u/Safe_Use3325

My dating journey so far:

Late 2024, I was dating Muslims. I use the term "dating" loosely as I've never made it to the relationship stage 😭 Back then, I accepted that I was going to marry a Muslim guy and fake being practicing. I was willing to fake pray and carry on living my double life after marriage. After meeting Muslim men, I realised they are just pervy misogynists who will definitely turn religious after marriage. The first guy I fell really hard for actually violently threatened to hurt me. I then moved onto to trying to date Muslims that were less practicing or cultural ones. I also realised that the double life is not for me and I really want a partner that I can be myself with and have a haram lifestyle with.

Earlier this year I was dating this really kind Muslim guy I got on really well with for a few months. I made it super clear that I am not religious and do not want to be left in the future for that reason or expected to become more practicing. 3 months later he decided that he did want someone practicing after all.

So then in April this year, my friend suggested looking for ex-muslims on Hinge and Reddit which I decided to do. The Idea of being with an ex- muslim just sounded amazing to me. Being with someone you can relate to but also get your freedom.

I managed to find a lot of ex-muslim guys, talk to a lot of them and I went on a date with 3 of them. My issue was I wasn't finding most of them attractive. I managed to run out of everyone to see on Hinge because I was just pressing the cross icon constantly. The attractive guys I did speak to were looking for something short term. One guy literally asked me on the first call if I have a date rule for sex. He was clearly just looking for sex.

So then the third ex-muslim guy I went out with was the first one I was ever attracted to that also was looking for something serious. Obviously my heart had hope. I wasn't delusional and thought we definitely going to end up together but he did end things very suddenly and out of the blue when I thought things were going well. No real reason or closure was given as well.

But what did I do? I start sobbing like a baby for two days and start worrying about my future. I also was crying when the guy before that rejected me... even though I wasn't really attracted to him. The whole reason why I'm telling you this is because... I don't think I would be that upset if I had more options. If I had a bigger dating pool and wasn't relying on these men to be my escape fantasy to a future of freedom.

There is pressure to get married in a young age in my family. Everyone gets married young. People are always asking me when I'm going to get married. I am realising now that's it's not healthy for me to sob over men that I barely know who reject me.

I've been thinking in order to work on this, I need to live my life more authentically. I need to give myself that freedom rather than waiting on a man. I'm going to be honest with my family about taking the hijab off soon as before my plan was to do it after marriage when I'm no longer under her roof.

I also do enjoy dating and I am thinking I need to date more authentically and not restrict myself so much. I love flirting and teasing a cute guy. I love compliments and physical affection. I love having someone to talk to everyday and laugh with. I love having someone that's thinking about me and I just switch off more when I'm dating someone. I love chivalry from a gentleman. I love how happy and bubbly I feel when I'm with someone cute. If I'm thinking less about an escape fantasy and what my heart truly wants if there was no pressure to get married- then marriage wouldn't even be on my mind. I would just want a long- term relationship.

I've never been in a relationship before but I want to know what it feels like for someone to call me "mine" and to belong to someone. There were a lot of attractive never-muslims on Hinge that I couldn't like because I knew they were not going to be in my future but now im thinking who cares?

My heart just wants to be loved by anyone I want and to date at any pace. No deadline for marriage. Just to date someone of my own choice that I like for however long it takes.

Im considering doing just that. Opening my dating pool to never-muslims even though I might not have a future with them. I don't know how risky that is though. I am a clingy loving person so I am scared of getting attached and then having to let go but maybe it's what I need?

I spoke to an ex-muslim girl a few months ago who had a white boyfriend but she was in the dilemma where she loves him but felt she might have to let him go because she loves her family too. I also don't want to lose my family. Has anyone else been in this position before?

For those of you who are closeted hijabis, has it ever been an issue in your dating journey? Have men ever been shocked when you tell them that you do actually wear a hijab in real life?

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Have any guys on here ended up speaking to a closeted hijabi?

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I don't look good in a hijab but just knew that if I wasn't a hijabi, I would have found a man. It used to make feel very down.

