r/AskWomenOver60

Hey everyone,

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I’m 64 years old soon to be separated from a long term marriage. I began to wear panties and nylons 10 years ago in the past year or so dresses and skirts and shoes and tops, and my ladies wardrobe has grown.. during that time I’ve come to realize that as a woman, I have such peace and confidence and feeling like I not sure ever have as 64 years of being a man. So it’s 64 years old I began to pursue life as a trance. How do I begin to do that?

Recently I’ve been going through my things in preparation for eventually moving- or dying, come to think of it. At this age (71)take your pick!

In my 20’s I dated and briefly lived with a wonderful guy and have a bunch of old photos. This was in the era of Fuji throw aways so there are no cuddling selfies, just pictures of us separately or of him in a small group.

Years after we broke up we both married and he had a daughter, born in around 1998. I don’t know if it matters but he also had 3 older daughters from his first marriage.

The girl was only about 5 when her father died from lung cancer in 2003. I can only imagine how devastating that situation was. I hadn’t been in touch with him for about 15 years and only knew his sweet wife from training her for a position I was leaving. No contact since. She never remarried.

I’d like to send his daughter some of these photos, and maybe a few letters he wrote, as long as there’s nothing mushy in them. I have no idea if she has many and it must have been so emotionally difficult for her to grow up without him. I have no doubt she was the brightest sparkle in his life and it must have been terrible for him, leaving her behind.

The thing is, I don’t know if I should just send them to her, probably by email, or if I should ask permission from her mother. His daughter is a grown woman now, must be 28, and LinkedIn shows her as a lovely, stable, educated woman of whom he would be so proud.

So give me your best advice? Am I overthinking this? Underthinking? Being silly?

Thanks!

Hi, ladies! I just turned 29 and I’m looking for advice :)

I have about a year left of my 20s, and I feel like I’ve already done a lot in life, but I’d love more ideas and inspiration.

If you could go back to your 20s, what would you do? Something for the first time, something again, something sooner, something differently?

Or if you did do something in your 20s and still think “I’m so glad I did that” - tell me. ☘️

I continue to read about unreasonable wedding dress codes. I'm not talking about a general dress code such as formal, dressy casual, cocktail, etc., but dress codes that go so far as to specify colors,. styles, length, etc. I might go along with it as far as color if the color is something I like and would normally wear. I will absolutely not bow down to demands about style, length, etc. I'm not wearing something that I don't like or that is unflattering to please someone else. Neither will I buy an outfit to comply that I would be unlikely to ever wear again. If I do buy an outfit to attend an event, it will have to be something I can wear again. Not using my limited clothing budget for something I would wear once, and never again. l d rather decline an invitation than to comply with such outrageous demands. What do you all think?

Soon enough, but I don't wanna be bothered signing up for all this Mcare sh*t. I don't wanna and I know I Know I have to!! Any one else feeling this way? Did u sign up already? Ugghhh I guess I've got to cause if I dont' all kinds of up charges. I need motivation. Lol this feels bad getting old..... thanks for reading. Just venting

Have any of you women been scared to use this ? also the applicator does not make sense . I dont think I have ever used an applicator like that ever . Goodness why do they have to make things for women so hard ? Have any of you done anything different to not worry about the side effects ? especially where it said it could cause a stroke ....

EDIT: thanks everyone!! I found one at Walmart.

In an effort to upgrade my look, I’ve recently bought some cute summer dresses, and didn’t even try them on before buying. Once home, I realized that they are all fairly thin, and I feel like I should wear a slip with them but honestly don’t know when I last saw slips in a store! I haven’t worn a dress (or a slip) in many many years.

Are they still a thing? If not, what does one wear under thin clothing like that?

Today my primary care doctor, who I generally have a good relationship with and generally like and trust as a doctor told me these things about my lifelong "severe anxiety" (which I do have):

1. I think it's bad now, but will be much worse in another 10 years, and used takotsubo cardiomyopathy as an example of something that could happen. Already knowing that I have white coat htn from anxiety at the dr office and probably at other stressful places doesn't help.

