u/Rewindsunshine

Still communicating 100% through Grandpa (my dad) and tbh we were both bracing for this to go badly but were pleasantly surprised yesterday!!

So my son started texting about his old skateboard. I thought he sold it to one of his friends back when his dad was making fun of the hobby. He swore he didn’t but it’s been so long and I hadn’t seen it so I thought well, maybe it got stolen because it got left outside? He used to skateboard with his “stepdad” (I put that in quotes because we’re not married and my son just randomly started calling him that & he used to think very highly of the man) so I asked him about it and he put together a board with parts he had, while I mentioned we could get him a new board. They’re not cheap though & I told my son I would order the board he sent the link to if he did some yard work for Grandpa and he agreed but I told him he could have the spare board parts in the meantime and it was up to Grandpa to decide to give him the new board upon completing the yard work.

He was super grateful & kept thanking me & “stepdad”! Last night he was with Grandpa waiting for the fireworks and sent a selfie and thanked us again because I got the used skateboard to him before his visit! I was gobsmacked!! I guess I got used to the piss poor attitude and alienation coming on down the line from my ex. Idk what changed but my heart is so happy and I hope it leads to more moments like this. I don’t want to get too ahead of myself & hopeful but fingers crossed!! I miss my son so much. ❤️

Idk if it’s my boyfriend’s brain damage or the fact I have been crying on and off over my grandma’s death because she died a few days before her bday and we would celebrate together many many times over the years that it was almost a given… but I am so disappointed/numb at the same time? To top it off my bday was on Father’s Day so I took a cake up to my dad and bbq’d for him and ended up sticking around and he said it was “the best day ever” and meanwhile I got a half ass happy birthday from him and my mom. Whatever I guess. I have been wrapped up in end of life care and all the funeral stuff with my grandma. I did remind my boyfriend like don’t forget it’s almost my bday, what are you gonna do?? And then the day of I was like dude, you didn’t even wish me a happy birthday or do anything and he was like what was I supposed to do, and I am like LITERALLY ANYTHING. He also didn’t do Jack shit for our anniversary and knew I was expecting him to make some kind of effort for my bday. I went out of my way to make sure his niece felt celebrated and made a money lei for him to give to her on her graduation and the girl doesn’t even talk to me but I wanted him to do *something* but now I just feel stupid. Why do I bother doing anything? I went and bought my own tiny birthday cake and didn’t share. Now I’m just trying to plan a solo escape/vacation for after the funeral… man, Hawaii would be nice! 😭

I took my toddler to visit her. It was so precious. She was receiving a breathing treatment but my daughter wasn’t scared or anything. I wrapped her up in a blanket my Grandma had crocheted & she snuggled on the bed with her while showing her a card her brother had made for her. Unfortunately, her brother who is a teenager couldn’t handle it so he won’t be visiting but I think my Grandma was waiting for the little one as she seemed at peace with the update I gave her on her great grandson. From my daughter’s perspective Great Grandma was just very tired and snoring & once she got all toasty we gave her a pat and my daughter put her finger to lip and said shhhhh and we quietly left her be. Hospice came awhile later and said my Grandma had begun to transition & this morning they called and said she’s rapidly deteriorating and won’t make it to her birthday.

I don’t know if she could see my daughter. Her eyes were kind of fluttering/rolling and she did try to turn her head towards her. I hope she could feel her presence at least. When I put the charm bracelet on her she was so warm and absolutely limp. She seemed comfortable before I left and I could tell she’d started the “guppy” breathing. I don’t think any other family will make it to her in time. But I put up some pictures of her and the family and set up a diffuser with calming scents and some cds from her house…

My daughter did visit with the other memory care patients and joined a family who was visiting with their mother who only had dementia. We all sat around the table in the nice weather & it was bittersweet as the woman just smiled but had no clue who any of us were. Everyone really liked seeing my daughter though. I’m glad we went.

