u/RubyMabel

For as long as I can remember—since I was just four years old—I have known deep down in my soul that I am a girl. Being a transgender woman is not a choice, a phase, or a fetish; it is my absolute truth. Born into a male body shaped by the wrong biological signals— all because of an incessant SRY gene—my identity as a woman still has always been real and undeniable; proven by associations, institutes, medical scientists, psychologists, sociologists, and researchers. Yet for decades, I was forced to navigate a world that refused to see me for who I truly am.

Growing up in a toxic, narcissistic family meant living in an environment designed to make me feel worthless, unsafe, and invisible. They expected me to be nobody and have nothing in life. When I tried to speak my truth as a child, nobody genuinely listened. Instead, people brushed my feelings aside, insisting I was just "homosexual" and telling me I couldn't be a girl. Looking back, it feels like a deliberate effort to suppress my authentic self to serve their own hidden agendas and maintain their control over my life.

At 26, I took my life into my own hands and finally began my male-to-female transition. But ever since I turned 27, I have been met with relentless medical gatekeeping and overwhelming financial barriers blocking my access to bottom surgery. Feminizing surgeries are not cosmetic luxuries—they are medically necessary, lifesaving healthcare required to align my body with my mind. Living without access to the care I need to feel complete has been an agonizing fight.

Now, at 34 years old, I am carrying eight long years of built-up trauma and grief from being kept away from the care I need. When the weight of this gatekeeping became too heavy, the people I trusted most—including former friends and even a therapist I confided in—abandoned me when I got upset. Instead of recognizing my pain, they weaponized my emotional distress against me. They labeled my valid anger and frustration as "mental instability," "paranoia," and "anger issues," claiming I was just overreacting or seeking attention. Being gaslit and cast aside for having a normal reaction to systemic neglect has made me terrified to be vulnerable or ask for help.

I am exhausted from being made to feel like my life is a waste of time or that I am a worthless burden. All I ever want is a chance at a better, happier life: to be fully transitioned into the feminine woman I am, surrounded by people who genuinely love, cherish, and take care of me with support, gifts, allowances, and kindness. I deserve an environment where I am celebrated, spoken to with warmth and understanding, and finally be allowed to feel safe and healed as my true self as the woman I always been.

For as long as I can remember—since I was just four years old—I have known deep down in my soul that I am a girl. Being a transgender woman is not a choice, a phase, or a fetish; it is my absolute truth. Born into a male body shaped by the wrong biological signals— all because of an incessant SRY gene—my identity as a woman still has always been real and undeniable; proven by associations, institutes, medical scientists, psychologists, sociologists, and researchers. Yet for decades, I was forced to navigate a world that refused to see me for who I truly am.

Growing up in a toxic, narcissistic family meant living in an environment designed to make me feel worthless, unsafe, and invisible. They expected me to be nobody and have nothing in life. When I tried to speak my truth as a child, nobody genuinely listened. Instead, people brushed my feelings aside, insisting I was just "homosexual" and telling me I couldn't be a girl. Looking back, it feels like a deliberate effort to suppress my authentic self to serve their own hidden agendas and maintain their control over my life.

At 26, I took my life into my own hands and finally began my male-to-female transition. But ever since I turned 27, I have been met with relentless medical gatekeeping and overwhelming financial barriers blocking my access to bottom surgery. Feminizing surgeries are not cosmetic luxuries—they are medically necessary, lifesaving healthcare required to align my body with my mind. Living without access to the care I need to feel complete has been an agonizing fight.

Now, at 34 years old, I am carrying eight long years of built-up trauma and grief from being kept away from the care I need. When the weight of this gatekeeping became too heavy, the people I trusted most—including former friends and even a therapist I confided in—abandoned me when I got upset. Instead of recognizing my pain, they weaponized my emotional distress against me. They labeled my valid anger and frustration as "mental instability," "paranoia," and "anger issues," claiming I was just overreacting or seeking attention. Being gaslit and cast aside for having a normal reaction to systemic neglect has made me terrified to be vulnerable or ask for help.

I am exhausted from being made to feel like my life is a waste of time or that I am a worthless burden. All I ever want is a chance at a better, happier life: to be fully transitioned into the feminine woman I am, surrounded by people who genuinely love, cherish, and take care of me with support, gifts, allowances, and kindness. I deserve an environment where I am celebrated, spoken to with warmth and understanding, and finally be allowed to feel safe and healed as my true self as the woman I always been.

For as long as I can remember—since I was just four years old—I have known deep down in my soul that I am a girl. Being a transgender woman is not a choice, a phase, or a fetish; it is my absolute truth. Born into a male body shaped by the wrong biological signals— all because of an incessant SRY gene—my identity as a woman still has always been real and undeniable; proven by associations, institutes, medical scientists, psychologists, sociologists, and researchers. Yet for decades, I was forced to navigate a world that refused to see me for who I truly am.

