u/TheRed779

I havent been updating my diary as much as i should, i should everyday. Everything has been ok.

Today is saturday, the first day i cant eat, i really want to eat, food has been tasting really good ever since iv only been eating once daily, but i dont know if im losing weight, i really hope i am im scared im not but i dont think im gaining weight. i thought about flipping a coin to see if i should eat or not but i think ill just not eat unless maybe my family really insists i eat.

Iv been doing alot, iv been trying to meet people, i have a discord server thats on disboard and when im ready to talk to new people i bump the server, but the past 2 days and today no one has joined it

Im just gonna post this now bc nothing intrests gonna happen anyways

Time of writing: 1:02 PM

I can barely do anything, no matter what im doing, or where i am, i feel fat and ugly, im not even fat, im0 not even chubby, i weigh like 150 pounds and im losing weight. But no matter what i cant stop feeling bloated or gross, i got out of the shower 40 minutes ago and already feel disgusting. Maybe its this gross house im in, i dunno.

Yesterday i realized something, iv always thought if i was a girl i wouldnt hate my body, but then i realized id just look like my mom, and my mom is ugly, so either way id just be fucked over, though atleast if i was a girl people would be nice to me.

Time of writing 1:50 PM

Iv been sucking in my gut every since i woke up and i just realized, i hate feeling this way. I want to cover my entire face and everything, iv been thinking about wrapping up my face like a burn victim. I feel like i make everyone around me uncomfortable, and i probably do, i know alot of people dont care, but i know i make everyone just a little uncomfortable, and i hate it, i feel like an asshole for it. Its worse because its better for me to dress as shitty as possible. I dont like having my hair any way, or having on any clothes besides plain shit, or trying to look cool or any way i want to look because i know i look like shit, because of this stupid house i probably smell like shit, i cant afford any cool clothes anyways, so i just dress like a hobo on purpose because atleast it doesnt seem like i want to be cool, its less embarrassing.

Time of writing 2:19 PM

You know im thinking about it right, maybe i just lose, like maybe im just born to live this kind of life and be a loser, like i don't think i can change at all to be more happy, i think this is just what i have. I'm always going to hate my own skin, I'll always be alone, maybe ill create a few things, maybe, probably not, maybe its just fine, i mean some people are born and spend their whole lives in a cellar.

Maybe i should kill myself, its not like theres much waiting for me, maybe there is, but the chances are so slim theres no point. I probably wont for a while though, im scared it'll hurt, i dont have a gun and thats about the only way thats painless. I could jump off something but nowhere around me is high enough

Iv been thinking of getting a job but no where is hiring, and i know i won't have the energy for it and i don't want to make people mad, i feel lazy for not having one.

I doubt I'll do anything today, . Bye diary

P

It feels like everything i do can make me feel ugly, i saw a girl who looked kinda cool at the gas station earlier, i got embarrassed and left as soon as i could, i tried to listen to music earlier and felt ugly and it just made me sad, i havent looked in a mirror in a week. I feel bloated, i ate so much today, i didnt mean to, i had to eat because i didnt want to waste food, i had to of eaten like 1400 calories worth of shit, im not gonna eat tomorrow i think.

I wish i could just take off my face and put on a different one. Iv thought about buying a mask but it just wouldnt work.

Im still in this dirty house, i want things to be clean, i want to wear clean clothes.

Besides that i did nothing today except clean a bit and did laundry, i talked to my friends a bit but only a bit. I didnt draw at all or write.

I talked to a new person but i didnt like them alot.

I think im gonna go back to being awake at night, i dont like being awake in the day, i think it makes me feel more ugly.

I skipped two days on accident, well basically nothing much happened, i ate alot yesterday ndnit made me feel bloated but im gonna be eating good for the next few days atleast, im trying to only really eat chicken and veggies, so basically chinese will be my go to for a bit.

I saw my sister yesterday for the first time in a while, i felt like shit bc i probably smelled like shit bc of this stupid house im in and mt clothes were dirty, so i was a bit embarrassed, besides thaf it was good, shes kinda a cunt, not really her fault tho and shes definitely not gonna be as much of a meth head as the rest of her family.

Iv been deeling fairly confident the past few days but idk how long it'll last. Goodbye diary, ill try and do this more consistently

I stayed up so late. Its 3 pm rn, i shouldvt slept hours ago.

I wasnt gonna eat today but i think i still will bc i have to do laundry later and ill need something fo wake me up for an hour or 2.

Besides that i sornt all day on the phone with my friends, again again, it makes it easy for me to have an ok day but i dont end up doing anything, i need to do stuff, i havent even tried to meet people in lkke 3 days. I will tomorrow i hope, maybe i wont, if i feel ugly i probably wont, so i probably just wont but i hope i do. I wonder how mt weight loss has been, i dont have a scale so i cant see.