So, I guess this is it. I am thankful for the wonderful facility that helped us and for all of you here that answered my questions and listened to me vent. It’s been exhausting and I feel it all mentally and physically. Sleep sounds so good right now & I hope we all get to rest. ❤️

Thank you all for your lovely messages! I was able to go to my grandmothers house yesterday and it was very heavy for my heart. Somebody has already been through her things but I was able to find sentimental items, including things from my great-grandmother who I spent a lot of my childhood with and that was wonderful. There was a locket my great-grandmother wore & I was delighted to find on one side a photo of my great-grandma & her kids and on the other side a baby photo of me! ❤️

My question is if it would be okay to bring a bracelet to my grandma. I found the Brighton “grandmother” charm bracelet that I had given her ages ago. Most of the charms are missing but it’s still in lovely condition & I thought my toddler daughter and I could take to her this week. I know they’re not supposed to have anything valuable because of the nature of memory care but she is bed bound & her room usually stays closed/locked. It wouldn’t be the end of the world if it went missing but I didn’t know if it would get in the way of the nurses/hospice as they cared for her? 🤔

Grandma’s friend went to visit her and she said she was “hollering” & repeating back what she said to her. She said in the 48 years she had known her my grandma had never yelled at her & she was hardly the person she’s known all this time. She didn’t even want to bother bringing my grandma a TV at this point. I did find some Elvis, Celine Dione and worship music so I am going to take that for her. I also took some framed art/photos for her room. Maybe it’s pointless, idk but I don’t feel like giving up yet… at least things would be more comfortable/home like for her visitors!

I find this so disturbing. My grandma’s birthday is next weekend and some mid-80’s cousin from another state is coming to go through and get what she wants from my grandma’s house instead of actually visiting her. I have no idea what she could possibly want of hers & it’s especially annoying because my Grandma had all her affairs in order and had asked everyone if there was anything specific they wanted but nobody spoke up & no specific items are named in the will. She isn’t dead yet! Shouldn’t the focus be visiting her? I don’t even know if this cousin has ever even been in my Grandma’s home!

I get that she is in hospice and her memory is shot, but she’s still here & finds visitors comforting.

Even her dead brother’s widow was like perhaps I should come for the funeral because I am so busy over the Summer. I guess she was trying to be practical? But who the heck cares if you come after she is gone? I only ever see these people at funerals and they didn’t even come out for her twin brother’s funeral even though they were all happy to take their inheritance. And what in the world does that elderly lady need with a bunch of Knick-knacks and costume jewelry?? Sigh.

I was hoping we could all come together for her birthday and have a nice visit but apparently I am the only one and everyone else just wants to pick over the “carcass” :( Whatever. I will be with MY Granda on HER BIRTHDAY regardless if she sleeps the whole damn day!! This shit sucks. /vent

I’m the only one my grandma is responsive to & she has been moved to hospice with a laundry list of terminal illnesses including COPD & pulmonary fibrosis. Before she fell and broke her hip she was so agitated and confused at home that my Uncle told me being around would make things worse so I stayed away. Well, during her rehab at post-acute she was experiencing delirium and was taken back to the hospital where she had her gallbladder removed. She wasn’t bouncing back from that and the facility was a hell-hole so I said fuck it and went and saw her. She was so happy to see me! I’m not sure what is dementia, delirium or something else? She’s only recently been given Norcos since she’s been moved to hospice and was telling me she is in pain and begging me to help her.

Before she got the Norcos, I was sitting with her trying to soothe her and she began to talk to her dead ex-husband. It was like she was dreaming? But her eyes were closed. She told him she “couldn’t do this” so I held her hand as she talked to him, asking him not to leave her, obviously upset before finally closing the conversation with saying I love you. I never knew this man because he died when my mom was only 16 and my grandma rarely talked about him. She then had another conversation with her mother and brothers who have also long since passed. I recognized the cadence & she said her twin brother’s name and told them that her son had paid all the bills and that [myself] was here now.

