u/SaltPercentage1868

Here’s the thing I’ve noticed a lot, and I’m included in this demographic. Some of us stay attracted to our partner, romantically and sexually but honestly some of us lose that connection of intimacy. Just curious what it’s been for others.

Recently, I developed feelings for someone outside of my marriage. In the last month.

But the previous 6 months, my husband and I had slowly begun to detach from each other. We spent the holidays apart, I neglected to go on his annual trip, asked him to make it a boys trip. My grandfather died, I planned his funeral without the support of my husband. I’ve applied for jobs without telling him, made huge life decisions for me without telling him because I know he couldn’t or wouldn’t provide the support. And I’ve asked him for years to be that person for me, I realized he isn’t. And as I started to withdraw, he started to try but wasn’t it too late then? After years of asking?

And he wasn’t just trying. He was expressing frustration. Blaming me for punishing him, because I chose to go to the gym instead of staying inside with him. Because I went for walks, listening to music for reflection, instead of staying in and watching tv. There was a balance but the scale was no longer tipped in his favour.

But I still couldn’t think of divorce. I knew I wasn’t happy, but I figured we still loved each other in our own fucked up way and that I would figure whatever it was out.

And then I met this man, and we never physically met but he provided all of the emotional connection I didn’t know I needed or was missing.

In being forced to reflect on that alone, I’ve realized I’ve been making excuses for my husband all along. And the last week has been the most difficult week of my year, and it’s been a hard year. I went through a court case and being cross examined, I lost a family member and watched them die. And this shit, this has been fucking hard. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I cry all the time. I still make it to the gym, I force feed myself. But I’m a wreck, can’t focus on work. I keep thinking what it would be like if I had someone like the man I met, and all I do is compare. I’m talking to my husband on the phone tonight, and I tell him August is going to be a difficult month for me. It will be a bit emotional, and I’m a bit nervous. He says he should have planned a long work trip for August then. And he laughs and then I just say okay goodnight. Because he still doesn’t get it, you know. I want to be loved, I want to be chosen, I want someone to I guess care about how I feel. And I’ve always been an independent person, but I think I need someone now. So maybe it isn’t his fault. Maybe I made our relationship this way by never needing him before.

So I booked a consult with a divorce lawyer and will meet with them next week, or the following week in private to discuss our assets and division of such so I’m informed. But I also keep thinking of when we did love each other, our inside jokes, our favourite shows. The fact that we made a family together, the things we shared, he has been a permanent person in my life. Why does it have to be this difficult? With love and grief. I have stepchildren, so my Christmases will go from busy to absolutely nothing. Halloween, birthdays, everything.

But I need more, and this has overall just been a shit experience. I would say, I wouldn’t get married again but I still very much believe in love, unconditional and all. I just think I’ve outgrown this one. 7 years together, only 3.5 years married. Making the right decision is painful as hell, yet so is staying in a marriage you’re not happy in.

Recently, I developed feelings for someone outside of my marriage. In the last month.

But the previous 6 months, my husband and I had slowly begun to detach from each other. We spent the holidays apart, I neglected to go on his annual trip, asked him to make it a boys trip. My grandfather died, I planned his funeral without the support of my husband. I’ve applied for jobs without telling him, made huge life decisions for me without telling him because I know he couldn’t or wouldn’t provide the support. And I’ve asked him for years to be that person for me, I realized he isn’t. And as I started to withdraw, he started to try but wasn’t it too late then? After years of asking?

And he wasn’t just trying. He was expressing frustration. Blaming me for punishing him, because I chose to go to the gym instead of staying inside with him. Because I went for walks, listening to music for reflection, instead of staying in and watching tv. There was a balance but the scale was no longer tipped in his favour.

But I still couldn’t think of divorce. I knew I wasn’t happy, but I figured we still loved each other in our own fucked up way and that I would figure whatever it was out.

And then I met this man, and we never physically met but he provided all of the emotional connection I didn’t know I needed or was missing.

In being forced to reflect on that alone, I’ve realized I’ve been making excuses for my husband all along. And the last week has been the most difficult week of my year, and it’s been a hard year. I went through a court case and being cross examined, I lost a family member and watched them die. And this shit, this has been fucking hard. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I cry all the time. I still make it to the gym, I force feed myself. But I’m a wreck, can’t focus on work. I keep thinking what it would be like if I had someone like the man I met, and all I do is compare. I’m talking to my husband on the phone tonight, and I tell him August is going to be a difficult month for me. It will be a bit emotional, and I’m a bit nervous. He says he should have planned a long work trip for August then. And he laughs and then I just say okay goodnight. Because he still doesn’t get it, you know. I want to be loved, I want to be chosen, I want someone to I guess care about how I feel. And I’ve always been an independent person, but I think I need someone now. So maybe it isn’t his fault. Maybe I made our relationship this way by never needing him before.