Growing up in a toxic, narcissistic family meant living in an environment designed to make me feel worthless, unsafe, and invisible. They expected me to be nobody and have nothing in life. When I tried to speak my truth as a child, nobody genuinely listened. Instead, people brushed my feelings aside, insisting I was just "homosexual" and telling me I couldn't be a girl. Looking back, it feels like a deliberate effort to suppress my authentic self to serve their own hidden agendas and maintain their control over my life.

At 26, I took my life into my own hands and finally began my male-to-female transition. But ever since I turned 27, I have been met with relentless medical gatekeeping and overwhelming financial barriers blocking my access to bottom surgery. Feminizing surgeries are not cosmetic luxuries—they are medically necessary, lifesaving healthcare required to align my body with my mind. Living without access to the care I need to feel complete has been an agonizing fight.

Now, at 34 years old, I am carrying eight long years of built-up trauma and grief from being kept away from the care I need. When the weight of this gatekeeping became too heavy, the people I trusted most—including former friends and even a therapist I confided in—abandoned me when I got upset. Instead of recognizing my pain, they weaponized my emotional distress against me. They labeled my valid anger and frustration as "mental instability," "paranoia," and "anger issues," claiming I was just overreacting or seeking attention. Being gaslit and cast aside for having a normal reaction to systemic neglect has made me terrified to be vulnerable or ask for help.

I am exhausted from being made to feel like my life is a waste of time or that I am a worthless burden. All I ever want is a chance at a better, happier life: to be fully transitioned into the feminine woman I am, surrounded by people who genuinely love, cherish, and take care of me with support, gifts, allowances, and kindness. I deserve an environment where I am celebrated, spoken to with warmth and understanding, and finally be allowed to feel safe and healed as my true self as the woman I always been.

For as long as I can remember—since I was just four years old—I have known deep down in my soul that I am a girl. Being a transgender woman is not a choice, a phase, or a fetish; it is my absolute truth. Born into a male body shaped by the wrong biological signals— all because of an incessant SRY gene—my identity as a woman still has always been real and undeniable; proven by associations, institutes, medical scientists, psychologists, sociologists, and researchers. Yet for decades, I was forced to navigate a world that refused to see me for who I truly am.

Growing up in a toxic, narcissistic family meant living in an environment designed to make me feel worthless, unsafe, and invisible. They expected me to be nobody and have nothing in life. When I tried to speak my truth as a child, nobody genuinely listened. Instead, people brushed my feelings aside, insisting I was just "homosexual" and telling me I couldn't be a girl. Looking back, it feels like a deliberate effort to suppress my authentic self to serve their own hidden agendas and maintain their control over my life.

At 26, I took my life into my own hands and finally began my male-to-female transition. But ever since I turned 27, I have been met with relentless medical gatekeeping and overwhelming financial barriers blocking my access to bottom surgery. Feminizing surgeries are not cosmetic luxuries—they are medically necessary, lifesaving healthcare required to align my body with my mind. Living without access to the care I need to feel complete has been an agonizing fight.

Now, at 34 years old, I am carrying eight long years of built-up trauma and grief from being kept away from the care I need. When the weight of this gatekeeping became too heavy, the people I trusted most—including former friends and even a therapist I confided in—abandoned me when I got upset. Instead of recognizing my pain, they weaponized my emotional distress against me. They labeled my valid anger and frustration as "mental instability," "paranoia," and "anger issues," claiming I was just overreacting or seeking attention. Being gaslit and cast aside for having a normal reaction to systemic neglect has made me terrified to be vulnerable or ask for help.

I am exhausted from being made to feel like my life is a waste of time or that I am a worthless burden. All I ever want is a chance at a better, happier life: to be fully transitioned into the feminine woman I am, surrounded by people who genuinely love, cherish, and take care of me with support, gifts, allowances, and kindness. I deserve an environment where I am celebrated, spoken to with warmth and understanding, and finally be allowed to feel safe and healed as my true self as the woman I always been.

