u/Specific_Cucumber272

My 4GGF, Johann Hermann Bruns (1842-1918) is an illegitimate child of his mother, Friederike Bruns (1823-????). And I'm wondering if It's ever possible to find his father and who he was. The only birth record I have of Johann is this: https://www.familysearch.org/ark:/61903/1:1:QPNB-6QH1?lang=en, and I'm POSITIVE it doesn't even contain his name, and that maybe whoever tagged it accidentally chose the wrong one? I'm not sure.

Then the only other confirmed record of his mother is the immigration record: https://familysearch.org/ark:/61903/1:1:2757-PYF?lang=en and despite Johann being alive during this time, where he would roughly be about 10 years old, he is nowhere to be seen on that record, however, there does seem to be an 'Ernst Bruns' attached. Whoever he is, I am not sure. Whether it is the father or a brother to Friederike isn't known.

Despite the immigration, I cannot find where they moved afterwards, nor can I find a grave. Though I do know that Johann was buried along with his wife in Missouri: https://www.findagrave.com/memorial/23042447/john_h-bruns.

Any information helps, and thanks in advance.

Made a throwaway account because I'm so ashamed.

We were kids at the time, same age. Never saw each other for years until that Christmas party. We were in the basement with his siblings and mine. At the time, I was in a horrible headspace. We were roughhousing, he had something against me because I'd confessed I was trans (I ended up not being so). And while roughhousing, I'd humped him for some fucking reason (never tried pulling off clothes, both of us were wearing clothes). He pushed me away and we continued our game of running about, but a few nights ago, I remembered it because my dad had talked to me about being rude to him. The party was with my mom and my step-dads parents, who are now getting a divorce, so I'll likely never see him again.

I felt so sick when I was lying in bed then and thinking about it-- because I myself have been sexually assaulted (after this incident) and never realized that I myself had done something similar. I had to grab my razor otherwise I wasn't sleeping that night.

I probably didn't traumatize him or anything. He probably barely remembers it. The next party after we were talking and his bigotry had stopped being directed towards me and we exchanged memes on our phones after and complained about our siblings.

Even just typing it out on here makes me feel ill. I don't even think that I could tell the closest people in my life. It sounds so stupid compared to other people's stories, but I actually can't live without someone seeing this and knowing that this happened.