u/StoneLover1965

Not talking about a standard or casual friend here. Or a sex friend!

I'm 61F. These last few years I've come to the realisation that I'd be just as happy if I never had another romantic relationship. Either way is fine.

What I actually seek is connection. Genuine connection with someone who cares about you and has time for you. I miss the connection I had with my late mother and husband and a couple of close longtime friends.

Somebody compatible who "gets" you and is on your wavelength, without judgement, expectations, or agenda.

You can be yourself and talk about anything, spend quality time together, have fun, and make memories.

A romantic relationship may or may not evolve from that.

Why aren't more people open to this? Seems many single men (of our generations) are on a dogged tunnel-visioned mission to find the "one" (who rarely seems to materialise) for a romantic relationship, one that often turns out to be short-lived.

Whereas in the meantime, while they're seeking love, or maybe for the rest of their lives, or maybe just between relationships, they could be enjoying and feeling fulfilled and loved by the type of connection described above.

It doesn't have to get in the way of their quest for romantic love. It's just "there", and can be relied upon.

Is the above scenario possible or am I just dreaming? Does desire for sex or a romantic relationship always get in the way?

Interested to hear any experiences you may have had with the above dynamic.

Walt Disney once said "That's the real problem with the world, too many people grow up"

Dr Seuss - "If you never did, you should. These things are fun and fun is good"

Another one - "Anyone who takes themself too seriously always runs the risk of looking ridiculous"

Have you noticed a lot of people seem to be (to varying degrees, of course) "old before their time"? I'm solely referring to mindset here, not physical appearance or physical/mental abilities.

Things like humour, playfulness, sense of fun vs level of seriousness, open-mindedness, level of cynicism / bitterness / negativity (if they harbour those feelings), willingness to leave a comfort zone and try new things, ability to release the "inner child" without fear of ridicule and embarrassment and worry of what others may think, curiosity and sense of wonder etc.

I wonder if these people have been that way for most of their lives? Or did it begin much later in life?

Obviously, we've all had bad experiences and been through hard times over the course of our lives. I'm not negating that, but this topic is dear to me and it makes me sad.

A few more quotes:

In the midst of winter, I found there was within me an invincible summer

Every situation is an opportunity for healing, learning, growth and transformation

A mind is like a parachute, it doesn't work if it isn't open

If you never heal what hurt you, you'll bleed on people who didn't cut you

After chatting with a promising man online for a few months, we decided to meet for lunch at a mall food court.

Earlier I had mentioned I wanted to finaaally get a smartphone and had found a good deal, so we stop at the shop first and I excitedly buy it. He offers to set it up for me and install the SIM card (I didn't know much about touch screen phones back then)

We enjoy some Indian food. He especially enjoys a bunch of deep fried lurid orange pakoras.

"Okay, let's get this thing set up" he says, after finishing.

I presume he will dash off to the bathroom first, to wash aforementioned orange gunkfest off his hands. As opposed to briefly dibby-dabbing it with a solitary serviette.

Alas, I live on another planet and watch incredulously as he grabs my brand spanking new phone and its brand spanking new SIM with gusto.

The SIM isn't working.

"Maybe give it a wipe?" I venture

"Nah, won't make any difference"

He struggles on.

After what seems like an eternity, I again suggest "Try wiping it. You never know. Might be the grease?"

He sneers "Ugh! YOU'D be the sort of person who'd put covers on all the sofas"

Umm. Nope. Brought up in a home where we didn't even take our shoes off at the door.

But I say nothing. Turns out the SIM is faulty.

Why am I still here?

Then he wants to go outside for a cigarette (trying to give up)

I haven't finished my meal (annoyingly slow eater here!) and say "Oh that's fine. I'm a slow eater"

Time creeps by.

I clear our table and return the trays so others can have the table.

Stand around awkwardly for awhile.

20 minutes now.

He must have done a runner (which would have been fine and dandy, given the grubby orange trauma my new phone had just endured)

He finally returns. Damn.

Turns out he got waylaid after his smoke. The video game shop was having a sale.

Today it just dawned on me how fitting it was that my phone (still have it) is a Huawei.

WHO does this?

AHHH maybe he has ex-wife issues?

WAY to pick 'em

Hope he Android those games he bought.

Another man reprimanded me for the apparently heinous crime of using the same paper serviette to dab my nose and wipe my fingers.

I point out that I'm not sick (wouldn't be sitting here enjoying this date if sick); that it's merely a case of spicy food drippy nose and that the restaurant has granted us each a solitary serviette.

Meanwhile his hands (and more) are covered in lashings of sticky rib sauce. A quick wipe upon departure, eschewing soap and water at the sink located conveniently yet puzzlingly in the centre of the restaurant. A sink for customers.

I feel for his car.

And one from many years ago:

"You're eating too much"

Subjectivity aside, his observation is not inaccurate! (at that time in my life)

And who can resist a buffet?

