u/RandomUsernameNo257

(veggie tacos)

Ok, so integral to all of this - I (34F) am intersex, and for most of my life, I kind of lived between sexes without a foot planted too firmly in either, but I was often perceived as a very un-masculine male. In different phases of my life, people would often avoid gendering me at all because they didn't want to guess.

He would describe himself as gay, and I had fit into what he was interested in.

A couple years ago, I started making some more queer friends, and after hearing the experiences of people who have gone on HRT, I started to realize the role that hormones can have on mental health. My mental health had been awful since the start of puberty, and why no doctor ever told me that having high testosterone could cause all kinds of mental health issues is beyond me.

So I saw a doctor and decided to address it. Once I got my T levels down and E levels up, it was like night and day. I absolutely blossomed, both physically and mentally. It's been such a glow up that looking in the mirror still sometimes makes me well up - I can't believe such a pretty lady is staring back at me.

The issue is that when I was considering starting hormones, we had a discussion about it and he made a point to tell me that he "couldn't handle" me having any surgery *down there*. I won't go into what I've got going on down there, but you're welcome to use your imagination.

As things progressed, I very quickly departed from my start point. The androgyny is gone, and I'm exclusively gendered female. Not only that, but I'm really embracing my femininity in a way that I never have before. Like I'm coming to life for the first time. I used to consider myself to be basically nonbinary, but now I realize that couldn't be farther from the truth, that I'm very much a binary woman. I just had some hormone problems that confused the issue for a while.

I'm so, so confident now. I love who I am, I love going out into the world, I have actual friend groups and support systems for the first time since high school, and I just feel like a whole new person. But this is all in spite of my partner. Every step of the way, he has supported my autonomy, and has made it clear that he's happy for me and doesn't hold any ill feelings toward me for doing what was right for myself, but it's also been very clear that this has been difficult for him.

I have turned into someone that he's no longer attracted to. He said that by being with a woman, he feels like he's losing part of his identity. He said that when he goes out, he feels like some "schlubby straight guy". I asked him to clarify what he meant by that, and he waffled a little and took it back, so your interpretation is about as good as mine, but I think that he feels like I look like I'm out of his league now. The height difference doesn't help, because I'm 5'9" and he's 5'5". I don't see relationships in those terms at all, but he is obviously feeling some kind of way about it.

We're basically never intimate - we're like roommates who exchange the occasional kiss. Our relationship is basically over. And I'm about to put the final nail in it, because I'm currently trying to get an appointment with a surgeon to fix things up down there and make them female-typical. He's mentioned multiple times that this is basically a dealbreaker for him. He can't do it, but it's becoming increasingly important to me to get it done.

Here's the thing though

I'm not even upset with him. I just want him to be happy, and I want me to be happy. He deserves someone that he is attracted to, and I deserve someone who is attracted to me - not someone who is with me in spite of a lack of physical attraction. I love him so much, but increasingly like a friend. We've been through so much. We got together when we were 18 and 19. We've been poor together, started businesses together, bought property together. We own our home together. We are so good together. Our skillsets are complete opposites that meet right in the middle, and we really complete each other to make us a total power-couple. But that's not enough to make a romantic partner.

I'm so afraid. I'll have a hard time without him, and I don't know that he'll be alright without me. I don't know how to navigate this. I've been with him almost half my life. I've never really been an adult alone. I don't know how he'll take it. I don't know how much of our partnership we can (or should) maintain.

I'm scared, and heartbreakingly nostalgic for the time we've had together. I don't want it to be over, but it already is, we just haven't said it out loud yet. I'm also so excited for the future, and to be with someone who really loves who I am and supports me. Feeling every emotion right now really hard.

The tacos are really good though.

Edit: Thank you so much for all of the replies, you're all very sweet, and it really means a lot <3

Definitely cried a little - hits close to home right now

Clockwise starting at 12:

Pentax 17 - Small, and half-frame, so you still get the process of shooting film, but more economically than full frame. Great camera, but annoying electronic shutter button. Would still recommend.

Lip stuff, and cc cream

Sandisk clip sport plus - no matter how hard I try, I can not find a better audiobook player than this little guy. Battery lasts forever, saves your place in every book automatically without any kind of management on your part. It’s not a big ask, but I don’t think they make anything like that anymore. Currently listening to Abaddon’s Gate

Xteink x4 - teeny little ebook reader. A kindle is a little too big to take everywhere, but this is small enough to stuff in a pocket. I got it as a gift and didn’t expect to use it, but it’s arguably my primary way to read these days.

iPhone SE. It’s a phone

Bike key - CBR600RR

Wallet

You know what it is lol

Business card holder

Pen

I know I’m leaning lower pitched here, partially because I’m speaking quietly, but also because I’m just not putting any effort in. So this is just my regular speaking voice if I’m not really trying or giving it any thought.

I am ok with skewing a little lower (squeaky princess voice would never fit me) as long as it isn’t clocky, and sound’s unambiguously female.

So what do we think? Am I hitting the mark, or not quite?

Sometimes, the easy way is the best way. The hard part is just finding the easy path. Never stop experimenting - never stop trying to find new ways to reach the same goal, because if you're straining and struggling to keep your pitch, size, and weight in the right places, there's usually an easier way to do it that you just haven't discovered yet.

So embarrassing to hear the first clip 😅 I had no idea what I was doing, and hated the sound of my voice, so I tried to lean into the masculinity and hide my timbre with false fold distortion and artificially increased resonance. Silly days.

And yeah yeah I know my voice is deep as hell. Hormone issues, quit hating lol

What do you all think? Is it at least androgynous? Going loud and still sounding remotely fem is so incredibly difficult 😅 And in usual fashion, I have no idea if it sounds fem, androgynous, or literally just like a man lol

I'll be traveling on the 7th, so I'm posting this a couple days early.

Day-to-day, it's pretty unobtrusive and generally pretty unnoticeable, but music gets me excited, which tends to kick things up into another gear. Combined with being comfy and alone in a sound proof booth, I'm able to freely let tics fly whenever they want, so before and after songs, I'm really in rare form lol

God, this feels like a coming-out video 😅 (Happy Pride Month!!)

I'm not shy, so I'm happy to answer any questions if anyone has them, but otherwise, I just wanted to share <3

Edit: Also I should point out that swearing and middle fingers constitute a vast minority of tics in general. Only a small proportion of people with Tourette’s have the swearing variety - much more common (for me and in general) are tics like eye blinking, humming, certain hand movements, stretching, etc. Most people who know me casually irl don’t actually know I have Tourette’s, because tics can often be suppressed, redirected, or disguised - although that tends to take up a lot of mental energy keeping things all in check.