I remember back in 2019 and 2020, I had a SD and a few friends that used to give me gifts and allowances.. it was like I was finally being understood and loved the way I always wanted to be. But then, it got different when I moved to my own apartment in 2022, I moved away from my toxic covertly abusive family and I felt better than I ever had in my whole life. I was confident, I had money ($100-$200 from each supportive people) and also gifts that made me happy with, and I felt like my life was finally getting better to the point I was crying tears of joy.. But things started getting messed up in 2023.. someone took my white miniature poodle, and nobody knows what happened to him when I trusted my brother to take care of him, and weirdly when I called, my brother was “busy” playing fortnight. So my mom’s neighbor said they let him go and gave my mom $700 and tried to give me alcohol when I don’t even drink. I was so depressed, friends and my previous SD left me… Then, one time in 2024, my mom wanted me to pick up my sister from work and I didn’t have a drivers license, I still did it and when I turned someone still crossed and I accidentally hit their car. Weirdly, everyone was quick to say it was my fault and my mom and sister tried to tell me “don’t tell the cops she let you use her suv, say you just took it” but I still told the cops the truth and shown them the text where my mom told me to pick up my sister from her work, then I found out I could have been arrested for grand theft auto or joyriding if i wouldn’t have told the cops my mom told me to pick up my sister! Oddly, my mom’s boyfriend still picked her up after the accident too! I had to do months of mannish labor for my mom just so she’ll help me pay the fine I had from the accident which messed with my mental health, then in 2025, my very own previous therapist acted like I was going crazy and have anger issues from all I went through, and she flat out gave up on me!! She tried to disguise it as concern saying she thought I need a higher level of care and it’s for everyone’s safety! I haven’t had a therapist since oct 2025!! Friends even stopped being interested in me and I feel lonely!! Is some kind of thing going on here in Arizona? Because you know what’s suspicious most of all? Is when I was a teenager, my toxic family members always tried to say I’ll be broke and homeless and end up in a mental institution and be a nobody in life, yet I got my own apartment and had genuine connections that made me feel important and loved, then things got worse after that?! Can’t anyone understand why I would think something seems suspicious all these years instead of trying to dismiss me as being paranoid or overreacting?! Like, it seems like classic covert narcissistic abuse and psychological abuse against me on a state wide scale— for what though?? For wanting a better happier fulfilling life and made it happen before things went wrong in 2023?? Is there hope for me to find connections that can save me and take care of me again?? Or was it just a tease??

remember back in 2019 and 2020, I had a SD and a few friends that used to give me gifts and allowances.. it was like I was finally being understood and loved the way I always wanted to be. But then, it got different when I moved to my own apartment in 2022, I moved away from my toxic covertly abusive family and I felt better than I ever had in my whole life. I was confident, I had money and gifts people made me happy with, and I felt like my life was finally getting better to the point I was crying tears of joy.. But things started getting messed up in 2023.. someone took my white miniature poodle, and nobody knows what happened to him when I trusted my brother to take care of him, and weirdly when I called, my brother was “busy” playing fortnight. So my mom’s neighbor said they let him go and gave my mom $700 and tried to give me alcohol when I don’t even drink. I was so depressed, friends and my previous SD left me… Then, one time in 2024, my mom wanted me to pick up my sister from work and I didn’t have a drivers license, I still did it and when I turned someone still crossed and I accidentally hit their car. Weirdly, everyone was quick to say it was my fault and my mom and sister tried to tell me “don’t tell the cops she let you use her suv, say you just took it” but I still told the cops the truth and shown them the text where my mom told me to pick up my sister from her work, then I found out I could have been arrested for grand theft auto or joyriding if i wouldn’t have told the cops my mom told me to pick up my sister! Oddly, my mom’s boyfriend still picked her up after the accident too! I had to do months of mannish labor for my mom just so she’ll help me pay the fine I had from the accident which messed with my mental health, then in 2025, my very own previous therapist acted like I was going crazy and have anger issues from all I went through, and she flat out gave up on me!! She tried to disguise it as concern saying she thought I need a higher level of care and it’s for everyone’s safety! I haven’t had a therapist since oct 2025!! Some Friends even stopped being interested in me and I feel lonely!! Is some kind of thing going on here in Arizona? Because you know what’s suspicious most of all? Is when I was a teenager, my toxic family members always tried to say I’ll be broke and homeless and end up in a mental institution and be a nobody in life, yet I got my own apartment and had genuine connections that made me feel important and loved, then things got worse after that?! Can’t anyone understand why I would think something seems suspicious all these years instead of trying to dismiss me as being paranoid or overreacting?! Like, it seems like classic covert narcissistic abuse and psychological abuse against me on a state wide scale— for what though?? For wanting a better happier fulfilling life and made it happen before things went wrong in 2023?? Is there hope for me to find connections that can save me and take care of me again?? Or was it just a tease??

