u/Smooth_Shirt_7381

Hey yall! This is my very first post here but I’ve been a long time lurker and reader. I have a sister whos about level 2-3 who is now currently 20 years old. She was diagnosed at maybe 18months old; firstly with global developmental delay, then autism spectrum disorder. I am on the spectrum myself, though level 1 and didn’t receive my diagnosis until 14.

My sister up until she was four and still beyond- would not walk, speak, or use the washroom. She would scoot around on her knees or bottom and would do a lot of vocal stimming. She was also a very physically sensitive kid and would cry at the drop of a hat. For a long time, it was very difficult to fully understand her or interpret her needs well. I know a lot of parents here have spoken about early professional intervention not making the difference it markets and I would agree for the most part. We live in Canada so services may be different in other countries? For a long time as a sibling I struggled to connect with her when we were younger. Now that she is older though, I couldn’t be more proud of her! I’ll list what she has achieved through years of hard work and patience:

Completed high school with a full diploma.

Has successfully made friends and kept in contact beyond school. The best part is that she and her friends connected completely organically at school in their special needs class over shared interests!

Has no issues using the washroom or showering now.

Is very tech savvy and can figure out niche online stuff way better than me.

Is artistic and has a passion for graphic design, visual arts, books, and video games.

Very emotionally perceptive and empathetic, surprisingly reads rooms quite well and somehow knows when somethings wrong even if nothing is said.

I’m so proud of her moral compass. That girl makes me so happy with how accepting and not judgemental she is of others.

She is one sarcastic lil fire cracker!

She is now one of my best friends.

She will live with me when I am stable enough to have her and I’m happy about that!

All these things are to encourage you guys not to give up when things look hopeless; remember, your child is half you and half your partner! Your child is yours before they are autistic which may seem strange but the most genuine sides of my sister only came out when we stopped focusing on her vs other kids her age and just focused on her as she is. I think comparison truly is the thief of joy and sometimes we can miss the cool little person in front of us looking at others. Your child is worth the battle, I promise💕

The older I get, and I’m not old at all; I’ll be 25 in July. But the older I get, the more genuinely geriatric I feel. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I have a part time job that is active, I just got my G2 license and have driven on my own a few times but even that feels like so much now. I feel winded from walking up a flight of stairs or pushing a cart at a store. Even basic tasks are beginning to feel difficult. My body aches and cracks like you wouldn’t believe, especially my joints. I seem to have digestive/stomach issues that no doctor can pinpoint. My hormones are always going out of whack off even the smallest stressor so I’ve been missing my cycle now for like a month which I’m sure isnt helping how I feel.

Mentally I can’t seem to focus on anything positive. My mind is stuck in a ruminating thought loop of all the negative things I think and feel-then beat myself up for thinking and feeling those things. Gaslight myself that I’m actually fine and nothing is a big deal- rinse and repeat. I can’t watch a show. I can’t focus on sketching and I know my art is suffering for it. Not that I feel I’m that good but besides the point. I can’t just go drive or take a walk because I hate the area where I live it’s all construction, 5 minute traffic lights and my city has some of the highest car insurance rates in the province because of dangerous drivers. Nothing about that sounds peaceful or relaxing and I feel myself get such bad road rage that I will just be screaming in the car.

I also got discarded like I never meant anything at all by someone who was apparently lying to my face about everything they said they ever felt about me and I don’t have many in person friends near me so I can’t just go chill with someone and forget about it. I feel so tired all the time. Every time I want to step out and just have a fun day I can’t because if my own b.s. apparently. I’m afraid of so many bad things happening now and I barely even want to leave my house. I do want friends but I also don’t sometimes and it’s weird. I don’t seem to fit into any social group. I’ve lost so much confidence because just going through so many situations where I’m always overlooked/ignored/ discarded for someone else at the drop of a hat that I look in the mirror now and feel like I have nothing else f value to offer anyone? Like people say “it’s not anything you said or did” but that makes me feel even worse because I can always change the way I speak or deal with others. Hearing that just makes me feel like I’m just fundamentally wrong and no amount of outside decorating, masking or even just trying to show that I’m really passionate about something, will ever make up for the fact that I’m “freaky and weird”,“ oh she just never responds” yea because I’m tired of allowing people close, believing that they actually see something in me just to be let down every time because no matter what these online virtue signallers post; we’re never invited to the hangouts or fun trips, we get excluded from everything. I feel frustrated because it’s just beating around the bush of how NT people feel around us, by saying vague crap like “you’ll find you’re people!!”