It didn't offend me (takes a lot more than that) but not sure I'd point it out to somebody, especially a woman eh?

Brave though. Will give him that.

What's up with this food and hand washing thing? Starting to see a pattern here. haha

How about you?

Only discovered these guys fairly recently (the videos were made during Covid). Watching them dance to this funky old song is always a massive injection of instant happiness for me. Never fails! A remedy for anything.

Also their Forget Me Nots trio dance here

Anyone else want to learn all those groovy moves?

I'm a 61 year old female and don't have any children but just curious to know!

Any fun stories about teaching them some of the seemingly decreasing/disappearing traditional skills on this list?

cooking and baking totally from scratch,

preserving, making jam, pickling etc,

sewing, mending and altering clothes,

knitting, crochet and other crafts,

hand washing clothes, ironing,

growing fruit, vegetables, herbs, flowers,

basic carpentry and DIY (eg replacing a tap washer),

checking car oil, changing a tyre

Besides obvious things like integrity, humour, chemistry, physical attraction, what do you most desire these days, at your age and in your particular situation?

Can't stop listening to this slow jam! What a gem. The way it sensually flows is hypnotic, like slow ocean waves. Has me rocking back and forth from side to side in my chair every time. I'm 61 and kicking myself that I only just discovered it recently.

Fat Joe said in an interview that he listened to this on repeat driving all the way from New York to Miami.

Haven't seen it on any lists of the best R&B songs though. Maybe I'm just looking in the wrong places?

Can anyone recommend any similar slow jams? Any era. Will do a search through this sub too.

I shared this on another sub and somebody suggested posting it here too.

(Of course another factor here is gratitude. Gratitude for all that you DO have, as opposed to focusing on what you DON'T have)

PS, Before anyone else accuses me of "using AI to write it for you":

I am a bit naive on the subject of AI. I don't even know HOW to use it to write something and have no interest in doing that anyway! I simply watched a psychology video and realised it accurately describes my life, so dicta-typed it to Notepad and saved it for myself. I wasn't aware the video may be AI.

Decided to share it on Reddit because I think it's interesting and thought others may also relate. That's all.

Given that I dicta-typed it, the layout is my own. I made some of the text bold so it's easier to read, given the lengthiness, and to highlight a couple of things.

Regardless of its origins (don't know who originally wrote it), I feel it's worth sharing.

THE PSYCHOLOGY OF PEOPLE WHO LIVE ALONE WITHOUT A PARTNER AND ARE NOT BOTHERED BY IT

Their place is quiet, their routine is their own, and they are genuinely fine with that.

Most people assume something's wrong. Psychology says it's usually the opposite, and there are real reasons behind it.

The first reason comes down to something called Autonomy Satisfaction.

Psychology describes this as a core human need to feel in control of your own time, space, and decisions.

For a lot of people, living alone meets that need directly. No negotiating the thermostat, no compromising the schedule. Just full ownership of their own life.

That control isn't loneliness. It's a genuine source of peace.

There's also a pattern called Secure Attachment Without Dependency.

Some people form deep bonds with friends, family, and work, and that network meets their emotional needs well enough that a romantic partner isn't filling a gap, because there isn't one to fill. Their emotional world is already stable, so a relationship becomes optional rather than necessary.

On top of that, many of these people are shaped by something psychologists call Preference Clarity.

When someone knows exactly what kind of life partner and relationship they actually want, they become far less willing to settle for anything less, even if that means staying single for years.

That's not pickiness. It's self-knowledge doing its job.

Another piece of it is Simple Conditioning Through Positive Experience.

If solitude has consistently felt good, productive, calm, undisturbed, the brain starts associating being alone with reward instead of lack. Over time, that association gets reinforced every single day they live it, making solitude feel less like an absence and more like a preference.

There's also something deeper happening for a lot of these people.

A quiet rejection of the idea that a life only counts once someone else is in it.

Society often frames a person living alone as incomplete, waiting for a partner to finally arrive and make their life real.

People who have moved past that framing simply stopped measuring their life against a milestone they never fully agreed to in the first place.

And here's the part most people get wrong.

A person living alone isn't necessarily avoiding connection, hiding from intimacy, or unable to attract a partner.

Often it's the opposite. They are simply unwilling to trade a life that already works for a relationship that doesn't clearly improve it.

What looks like isolation from the outside is frequently just contentment from the inside, and contentment rarely needs to explain itself.

A person living alone isn't always missing something.

Sometimes they have just found something most people never do. Peace with their own company.

Lately I've been reading about something called the "loneliness epidemic" and also didn't know until fairly recently that what I may be interested in has been given a name, "LAT (living apart together) relationship".

The following psychology piece describes me (61F) to a T these days. Spot on!

Any other content people out there who can relate to everything written here?

(Of course another factor here is gratitude. Gratitude for all that you DO have, as opposed to focusing on what you DON'T have)

THE PSYCHOLOGY OF PEOPLE WHO LIVE ALONE WITHOUT A PARTNER AND ARE NOT BOTHERED BY IT

Their place is quiet, their routine is their own, and they are genuinely fine with that.