remember back in 2019 and 2020, I had a SD and a few friends that used to give me gifts and allowances.. it was like I was finally being understood and loved the way I always wanted to be. But then, it got different when I moved to my own apartment in 2022, I moved away from my toxic covertly abusive family and I felt better than I ever had in my whole life. I was confident, I had money and gifts people made me happy with, and I felt like my life was finally getting better to the point I was crying tears of joy.. But things started getting messed up in 2023.. someone took my white miniature poodle, and nobody knows what happened to him when I trusted my brother to take care of him, and weirdly when I called, my brother was “busy” playing fortnight. So my mom’s neighbor said they let him go and gave my mom $700 and tried to give me alcohol when I don’t even drink. I was so depressed, friends and my previous SD left me… Then, one time in 2024, my mom wanted me to pick up my sister from work and I didn’t have a drivers license, I still did it and when I turned someone still crossed and I accidentally hit their car. Weirdly, everyone was quick to say it was my fault and my mom and sister tried to tell me “don’t tell the cops she let you use her suv, say you just took it” but I still told the cops the truth and shown them the text where my mom told me to pick up my sister from her work, then I found out I could have been arrested for grand theft auto or joyriding if i wouldn’t have told the cops my mom told me to pick up my sister! Oddly, my mom’s boyfriend still picked her up after the accident too! I had to do months of mannish labor for my mom just so she’ll help me pay the fine I had from the accident which messed with my mental health, then in 2025, my very own previous therapist acted like I was going crazy and have anger issues from all I went through, and she flat out gave up on me!! She tried to disguise it as concern saying she thought I need a higher level of care and it’s for everyone’s safety! I haven’t had a therapist since oct 2025!! Some Friends even stopped being interested in me and I feel lonely!! Is some kind of thing going on here in Arizona? Because you know what’s suspicious most of all? Is when I was a teenager, my toxic family members always tried to say I’ll be broke and homeless and end up in a mental institution and be a nobody in life, yet I got my own apartment and had genuine connections that made me feel important and loved, then things got worse after that?! Can’t anyone understand why I would think something seems suspicious all these years instead of trying to dismiss me as being paranoid or overreacting?! Like, it seems like classic covert narcissistic abuse and psychological abuse against me on a state wide scale— for what though?? For wanting a better happier fulfilling life and made it happen before things went wrong in 2023?? Is there hope for me to find connections that can save me and take care of me again?? Or was it just a tease??

remember back in 2019 and 2020, I had a SD and a few friends that used to give me gifts and allowances.. it was like I was finally being understood and loved the way I always wanted to be. But then, it got different when I moved to my own apartment in 2022, I moved away from my toxic covertly abusive family and I felt better than I ever had in my whole life. I was confident, I had money and gifts people made me happy with, and I felt like my life was finally getting better to the point I was crying tears of joy.. But things started getting messed up in 2023.. someone took my white miniature poodle, and nobody knows what happened to him when I trusted my brother to take care of him, and weirdly when I called, my brother was “busy” playing fortnight. So my mom’s neighbor said they let him go and gave my mom $700 and tried to give me alcohol when I don’t even drink. I was so depressed, friends and my previous SD left me… Then, one time in 2024, my mom wanted me to pick up my sister from work and I didn’t have a drivers license, I still did it and when I turned someone still crossed and I accidentally hit their car. Weirdly, everyone was quick to say it was my fault and my mom and sister tried to tell me “don’t tell the cops she let you use her suv, say you just took it” but I still told the cops the truth and shown them the text where my mom told me to pick up my sister from her work, then I found out I could have been arrested for grand theft auto or joyriding if i wouldn’t have told the cops my mom told me to pick up my sister! Oddly, my mom’s boyfriend still picked her up after the accident too! I had to do months of mannish labor for my mom just so she’ll help me pay the fine I had from the accident which messed with my mental health, then in 2025, my very own previous therapist acted like I was going crazy and have anger issues from all I went through, and she flat out gave up on me!! She tried to disguise it as concern saying she thought I need a higher level of care and it’s for everyone’s safety! I haven’t had a therapist since oct 2025!! Some Friends even stopped being interested in me and I feel lonely!! Is some kind of thing going on here in Arizona? Because you know what’s suspicious most of all? Is when I was a teenager, my toxic family members always tried to say I’ll be broke and homeless and end up in a mental institution and be a nobody in life, yet I got my own apartment and had genuine connections that made me feel important and loved, then things got worse after that?! Can’t anyone understand why I would think something seems suspicious all these years instead of trying to dismiss me as being paranoid or overreacting?! Like, it seems like classic covert narcissistic abuse and psychological abuse against me on a state wide scale— for what though?? For wanting a better happier fulfilling life and made it happen before things went wrong in 2023?? Is there hope for me to find connections that can save me and take care of me again?? Or was it just a tease??