Today I came to see her and she is restless and she’s trying to tell me what she is upset about. I think she wants to see her great-granddaughter who is 2 1/2 and she hasn’t been able to but most everyone thinks she won’t know who she is or recognize her. I am not so sure. She definitely knows me and shut my mom out (they have a long history of estrangement) when she tried to visit her. Is it possible she is hanging on just to see my daughter? It’s nuts she is even alive still considering all of her diagnosis. I just want to make her time here as comfortable and pleasant as possible. She is in a facility now I can bring my daughter and today was her last day of preschool. I was hoping to bring her for my Grandma’s birthday but I am wondering if I should bring her sooner or if the way she has been talking about her deceased loved ones has just sort of spooked me into thinking she is ready to leave us. She could just be having really lucid dreams? 🤔

I am so relieved she is now out of the hell hole post-acute place! Her oxygen was pretty low and she wasn’t as perky but I think she could feel my energy as I got excited for the transfer. She actually ate all her lunch before we left and I waved to her as they transported her down the hallway lol

At the MC she started to tell me she was in so much pain and that she couldn’t do this and to please, please help her. She was making pained faces and groaning but couldn’t tell me exactly what hurt. The stupid post acute place didn’t give her the Norco for some dumb reason — they ran out?? And my Uncle has reservations about “doping her up” which I understand but I just can’t have my super tough never complains about pain Grandma begging me to help her and do nothing. Luckily, her day nurse was there and saw how much pain she was in and went and got her the Norco as quickly as she could.

While we were waiting for it to kick in it was like she was dreaming and she was talking to her long dead ex-husband by name, telling him she loved him and please, please don’t leave her, with tears in her eyes. I held her hand and tried to comfort her as best as I could. Then the hospice nurse came in and the Norco hit and you could just tell because she finally just relaxed and sat there with her eyes open listening to us talk about her mediations and what the process would be like as the respiratory treatments are no longer effective as her condition is terminal.

There was a resident that kept coming into the room trying to follow the nurse around and it was honestly so cute! She was like a little child and the nurse asked her to wait outside the room for her and she smiles and says okay but I want a turn next! Like my grandma was getting some kind of fun treatment. It kinda made me sad that my grandma can’t even participate on that level. She would have enjoyed it, being such a social butterfly. I am still hoping she comes around a little more so at least I can wheel her out to the common areas. Her vision is still really good and she could read my shirt! The sound of my voice seems to calm soothe her and I am so thankful that with the Norco I was able to settle her back down even as it began to wear off. It was still hard to leave her in the evening but her nurses are so wonderful and put her in her favorite purple nightgown and gave me a final update once I got home.

Seriously, move them before it gets this far along ❤️ Take your time to find the right place. It’s worth every penny! Our family will take the weekend to rest for the first time in months. ❤️

Maybe I am still hopeful that it’s the delirium lifting but she’s been telling people that I visited her and she was in a happy mood and smiling when they came to do the hospice assessment. She is at level 3 for MC and I believe there are 4 stages. I think she qualified for hospice because she also has COPD and pulmonary fibrosis. Plus, a bunch of other things. It’s like her body is just plain worn out. She has started to complain about the neuropathy, oh and she remembered the first three numbers of her address! It’s pretty amazing considering she was talking about dead people and barely responsive to anyone until I got to visit her.

So, she is gonna be transferred on Tuesday and they’ve requested I be there since she’s had such a positive response to me. I am happy to do it & thankful that her hospital bed, wheel chair and what not will all be covered. She owns her oxygen machines so I’ll make sure those get to her & hopefully we can get her glasses sorted out. I’m trying to think of what would be the most helpful personal items to move into her apartment? Her friends want to move in all this furniture and know of some stuff she had wanted to take to assisted living but I am thinking the hospital bed is going to take up a lot of space and she will need the room for the wheelchair since she is bed-bound. Her MC nurse who has been coordinating is so amazing and said she may actually come around and drop down in memory care but she is not sure if she will ever walk again. I was thinking more along the lines of family/friends photos for the walls, favorite blankets, favorite comfortable clothes and maybe a big wall clock or calendar with large letters saying what day/month it is? Does that make sense?