So I booked a consult with a divorce lawyer and will meet with them next week, or the following week in private to discuss our assets and division of such so I’m informed. But I also keep thinking of when we did love each other, our inside jokes, our favourite shows. The fact that we made a family together, the things we shared, he has been a permanent person in my life. Why does it have to be this difficult? With love and grief. I have stepchildren, so my Christmases will go from busy to absolutely nothing. Halloween, birthdays, everything.

But I need more, and this has overall just been a shit experience. I would say, I wouldn’t get married again but I still very much believe in love, unconditional and all. I just think I’ve outgrown this one. 7 years together, only 3.5 years married. Making the right decision is painful as hell, yet so is staying in a marriage you’re not happy in.

Anyone know of a good place for adults to practise archery? Maybe take lessons or something. I love it, want more places to practise.

TL;DR this opened up a cluster of issues, I don’t know how to feel or move forward or address it or don’t address it. I don’t think I deserve patience or tolerance or kindness. I just don’t really know where this puts me.

Full story: I’ve been with my husband for 5 years. I am an attractive, educated woman. We met while I was working in a high level fast paced field and I left this for him, due to his background and background checks frequently run on me. In the beginning, there were a lot of red flags but younger me didn’t realize this. Looking back, I don’t know how I fell for it. He was a blue collar man, big, strong, different from every intellectual type I’ve ever dated. And so I just dived right in.

Through our relationship, he would accuse me of cheating (ironic now). And we worked through that. He was always insanely jealous because our lives were so different. He would make negative remarks about my body or my looks, and i was pretty confident. It didn’t affect me then. Even the week before I married him, he laughed at me and called me a “fat skank” or something like that. Why did I marry this man? I just thought, well I’m neither fat nor a skank so why should I care?

After we were married, physical violence ramped up. I had been spit on, choked, pushed, locked out of my car, out of my house, sat on while on top of my bed until I couldn’t breathe. I’ve had my things broken, things thrown at me. When I went through a mental health crisis from a previous sexual assault when I was a teenager, contemplating self harm I called him and told him I was crying and he screamed at me accusing me of cheating until I felt like I was going crazy. When I cried because I couldn’t have a child, he called me selfish and told me to get the fuck out.

There is no love and compassion in this relationship, and I don’t have much family. Women have a hard time relating to me, they often call me intimidating I’ve heard that dozens of times. Men don’t talk to me because I’m married and I generally respect that but I am and have become so alone. Our whole marriage has revolved around his family.

So anyway, to the cheating. That’s important backstory. I meet this man online, and we start talking. We talk for hours, I feel like someone is interested in me as a person. I run with it, I enjoy the attention, I enjoy what feels like care for me as a person but I misunderstand it. He asks me if I’m married, and I realize I want to say no because men don’t talk to me because I’m married but I say yes. We still continue talking, platonically.

Nothing physical happened, but sexually, yes. I also haven’t had sex with my husband in months. It seems like that’s all he wants from me and that’s the one thing I have control over, but even when we do he often crosses boundaries. Which makes me not want to be intimate so I didn’t think I even would feel sexually attracted to someone but I did.

This person says he wants to be my friend. I say I shouldn’t given my marriage but then I change my mind. I try to be friends. They say I’m boring. I realize they don’t really like me because how could they I’m literally a stranger basically. I mean I don’t blame them, these are my own problems.

So I sit in my bedroom, and cry for an hour because I realize the problem isn’t that this man decided to stop giving me attention. It’s that I don’t have any real human relationships, I’m disconnected from a lot of people. I’m not really thought of by anyone. A good problem of that is me. I’ve isolated from friends because of my husband. He demands a lot of my time, makes me feel guilty for not being with him all the time, says I don’t love him so I say no until people finally stopped asking.

And so when someone started talking to me, someone attractive, someone that wasn’t a complete idiot I guess I had a crush on them and became committed to making them understand me. So weird. I put so much responsibility on the idea of a person. And in the end, I just ended absolutely fucked up. Contemplating my future, my marriage, my relationships, what I really want. For the record, I have talked about separation numerous times with my husband. One of the last times, he “attempted” suicide. I of course put everything aside to help him through and a few days later realized the absolute disgusting attempt at humiliation. I feel stuck. And he buys me things and thinks that makes up for everything.