remember back in 2019 and 2020, I had a SD and a few friends that used to give me gifts and allowances.. it was like I was finally being understood and loved the way I always wanted to be. But then, it got different when I moved to my own apartment in 2022, I moved away from my toxic covertly abusive family and I felt better than I ever had in my whole life. I was confident, I had money and gifts people made me happy with, and I felt like my life was finally getting better to the point I was crying tears of joy.. But things started getting messed up in 2023.. someone took my white miniature poodle, and nobody knows what happened to him when I trusted my brother to take care of him, and weirdly when I called, my brother was “busy” playing fortnight. So my mom’s neighbor said they let him go and gave my mom $700 and tried to give me alcohol when I don’t even drink. I was so depressed, friends and my previous SD left me… Then, one time in 2024, my mom wanted me to pick up my sister from work and I didn’t have a drivers license, I still did it and when I turned someone still crossed and I accidentally hit their car. Weirdly, everyone was quick to say it was my fault and my mom and sister tried to tell me “don’t tell the cops she let you use her suv, say you just took it” but I still told the cops the truth and shown them the text where my mom told me to pick up my sister from her work, then I found out I could have been arrested for grand theft auto or joyriding if i wouldn’t have told the cops my mom told me to pick up my sister! Oddly, my mom’s boyfriend still picked her up after the accident too! I had to do months of mannish labor for my mom just so she’ll help me pay the fine I had from the accident which messed with my mental health, then in 2025, my very own previous therapist acted like I was going crazy and have anger issues from all I went through, and she flat out gave up on me!! She tried to disguise it as concern saying she thought I need a higher level of care and it’s for everyone’s safety! I haven’t had a therapist since oct 2025!! Some friends even stopped being interested in me and I feel lonely!! Is some kind of thing going on here in Arizona? Because you know what’s suspicious most of all? Is when I was a teenager, my toxic family members always tried to say I’ll be broke and homeless and end up in a mental institution and be a nobody in life, yet I got my own apartment and had genuine connections that made me feel important and loved, then things got worse after that?! Can’t anyone understand why I would think something seems suspicious all these years instead of trying to dismiss me as being paranoid or overreacting?! Like, it seems like classic covert narcissistic abuse and psychological abuse against me on a state wide scale— for what though?? For wanting a better happier fulfilling life and made it happen before things went wrong in 2023?? Is there hope for me to find connections that can save me and take care of me again?? Or was it just a tease??

I’m scared to post this because I don’t want people thinking I want to just give up on my life and don’t want anyone thinking I don’t appreciate good things in my life.. Anyway, I’m a transwoman and I’m 34 years old, yet since 4 years old, I’ve been known im a girl and tried on girl clothes secretly because if I was caught wearing girl clothing as a kid and teenager, I’d get ridiculed and physically abused. It didn’t help psychotic manipulative people were lying to me in my whole childhood by saying I couldn’t be a girl and trying to misrepresent me as a gay dude.. they even made me waste 3 or 4 years on probation for theft I didn’t even do when I was only 19 years old.. then i started my medical transition to female at 26 years old, and I got happy and liked by more people socially connecting to me and love myself more. I started feeling like there was hope for me and my life does matter.. and i felt like God or the Universe truly loves me because I found out I was always meant to get feminizing surgeries and medical/social interventions/support, proven by countless associations, institutes, psychologists, scientists, and doctors decades before I was born! but by the time I was 33 and tried to get feminizing surgeries, some narcissistic psychopaths tried to make me look like I’m the negative things they are as a smear campaign against me. Saying I’m mentally unstable, bitter, crazy, difficult to deal with, negative, pessimistic, blaming others for my problems, “need help”, manipulative, and basically just a nobody.. Anyway, the way I see it, is I might as well just die if I can’t be healed as fully transitioned into the female I always been, especially since I’m mocked and ostracized. I just wanted a better fulfilling life where I’m fully transitioned into female and cherished and celebrated for everything I do and for everything that makes me who I am as the talented, kind, caring, beautiful woman I am. I miss feeling safe and appreciated enough to be able to be the girl I am… Don’t get me wrong, I have lots of friends and some professionals who all support me as the girl I am and I truly appreciate it all, and that’s what helps me stay.. But I’m just wondering if there’s still a chance to make my quality of life more better and happier.

I’m scared to post this because I don’t want people thinking I want to just give up on my life and don’t want anyone thinking I don’t appreciate good things in my life.. Anyway, I’m a transwoman and I’m 34 years old, yet since 4 years old, I’ve been known im a girl and tried on girl clothes secretly because if I was caught wearing girl clothing as a kid and teenager, I’d get ridiculed and physically abused. It didn’t help psychotic manipulative people were lying to me in my whole childhood by saying I couldn’t be a girl and trying to misrepresent me as a gay dude.. they even made me waste 3 or 4 years on probation for theft I didn’t even do when I was only 19 years old.. then i started my medical transition to female at 26 years old, and I got happy and liked by more people socially connecting to me and love myself more. I started feeling like there was hope for me and my life does matter.. and i felt like God or the Universe truly loves me because I found out I was always meant to get feminizing surgeries and medical/social interventions/support, proven by countless associations, institutes, psychologists, scientists, and doctors decades before I was born! but by the time I was 33 and tried to get feminizing surgeries, some narcissistic psychopaths tried to make me look like I’m the negative things they are as a smear campaign against me. Saying I’m mentally unstable, bitter, crazy, difficult to deal with, negative, pessimistic, blaming others for my problems, “need help”, manipulative, and basically just a nobody.. Anyway, the way I see it, is I might as well just die if I can’t be healed as fully transitioned into the female I always been, especially since I’m mocked and ostracized. I just wanted a better fulfilling life where I’m fully transitioned into female and cherished and celebrated for everything I do and for everything that makes me who I am as the talented, kind, caring, beautiful woman I am. I miss feeling safe and appreciated enough to be able to be the girl I am… Don’t get me wrong, I have lots of friends and some professionals who all support me as the girl I am and I truly appreciate it all, and that’s what helps me stay.. But I’m just wondering if there’s still a chance to make my quality of life more better and happier.