I think im doing bad, iv need to not eat bread apparently its bad , im gonna try to not eat bread at all after today, i wonder what other foods make u really fat. Thats all i guess, goodnight diary

Time of writing, 12:43 morning, i had an ok day, i spent all day on the phone with my friends, i didnt go out today, i think im gonna do laundry later. I feel fat and gross, i am gross, i feel unclean. I want clean clothes, clean skin, clean hair, but i havent had any of those all at once in months, i hate it. I wrote somestuff earlier, its all stupid. I want things to all go away, i just wanna be in a clean house and be clean and be able to go outside and do stuff. I think im gonna go to sleep now, goodnight diary

Current time of writing; 1:30 AM.

i hate philosophy, ok well thats not true, infact maybe i love it, but philosophical jackasses thinks they're tough shit. I think about the joke of "haha babies will be doing stupid baby shit and suddenly ask you a super philosophical question like "dad why do we think"", i hate the concept thats a "hard philosophical question", we think because of the fact we are living animals, the frontal lobe thinks via chemicals and shit sending signals and that part of the brain ends up coming up with all kinda of shit, we think to live and like many other animals those thoughts that were designed to keep us alive end up turning into emotional thoughts of our own individual life. I hate the thought of "We'll everything is just chemicals blah blah" because it is so useless and counter productive at a certain point, its good to know were just chemicals and that humans and brains will work a certain way most of the time, i think thats probably the foundation of psychology, but thinking that nothing truly matters because of that fact, or saying things like love arent actually real or whatever, its so worthless, you have the chemicals to process higher thought and possibly shape the world around you for every other mass of atoms and chemicals, yet you waste it putting down the chemicals that other masses possess, what worthless thoughts, though i know this has been said plenty of times before. But then again, everything is new to someone, sometimes when i find something i wouldve thought was funny when i was like 10 and then am like "this sucks and this is unfunny" i have a little part of me that says "well, it is but, im sure theres another 10 year old laughing his ass off at this rn and he'll find it just as unfunny in 6 years.

All modern philosophers are probably behind the wendys smoking crack, maybe we dont even have any right now, alot has already been said, but then again you never know what you dont know.

People dont like to say it, even if its well known, but alot of people are essentially looking for a family member when they're looking for a real relationship, people think its gross and weird, in a way it kinda is, but its not like accepting this fact will mean you find your mom hot. Personally i know exactly why i look for the kind of woman i look for, alot of the traits i want in a partner i want because of loneliness at a young age and seeing people do things i wanted to do, and then the lack of a full motherly figure in my life made me, not attracted to any traits my mother or any other figure had, but attracted to what i had lacked as a child, i dont understand why this is seen as a gross thing, well, i do, and its pretty simple but, it shouldnt be.

I dont even know what im talking about i think.

I had a boring day today, i cleaned a bit, i dont think i ate too much today, all i did was spend all day doing like nothing besides thar and i called my friends fod a bit.

I wanted to draw today but i couldnt i got too embarrassed of my drawings and felt too ugly to draw cute stuff, i think im gonna try again tmr. Goodbye diary

I ate alot today and i feel horrible, im not gonna eat tomorrow, i ate like 1400 calories and i feel so full i hate it. Besides that i had an ok day, i was ok the phone with my friends all day and i had fun with that kinda.

When i slept i had a dream about driving to a store 1000 miles away, for some reason there was no stores and i called a guy to deliver food to my car 3 times, the last time he asked me to drive him backwards a bit, i did and since it was night when we saw a bunch of people walking on the road i immediately thought it was zombies. It wasnt. After that i decided to just give him my car and walked the rest of the way. When i got to the store i spent 3 hours walking around trying to find out how to spread 10 dollars out perfectly and buy a bunch of shampoo and skincare product stuff. I couldnt find exfoliater so i just kept walking around the store over and over.

When i got to the register the lady there decided to just give me a discount because i was a bit over 10 dollars. And after that i just had dreams about weird patterns and tunnels and i woke up (9:40 pm).

Goodnight diary

I think i had a good day today, i walked for 3.2 miles, i think i ate over 1000 calories which kinda sucks but i probably wont be eating tmr so its fine. I didnt meet anyone today i was too tired, but i feel good today which is good. I wanna sleep now but i think i have to do stuff later.

I watched waterloo 1970 today, i havent finished it i have like 20 mins left, but i love it alot, even tho i know the side im cheering for is gonna lose its really exciting.

Bye diary

I think i skipped a day, i think i mightve slept all day im not sure. I had an ok day today. Im gonna try and lose some weight soon, i weigh 150 pounds i think, its been a year since iv weighted, im scared i might actually weigh 160 but i dont want that to he true so i just say 150. My goal is 120 but i dream about only weighing 90. Im 5'5 right, iv been 5'5 since i was 14 and back then i used to be 100 pounds back then. I remember when i was a kid you could see most of my ribs and spine, i kinda want it like that again but not like TOO skinny thats too much.

I spent most of my day just doing nothing. My wifi goes to shit around 11 pm so i hust use mobile data do i cant play any video games i actually wanna try at. I tried to talk to people earlier and i only met 2 and i didnt like them. I tried drawing too but i didnt do good but i didnt get mad either.

I think i had a good day today, im kinda hungry i only ate 2 burgers today and i drank alot of soda but only bc thats all i had to drink. I think im gonna sleep soon. Bye diary

I forgot what month it was last time. I had a bad day today, iv only been up for an hour.

I had to go get food, first i went to get drinks for the rest of the day, and i had to go buy my uncle and me food with the money my grandma left since shes gonna be gone all day, on my way to the store for drinks a girl yelled out to me thrice, once she asked my name and got the right name, i havent got to shower today, and im all sweaty and look like shit, i got shy and didnt answer. Idk who it was, i know my sister lives near the town but it didnt sound like her but it couldve been one of her friends or something, the only other person i could think of is one of my cousins but i havent seen her in years so she wouldnt know what i look like i think.

I feel bad, i feel angry too i missed out on talking to soneone because of this stupid dirty house

After that i went to get food and didnt have enough money for my food, so i just got my uncle food, im not too mad about that though, i need to lose weight anyways

I woke up at 6 pm, its 7:20 now am im going back go bed for the rest of the day, i feel tired. Bye dairy