u/Rare-Variation2042

I've watched my own games back and had people review them for me. I've noticed that sometimes what happens in my replays never fully feels like my fault. At the time I was playing most decisions feel right if I just do it well enough and do it perfectly, but to another perspective it's just not the right play at all. Watching my gameplay in replay just makes me look more like in supposed to be in bronze or gold instead of even close to play or diamond.

For example I go for a flank the enemy team fully stomps me or kills a tank on my team and I have to retreat, or I flank with my strange ult just for the enemy to have been keeping track of me the entire time, or I go to off angle as hela and the enemy hawk eye just one taps me after one corner peak. It's too many examples and micro moments to mention I can't just give one vod to quell this challenge I feel.

Extra thought : I feel like my gameplay is sometimes just pathetic no matter how hard I'm trying in a match or how much I swap roles and heroes. I feel if I've been playing since season 2 and I've only been in gold to diamond on average, am I really doing anything at that point? Ofc I've had fun in matches so ofc that's what matters but I mean..... Damn do I suck this much I still haven't hit GM again?

My mom mentioned that our mortgage is going up to 1,500 soon and she'll need all hands in. I still haven't found a job that I would work day to day at a job I know I'd rather be dead in, a job I wish I could hurt everyone and everything around me. I think I could just end my life and be much happier. I just don't want to do any of this. Deal with any of this and this is how our lives are planned to go in society. Working to pay mortgages and bills to live, supporting each other.

I'd rather just be dead right now and tomorrow, but I can't come up with a plan. At least I'm not willing to follow through with a plan yet. Maybe if just a few more things happen I'll get tired. Tired enough to just do whatever to end it, I don't want to go but I can't stand being here. Being needed when I don't want to be, then I can't go on my own yet, I can't afford a home of my own yet.

Mom mentioned that our mortgage is going up to 1,500 soon and she'll need help. I still haven't found a job that I would work day to day. I think I could just end my life and be much happier. I just don't want to do any of this. Deal with any of this and this is how our lives are planned to go in society. Working to pay mortgages and bills to live, supporting each other. I'd rather just be dead right now and tomorrow, but I can't come up with a plan. At least I'm not willing to follow through with a plan yet. Maybe if just a few more things happen I'll get tired. Tired enough to just do whatever to end it, I don't want to go but I can't stand being here. Being needed when I don't want to be, then I can't go on my own yet, I can't afford a home of my own yet.

I want to leave my family. Not be bothered by the needs of my mom or siblings and their kids. I care but I want out. I can't get that much money in a day.....I can't get that kind of money in a year. I wish I was just dead instead then, if it means not having to deal with any of them and their negative traits and just humanity.

I'd have to take a job I know I would hate to death and probably end myself during the shift. I can't see the future being pleasant or fulfilling. I need so much money, but I'm not at the position to just make money like that. I have to keep having the conversation with myself, "I'm tired of them and this life, we gotta get out of here one way or another." And I just don't know I think I'm gonna just pass out from thinking and trying to feel good enough to live and I just don't want to.

I obsess over women I've been interested in still. I wish so bad to exist in a alternate world and Reality where maybe it all goes how I want or goes in the hopeful direction. I can't forgive myself for not having these chances and relationships pan out and I've become imaginative. I try to go so in depth and try to get the sounds, smells, feelings and just over all sensations of a date, of being vulnerable with them, seeing them support me from wherever they are.

I don't know why I want this kind of relationship so badly now and it frustrates me to have practically the same issue so many other men have. This feels like a silly issue, but I know there's layers. It's not just "find a girlfriend" it's find "THE girlfriend" this perfect idea of one. I know though none of them will be perfect like that, no life isn't that fun and fair.

Too high expectations sure, hoping for something much more out of my league I'll go for every time no hesitation knowing full well it'll just lead to a soft rejection and a deep one sided friendship. Maybe something internal that needs to be patched over. Glad to not be an incel at least though, maybe just a celibate loser that says no to every girl because they're not my preference or standard

It feels like therapy just gave me tools for just combating thoughts and feelings rather than actually making them go away or manageable to deal with. Part of the time the therapist will give me the same cookie cutter dry answer that's given to every person who is talking to someone about a bad day. None of them specialize in the client, just the theory they learned to spew over and over. That same introductory "specializes in DV trauma, tertiary trauma...."