I’m a transwoman, and I’m extremely passable and small and petite so it’s like it’s meant to be that I’m a girl. But I still haven’t had any feminizing surgeries and been wanting them for years.. I’m just gonna kill myself if I don’t get surgery in a few years, because I been wanting surgery since 2011 and look at the year now! People think I’m crazy and mentally ill and think I’m trying to manipulate people by saying I’ll kill myself if I don’t become the girl I want to be, yet I’ve attempted suicide numerous times from not being a girl before transitioning and from not having surgery, and it still doesn’t get the point across to people that I am just so fed up with life because it’s just a waste of time and nobody wants to help and rather see me dead or locked up in a psych ward so the toxic narcissistic jerks that always speak negative incantations over my life can act like they tried to help when they made things worse from withholding surgery and discredit and blame me by saying I ruined it myself especially if I killed myself! I am tired beyond explanation of dealing with this hopelessness and I get discouraged when I try to explain because it’s like nobody listens or even cares! They act like I want to stay depressed and hate myself when that’s not the case! That’s why I transitioned to female in the first place to be happy, hopeful, and authentic in my life but people don’t seem to get the idea!!

It’s hard for me to post this because I feel scared of people’s reactions cause I feel like some people think I’m annoying and negative.. i just feel traumatized, trapped, and hopeless.. I’ve known I’m a girl since I was a 4 year old in 1996 and that’s why I been #TransitioningToFemale since 2017, and being a girl saved my life and made me more happier and confident, that’s why I been wanting the #FeminizingGenderAffirmingSurgeries since 2011 and tried to explain so many times in 2018 to the present year 2026 that the feminizing surgeries will improve my mental health, keep me alive, and make me feel physically more like the girl I’ve always been mentally.. it’s so overwhelming because some I trusted to help me throughout those years like 3 previous therapists and 2 transgender support groups given up on me and left me because they thought I had mental issues from how it affected me not yet having surgery, when I trusted them to help me with improving my mental state and feel included.. I can’t function sometimes and it’s not that I’m lazy, it’s just that it’s so overwhelming to the point that I get unmotivated, because this has gone on for so long and I feel like I’m just overlooked and unsafe sometimes.. Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of things I’m grateful for and I appreciate everyone that supports me who all treats me like the girl I am. it’s just that I feel so emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausted that I’m starting to wonder if my existence is pointless and I just don’t want to grow up without surgery ending up bitter, lonely, and end up being another statistic taking my own life… I love myself and love how I naturally have resemblances to the fictional characters I know I have resemblances to; and I just always wanted to be seen, loved, respected, wanted, and cherished for being the girl I am since I was a teenager.. Other girls and other #transgirls get that, so why does it seem like i don’t as much? It’s not that I’m comparing my life to theirs, I get everyone’s journey in life is different, but I sometimes feel invalidated and exceedingly hurt.. i still show up in life and still gratefully cherish every positive thing and every supportive person in my life, but it’s just that I can’t take this ongoing traumatic experience of not received feminizing surgeries yet, cause it makes me constantly feel hyper-vigilant and always wonder what positive experiences in life am i missing out on that would’ve happened from getting the feminizing surgeries.. I just want to be understood and valued and treated like a special woman who deserves the best in life being celebrated for being the girl I am… I never wanted it to get to the point where I’m angrily ranting online and mocked by random transphobic strangers online trying to manipulate me into thinking I’m not the girl I know I am… i just want a happier life and become a confident sexier woman more than i already am and get more attention from more people who want me to thrive, evolve, glow up by being feminized and sexualized, and of course want me to be happy… It’s my life, and I deserve to live and be how I want. Especially if life is short and time moves fast.. I truly don’t want to feel like my existence doesn’t matter anymore.. I never wanted to feel that way, that’s one of the many reasons why I transitioned into female in the first place. I’m tired beyond explanation of worrying about my future and wondering if the pain will end… I’m sorry this is such a long paragraph, I just had to get all this off my chest and also want to see if more people will uplift me with positive comments and show me I matter by reassuring me that there’s still hope for me.

