u/Square_Cranberry_944

Or maybe it's that I hate them. I can't tell anymore. ಥ_ಥ I have three friends: one I rarely talk too (couple times a week I think), one that's nice but kinda dry and self centered, and an unreliable older friend. I really want more friends, desperately, but I don't know where to look or find them. I'm extremely shy, stupid autistic, and frankly just odd. I can't start conversations but I can hold them, this often leads to me falling out with people quickly because I'm too shy, they think I'm distant. I just kinda stare at our dm's from months ago and hope they randomly decided to text me LMAO

I'm good at listening, and talking when I want too ig. I think a big setback is that I always have extreme breakdowns after meeting people so I lose contact as I don't wanna burden some random dude on the internet ᯣ_ᯣ I'm also physically disabled and usually in the hospital (who wants to talk to a freak in the hospital??) I can never tell if people like talking to me or not so I just shut up and sit there crying, or I feel like I'm forcing them to talk to me.

I really do love my friends, I know some of them love me at times, but none of them really know me or seem to care to know me. I remember asking my friend to describe me and he said "Nice but distant", I'm actually not distant I'm typically clawing at my skin waiting for you to text me.. They said this over 8 months ago but I'm still self conscious about it

It took me 3 years to work up the courage to call, and he's someone I know IRL🥹 He said he just thought I didn't like calling although I'm usually calling my older friend everyday lol

Said friend also really wants me to vent to him for some reason? I think its just a trust thing as I've helped him through things like breakups, but I don't want him to realize how much of an unhealthy freak I am. I know everyone in my life wants me to heal but they want me to heal faster than I can

yeah uhm I hate my life fuck whoever said being a teenager was gonna be cool you are the BIGGEST fraud

Hello, this is kinda embarrassing to ask for advice on so please don't be mean in the comments. Title may not be accurate

I (15f) am autistic (level 2) and my safe place is the upstairs bathroom, but lately my parents have been forcing me out of it. I stay in there usually ~4 hours typically 3, it's not like we don't have other bathrooms (we have a half bath downstairs) so I'm not keeping them from anything, thats how I see it at least. When they need to shower I get out, when they need to use the bathroom I get out, but once their done I always go back in. I just sit on the floor either by the door or bathtub.

The bathroom is my safe space to de-stimulate and actually stim without getting judged, or talked too so it's my favorite place. But lately my parents have been forcing me out of it, and making it terrifying to go in. One night, my dad lunged at me when I was leaving it because he was annoyed I was in there (I have a general fear of men so that didn't help the situation lmao) and today my mom mixed a bunch of chemicals and dumped it in the bathroom, not for cleaning. It made me extremely light headed so I left the bathroom. They've been doing things like this for a couple months now.

I now have regular extreme panic attacks when I hear one of them moving around upstairs near the bathroom, my meltdowns are sadly dangerous for me for a multitude of reasons. So now I no longer has a space I can be functional in

Theres really no other safe places in my house, so I was wondering if anyone had any alternative ideas? I thought about getting a lock on my door since that's one of the main appeals of the bathroom but my dad said he'd just kick it down if I did ಥ_ಥ

An idea I had was my closet, but I'm kinda terrified of getting trapped in there. What I really want advice on is how to navigate making a new safe area? If that makes sense. Or just adjusting to not having a safe space.

English is a second language! Apologies if theres mistakes.

TW: mentions of suicide and mental health

I'd like to add I'm currently in suicide recovery from attempting not even 3 days ago, so I may just not be in the headspace to deal with them at the moment. Me and this friend are NOT dating, we see each other as siblings.​

Tonight me and my friend were calling as they just got back from the TADC movie and wanted to talk about it for a little, after they finished talking about themselves for 3 hours they'd just not respond when I tried talking to him about anything that wasn't related to him, we eventually did start talking about something (just a random topic related to the state of the world, idk if I'm allowed to say it here) but I jokingly said "maybe we should do a joint suicide then? My dad bought a new gun" As they had been telling me to kill myself all night over and over again I thought it'd be funny ig, they got quiet after that. The whole night he'd been just mocking my attempt and my speech impediment 🫩 but ig he can't handle a single joke about himself.

I took a nap after we finished calling and I woke up too a text reading "Hey chat im really sry but is it ok if u dont joke about me killing myself?
Sry i dont mean to sound too sensitive, its just i kinda havent been doing the best lately mentally and in general the gun joke earlier just kinda hurt" and all I could think was "omfg not this again" because he's constantly whining about anything I do when I act like how he treats me, he's never there for me and only tells me to get over things and ignores my boundaries. Hes even mocked most of my trauma because it "sounds silly" and characterizes my hallucinations to chase me around laughing about them.

I haven't responded to him yet as im not in the right headspace.

Id like to clarify we ARE good friends, Ive known him since I was in middle school and we've stayed close. He's just been unbearable lately. I'm also autistic so I probably have misread most of his jokes if they were genuinely trying to be funny

I know I sound like a bad friend, feel free to flame me about that lmao

my question is, am I bad for this? should I just ignore him??how do I respond man, mainly HOW do I respond.

English isn't my first language so some parts may read oddly.