Give me something specialized for my depressed pointless life then if therapy is so effective and able to guide people to their preferred life, great enough for people to ask me about therapy every time I share something personal. Tell them all to go to hell for not being able to listen to my issues, but tell me there's at the cost of my time now after I gave them my attention and vulnerability. Make me believe that it's real and can happen, so I don't declare myself a enemy of the planet and just wish to be destroyed.

I can't look in the mirror and not get angry at the guy I see. All the mistakes made, missed opportunities, roads cut short and stupid choices can be seen all over my face. My self compassion is back-handed most of the time or I just can't believe what I try to tell myself. The girls missed, the friends lost, the potential life-defining goals I've messed up or made poor choices with.

If I'd rather gotten life right the first time than have to make a new mistake the next and following times. How can I not be mad at myself for it all? How I convince myself that I am not the one that isn't in the life he wants? Why do I have to keep fighting myself to deal with shit? What I injured my brain to just be off and I'm just a vessel that doesn't have to think about anything instead?

Even then I can't force reality to my will. I have to do things myself like I have always. I just wish I can choose the reality, and I mean really choose a reality not cope with what I have here.

Sometimes I wish I was a white guy. That's it, that and all the privilege and opportunities it comes with. I don't mean this as a uncle tom or uncle ruckus. I just see white men and sometimes it's like they live the life I'd rather have. They seem to always be the people around the right people. I try to live the same, but I don't get treated the same or almost even looked at the same.

All the natural traits as well. The hair, skin sometimes eyes. I accept I'm a black man, but I can't be a white man, I'm a black man with black skin, black hair, eyes and the black community. Maybe I just can't appreciate my own race and culture. I'm sorry if thats how this comes off 🙁 I wish I could just accept myself and what it means to just be.

\*Not sure what rotate this post as and really sorry if my karma is low, just not making fun posts lately. You can ask me whatever I'm not too weary of trying to discuss this. Therapy isn't easy as not many black therapists funnily enough

Sometimes I wish I was a white guy. That's it, that and all the privilege and opportunities it comes with. I don't mean this as a uncle tom or uncle ruckus. I just see white men and sometimes it's like they live the life I'd rather have. They seem to always be the people around the right people. I try to live the same, but I don't get treated the same or almost even looked at the same.

All the natural traits as well. The hair, skin sometimes eyes. I accept I'm a black man, but I can't be a white man, I'm a black man with black skin, black hair, eyes and the black community. Maybe I just can't appreciate my own race and culture. I'm sorry if thats how this comes off 🙁 I wish I could just accept myself and what it means to just be.

*Not sure what rotate this post as and really sorry if my karma is low, just not making fun posts lately

I sometimes wish I was someone else ...

Sometimes I wish I was a white guy. That's it, that and all the privilege and opportunities it comes with. I don't mean this as a uncle tom or uncle ruckus. I just see white men and sometimes it's like they live the life I'd rather have. They seem to always be the people around the right people. I try to live the same, but I don't get treated the same or almost even looked at the same.

All the natural traits as well. The hair, skin sometimes eyes. I accept I'm a black man, but I can't be a white man, I'm a black man with black skin, black hair, eyes and the black community. Maybe I just can't appreciate my own race and culture. I'm sorry if thats how this comes off 🙁 I wish I could just accept myself and what it means to just be this thing I am on earth.

I'm still angry with several people, even after time passing, I'm an adult now with the responsibilities and things to try and look forward to. I'm still angry about things that have happened to me and even others. I can't believe in healing when healing most of the time is forgive and forget. Even people not intending to hurt me are in the same boat.

I can maybe forget, but screw forgiveness. I may even be irrational or immoral, but I'm told things just are. I have to be balanced and satisfied is what I remember being told what healing is by mental health means. I guess the version of healing hasn't been effective or reliable.