#MinorityMentalHealthAwarenessMonth
#Transwoman

It’s hard for me to post this because I feel scared of people’s reactions cause I feel like some people think I’m annoying and negative.. i just feel traumatized, trapped, and hopeless.. I’ve known I’m a girl since I was a 4 year old in 1996 and that’s why I been #TransitioningToFemale since 2017, and being a girl saved my life and made me more happier and confident, that’s why I been wanting the #FeminizingGenderAffirmingSurgeries since 2011 and tried to explain so many times in 2018 to the present year 2026 that the feminizing surgeries will improve my mental health, keep me alive, and make me feel physically more like the girl I’ve always been mentally.. it’s so overwhelming because some I trusted to help me throughout those years like 3 previous therapists and 2 transgender support groups given up on me and left me because they thought I had mental issues from how it affected me not yet having surgery, when I trusted them to help me with improving my mental state and feel included.. I can’t function sometimes and it’s not that I’m lazy, it’s just that it’s so overwhelming to the point that I get unmotivated, because this has gone on for so long and I feel like I’m just overlooked and unsafe sometimes.. Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of things I’m grateful for and I appreciate everyone that supports me who all treats me like the girl I am. it’s just that I feel so emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausted that I’m starting to wonder if my existence is pointless and I just don’t want to grow up without surgery ending up bitter, lonely, and end up being another statistic taking my own life… I love myself and love how I naturally have resemblances to the fictional characters I know I have resemblances to; and I just always wanted to be seen, loved, respected, wanted, and cherished for being the girl I am since I was a teenager.. Other girls and other #transgirls get that, so why does it seem like i don’t as much? It’s not that I’m comparing my life to theirs, I get everyone’s journey in life is different, but I sometimes feel invalidated and exceedingly hurt.. i still show up in life and still gratefully cherish every positive thing and every supportive person in my life, but it’s just that I can’t take this ongoing traumatic experience of not received feminizing surgeries yet, cause it makes me constantly feel hyper-vigilant and always wonder what positive experiences in life am i missing out on that would’ve happened from getting the feminizing surgeries.. I just want to be understood and valued and treated like a special woman who deserves the best in life being celebrated for being the girl I am… I never wanted it to get to the point where I’m angrily ranting online and mocked by random transphobic strangers online trying to manipulate me into thinking I’m not the girl I know I am… i just want a happier life and become a confident sexier woman more than i already am and get more attention from more people who want me to thrive, evolve, glow up by being feminized and sexualized, and of course want me to be happy… It’s my life, and I deserve to live and be how I want. Especially if life is short and time moves fast.. I truly don’t want to feel like my existence doesn’t matter anymore.. I never wanted to feel that way, that’s one of the many reasons why I transitioned into female in the first place. I’m tired beyond explanation of worrying about my future and wondering if the pain will end… I’m sorry this is such a long paragraph, I just had to get all this off my chest and also want to see if more people will uplift me with positive comments and show me I matter by reassuring me that there’s still hope for me.

#MinorityMentalHealthAwarenessMonth
#Transwoman

It’s hard for me to post this because I feel scared of people’s reactions cause I feel like some people think I’m annoying and negative.. i just feel traumatized, trapped, and hopeless.. I’ve known I’m a girl since I was a 4 year old in 1996 and that’s why I been #TransitioningToFemale since 2017, and being a girl saved my life and made me more happier and confident, that’s why I been wanting the #FeminizingGenderAffirmingSurgeries since 2011 and tried to explain so many times in 2018 to the present year 2026 that the feminizing surgeries will improve my mental health, keep me alive, and make me feel physically more like the girl I’ve always been mentally.. it’s so overwhelming because some I trusted to help me throughout those years like 3 previous therapists and 2 transgender support groups given up on me and left me because they thought I had mental issues from how it affected me not yet having surgery, when I trusted them to help me with improving my mental state and feel included.. I can’t function sometimes and it’s not that I’m lazy, it’s just that it’s so overwhelming to the point that I get unmotivated, because this has gone on for so long and I feel like I’m just overlooked and unsafe sometimes.. Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of things I’m grateful for and I appreciate everyone that supports me who all treats me like the girl I am. it’s just that I feel so emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausted that I’m starting to wonder if my existence is pointless and I just don’t want to grow up without surgery ending up bitter, lonely, and end up being another statistic taking my own life… I love myself and love how I naturally have resemblances to the fictional characters I know I have resemblances to; and I just always wanted to be seen, loved, respected, wanted, and cherished for being the girl I am since I was a teenager.. Other girls and other #transgirls get that, so why does it seem like i don’t as much? It’s not that I’m comparing my life to theirs, I get everyone’s journey in life is different, but I sometimes feel invalidated and exceedingly hurt.. i still show up in life and still gratefully cherish every positive thing and every supportive person in my life, but it’s just that I can’t take this ongoing traumatic experience of not received feminizing surgeries yet, cause it makes me constantly feel hyper-vigilant and always wonder what positive experiences in life am i missing out on that would’ve happened from getting the feminizing surgeries.. I just want to be understood and valued and treated like a special woman who deserves the best in life being celebrated for being the girl I am… I never wanted it to get to the point where I’m angrily ranting online and mocked by random transphobic strangers online trying to manipulate me into thinking I’m not the girl I know I am… i just want a happier life and become a confident sexier woman more than i already am and get more attention from more people who want me to thrive, evolve, glow up by being feminized and sexualized, and of course want me to be happy… It’s my life, and I deserve to live and be how I want. Especially if life is short and time moves fast.. I truly don’t want to feel like my existence doesn’t matter anymore.. I never wanted to feel that way, that’s one of the many reasons why I transitioned into female in the first place. I’m tired beyond explanation of worrying about my future and wondering if the pain will end… I’m sorry this is such a long paragraph, I just had to get all this off my chest and also want to see if more people will uplift me with positive comments and show me I matter by reassuring me that there’s still hope for me.

