u/Secret-Gap-5856

Hello, I’m a child. I am 11F, and I believe I have some sort of severe mental health disorder. Please answer my questions as best as you can.

Has your child ever expressed WAY too much knowledge of intimacy? Things that most adults would just brush off as, “a smart well-behaved kid”? Well as one of those kids myself, I wish to share my story.

Hello, I’m Ray. I’ve never been raped or sexually abused. I have phone, porn, and self harm addiction. I’m constantly on my phone, watching videos of the sort. I’m on shedtwt, Facebook, TikTok, Instagram, Reddit. It’s honestly too much for a child to know about. But I’m scarred for life from the things on the internet. Unrestricted internet access, they call it. No supervision over what I watched, did, or acted like. I unfortunately have no empathy, knowledge of “adult” matters, and I’ve always been called well-behaved or mature. I’m now suicidal, a shell of what used to be a smart, gifted, motivated child. But when you are “gifted” your brain thinks of EVERYTHING. Your failures, your mental state, fears, illness, envy, wrath, death, and eventually you’ll wind up in a mental hospital. Has not happened to me yet, but I have really severe anxiety. Be aware, my mom KNOWS of this. She never has taken me to a doctor. She literally said herself that I have anxiety, I have severe panic attacks, breakdowns, barely interact socially. I’m not normal, never will be. I’m jealous of kids who have a diagnosis. Their situation got bad enough that their parents actually started caring. My mom may love me, but she’s negligent. Toxic but loving. A mom who neglects your mental health to the point you’re suicidal to the core. Not even an ounce of empathy left in you.

As a young child, (not saying my age, the internet is dangerous. And I’m assuming you can guess my age based on how aware I am on the dangers of the internet.) I’m addicted to pornography. I’ve seen way too much for my age, so much so that it feels like I’m not a kid. I have severe anxiety (which could also be caused by my alcoholic dad) and sometimes I have nightmares where I get sexually abused. I don’t feel valid for my mind sexualizing everything. I get jealous when I see other people hurting more than me. Girls with moms that actually care and get them help? Can’t relate. My mom belittles my situation, saying that she had it worse because both her parents were abusive. But she doesn’t realize she verbally abuses me and my siblings, I have intrusive thoughts of running away. I have a date planned for my own suicide. And the worst of them all? I’ve been exposed to gore of people killing themselves and porn. The internet is dangerous, and I’ve seen the worst. I have personally never been molested but I internalize everything. It makes me have urges of destroying everything. I want to kill my family. EVERYONE. After being exposed to pornography online I have Hyper-sexuality and it’s caused me to have thoughts of pedophilia. Sexualizing myself in my mind, thinking of making cp of myself, fantasizing about being raped. It’s not cute, it shouldn’t be glamorized. I’m guessing the urges of pedophilia are caused by an undiagnosed paraphilic disorder, one in which is caused by exposure to pornography. I can’t go a day without porn. Porn games, porn torture, it’s just porn in general. I’m addicted to it, and it shouldn’t be joked about. I have so many disorders that I uncannily match symptoms of. Schizoid Personality Disorder, Quiet BPD, Antisocial Personality Disorder, Selective Mutism, ADHD, OCD, Autism, and so much more. I have really bad social anxiety and it makes me nauseous.

How do I make my community require post flair? I’m on iOS iPhone XS from 2019.

so I have had a dairy allergy since i was a newborn, used to give me rashes but now its hard to breathe because of increased mucus productions when I eat even baked dairy. I’m starting to come to realize that people with any general allergy don’t ACTUALLY like allergen free food? I’ve always liked the dairy free food. The cheese, oat milk, anything without milk. I was wondering if my standards are just low because I never had milk ever in my life since i was 2, but I actually like the taste and smell and texture. it makes me happy to realize our society has become aware enough of allergies to have so many new products. Back in the 2010s when I grew up they didn’t have a wide variety of dairy free foods, I live in a small town where a ton of stuff has dairy. My aunt’s now friends with a lady who made dairy free cookies for me. I’m glad and grateful to have people who are aware of allergies. I used to have more serious reactions but I’m genuinely happy I can’t have milk. I don’t really think I’d like milk, even if I didn’t have an allergy. Plus, it makes me different from others. I get special treatment because of the allergy. Like I said, I live in a very small southern town and I’ve only ever met two other people with just lactose intolerance! My school is only free from peanut allergies because I suppose it’s more common, so that disappoints me.

I can’t even get out of bed most days. I stay laid up in my bedroom, all alone in solitude. I wish I was prettier, because people only care if pretty girls are mentally struggling. I’m not pretty, I never will be. I’m too self aware to the point where I go into derealization most of the time. I have a severe vitamin d deficiency, average to more than half the day on my phone, planning my own death, thinking of acting upon it. I have a perfectly fine life. That’s what my mom says. But no, I’m not fine at all. She thinks I’m a compassionate, loving, caring girl. But I’m not. I lack empathy and compassion entirely. An apathetic, way too shy, and a person who’s ’too young’ to know so much about intimacy. I wish my mom cared about me, I wish she didn’t compare me to her at my age. It makes me narcissistic. Like her mom, restarting the cycle of abuse. But I’d never have kids, this world is corrupt and I’ve been exposed to the internet too early. I know damn well I would abuse those children. I get angry too easily, but I internalize everything. But with people weaker than me? I’d hurt them.

So I cannot have dairy, yogurt, cheese, anything with milk. I’d say I have pretty good calcium because I’ve never broken a bone even once, but my vitamin D levels are alarmingly low. I’ve recently found this yogurt brand, dairy free. It’s called “Silk” and it is good for Vitamin D and Calcium. Any milk when I drink it by itself, other than oat milk makes my stomach hurt. But since it’s mixed into the yogurt it doesn’t make my stomach hurt. I also have recently found very good dairy free brands, Bettergoods, Daiya, and stuff like that. Back in 2017 there weren’t at all many brands that were dairy free, but Takis’ crunchy fajitas had no milk then. They have milk now, and I wish they didn’t. They used to taste so good, but now I can’t even eat them.

Ok I had another dream about a whole game visual novel wtf lol

Storyline:

8 missing children are in a ghost town, they are dead. MC is you, it’s a 2D game. Different locations, different characters. I was aiming for it to be multiplayer but it can’t. You can customize your character based on your interests, but the casual MC; heterochromia (green and blue eyes), tan skin, dark brown hair shoulder length hair in pigtails, is a girl, and you can customize your character’s family. It’s similar to a merge of all the games by Anton Ptitsyn, then FNAF with the missing children, Games by Juan Amaro with the dreamcore style, School Days by MDickie Limited, and also The Coffin Of Andy And LeyLey, not the entire story but the 2D visual novel type. MC has an older brother, and they meet in random locations. In my dream it was multiplayer but idk how to develop games. In my dream i didn’t know I was asleep.