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Only recently I've been brave and been taking it off secretly more when I'm outside. I used to only do it when I was on dates with men but now I've been brave and taking it off when I see my female friends too. The first things they say to me when they see me are, "You look nice" even when I'm not wearing makeup.

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Now the question is when to tell my mum about this. I don't know if I should tell her soon that I don't wear it or wait till after marriage and I'm no longer living with her etc

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Of course both are hard. It's hard living a lie or a double life and not living to your fullest freedom. On the other hand, being openly ex-muslim is scary because you lose a lot of your community and break a lot of hearts and respect and have to live in fear or potential violence.

I've seen on Reddit that a few people have mentioned they don't think they can fake being Muslim for the rest of their lives and eventually want to tell the truth and come out.

To me that's bonkers. There's certain things you can come clean about but being a Kafir to me is not one of them! Don't get me wrong it's hard living this way but not that hard I guess. I guess I'm not in a third world country with a family who's abusive and follow the Sharia Law.

Which idea seems more scary to you, being closeted or being openly ex-muslim?

So after newly joining these online ex-muslim spaces, I've found that a lot of ex- muslims want to strictly date ex-muslims only whereas some are fine with dating anyone from any religion and others are open to dating cultural Muslims because they are closeted.

Would you ever consider dating a Muslim? Or would you date ex-muslims only? What about people from other religious backgrounds?

I once met an ex- muslim on Hinge who thought I was Hindu. I don't think I give that vibe though.

I am curious about your first time storytimes because I know it can vary for people. Some can feel guilty whereas others can feel great and alive!

My first times:

Taking hijab off - So liberating! I felt beautiful and free. I felt like I was looking at myself in the mirror. So many people assumed I was more on the religious side because I've always had to dress modest with a hijab.

Drinking- I was disappointed lol. Didn't really have an effect but I was so excited to try it prior. I also don't get much of an effect from Shisha or Weed either.

Clubbing- I loved it! I didn't know it was possible to receive that much male attention in one night at clubs. Now I understand why everyone hooks up there. I don't go there for that though. I'm a music kinda girl and my first clubbing night... I only enjoyed the club's with the kinda music I'm into since the alcohol didn't have much of an effect on me. I am kind of shy when it comes to partying and dancing but in an environment where everyone is happily jamming to the music, it feels great and free!

Bacon- So bacon is overly hyped. I heard so many comments about it being amazing and feeling sorry that Muslims can't have it. It's okay but I prefer halal turkey or salami over bacon or pork sausages.

I can't think of anything else

If your future partner was ex-muslim and was still in the closet but you still needed to go to family functions with her or him, would you pretend to be Muslim In front of your in-laws or would you prefer a partner that is openly ex-muslim as well?

Having an anxious attachment is scary. The validation addiction and urge to obsess over a person to get that euphoria boost is greater than the logic of red flags or choosing wisely.

I've had physical threats made by a guy in the past but guess what...ALL I CAN THINK OF IS THE GOOD TIMES. I still crave the attention, affection and that overly excited happy feeling. It's like I can't remember bad stuff at all.

Isn't that scary? Isn't it scary that these dopamine feelings are greater than logic and you know.... something really bad potentially happening to you?

So now when your trying to learn from your mistake, you are doing the right thing and letting go of people who are not good for you.... but it's so freaking hard because you've still got an addiction in your system. Addictions and obsessions are annoying because the bad side effects don't ever really sink in. It's so hard to feel and understand them even though you can suffer the consequences of them.... yet it still doesn't feel worth it. ​

What if that person couldn't meet in person sooner rather than later?

Please don't say "I wouldn't do long distance from the start anyway"... this is for those people that do.

It's the early stages and you barely know each other. I'm a call type of girl but don't really like talking to Internet strangers 24/7.

What would your expectation be? Them calling you 3x days a week or less than that?

So someone very kindly sent me a link to a South Asian dating event in Birmingham. It doesn't really appeal to me travelling to a city that's not near me but I have no interest in as well (I think where I live has the exact same things to do) to turn up to an event which will mostly have Hindus, Muslims or maybe irreligious people but they don't have Muslim background so won't be accepted by my family anyway.