I’m open to suggestions on what seemed to help your LO in a similar situation & how to reign in her friends who would like her to have ALL her things! lol Fingers crossed for a smooth transition…

Grandma might be totally out to lunch but it’s crazy how some things kind of stick around. At least for now. My mom & grandma have bad history going back to her childhood but my Grandma’s friends insisted she visit her mother and try to make peace while she still might recognize family. So I went with her and subsequently, laughed my ass off at her. Sorry, not sorry! lol

So, lunch came and the nurse asked if I wanted to feed grandma or have the nurse do it. I requested the nurse feed her because idk her condition and was afraid she would choke/aspirate. The post-acute won’t tell me any medical information and the place is a hell-hole. The nurse never came so I said fuck it, I will try. Luckily, I have kids so I treated it like feeding a toddler and tried to take our time. Grandma didn’t want the rice, thought the fruit sauce was gross, ate a bite of chicken and some mystery purée that I thought was potatoes but honestly I have no idea. She was chugging water though!!

I am feeding my grandma and commiserating with her over the gross hospital food, talking about her birthday coming up & she is just lighting up and smiling and looking at with me with such adoration. My mom tries talking to her, very nicely, asking her if she wants her to bring her bible and stuff and omg my grandma’s face looks stone cold and she absolutely ignores her with every attempt my mom made so she gave up. My grandma finally tells me she wants apple pie for her birthday & she’s worried about money I think because my birthday is just after hers and we would often celebrate together at a restaurant & she would pay but I told her don’t worry about the money. She also wanted me to make sure that her son (younger than my mom) knew she was fine.

After we left I absolutely lost it when my mom kept trying to explain to my Grandma’s friends and my Uncle Grandma’s reaction to her! Idk why it was so funny to me to see her clear preference. Like what?? My grandma was plenty confused and pissed off at me before she broke her hip so I had to step away & I am like mom, just wait until she remembers why she is mad at me and then you will be the one laughing lol I’m just glad to hear my grandma laugh and see her smile and have an interest in food. For awhile there she thought she was 21 and was talking about her dead husband and brother who have been dead since before I was a kid and when I was little, respectively.

I was able to get her purse when looking for her glasses and going through it omg it was so obvious how much she was struggling before she broke her hip. She didn’t even use a wallet, had a list of important numbers, and her house key attached on the outside of her purse. Completely unlike her. I still remain hopeful that the delirium will lift and she will have a bit more quality to life and more happiness before she leaves us. ❤️

-

So I am not happy with the post-acute facility she is currently in & want to get her moved into a memory care facility. I met up with my Uncle to visit her and the charge nurse there really upset me. We decided to leave and tour a really nice facility and I am hoping that with a warmer more “home-like” environment she will come back a bit from the delirium. 🤞

I brought my grandma a soft blanket since her life-long friend had taken pictures since her return from gallbladder surgery & she just looked in awful shape. Her friend thinks she has given up and didn’t have long. Well, I went to put the blanket under her arm that’s bothering her (she has some swelling, bruises, maybe the beginnings of bedsores there?) and she immediately reacted to my presence. I wasn’t sure she knew who I was so I leaned in and told her, it’s your granddaughter and she said “I know” and pronounced my name PERFECTLY even though she is struggling to speak. Then she started groaning and her face looked like she was in pain and she kept trying to get up and away from the pain. I asked her if she was in pain and she said yes. My Uncle thought maybe she was having a bowl movement but a nurse was supposed to come by with pain medication. I held my grandma’s hand an reassured her that we were going to go find the nurse for her. There wasn’t any call button or anything so I had my Uncle flag down somebody in the hallway. Long story short the charge nurse showed up and was very cold, didn’t make eye contact with me and said in a nutshell she didn’t have to listen to me because I am just the granddaughter. I told her well, my grandma is telling me she is in pain, could you at least check her for me? And she was so flippant & said, “she told you that?” So my Uncle says it’s probably just her bowels but yes please change her. They did so without saying a word to her and ducked out quickly behind us in the hallway. It was just such a cold treatment.