2. Told me that it seems like I'm giving up on myself. Tried to push me to see a different psychiatrist because they might be different/helpful than the prior ones. Also told me I'm his most anxious patient.

3. I felt like he basically ignored my own lived experience of SSRIs causing a huge exacerbation of anxiety for the previous 6 years -- when I explained they put me in fight or flight mode, he said that's how I am now too and that I should try non-SSRIs.

4. Told me that I need to be on medication for my anxiety, despite having really bad reactions to about a dozen psych meds (mostly SSRIs/SNRIs/buspar). I don't think I have it in me to recover one more time from bad side effects.

None of what he said is untrue, and it was not said unkindly but more matter of factly, but it was a lot to deal with at once when he didn't really offer solutions/suggestions aside from the general yoga/meditation/breathing/psychiatrist/therapist. Obviously I don't know how to solve it and no professionals have helped me very much so what does he expect me to do when psych made it worse.

I've been crying for the past 3 hours since the appointment because it seems like I've reached a tipping point where only really bad things will happen if my anxiety isn't cured soon. Doubly sad because I'm not sure if it's in my best interests to keep seeing a physician who's so focused on my anxiety (although I've had a bunch of health issues lately and been sick most of 2026 and he's thoroughly ruled other things out before considering anxiety as a factor).

Has anyone managed to live a healthy life with chronic anxiety or did it eventually affect your health? Not sure what else to ask but I'll take any advice about anything I wrote.

Well, less women are having babies or getting married in my broad social circle. A function partially of my age bracket, my choice to be childfree, fact I live hundreds/thousands kms. away and also maybe I simply don't have many much younger good friends.

Last wedding I attended was a niece's- 15 yrs. ago.

Last baby shower....hmmm. Maybe was 43 yrs. ago. Not every woman I knew well had a baby shower. I don't think my 3 sisters had a baby shower for every baby of theirs. However they certainly got a gift from me, as an aunt every time child was born.

And for good female friends, they had their babies over 100 km. or more away. I was simply informed with photos which was great.

Just had my 60th a couple of days ago. My aunt texted me wishing me a HB and added that my grandmother said she didn't feel old until she was 70 so I've got 10 years. 😂 Made me feel good;)

Last time I saw a guy for a date and I’ve been seeing him for about a month. Most times I saw him all we did was kiss. He was telling me about his hobbies or interests and I thought he was really nice. I never saw Star Wars and he told me about how he does light saber fights with his friends or they choreo it. And he told me he’d send me more info about Star Wars so I can learn.

But most recently he went from talking to me to just full on making out with me. Then giving me a hickey. And I was taken aback. After that he didn’t see interested to make any more plans. I got so confused and followed up about it. And in the past we both collaborated for plans. Now he’s texting me and last thing he said was asking what I want to do, and I asked him which day and time works. But we don’t have a place set. And our plans are supposed to be in like a day. So I don’t know what to do now.

He was hardly messaging me these past days and now said he had to stay at work. But idk. I feel like if I continue to press these plans it’s not gonna lead me anywhere good. I already feel like he was just trying to hook up last time because we went on a hiking trail and this time I picked one that was more remote. That’s where he was doing that much kissing. And then I felt the switch up of not really wanting to make plans. Do I just let this go?

He has some work thing coming up but he didn’t seem to urgently wanna make these plans with me and I just don’t know what to do now. Our plans are allegedly for soon and he hasn’t confirmed anything or picked a place. Just talking about other stuff

My twin boys are almost 30. It's starting to feel a little weird having photos of them at ages 2-18 around my house. What do you guys think? I feel weird asking. I'm sorta thinking about it from two angles - 1) does it make them feel weird, and 2) those kids are 'gone' - shouldn't I let that go?

Thanks for your kindness.

Where do I begin researching the steps required for a “gray divorce”. I’m 66, married for 41 years. 3 grown kids, all married with small children. Lots of marital assets to consider.

