u/Specialist_Leg_4997

I’ve been really sad lately and thinking a lot about how the people in my life would probably be better off if I had never existed. i dont need to get into all the things that have led me to feel this way, I just know i need to tell someone because this uncertainty hurts so so much. especially since I’ve come close to making some very bad decisions before.

just….how do i even bring it up? how do i say these things without oversharing or trauma dumping or something? I know I need to do this, I just don’t know how. so if anyone has any advice they can give, it would mean a lot. thanks if you read this.

Im planning to listen to it all the way through tomorrow. I will be preparing to go home from college, but if I plan it right I’ll be finished with the music by the time my dad arrives with the suitcase. I will probably be walking around and moving stuff around, but finals are over so i probably won’t get super distracted from the music.

Obviously I’ve seen loads of stuff about this online but I’m aware people can be a bit overdramatic. Realistically, is there any mental preparation I should do? Also I’m wondering if you guys would recommend I listen to the albums while I’m a little less busy.

I’m nearly done with my freshman year at college. I’ve hated this year. I’ve lost my whole sense of purpose and have been so lonely it hurts. But I get to go home in just over a week, and that has been the only thing keeping me pushing through finals instead of stepping in front of a train.

But lately I can’t even feel excited about going home. I’m the oldest of five siblings and I’ve always been someone they look up to. But now their new normal is without me. My sister, who’s second-oldest, is filling all the roles that I used to fill. Shes the driver for our family, the piano player at our church, the one the younger siblings go to when they need something.

And it’s not that I don’t WANT them to get along fine without me. it’s just that those are the things I’ve always held on to. In past years, whenever I just wanted to give up, I reminded myself that I was needed. That I had to drive my brother to baseball practice. That I was scheduled to serve the church on Sunday. I had purpose, no matter how small. And that’s what I’ve been holding on to this whole college year.

But now that they are finding other ways to fill those roles, I’m starting to realize that I’m just not needed anymore. And it’s starting to suck joy away from the thought of returning home soon. My family says they love me, but they’re only emotionally attached to me because I happen to be their sister or their daughter. My siblings only like me because they grew up being told that they HAVE to like their family. I have no purpose here at college—no one relies on me for anything. And now it’s the same at home. I’m a waste of time and money and affection, because I do NOTHING to make the lives of anyone else better. I really think it would be better if I had never been born.