u/Sugarrushangel

I jumped at the opportunity to take a long term position at the beginning of the year since it means consistent jobs and higher pay. However, it’s at a school that doesn’t really seem to know what they’re doing half the time. I think they really expect me to build a class from scratch two days before school starts (their hired teacher is new and has no definitive start date). But that’s besides the point.

What tips can you give me as a sub for educating with empathy and compassion while also managing sometimes extreme behavior?

I (23f) have been friends with James (29m) for a little over three years now. We consider ourselves best friends and are extremely close. He was the best man at my wedding to my husband (33m) (please no comments on my marriage age gap) in October of last year. 

Please, genuine advice only. Don't just say that i'm dumb. I know that much.

I tried to format this in a readable way since I know it is a wall of text, so that is what the section headers are for. 

Background problems:

Recently, my husband and I have been having some conversations about the amount of time I spend with James. Although we both have friends of the opposite gender, I was seeing James almost every day. I figured it was natural since we were both in college together and studying the same major, and we also shared a lot of classes together, but things came to a head when James got blackout drunk on Christmas break at my house. 
He drank a little over a quarter of a bottle of dark liquor and was so drunk that I could smell it coming out of his pores. I’ve never seen someone so drunk before. He was crying, toppling over, throwing up, etc. At some point, he snuck out of the front door without his phone and was missing for two hours. I later found him half naked and crying in the back of my husband’s pickup truck. I was LIVID. I have never been so mad before in my life. I couldn’t understand why he would allow himself to get so wasted and act like that at a casual evening hangout. I ended up having to take his keys because he was trying to drive home, and he kept knocking on the master bedroom door for a while after that trying to get me to give up the keys.
 
Needless to say, my husband and I had a big fight. He was very upset that my friend felt comfortable acting like this around me and expecting me to essentially babysit him while he tried his best to ruin his life. I agreed with my husband completely and I contemplated cutting off the friendship, but my husband was adamant that I should keep the friendship, just put more boundaries in place. His main concern is that the age difference between me and James is pretty big, and James should know better at this point in his life. 

I ended up putting some major distance between me and James. I graduated in the fall of last year, so we no longer study together or see each other much. At most, we see each other once every 13-14 days. We still text very consistently though. My husband and I were both comfortable with this arrangement. 

James has been vocally upset with the distance. He’s very clingy. Although he outwardly says he understands, he often tells me he feels neglected. This has caused tension between us because I think that hanging out every couple of weeks is normal for working professionals (especially if one is MARRIED), but he prefers friendships where he sees the person every day. He has other friends (men and women of varying ages) and they usually hang out a couple of times a week. His other very close female friend and him used to hang out multiple times a week as well. The difference is, he is still in college. All his friends are still in college. They’re all taking the same classes and studying the same things. None of them are married or living with their partners either.  Me graduating, starting a job as a teacher, and being recently married changes the dynamic. 

James also frequently gets drunk at parks near my house in the back of his car. I hate it, and I have told him I do not support his behavior and will not engage with him during those times. 
Some other important context: my stepdad was sober for 12 years, and he relapsed last year due to my mom exposing him to alcohol repeatedly (my mom is a POS). He died suddenly in late February from an alcohol-related incident. I was really close with him and loved him a lot. 

Current problem: 

James got a DUI on Thursday night. He texted me at 9pm telling me to come pick him up immediately from the park near my house. I immediately knew he was drunk again. I told him that I would not be picking him up. He told me there were cops. 
I called his brother and asked him what he wanted me to do. James lives with his family still, so I figured they would want to come get him. I was wrong. His parents and brother told me to go find him and let them know what the situation was. They seemed irritated at me. I showed up at the park three minutes later and James was getting his blood drawn by police. His other close friend showed up shortly after. The police let James go home but they impounded his car. I called James’s family and let them know what was going on, and they started yelling at me not to let the cops take the car. I calmly asked them if they wanted to come get their son/brother, but they replied that they’d rather me bring him home. I hung up, tore James a new one, and then let his other friend take him home. 

Impact on me: 

I have not talked to James since then. He reached out this morning with a sorta apology, but it was just a lot of “I’ll change and get better”. I feel hurt and betrayed but I can’t really vocalize why. I want to be there for my friend, especially since I know he is going through some really traumatic things in his life right now. He lost the opportunity to have his dream job, and his grandpa is dying because he can’t afford to pay for his grandpa’s treatments (the rest of his family lives on welfare, so they expected James to pay for the treatments since his grandpa has no health insurance or savings), among other things.
But I just can’t help but feel hurt. My husband has been kind and supportive of me, but he keeps telling me I need to come to my own conclusions about my friendship. He doesn’t feel comfortable weighing in. 

I feel very alone and sad, and I’m not sure how to proceed. Part of me has a plan that he needs to go to therapy, reach a resolution with his alleged DUI case, and accept that he has an alcohol problem and go to AA before I will allow him in my life again, but the other part of me wonders if it is just over. I don’t want to let this friendship go, as much as I hate to admit it.

Which is the best choice out of the two? Is there a third option i'm not considering?

TL;DR 
Best friend got caught drunk driving, I’m not sure how to proceed forward.