Most people assume something's wrong. Psychology says it's usually the opposite, and there are real reasons behind it.

The first reason comes down to something called Autonomy Satisfaction.

Psychology describes this as a core human need to feel in control of your own time, space, and decisions.

For a lot of people, living alone meets that need directly. No negotiating the thermostat, no compromising the schedule. Just full ownership of their own life.

That control isn't loneliness. It's a genuine source of peace.

There's also a pattern called Secure Attachment Without Dependency.

Some people form deep bonds with friends, family, and work, and that network meets their emotional needs well enough that a romantic partner isn't filling a gap, because there isn't one to fill. Their emotional world is already stable, so a relationship becomes optional rather than necessary.

On top of that, many of these people are shaped by something psychologists call Preference Clarity.

When someone knows exactly what kind of life partner and relationship they actually want, they become far less willing to settle for anything less, even if that means staying single for years.

That's not pickiness. It's self-knowledge doing its job.

Another piece of it is Simple Conditioning Through Positive Experience.

If solitude has consistently felt good, productive, calm, undisturbed, the brain starts associating being alone with reward instead of lack. Over time, that association gets reinforced every single day they live it, making solitude feel less like an absence and more like a preference.

There's also something deeper happening for a lot of these people.

A quiet rejection of the idea that a life only counts once someone else is in it.

Society often frames a person living alone as incomplete, waiting for a partner to finally arrive and make their life real.

People who have moved past that framing simply stopped measuring their life against a milestone they never fully agreed to in the first place.

And here's the part most people get wrong.

A person living alone isn't necessarily avoiding connection, hiding from intimacy, or unable to attract a partner.

Often it's the opposite. They are simply unwilling to trade a life that already works for a relationship that doesn't clearly improve it.

What looks like isolation from the outside is frequently just contentment from the inside, and contentment rarely needs to explain itself.

A person living alone isn't always missing something.

Sometimes they have just found something most people never do. Peace with their own company.

I'm a Kiwi and met my late husband while on holiday in the USA, at the San Diego Zoo. Scorching hot July day and I was sitting by the windows in the cafe, trying to tackle an abnormally humongous muffin and smoothie and watching the flamingos outside.

He was also sitting by the windows, a couple of tables away, but I didn't notice him.

"Nice spot here, isn't it?" he suddenly said, and we started chatting.

Turned out he worked at the Zoo and was finishing a postdoc on the DNA of endangered species. He offered to show me around the Zoo and I ended up extending my (already wonderfully lengthy) holiday for the full three months allowed.

We were together for 12 years until his death.

Funny thing is, we very easily could never have crossed paths. I hadn't planned to be at the Zoo that particular day. Should have been at SeaWorld instead, but the hotel threw a big old spanner in the works and changed their shuttle van schedule and were only taking people to the Zoo that day.

Serendipity eh?

And I wasn't going to eat at that cafe. Only went in because their toilets were better.

And I wasn't going to visit San Diego. Decided to add on an extra unpaid week at the last minute.

And this was a Sunday, so he very easily could have been any other place besides work.

Before leaving on the holiday, a workmate ventured "You never know, you might meet a man over there"

I looked at her like she was stark raving crazy bonkers and said "Don't be silly. As if."

I remember reading these two statements in a well-written profile:

"Shake my closet and no skeletons will fall out"

"You will be a good communicator"

I didn't even need to shake his closet! His speech was slurred in our first phone conversation (granted, that could be due to a medication or just being a tad tipsy), then one day he went worryingly AWOL and turned out to be an alcoholic and ghosted me forever.

"I'm baggage-free"

Sometimes this may be due to a lack of self-awareness, but I don't think anybody on this planet is baggage-free. A person may not have romantic relationship baggage per se, but we all have issues, insecurities and flaws of some kind that will inevitably affect our relationships with other people.

Why can't more people be like the fabulous fellow who humorously proclaimed "I will dislike your cats, eat all your food, and pee off your deck"?

Sadly, he lived too far away.

Just wanted to pass this tip on to others or immigrants who may not realise it's okay to do this in NZ, because there's conflicting info when you google this topic, eg "Nah, don't do it because it might mess up the way the address label prints" blah blah.

I do this with EVERY online seller and it always works with all courier companies, including Imile and Aramex. Except for one time with Ali Express' Imile, when they left a small thin parcel in the mailbox.

I've noticed the address labels always print fine if you keep the delivery instructions fairly brief.

Put your instructions, eg "Leave on front porch" either on Address line 1 or 2, depending on how your address is written or how long your address is

Even if the seller's checkout has an auto dropdown list of addresses to choose from, I've found they will always let you add some things manually. Just fiddle around and experiment until you no longer get the annoying red error message.

But obviously this depends on your particular living situation and how observant the particular driver is.