I'm not declaring a self diagnosis or asking to be diagnosed. I just think in observing myself and reflecting with myself, maybe I've developed some symptoms of dissociative identity disorder. I have two personalities that I go to internally to discuss everything. I allow myself to speak in first person plural, or maybe I don't even notice that I speak in first person plural at times. I must seek counsel from my other selves on some occasions in order to even bother doing things.

Do I work out tonight? Aggressive and more driven side of me says yes, "we" need to "were" out of shape and look like I can actually be muscular. The other depressed side doesn't care I just want to lay in bed or just smoke. The real me just wants to have an answer to things that I'm certain about, but there are no right answers. Then people tell me it's just up to me and guess what I can't do without this counsel, there's not such a thing as the right answer then there I won't give one.

Feel bad about myself? "Well that's valid you just did....,so its your own mistake to learn from", "ahhh were human who really cares??", "he should care he could get arrested for being even a little bit of our weird normal self", " we at least gotta try to speak to them right?" And yada yada while whatever I was doing is already done or ignored.

If I had more friends growing up or just people I want to be open to more, maybe I wouldn't need to create other versions of myself to seem normal and natural in public. I can't be normal and natural with this though, if I get a girlfriend or a friend that I let get even closer than another, family even ffs, they'll see this within me. They can't see how irregular I am on the inside, maybe they already saw it and that's why I don't have friends. My smarter self knows this is irrational, but wtf has my life been so far if not sparse friendships and me carrying everything I want to do.

Even now making this post I can discuss all the different outcomes and answers people might give us. We can talk about so much and it all seems correct and

I'm the one that's always wrong or irrational. Maybe it's all of the people outside of me that are irrational, maybe what I believe is what is actually best for me and everyone else around me is wrong. Why do my thoughts have to be the irrational ones? Why isn't there a world where I can exist in the way I truly want to? We as humans do things and need things and I wish it could end. But I'm irrational if I want to end it all. Im the one that isn't making sense or functioning in this society. Im the one that gets laughed or poked at if I want something and it

People can have dreams in comas? Can they manipulate or influence the dream or is it random? Do people who go through this know they're dreaming? Asking out of curiosity and just what goes on in the mind during a coma, also not sure if this is where to ask

My own hell

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I collect social media of women I'm interested in and have over 4 thousand photos and 40 albums organized of different women. I screen shot and screen record their social media and save it for later. This isn't really a crime nor all that harmful, just mostly distasteful to most. I've come to a point that I know this may just be the better avenue for me. I'm a human that doesn't even want to be human.

I don't have any drive to harm these women. It's the rejection and the fact that they live on to just find someone else. Matter of fact this is something no one knows or suspects of me when I'm in public and I behavior on my best behavior. The best ME I can be to everyone and everything living thing I'm willing to give my life for, I give so much compassion to others.

Im a shut in and have been addicted to pornography for some years, so maybe not a surprise I've devolved into collecting social media posts of women maybe, just maybe I could realistically date. I've been in therapy, I just don't believe in it and it's not something I really think works for me as I have to want to change for that. The way therapy even is I can't stand.

I really want this off my chest as, now Ive started to imagine getting hurt by the women I do this over. I mean I already think none of them would like me, so I had a feeling my imagination and guilt would try to counter me. The women I imagine now are almost Monstrous and mean and they beat me. Women have men bother them directly enough, I'll keep myself isolated and restricted because I know myself well enough that I'm going to just be another horror story for these women if I actually tried to talk to them, I have to do this. I always come to a revelation that this is a lifestyle I am choosing, but also might just be best living with.

Addition: if it does mean anything. I am sorry to these women. I wish I was a normal guy or person that can just handle rejection and dating romance/relationships as a whole. I wish I didn't go this way or like this. 🙁 It's just is what it is and just works for me. You can see this as more of a tragic direction that others don't have to follow. I just go this way as it's been serving me more than it hurts going through dating.