHING I GUESS.

She said it made her feel so bad that she betrayed my trust while I was taking such good care of her. She said she wanted me to be a worse bf and father so that she could feel better for cheating. YES SHE ACTUALLY SAID THAT. I WISH I WAS DREAMING. WHO THE FUCK WAS THIS WOMEN?! WHO IS SHE?! SHE IS NOT THE PERSON I FELL IN LOVE WITH.

She wants me to stay and be there for the baby cuz the manager backed out after learning she was pregnant and she needs my support. I grabbed my car keys and just started driving. I needed to clear my mind before I did something I would regret. I just went to my favorite park and just sat there sobbing my eyes out like a little baby. My mind kept racing through everything she said and I was legit spiraling. I kept replaying everything throughout the entire pregnancy in my head and I was filled with hatred towards everyone.

I called my best friend up and he immediately came to pick me up and we went over to his place and he took care of me. He was probably the only reason I didn't completely breakdown or relapse (I have a history of alcohol abuse and addiction and he made sure i didn't have any alcohol). I cried throughout the entire night cuz I kept having flashbacks of other relationships that I've been in there were extremely toxic and I thought I was good and safe with her and she would never betray me. Guess I was extremely wrong.

I woke up today with a little more clarity. My friend made me some breakfast and we talked about everything. He asked me a question I hadn't fully thought about yet. What about the baby? Who will take care of it? The manager backed out and she doesn't earn enough to support the both of them.

I hate this women with all my heart and I feel disgusted at the thought of me having his sloppy seconds but the poor baby didn't do anything wrong. He/she did not choose the circumstances in which he/she would be born. What will happen to the child? Will they be sent to an adoption center? I don't want that as I know how horrible those places are sometimes and I never want a child to grow up without a proper parental figure.

So Reddit, what the fuck do I do here? Do I forgive her and get back into their lives for the sake of my child or do I have any other options here?

Ok at this point reddit is my go to problem solver so here goes. Me and my girlfriend have a pretty big issue (I don't wanna call it that but I am using it due to a lack of a better word) and I don't know what to do.

As always, here is some context/background.

Due to the shit my parents did and how shitty their marriage was and every single marriage I witnessed as a child, I have always been terrified of marriages... It's confusing but I feel like every marriage is destined to fail and 2 loving people split apart. I have also been terrified of kids... Mainly because I don't know what the fuck I am doing with my own life... Sure I am relatively successful ig? But I don't have my shit together at all... I mean I'm 21 but with the mental maturity of a 16 year old. I don't know how to take care of a living breathing child!

Plus I don't know what a good father even looks like. I've never had a good father figure in my life and I am completely clueless as to what a good father does and how he functions. When am I supposed to discipline the child and when am I supposed to help them? How harsh is too harsh? Which is the right style? Am I even good enough as a human to raise a child? Am I stable enough and normal enough to have that responsibility and not fuck it up? What kind of language is too harsh? Ig I could base that off how I felt when my dad did them to me but he was always at the extreme so I don't know where the line falls between harsh and fair.

My point is I don't know what the fuck I am doing. I can't even begin to process how I would go about raising a child and doing it right so that I don't wrong my child. It would be my responsibility as a parent to make sure I don't fuck up my child...

Some of you would say how about ur girl? Does she know anything? Yeah no... She is as clueless as me.

Now some of you would say, DON'T HAVE THE KID. SIMPLE. It's not that easy... My girl wants to keep it. She admits that she is terrified and has no clue what she is doing and doesn't know what it is like to be a good mother but she says we will learn and we will do this together. When I asked her how we plan on learning, she had no clue. She said we will figure it out. I AM NOT THE KIND OF PERSON TO JUST WING IT. AND NEITHER IS SHE! WE PLAN EVERYTHING TO THE ABSOLUTE T. I mean if its something small, then ye sure I wouldn't mind winging it but this is a literal human being... I've tried talking to her about it and I explained my concerns and she says she understands and has the same concerns but still wants to proceed.

Ig what I am asking for is, Reddit, wtf should I do? Should I keep the kid? If yes, then how do I learn how to be a good father? If no, then how do I explain that to my girl?

Edit: the phrasing is weird cuz I am overwhelmed rn. What I am asking is, if I being a dick and stupid to be thinking of this stuff and just be happy for our future? Should I actually be worried about all this? Would I be a good father if we went ahead with this? How do I learn what is appropriate and what is not?

Hopefully this is worded better!