68 here, and used to be so healthy. For years and years my only doctor appointments were for yearly "maintenance". Some back issues, but I got through them. I've always been active, kind of a loner who likes to garden and work outdoors (not in our midwest winters, haha) and do house projects. No kids, but a few friends to socialize with occasionally and I enjoyed planning menus, making meals for them very much.

I used to fit in weight training and running, along with my activity-filled days with no problem. About 5 years ago, it was suggested that I stop running because of my back issues so I did and I took up yoga. Two years ago, I needed to have rotator cuff surgery (my first surgery since having my tonsils out at 7) because I was helping take care of my Dad and tore some ligaments with repeated lifting. The weights were put in a corner, then in a box in a closet. Immediately after I started to heal from that, then came breast cancer. Lumpectomy and radiation and an estrogen-blocker for the next few years. Last year we moved. This year I had bunion surgery and am pretty much recovered by now, but wtf. I've never felt so old and tired, and my 60yo self would be horrified.

It's spring and I've been planting at our new house. My husband built and filled raised beds to make it easier for me. The house needs some work, so I'm painting and repairing. I was finally cleared for exercise a couple of weeks ago and I've set up a schedule but this is SO difficult. I will do a couple of days but, for example, yesterday I worked outside in 90 degrees. Hydrated, wore a hat etc. but it wiped me out. Today, 7am exercise/yoga time arrived and a half hour later I'm still in a comfy living room chair with coffee. I just can't do it.

Sorry for the rambling. I used to love to exercise. I took care of an old house and landscaping and would also run and exercise without a problem as little as 7 years ago and felt fine. Yes, the estrogen blocker is hell. I've gained weight and have other side effects, but I want to push through them. I just can't feel any motivation any longer. I'm tired. My husband helps with the work around the house a lot, but he's 74. And, to be honest, incredibly frugal. Cheap. Hiring someone to do any work is impossible so it falls on us. And that won't change any time soon because he is stubborn.

HOW do I get through this? How do I motivate myself to exercise, to do weights, when every part of my body is screaming NO! Has anyone else experienced this? My body looks horrible, I've started hiding my size small clothes and buying mediums and I hate that. I always thought that I would age gracefully but it's simply not happening.

Vent over, sorry for the super-long post but I'm avoiding exercise hour... 🙄

TL,DR: I'm stuck. I need motivation to exercise and get back into shape after a few years of doing the basic minimum, but just can't figure out how to do it and KEEP doing it. I'm tired and sore from working outdoors, which I so used to love but now not so much. Any advice?

EDIT: Wow, I never expected so many responses! I have read them all and there are so many options for me to try. I guess it was silly of me to expect that I could just jump back into my previous exercise routine without any modifications, so I will be doing that. I do have a dog and an exercise area with equipment, so they will all be getting some time with me in the coming months. We just moved, so I need to research nearby exercise classes, maybe that will help me socially as well. So absolutely uplifting to have this information and to be able to make a plan! Thank you, all 🙏🏻

This is not a question, but more of an appreciation post for the gift of growing older.

I’ve been on this sub for a few months, and am turning 60 today. As for many of us, life so far has not been easy, but it has had its good points. I raised an exceptionally kind and empathetic son, in spite of his abusive, manipulative father. I have work that I find exceptionally challenging and exceptionally rewarding, and I hope to retire around 65. 

I spent the years after my divorce at 50 hopeful for romantic love, only to become increasingly disillusioned with each of three significant relationships (one lasted 4 years, the other two lasted at most 9 months). Finally stepped back at 59, focused on my own interests and health, completed an intense trauma therapy series, and settled into being peacefully alone. 

Therapy and time on my own helped immensely, and the ingrained feelings from decades of hurt, anger, and resentment have seemed to kind of flatten out, fall like scales from my eyes, and settle beneath my feet, for lack of a better description. I am finally able to embrace that, although I am far from perfect, I was always, and remain, abundantly lovable and gloriously enough (even if I am the only one who thinks so!).

Anyway, Happy Birthday to me! At 60, I feel like I am finally at home in myself.

TLDR: I love dogs, but don't want another with my husband. What do I do if he brings one home without asking?