My uncle is upset by this and how they don’t return his calls or communicate his care with him, not even the social worker. So he says come with me to go check this place out and we left to do that. It’s a very nice place and the director was so kind & remembered my grandma’s friends and all these details of our situation so we’re thinking that it’s a good place for her to go. I am visiting again tomorrow with my mother for one more tour and whatever questions she has and figuring out what we have to do.

We then returned to my grandma & my Uncle says the way she is responding to me has been the most anyone has gotten out of her since the gall bladder surgery. She had a broken hip/femur previously and I believe she had dementia before the delirium but she mostly sleeps and wasn’t recognizing people before. Her bed was basically on the floor, I think since she is a fall risk so I squatted really close to her and she told me again she is in pain and kept gesturing to the one side where she had the broken hip & gall bladder surgery and she was trying to say hip. She told me it had been awhile since she broke her hip, it shouldn’t be hurting & I said well it could be from the gallbladder surgery and she said that was a week ago and I was like yeah but grandma, you are old, it takes longer to heal lol! It was nice to see her sass come back. I told her to rest and that me and Uncle were handling the paperwork to get her out of there and into a nice place and she was struggling so hard to use her brain. She attempted to spell out the name of one facility her friend told her about, so basically I just told her ok, don’t worry, Uncle has it handled and to rest up. I told her I love her and she said I love you too. My uncle nearly cried.

I really hope the delirium lifts. I don’t think she will go back to how she was before but I’m hopeful we can at least get her comfortable. It’s so hard to feel so useless in her care! 😞

Nobody has heard from him for a while so I have no idea how he is doing but the alienator wasn’t entirely successful at blocking me from all school communication. Sometimes they randomly send me stuff, ask me to sign off on things or update insurance info, things like that. So, I was going through my emails and saw an email from his high school with a list of materials that needs to be returned before the end of the school year and there is a title of a book that I enjoyed in high school that his dad never would have chosen in a million years.

I’m still smiling about it.

I guess it’s been a fear of mine that my son, despite looking like my literal clone, will turn out to be like his dad. Hearing him parrot his dad’s delusional rants verbatim absolutely stabbed me in the heart & it left a scar where his dad turned on me that I’ll never forget. But here is this little reminder that a piece of me is alive still in my son, despite the alienation, despite his dad trying to squish me out of existence. There is my emotionally sensitive, artistic son, exploring the same topics I did at his age and idk it just made me happy to know he’s still somehow walking his own path, even if it’s in his father’s shadow for now. It gives me hope that he isn’t entirely brainwashed, he’s just scared & trying to find his way and I am gonna be here when he does!!

That’s a pretty awesome Mother’s Day gift, intended or not. :)

I’m taking a coms class and have really struggled with the assignments where we’re analyzing body language. I just had to watch a TEDtalk on lie spotting and I realized how much I suck at that too. Generally, I take what people say at face value and tend to be a very blunt person.

I was also talking to my mom about how I didn’t get the sort of bullying by her mother that she and my sister experienced. I figure it’s because I didn’t react and so it wasn’t enjoyable for her to bother with. That, or I was entirely oblivious so it wasn’t as hurtful. I really have to be pushed far before I have a meltdown and everyone says my anger/reaction comes out of nowhere like I am a psycho lol and of course, I am like nooooo YOU are the weirdos — I am perfectly normal! :P

It’s funny too because today my mom and my Uncle were going through my Grandmothers things that have become a mess due to her dementia & apparently I had the same exact reaction he did to it and he always says he and I have Asperger’s lol

Idk man, shit on my mind tonight & I can’t sleep 🤷‍♀️