Ok at this point reddit is my go to problem solver so here goes. Me and my girlfriend have a pretty big issue (I don't wanna call it that but I am using it due to a lack of a better word) and I don't know what to do.

As always, here is some context/background.

Due to the shit my parents did and how shitty their marriage was and every single marriage I witnessed as a child, I have always been terrified of marriages... It's confusing but I feel like every marriage is destined to fail and 2 loving people split apart. I have also been terrified of kids... Mainly because I don't know what the fuck I am doing with my own life... Sure I am relatively successful ig? But I don't have my shit together at all... I mean I'm 21 but with the mental maturity of a 16 year old. I don't know how to take care of a living breathing child!

Plus I don't know what a good father even looks like. I've never had a good father figure in my life and I am completely clueless as to what a good father does and how he functions. When am I supposed to discipline the child and when am I supposed to help them? How harsh is too harsh? Which is the right style? Am I even good enough as a human to raise a child? Am I stable enough and normal enough to have that responsibility and not fuck it up? What kind of language is too harsh? Ig I could base that off how I felt when my dad did them to me but he was always at the extreme so I don't know where the line falls between harsh and fair.

My point is I don't know what the fuck I am doing. I can't even begin to process how I would go about raising a child and doing it right so that I don't wrong my child. It would be my responsibility as a parent to make sure I don't fuck up my child...

Some of you would say how about ur girl? Does she know anything? Yeah no... She is as clueless as me.

Now some of you would say, DON'T HAVE THE KID. SIMPLE. It's not that easy... My girl wants to keep it. She admits that she is terrified and has no clue what she is doing and doesn't know what it is like to be a good mother but she says we will learn and we will do this together. When I asked her how we plan on learning, she had no clue. She said we will figure it out. I AM NOT THE KIND OF PERSON TO JUST WING IT. AND NEITHER IS SHE! WE PLAN EVERYTHING TO THE ABSOLUTE T. I mean if its something small, then ye sure I wouldn't mind winging it but this is a literal human being... I've tried talking to her about it and I explained my concerns and she says she understands and has the same concerns but still wants to proceed.

Ig what I am asking for is, Reddit, wtf should I do? Should I keep the kid? If yes, then how do I learn how to be a good father? If no, then how do I explain that to my girl?

Edit: the phrasing is weird cuz I am overwhelmed rn. What I am asking is, if I being a dick and stupid to be thinking of this stuff and just be happy for our future? Should I actually be worried about all this? Would I be a good father if we went ahead with this? How do I learn what is appropriate and what is not?

Hopefully this is worded better!

Ok I have never posted an update before so I legit had to google how to make one.... So hopefully i'm doing it right...

If you wanna check out the OG post, here is the link: https://www.reddit.com/r/WhatShouldIDo/comments/1u9vedg/how_do_i_help_my_girlfriend_deal_with_her_trauma/

Now to get back to the update. After reading all your comments, I decided to take my girl out on a fun day type thing. I took her to a bunch of her favorite places, including our first date, the place where he had our first kiss, that type of thing. She thought it was really sweet and romantic but ig she knows me too well and asked why I look off. I kinda said not now we'll talk about it later and continued having fun.

After she was satisfied, I took her to her favorite ice cream place and got her a massive cone, and sat her down. I started the convo by saying "hey I've been noticing you lately and i'm worried. If anything is bothering you, you can always talk to me. I want you to know I would never harm you in any way and I'll always be here for you no matter what. But if you don't feel fine talking to me, that's ok. If you don't even wanna talk to anyone, that's ok. I just want you to know you are safe here and far away from the psychotic shits from your childhood."

She instantly started sobbing her eyes out and completely broke down. She said she has been having these flashbacks of her past and she feels overwhelmed and she asked "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME. I AM A CRAZY BITCH AND YOU WILL START HATING ME FOR IT JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE DID." I was so stunned and caught off guard that I didn't say anything for like a full minute, trying to process what she had just said. She took this as me agreeing with her and ran out the shop. I quickly followed her and made her sit down in the car and said, "Babe no I don't think you are crazy. I think you are a normal human who has had horrible shit done to her by the people who were supposed to protect her. That kind of act leaves lasting scars that take time to heal. Your flashbacks are completely normal and it's a sign that your brain is actively trying to process the trauma. This makes you a fighter not a crazy bitch. And even if you were a crazy bitch, WHICH YOU ARE NOT, I would still love you more than anything else in the world because you would be my crazy bitch and I would be yours."