#MinorityMentalHealthAwarenessMonth
#Transwoman

I’m a worthless transwoman, especially since I haven’t had bottom surgery.. let me make clear, I always had and still have all the symptoms of gender dysphoria because I know being a woman is best for me, but I felt like dying since 13 and im 34 now and it’s just seems like maybe dying is best for me because I try to get help and try to find people who care about me, but hardly anyone does and I just feel like if I’m ignored and unimportant to the point I haven’t fully transitioned to female and no one at all emphasizes with my pain and likely from some narcissistic toxic Karens or manchildren discrediting me and making me look like a horrible person with a even worse personality that never deserves happiness and love, then I decided dying is best for me because my life obviously doesn’t matter at all!!

I don't know what i'm doing wrong.. i thought i finally had a happier positive life around last year, but i think it was all to tease and torment me.. i was so happy, so confident, and it was like everything in every area of my life was finally working out in the best ways.. Then everything just had to fall apart last year starting around Summertime when i lost a therapist and got kicked out from some transgender support groups on Facebook last year and one in Arizona just a month ago, and it was like my mental health was weaponized against me so i look like i'm mentally unstable, so negative, and always whining about things going wrong.. i lost confidence, lost hope, and feel so alone.. there are some people that still support me and help me feel better, and i truly appreciate them all. But i still sometimes feel like i'm somehow still not good enough and people think i'm a burden.. one person who betrayed me last month even said i was trying to guilt trip and manipulate others when i was feeling so sad and hurt; it made me feel unheard, discredited, and unlovable... recently, it's like i'm just living in constant fear, neglecting my looks (not because i don't respect myself, but because i feel like my identity ends up being questioned/challenged by some people which makes me feel hopeless), chronic exhaustion, isolating myself in my apartment, having brain fog, feeling unseen, feeling like love is conditional, and also feeling like my life isn't as important as i thought... I don't want to die, I just wish I can just be good enough to have a life where i can laugh loudly, be seen completely, and be constantly celebrated in consistent ways where every achievement i make is amplified and every step i make forward is acknowledged. I feel so powerless and I miss feeling like my life matters...

I don't know what i'm doing wrong.. i thought i finally had a happier positive life around last year, but i think it was all to tease and torment me.. i was so happy, so confident, and it was like everything in every area of my life was finally working out in the best ways.. Then everything just had to fall apart last year starting around Summertime when i lost a therapist and got kicked out from some transgender support groups on Facebook last year and one in Arizona just a month ago, and it was like my mental health was weaponized against me so i look like i'm mentally unstable, so negative, and always whining about things going wrong.. i lost confidence, lost hope, and feel so alone.. there are some people that still support me and help me feel better, and i truly appreciate them all. But i still sometimes feel like i'm somehow still not good enough and people think i'm a burden.. one person who betrayed me last month even said i was trying to guilt trip and manipulate others when i was feeling so sad and hurt; it made me feel unheard, discredited, and unlovable... recently, it's like i'm just living in constant fear, neglecting my looks (not because i don't respect myself, but because i feel like my identity ends up being questioned/challenged by some people which makes me feel hopeless), chronic exhaustion, isolating myself in my apartment, having brain fog, feeling unseen, feeling like love is conditional, and also feeling like my life isn't as important as i thought... I don't want to die, I just wish I can just be good enough to have a life where i can laugh loudly, be seen completely, and be constantly celebrated in consistent ways where every achievement i make is amplified and every step i make forward is acknowledged. I feel so powerless and I miss feeling like my life matters...