UPDATED to clarify that the local government-run shelter (where I spotted him visiting, today) is filled to the brim, and (I will call to confirm) they do NOT do home visits or have many rules about who can/can't adopt. If someone is willing to take a dog, they are generally allowed to with NO background/home checks.

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I'm in a long-term bad marriage with a man I don't trust. (Please save the "get a divorce" advice - there's reasons that are NOT good, that I stay, but it is what it is, right now.) I'm asking this sub because I'm over 60 and feel better about getting advice from women who have lived some.

I'm a HUGE dog lover. My husband calls himself a dog person but, every single time that we have adopted (4, so far), he has threatened, within the first 6-9 months, to "send the dog back." He is childish (despite achieving 70+ years on earth) and has anger issues and BIG TIME control issues and, if the dog doesn't behave exactly as he thinks it should, within weeks of adoption, he thinks the dog is deliberately trying to be bad. He is an idiot. But this has happened EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

Our 3rd dog was one that he wanted, and I did not. We already had a dog, and I'm the primary caregiver/exerciser/payer for our dogs, so one was enough for me. I made him promise that HE would take her to training, and we got her. I fell in love with her right away. He chose to take her to a chain pet store for training and do NOTHING with her, between classes, to train, so she was wild and behaved badly - and chewed up some of his stuff. I happened to catch him on "dog cam" from work one day, SCREAMING at her, throwing things at her crate while she was in it - I can't begin to describe the vitriol and I immediately told my boss I had to go home. I separated the dogs and myself from him for days. This was some time ago and I don't remember how it was "resolved," if he EVER took responsibility or apologized, but it wasn't, really, resolved. From that day forward, she was MINE (by my choice) and I told him I would call the cops on him for animal abuse if I ever caught him behaving that way again. He eventually - as he always does - warmed to her again (because she behaved better under my close watch) and things settled down. But I promised myself then that, after these 2 dogs were gone, I was never getting another with him.

After she died - he tried to adopt. On a day when he thought I wouldn't be home, he arranged a home visit with a rescue. I stayed out of sight knowing I would not let this happen, but didn't get involved because I didn't want to put that person in the middle. As she was leaving, however, the rescue person apparently overheard me arguing with him and they rejected his application (thank dog!).

When my last (heart) dog died in February, I started to give away all our "dog stuff" to rescues. He keeps hinting at wanting another, and I tell him flat out that I don't want another dog, and he doesn't understand why (though I have told him). He keeps stealing the dog stuff that I pile up to donate, and hides it away from me. He is rebuilding a fence in our back yard that is only needed if we have a dog. He's being sneaky, and deceitful and, today, when I checked his location on my phone - he was at the animal shelter.

I, of course, would LOVE to have a dog ... without him. I forgot to mention that, with our dogs, the care always falls to me. I'm the one who walks them religiously, entertains them, takes them to the vet and pays for it, researches food choices and pays for it, buys all the toys and treats and ... basically everything. He may prepare their meals and sometimes cleans up, but 90-95% of the work is me. That's partly because I love them, partly because I don't trust him, and partly because he is what's known today as "under-functioning:" He just doesn't know how to do adult things, and has no interest in learning (why should he? I do it all). EVEN if I did want another dog with him, though - I just stopped caregiving for our last one a few months ago. I'm tired. And still grieving.

SO if he should somehow manage to bring home a dog against my will - what do I do? It will kill me to return it (I'm fall in love with them quickly). It will scare me to ever leave it alone with him. It will PISS ME OFF no end that he's gone and done it, knowing I did not want him to. I will want to leave him but NOT alone with a dog. I'm anticipating something that may not happen, but am very fearful of his history of moods and anger and irresponsibility.

I dread the kind of feedback I'm going to get from this post, but my marriage is f**ked up and hard to explain, and the reasons I'm still in it are only partly clear, even to myself - so please be pragmatic but kind. And thank you for, if nothing else, letting me vent. I do plan to talk to my therapist about this, but she doesn't give advice.