Truthfully, I’m in a cage and it won’t be another man to unlock the door it’ll have to be me. But for a second, I thought this man would and all he did was hold up a mirror to the worst parts of myself which I’m thankful for. But fuck, did all of that really hurt.

Alright, so I’m a member of a group. Been sober 9 years, I know how to be a good member. We have a newcomer with us, he’s about 4 months along now. Great guy, older guy. Occasionally he’s come up to me a few times after meeting to address my shares and ask what I meant by certain things. He helps set up, and occasionally chairs.

One night, I was helping him set up. We start this around 6:30. I arrived at 6:39, due to getting coffee before. Our meeting starts at 7:30. He immediately chastised me for being late. I just laughed it off and told him it’s only 9 minutes. He said he thought I wasn’t coming and was nervous. I said it sounds like you were feeling a little anxious, try to have faith in gods plan and gods timing. Everything always works out AS IT SHOULD. Meaning you can’t control when I get there, whether it’s 6:30, or 6:39.

Then after the meeting, he says it again he keeps saying “you were late you were late”. I said okay listen. Everything turned out just fine. You need to have a little faith in the process. He says it was his first time chairing. There were two other members present when I got there also. He was not alone for those 9 minutes. But anyway, I reminded him to trust in god and know that higher power makes no mistakes so essentially get off my back.

Last night I show up 5 minutes before start. I was making dinner, it ran late, I live around the corner and I had no obligation to be there this night at this time. I walk in at 7:25. I was told the chairperson was sick, and asked to chair so I did.

At the end of the meeting I’m helping to put things away, and I walk up to this member and say hello. He says “you should really show up on time” I said “I wasn’t even chairing, I was covering the chairperson” and walked away.

Is this worth addressing further than this with him, or as a group? I don’t know how to express it any more clearly, we can’t control other people and their actions nor do we know their circumstances so the passive aggression at a home group is uncalled for.

Or do I just let go, let god, and remember he is a newcomer and simply not address it lol. I can’t think of if this is a good opportunity to carry the message, or to practise my own spiritual program.

I’m also big on assertive communication, and non toxic environments. It’s part of my job, so this is tricky for me too.

I currently have a membership at cedar green, and only really like Timberwolf outside of that.

What is your favourite golf course in Sudbury?

I don’t like monte vista, it’s crowded. Stone hill is okay, but grossly maintained so it’s more for something different.

I’ve only been to pine grove and forest ridge once.

Look, I’m not that guy to ever complain about anything with regard to our service workers so I’m gonna not do that. But rather raise an observation. I am generally always patient and polite. If I get my order wrong, I don’t go back to replace it because I figure that’s the way I was meant to receive it that day. I tip when paying cash, I’m always friendly, asking questions or just smiling or whatever.

Anyway, I’m only 33 but this new generation of young workers is super rushed, impatient and impolite. And idk if it comes from corporate expectations or it’s just the general attitude, but so often I have been interrupted and asked if I want anything else before I’m done making my order. People don’t make eye contact. They even argue sometimes when I make my order and ask for clarification. Like is there nuts in the protein milk? It’s protein milk. Yeah, are there nuts? It’s protein maam. Okay thank you. Very helpful.

Sometimes I think it’s the result of several rude customers throughout the day. I know I used to work at Tim Hortons when I was a teenager and I had some attitude days but for the most part we had fun at work. Nobody seems to have fun anymore.

Anyway am I dreaming or are the staff just a lot more miserable than other staff lol.

I was originally shooting a wedding with another local photographer and they ghosted me a couple months before. We were doing shared help, so basically I helped her with several shoots, and days of mini sessions and she was going to help me with a wedding.

When she ghosted me I needed to find help fast. I ended up finding someone of distant relation, I looked at her portfolio, her engagement shoots seemed nice on instagram so I said ok you’re hired. I fully trusted her and that is my fault.

She adjusted her iso way too high indoors so a lot of things are grainy. She only shot in JPG. Any large group photo, she has often cut out one side. She took lots of meaningless faux artist photos like peoples shoulders, or looking off while talking to someone. Multiple blurry pictures of someone’s dog. Composition is way off in a lot of shots. Tops of heads are cut off, half bodies, I think out of 1200 photos I may only be able to salvage 80.

So my question is, she has a wedding coming up in September. How do I offer feedback here?

I will figure out what to do with her photos or lack thereof but moving forward. She is also meant to be my second shooter again in August. Obviously reconsidering but I think there’s a way to help her grow more instead of just shutting her out.

First day, little cold. Looking to hit up cedar green, but was hoping for a second.