I believe (based on learning about my early childhood) that I wasn't really held adequately as a child. I think this explains a lot of my incredible need to be held as an adult (that generally does not get met).
I am wondering if this is something that can be healed through IPF or needs more than just a visualization and requires "the real thing." Despite having done IPF for ~2 years and now tested secure, this still feels like a hole in my heart.
Looking for references of psychoanalytic cases where the patient is highly relationship avoidant, asexual (in some way that presents as a symptom that the patient is not happy with), unable to get into relationships despite seemingly being interested in one, or otherwise romantically deprived.
I'm not too particular about the exact formulation but quite interested in studies in this general vein. Have been reading Betty Joseph's papers but haven't come across a case like this.
The common theme in therapy is that what happens in the "real world" is played out in the therapy room.
However the opposite could also happen - that the patient behaves opposite to how they would in the real world in the therapy room. Eg, the patient who never cries except in front of the therapist.
One could definitely use this as the basis for an interesting analysis but my question is how does the therapist distinguish behaviors that are occurring due to transference vs behaviors that are in some sense the opposite (never play out except in the therapy setting, due to the very unique strange nature of therapy)?
Are there examples (case studies for ex) of patients who make themselves "invisible"/forgettable through transference/countertransference while superficially appearing to be assertive and present?
Are there other psychoanalysis focused subs to discuss one's own experiences with psychoanalysis?
There is r/TalkTherapy but I think that one is extremely broad in focus.
How does psychoanalysis approach the topic of loneliness or particularly, rejection by peer groups or social ostracism?
Any references or readings would be helpful
I meet my analyst only once a week and feel anxious that I'm not progressing fast enough.
what can I do on my own between sessions to help me progress when I can't have more sessions?
Can (counter)transference happen purely over text?
can it happen purely through seeing images/photos of a person?
Got curious after reading one of betty joseph's papers where she talks about, analyzing a session in a seminar and although the patient is not there, the class gradually realizes that their confusion reflects countertransference and was the "key" to understanding the patient/session.
I have been reading "psychic equilibrium and psychic change": papers by betty joseph
On the one hand, I totally believe the reports of countertransference.
On the other hand I find myself feeling like some of the interpretations of dreams feel like a reach. It's not even absolutely clear to me that the dream reported is actually related to the analysis let alone in the way she interprets it. It feels more convenient biased to give more evidence of the countertransference.
However I'm just a layperson and I have no idea. Maybe her interpretations are really accurate. It's not impossible it is just hard for me to see.
Has anyone read this book and could give insight?
I (layperson) find the process of choosing a psychoanalyst to be quite confusing. Particularly because so much of the time if I express discomfort with the process (perhaps I suspect the person is not very skilled) I'm told that "that is the work" and my feelings are some type of resistance, and psychoanalysis can take many years and so I have to stick it out to know if it's working.
I am also not really aware of differences in institutes and trainings to understand how those may impact the person's experience.
Then in this situation how is one supposed to choose an analyst? How can you know if they are truly skilled and the difficulty is "the work" or if they are unskilled and that is causing the issues? How many sessions to wait it out and give it a chance?
Just something I've been wondering. It seems like simply intellectually seeing the pattern and sheer force of will is generally not enough (especially in romantic situations where it is not easy to forcibly date someone one is not attracted to, although you could try) and even if one sees the connection to childhood patterns, even then it might not be enough to actually change it. I'm wondering if it's possible to resolve without a therapist pointing out the deeper underlying root emotional causes that aren't just the surface level "well, your mom was unavailable like that so you choose unavailable people" type of connection.
How does the analyst know if a patient is repeating patterns because of projective identification vs because they are particularly good substrate for others to put a specific projection onto them?
In general, how does one untangle the patient's projections onto others that subconsciously influence their behavior, from the projections of others due to their unconscious feelings?
I was reading Janet Malcolm's book and she discusses a couple cases, eg one where the therapist is sleepy and realizes that the patient is inducing sleepiness to avoid her sexual feelings, and another where the patient does not speak for months and induces in the therapist the feelings that the patient felt from his mother's silence/withdrawal.
In the first case she describes how the therapist gradually helped by pointing out when the sexual fear arose,
But in the second case I am not sure. She describes "Khan's reconstruction through countertransference of the boy's early experiences" but I would like to understand what that actually means, how it would have played out? Evidently it worked but I am not sure how.
I am a layperson and just trying to understand better what the techniques are to address such induced feelings in the therapist that are disowned in the patient.
Welp, after ~3 years I re-took an AAI and tested secure (initially dismissing). feels weirdly sad. I already knew I would test secure because I felt the internal shifts. i suspect i was already at earned secure several months ago.
anyway, so can confirm it works, or something. I still have a lot of shit to deal with in my life, but we got through this part I guess
So as far as I understand, the main type of therapy when you just need to open up and untangle big trauma or difficult emotional topics is psychodynamic therapy.
My problem seems to be that the psychodynamic therapists I've seen never touch the big topics, we stay veryyyy surface level and when I bring it up, they say that psychodynamic therapy is slow and can take years, they don't want to push me and the main thing is the healing power of the relationship and talking about the meta level of the relationship. It ends up just feeling more CBT like where they just want to talk about action plans, coping skills etc. that I'm not really asking for...