Then I came up with this idea. We can make it Ex-Muslim in this sub! So it doesn't have to be that specific event but you guys can post like a dating event/meetup thing that's going on that's maybe on Eventbrite or something... then you don't have to reveal your identity to anyone on Reddit but because you've posted it on R4R, people are more likely to come because it's a regular dating event... not an ex-muslim dating event but hopefully you'll get to discreetly meet some ex-muslims because of this sub!

It could look something like:

"Hey guys. I'm going to be going to this event

https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/glassy-n-date-south-asian-dating-event-birmingham-tickets-1986897166912?aff=ebdsshother&utm_share_source=listing_android&sg=ba9cfe77bdc0ad75cbc593b0e941777f7bac022438ddd4a73c0a7c096b876a1b3e8d55cb8b9d36d8ed8d24dc7c957296cbadd7ec7867465e8dca3f189d9910e57c4a21c87f4e30e8fbf17f7869

It would be cool to meet any ex-muslims there and find a potential partner."

And no-one on the sub has to confirm if they are going or not. You can all just meet for the first time in person there without compromising your identity. As this will be a public event but not a Muslim one.... it should be relatively safe. There will be non-muslim hosts and event organisers if anyone behaves dodgy. They are usually in public places as well such as restaurants or community halls.

What do you think? Would you ever join a regular dating event that was posted in an Ex- Muslim sub?

So my previous post about hinge... well it says that I have seen everyone and to broaden my filters to be able to match with more people 😭 The dating pool is so damn small yet I don't want to touch Reddit even with a pole!

Us single ex-muslims who want love do exist - it seems that safety is the main issue. There's too much anonymity on Reddit and it's not good for people who don't like to text. I went to an ex-muslim meetup over the weekend and it was great but not designed for dating so it's kind of awkward to say... hey do you wanna get to know each other but not as friends? *wink wink* 🤣 But in a space specifically for single ex-muslims...we are all there for the same thing so shouldn't be too awkward.

I definitely connect better with people in person. So I came up with an idea and would like your guys thoughts.. I've literally come up with the idea now so nothing has been set up yet.

The Idea

So I like the idea of those singles meetup events where there are activities you can do with each other in a casual way. For example, pizza and board games or I've seen a hike event for Muslim singles (but we would the ex- Muslim version). That way if you don't find anyone you fancy, it's not awkward or a big deal. You got some nice pizza out of it or you had a good time. You don't have to have this intense talking session and you'll be in a group of people so can talk to different ones.

*Safety*

To even set up something like this, we would need vetting in place first. I am thinking something like everyone needs to have a call or video call first with the owner of the event answering some questions and maybe have a LinkedIn link or something that can show to prove they are who they say they are. This wouldn't be to the group but only to the host/ owner to the group. I understand some might be uncomfortable with that and to usually join an ex-Muslim group, you only need to answer a bunch of questions in writing.... however when it comes to a dating meetup I do think we need to do extra vetting and extra security because when it comes to dating, you are putting yourself in a vulnerable position. You are even more vulnerable when your doing it as an ex-muslim!

Would you guys feel comfortable going to an ex-muslim singles event if you know that everyone has been vetted extensively for example via a video call interview or ID check and only they will be allowed to come to a singles event? It could be done on a secure platform like Telegram where you can't screenshot, copy and paste or forward anything on groupchats.

Let me know your thoughts :)

So I did a guide on finding Ex-Muslims on Hinge here:

https://www.reddit.com/r/exmuslimr4r/s/Scb7rXd143

Now if you are a hijabi in real life, here's how to navigate dating so you don't confuse the Ex-Muslims into thinking your religious:

1. Download Hinge

2)Post your pictures without a hijab.

3. In real life make yourself look unrecognisable with no effort in your hijab and no makeup.

4. Then when you go on dates with your hair down, you won't get caught because you look completely different with your hijab on.