I got extremely emotional while saying all this stuff and we both were sobbing and hugging and pretty much everyone in the streets thought we were crazy but I didn't give two shits.

It took a while for her to calm down and she said that she wanted to tell me something. She took a few breaths and then she started telling everything that those horrible people did to her. I will not be going into details here as it was so horrid and so fucking sad that I started sobbing listening to it. Tbh the stuff I went through fall short compared to her shit.

After she said everything, she said, "I understand if you think I am disgusting for all that happening and if you think it's my fault and I won't be mad if you broke up with me" I was so shocked and I asked her why she thought I would break up with her over this. She said that everyone she told the story to thought she was filthy and disgusting and it was all her fault. This legit broke my heart as I went through the same thing and I understood how she felt. I gave her a massive hug and said "Nothing that happened was your fault. NONE OF IT. They took advantage of a poor and innocent soul and they will rot for it but not even a single second of that was your fault. I will never break up with you over something that was never your fault. I am always here for you if you need anything from me."

I realized that it was my time to be open and I told her everything. In more detail that I've ever said. Even my therapist doesn't know the things she now does. Now we both know everything about our pasts and we both have decided to go to therapy together to work through all our shared traumas...

In short, thank you all so much for your advice! Y'all srsly helped me out here.

Hey guys! This is my second time posting on Reddit so I might still be crusty or over yap so be mindful of that pls.

Ok so my girlfriend was actually my childhood friend I met when I was 16. We both had a lot of common interests and we instantly hit it off. Over time, we developed feelings for each other and I confessed when we both turned 19 last year. It's been an amazing relationship, pretty much the only healthy one I've been in. I love her more than anything else and I feel so goddamn lucky to have her in my life.

Recently, I've been noticing some concerning behaviour. She is always very nervous whenever we are on the road, constantly looking at me, trying to read my expressions ig. Even when I am talking to her while driving, she still seems very nervous. Every time there is a sudden loud noise she flinches so hard she looks like she is seizing or smth. Some times she just zones out and becomes very scared and anxious and won't let anyone come near her except me sometimes. Sometimes if I'm mad (not at her just college or family drama), she will literally vanish into thin air. Like I'll find her 20 mins later in the street talking a walk or doing laundry (even when there is literally no dirty clothes... she will literally rewash fresh clothes just to get away from me). I've always been sure never to take my anger out on her and be calm so I don't think she is scared of me. Like yesterday, she spilled some coke on the carpet and she legit broke down and started sobbing and apologized like crazy... I was so shocked that I just went to her, grabbed her in my arms, and just sat there with her until she felt ok.

She has never been like this before. Coming from a family of abuse, I instantly recognize all the signs. I went through a similar time right after I moved out. She has never wanted to talk about her family or past even when we were kids and she would start sobbing every time I tried to ask so I just stopped. I did notice scars and bruises when we were kids and that was one of the reasons we got so close because even if we never talked about our situation, we knew what we were going through in the dark. I have not told her any details of my past either but she knows the gist of it because I could not go into the details without having a full blown mental breakdown. But she has been there through everything for me.

I want to do the same but I don't know how. I don't want my best friend and my girlfriend to suffer in silence and be so traumatized. I wanna help her get through it but I don't know what the first step here is... So Reddit, what do I do here??

Hey reddit. This is my first time posting and I was sent here by a few friends who thought I might get the best advice here so here goes nothing.

For this to make sense, here is a bit of context:

So I, (20M) moved out of my toxic and abusive family's house as soon as I turned 18. I had been secretly making money on the side through stuff like freelancing and I kept them hidden from my parents by storing them in my childhood best friend's bank account. (I trust this dude with my life and till this day we are inseparable). I went to uni in Singapore and I have been slowly working through my childhood trauma that was caused by my psychotic parents.

I don't wanna get into the exact details here as I am still not entire comfortable to talk about everything they did without completely breaking down, but for the sake of context, I'll give you a rough idea.

It was mostly my dad who tortured me and my mom used to be passive but later joined in too. My dad used to beat me up for the slightest of things. He had a variety of "tools" that he would use on me. He would get home from work rlly pissed due to work issues and he would take out all his anger on me. I was basically his punching bag. Whenever he was angry or frustrated he would come into my room, choose his "tool" of the day, and beat me till he felt happy or I cried and begged him to stop. My body was always riddled with scars and bruises. I used to wear full sleeved jackets to school even during summer and I used to cover the black eyes with makeup. The teachers always asked why I was wearing full sleeved jackets and I just said "I'm just rlly cold." The other kids thought I was weird for wearing makeup and they would bully me for it but it was nothing compared to my dad's hell so I didn't mind.