Ok but I've stuck it out in this way for 1-2 years each with different therapists and it just never gets better. The relational aspect seems to do nothing and I'm still saddled with these big complex emotional issues that we never dive into. I have tried basically holding the therapist's hand and guiding them on what to talk about but honestly it is very difficult.
I have tried to give the relational part a real go but it ends up being where I am the one who is actually pausing and asking the therapist "ok, what is going on for you right now" and trying to actually understand our relationship/dynamic, rather than the therapist and I have no idea what to do further. I feel a bit gaslit even because the therapist will say every conflict is me reenacting something with my mother and I genuinely don't know if they're right or if I'm literally just annoyed with the therapist with no reenacting lol.
So my conclusion is maybe psychodynamic isn't right for me because the main aspect is the relationship with the therapist and that relational stuff isn't really helping me, for example unravel the bullying that happened to me in 5th grade if they never dive into it with me lol.
So what IS a good therapy modality for this? Like deeply diving into my past and issues that are still affecting me??
I just ... really REALLY need support but almost all of the talk therapy I've tried in my life has not helped me. I don't know why I just feel like I have never been able to find a truly good therapist because they just... like don't get it at all.
But I'm struggling so much and finding a good therapist is SO hard that I end up sticking with the same therapist for months or even years even when I'm dreading the appointments because it's not helpful just because... at least it's something
Idk it is just hard and I'm truly losing hope for myself
[NB: Please NO comments about how being single is better and having a partner would make things worse]
All the chores simply pile up during luteal phase because I don't have the physical energy to do anything other than the bare minimum at work. All the while feeling guilty because I see people around me keeping up with their lives so much better. Can't invite anyone over because my apt is such a disaster most days.
Then spend my good weeks frantically catching up on chores and work instead of enjoying that time that I feel good.
I end up spending money on takeout because I have no energy to cook, if I haven't been able to meal prep and freeze meals for myself during my good weeks. At least I feel lucky to still have a job and be able to afford this.
Hug pillows because I don't have anyone to give me a hug when that's the thing I need the most. White knuckle my way through SI every month because I can't put that on people every single month.
Stare into space at home alone because I have no energy to socialize. Asking people over and over to check in even a text, but eventually giving up because people just forget I exist after a while.
Not being able to talk about or explain it to anyone because they don't actually SEE how bad it is and without seeing it they're unable to imagine how it is, and if they do happen to witness me breaking down in tears they assume it's a one off, not something I'm dealing with, alone, 7-10 days every single month.
Stopped trying to date because I am too fried to deal with any rejection or any kind of situation that requires dealing with more emotions.
Grit my teeth through doctors gaslighting me about my symptoms because I'm already barely staying present in the conversation and I don't have anyone to back me up or advocate for me.
has anyone practiced the secure intimacy protocol with their facilitator? what was your experience/outcomes like?
I am personally pretty skeptical, I feel like I "get" how IPF can work and have experienced the effects, but the secure intimacy stuff feels like it was just tacked on at the end and feels much more... made up, I dunno, I don't believe in it as much
I was just reading in a book about the connection between not being held as a child and autoimmune illness (which I have).
It makes me sad because I've never had anyone to hold me in my life, and I have no idea where to get that and I feel like when I'm in an illness flare up, my body is crying out to be held, a part of me KNOWS that's what I need for healing but I may never have it? (I don't have a partner, never have and as far as I can tell I probably never will lol no one wants me)
Sooo like I guess I'm stuck with knowing I need this for my physical health and not being able to do anything about it, yay 🫠
I feel like therapists have this focus on authenticity and self acceptance above all else but for me (33 y/o woman who's never been in a relationship and barely gets any matches on dating apps and has tried everything) it just feels like a big eyeroll and like the therapist is naive about what dating is like. I feel like they have nothing to really say in this situation, either we brainstorm more things I can do/try (which I am already doing without therapy too) or she's just like "we can sit with the pain together" which... is not helpful and I would rather not.
At this point, I've come to terms with the idea that the biggest issue is probably just my looks (like, that is the whole point of dating apps so it is hard to deny it) and I am trying to take active steps to work on my looks (even though it kind of makes me sad because I like how I look already, but I am trying to get over that and accept that me liking myself does not mean others will be attracted to me!!), but no therapist likes to talk about that and they all get uncomfortable and want to talk about self acceptance instead.
Ideally I wish therapy could actually help me figure out some other root cause of why I'm struggling so much to attract a partner but as far as I can tell, therapy is not equipped to do this.
And before anyone mentions attachment, yes I have been to hell and back learning/reading/doing therapy on attachment issues, unfortunately it has become clear that that is all meant more for once you're actually in a relationship, not if you're failing to even get a date.
On the other hand dating is pretty much the biggest cause of emotional stress for me so of course everyone is like "have you tried therapy?" But realistically I'm like can therapy even help? Because I feel like the options are. (a) try even more things to improve myself and more ways to get myself "out there" and hope something finally helps, which I'm already doing or (b) accept that this relationship thing is not going to happen for me, which I guess I can do (I'm an absolute star at controlling my emotions!!) but if I do that then there isn't much to talk about in therapy either.
Idk maybe this all points to I should just quit therapy. I guess it's just a rant, I thought therapy could help with such a big fundamental human issue but it feels like there really isn't much there to offer.