So I read through a few of the ex-muslim R4R posts and I was suprised to see a few people state that they want someone who's still a virgin. I heard a few people still believe in saving your virginity for marriage. One guy DM'd me with a long description of himself and within that description he mentioned that he has had no previous sexual experience. I didn't ask him if he had or not which can only make me assume women have asked him that question in the past so he's now using it as a selling point for dating.

I can understand not wanting to have sex with just anyone. Even I want to have it with someone meaningful that I have a deep, trusted bond with... so it's definitely going to take me a while to sleep with someone.

But to save it for marriage doesn't make sense to me. Especially if your in a long term relationship with someone that you trust and feel safe with. Virginity until marriage is a religious concept and ties with the act of sex as being shameful.

Do you still view sex as shameful or are there are other reasons why you might be avoiding zina?

Since I've recently been coming into these ex Muslim spaces, I've noticed quite a lot of people are child- free which is really nice for someone like me who's also child free.

I wonder why this is so common in the ex- Muslim community which leads me to ask you... when did you realise or at what age/ stage in life did you realise that you didn't want kids? Was this before or after you left the faith? Did leaving Islam have an impact on this at all?

For me, I've just never had a natural desire to have kids from day 1. A life of no children means more free time and more money which sounds very much appealing to me.

For those of you who never plan on coming out, what have been your coping strategies?

I was having an interesting discussion with some closeted ex- muslims and notice that some:

A) One to desperately come out one day and don't want to live this facade forever

B) People who plan on never coming out

I am B.

I am someone who wishes I could do more in life. More haram things 🤪 I can't help but feel like the rules I follow are so stupid and BS but I'm also never planning to come out. I don't think it's worth it for me personally. I would feel so incredibly guilty to come out because then in my mum's eyes....I would be going to hell. She would be so upset and so devastated and I can't let my Mum think that. We all know it's not true. Well I don't believe hell exists but it very much does so for my mother. A mother worries a lot but that's like probably the biggest thing I could make her worry about.

There's been a few coping strategies that have helped me along the way but the main two for me have been:

Gratitude- Just being grateful for what I have got. Yes there's more I want to do but ex- muslims in abusive families or third world countries would probably love to have my life. I've been making an effort to realise I actually don't have it the worst and making more time to sit with the things in my life that make me feel good.

Journalling- At the same time, we need to sit with our stressful thoughts and feelings and I am not encouraging toxic positivity. Journalling is so underrated. I love mindfulness to calm me down but journalling does an even better job. Your writing pace forces you to slow down your thoughts. An embarrassing confession is that I've been using ChatGPT to analyse my thoughts over the past year 😭 It was helpful to an extent but I've stopped doing that lately and I've been turning to journalling. Journalling turns you away from thinking analytical mode and to feeling mode. If you can feel more, you can then release more and find the solutions you need better because you are listening to yourself more. It definitely helps a lot with rumination and stress. AI has kinda not been helpful for me anymore because I noticed I just became too reliant on it for a quick fix or quick reassurance when in reality, things take time. You can't have all the answers straight away.

So my friend told me to download Reddit to find ex- Muslims. She was showing me all these posts of people putting themselves out there to find someone. I then read that some people successfully became in a relationship because of Reddit which is so awesome! But it does seem to be the only space for specifically ex-muslims to put themselves out there for each other.

I've actually spoken to a few people on ex- Muslim spaces who have told they have met up with people on Reddit as well which shows that it does happen.

I want to know your good stories, the bad stories etc. When I asked for advice on how to do it safely on my first post... people said just text for ages and take your time exchanging pictures to suss the vibe out. I honestly hate texting strangers on the Internet. Phone calls are better but in person is the best. Also does it not feel weird to you talking to someone for a while but not knowing what they look like? I don't like the idea of it. I might have 0 attraction to this person yet wasting my time building rapport. Then when it finally comes to the picture reveal, it will be really awkward to decline getting to know each other any longer because you've already built a false sense of chemistry through texts.

I've noticed though I'm mostly likely going to be entertaining someone on here that has a history of posting ex-muslim content dating all the way back to 5-7 years ago or someone I've seen appear in other ex- Muslim spaces such as Telegram groupchats. That would then give me the vibe that your not secretly a Muslim trying to dox me.