My dad also used to beat up my mom at the beginning of their marriage and during one fight, he beat her up so bad that he destroyed one of the discs in my mom's spine. She was never the same after that and had chronic pain. I also remember as a kid, I used to love to eat. But my dad didn't like it and would constantly belittle me and bully me about eating and would beat me up if I ate anything more than what he gave me which was almost always never enough. I always went to bed starving while my parents would have a feast everyday. So I completely lost my will to eat and developed an eating disorder that I have still not overcome. Due to this, I was quite malnourished and constantly had medical issues which I ended up getting beaten up for as if it were my fault.

My mom also did pretty much the same things that my dad did to me so I grew up resenting both of them. Thats when I decided that I had had enough and I was about to take my life into my own hands. So I worked my ass off, got good grades, and I started earning money through freelancing.

Ok enough backstory now back to the issue. So as soon as I moved out, I cut contact with my parents and grandparents. I cut contact with grandparents because they supported my parents and never came to my defense so I hated them too. I basically turned a fresh page in my life.

Now I recently opened a Instagram account and started posting pics of me and my friends hanging out and being bored in classes, etc. I don't know how the fuck my parents found my account but they did and started blowing up my messages calling me an ungrateful brat, a useless piece of shit, and my mom said I wish I never had you. I was surprised by these comments ngl. Not because they were rude, but because this was very civil for them... I was expecting much much worse.

Anyways I ignored them until they kept spamming so I told them to never contact me ever again and I never wanted to hear anything from them ever again, and I blocked them. Now I don't know what the fuck they told all our relatives because suddenly everyone started blowing up my messages and started calling me and unleashing a mountain of insults at me. I didn't rlly understand the source of their rage but it seemed like my parents had told everyone that I had abandoned them at their old age and took advantage of them for years or something like that.

So now, I don't know what to do. My phone has been blowing up with messages from people I haven't heard from in years and my parents are doing everything they can to bring me back.

So what do I do now?

Hey reddit. This is my first time posting and I was sent here by a few friends who thought I might get the best advice here so here goes nothing.

For this to make sense, here is a bit of context:

So I, (20M) moved out of my toxic and abusive family's house as soon as I turned 18. I had been secretly making money on the side through stuff like freelancing and I kept them hidden from my parents by storing them in my childhood best friend's bank account. (I trust this dude with my life and till this day we are inseparable). I went to uni in Singapore and I have been slowly working through my childhood trauma that was caused by my psychotic parents.

I don't wanna get into the exact details here as I am still not entire comfortable to talk about everything they did without completely breaking down, but for the sake of context, I'll give you a rough idea.

It was mostly my dad who tortured me and my mom used to be passive but later joined in too. My dad used to beat me up for the slightest of things. He had a variety of "tools" that he would use on me. He would get home from work rlly pissed due to work issues and he would take out all his anger on me. I was basically his punching bag. Whenever he was angry or frustrated he would come into my room, choose his "tool" of the day, and beat me till he felt happy or I cried and begged him to stop. My body was always riddled with scars and bruises. I used to wear full sleeved jackets to school even during summer and I used to cover the black eyes with makeup. The teachers always asked why I was wearing full sleeved jackets and I just said "I'm just rlly cold." The other kids thought I was weird for wearing makeup and they would bully me for it but it was nothing compared to my dad's hell so I didn't mind.

My dad also used to beat up my mom at the beginning of their marriage and during one fight, he beat her up so bad that he destroyed one of the discs in my mom's spine. She was never the same after that and had chronic pain. I also remember as a kid, I used to love to eat. But my dad didn't like it and would constantly belittle me and bully me about eating and would beat me up if I ate anything more than what he gave me which was almost always never enough. I always went to bed starving while my parents would have a feast everyday. So I completely lost my will to eat and developed an eating disorder that I have still not overcome. Due to this, I was quite malnourished and constantly had medical issues which I ended up getting beaten up for as if it were my fault.

My mom also did pretty much the same things that my dad did to me so I grew up resenting both of them. Thats when I decided that I had had enough and I was about to take my life into my own hands. So I worked my ass off, got good grades, and I started earning money through freelancing.

Ok enough backstory now back to the issue. So as soon as I moved out, I cut contact with my parents and grandparents. I cut contact with grandparents because they supported my parents and never came to my defense so I hated them too. I basically turned a fresh page in my life.

Now I recently opened a Instagram account and started posting pics of me and my friends hanging out and being bored in classes, etc. I don't know how the fuck my parents found my account but they did and started blowing up my messages calling me an ungrateful brat, a useless piece of shit, and my mom said I wish I never had you. I was surprised by these comments ngl. Not because they were rude, but because this was very civil for them... I was expecting much much worse.

Anyways I ignored them until they kept spamming so I told them to never contact me ever again and I never wanted to hear anything from them ever again, and I blocked them. Now I don't know what the fuck they told all our relatives because suddenly everyone started blowing up my messages and started calling me and unleashing a mountain of insults at me. I didn't rlly understand the source of their rage but it seemed like my parents had told everyone that I had abandoned them at their old age and took advantage of them for years or something like that.

So now, I don't know what to do. My phone has been blowing up with messages from people I haven't heard from in years and my parents are doing everything they can to bring me back.

So what do I do now?

Hey reddit. This is my first time posting and I was sent here by a few friends who thought I might get the best advice here so here goes nothing.

For this to make sense, here is a bit of context:

So I, (20M) moved out of my toxic and abusive family's house as soon as I turned 18. I had been secretly making money on the side through stuff like freelancing and I kept them hidden from my parents by storing them in my childhood best friend's bank account. (I trust this dude with my life and till this day we are inseparable). I went to uni in Singapore and I have been slowly working through my childhood trauma that was caused by my psychotic parents.

I don't wanna get into the exact details here as I am still not entire comfortable to talk about everything they did without completely breaking down, but for the sake of context, I'll give you a rough idea.

It was mostly my dad who tortured me and my mom used to be passive but later joined in too. My dad used to beat me up for the slightest of things. He had a variety of "tools" that he would use on me. He would get home from work rlly pissed due to work issues and he would take out all his anger on me. I was basically his punching bag. Whenever he was angry or frustrated he would come into my room, choose his "tool" of the day, and beat me till he felt happy or I cried and begged him to stop. My body was always riddled with scars and bruises. I used to wear full sleeved jackets to school even during summer and I used to cover the black eyes with makeup. The teachers always asked why I was wearing full sleeved jackets and I just said "I'm just rlly cold." The other kids thought I was weird for wearing makeup and they would bully me for it but it was nothing compared to my dad's hell so I didn't mind.

My dad also used to beat up my mom at the beginning of their marriage and during one fight, he beat her up so bad that he destroyed one of the discs in my mom's spine. She was never the same after that and had chronic pain. I also remember as a kid, I used to love to eat. But my dad didn't like it and would constantly belittle me and bully me about eating and would beat me up if I ate anything more than what he gave me which was almost always never enough. I always went to bed starving while my parents would have a feast everyday. So I completely lost my will to eat and developed an eating disorder that I have still not overcome. Due to this, I was quite malnourished and constantly had medical issues which I ended up getting beaten up for as if it were my fault.

My mom also did pretty much the same things that my dad did to me so I grew up resenting both of them. Thats when I decided that I had had enough and I was about to take my life into my own hands. So I worked my ass off, got good grades, and I started earning money through freelancing.

Ok enough backstory now back to the issue. So as soon as I moved out, I cut contact with my parents and grandparents. I cut contact with grandparents because they supported my parents and never came to my defense so I hated them too. I basically turned a fresh page in my life.

Now I recently opened a Instagram account and started posting pics of me and my friends hanging out and being bored in classes, etc. I don't know how the fuck my parents found my account but they did and started blowing up my messages calling me an ungrateful brat, a useless piece of shit, and my mom said I wish I never had you. I was surprised by these comments ngl. Not because they were rude, but because this was very civil for them... I was expecting much much worse.

Anyways I ignored them until they kept spamming so I told them to never contact me ever again and I never wanted to hear anything from them ever again, and I blocked them. Now I don't know what the fuck they told all our relatives because suddenly everyone started blowing up my messages and started calling me and unleashing a mountain of insults at me. I didn't rlly understand the source of their rage but it seemed like my parents had told everyone that I had abandoned them at their old age and took advantage of them for years or something like that.

So now, I don't know what to do. My phone has been blowing up with messages from people I haven't heard from in years and my parents are doing everything they can to bring me back.

So what do I do now?