u/TinEchidna

I swear even if I could manage to pass or not look jarring with like FFS or whatever else the whole concept of having everyone I already know see me transition gives me chills. I swear I just think of situations like bumping into an old friend, telling my boss, some random uncle, my friends transphobic sister finding out. Like holy shit it makes me want to crawl out of my own skin. Like the gravity of that situation and the fact most people see it as a kinda crazy niche thing to do and especially if they didn’t see it coming or If I wouldn’t pull it off at all.

I swear the only way I would be able to transition is if I move to like Bolivia or something and start a new life. I genuinely cannot handle the concept of someone in my life knowing this.

Like I feel like I shouldn’t be able to get a legendary dragon img first day without paying? It’s too easy and it takes the fun out of it. I used to play as a kid and it was never this easy

I had a thought like if I can’t be a woman then can I just get FFS to make my face softer stay on HRT get body surgeries but stay as a guy? At least then I’d be a very unmasculine twink for a man and wouldn’t be trying and failing to be a woman.

I’m just constantly suffering because of my appearance and it’s kind of up and down how bad I feel about it, but when it’s really bad it really interferes with my life. I feel like there’s no point doing things I want to do because it’s embarrassing to be seen, or because I’ll never have a relationship or some other reason.

It’s not even I’m just ugly I look uncanny like an alien or something. My face is so wide in comparison to my features I genuinely feel guilty making eye contact with people. Like I’m 19 and there’s already no hope of having a relationship. I feel too embarrassed to go outside.

A lot of people seem to think an AMAB can take estrogen and no one will ever notice and it won’t make you in the slightest bit feminine. This isn’t always or even mostly true. Especially if you also have no facial hair, and also have long hair, and also groom your eyebrows, for many you won’t look like a normal man. You probably won’t pass but I’d guess for even most you won’t look like normal men.

I thought no one would tell, 5 months In family members started making comments, strangers started using female pronouns and 10 months in I’ve essentially accidentally become visibly trans. People will gender me female or they me if I talk in a male voice so they see me as a trans woman at least a good portion of the time and not a normal man. At the very least it will make you uncanny if you don’t groom like a normal man either. Not passing for a woman but not as a normal man either.

This is just a warning that unless you keep your hair short or keep stubble or facial hair and actively try to make feminisation less apparent there’s a good risk you won’t look like a normal man.

I’m not saying it’s completely OCD or whatever but I’ve had OCD for many years diagnosed and there’s been so many themes. I always had the gender stuff along side it but I see a lot of similarities with the way I think about my dysphoria.

Even like In online trans communities the constant measurement checking and stuff just seems so OCD to me. These loops people get stuck in for years I think is honestly more than just the dysphoria for a lot of people. Like no one can tolerate uncertainty.

I’m HRT repping on estrogen and sometimes I think about how badly repping or even transitioned AFABs want what I have just as much as I want what they do. Like I have the opportunity to be living someone’s dream if I put the effort even if not a high status male I’m still a male. The fact I can’t appreciate what I was given is actually kinda sad

I’m really struggling with dysphoria and have been since I was young. I started HRT at 18 and it’s now been 9 months and honestly I feel like my situation isn’t really fixable.

I really like what HRT has done, how I feel on it, I prefer how I look now to how I looked before even if I’m not satisfied. I think the problem is I feel very attached to HRT, physically I want to be as unmasculine as my body will allow and I even want FFS. I want nothing more than a more feminine face. I think the issue is I’m just not convinced about transition especially since I’d likely be visibly trans mainly just because I have a big wide head. And I’m unlikely to be able to cope with being visibly trans.

I thought about staying on HRT and just not transitioning, the problem is I’m just paranoid people can tell and honestly I don’t look like a normal man really at this point but I also can’t look like a woman. Strangers will often gender me female due to HRT effects from the front in male clothes and family have made comments. I don’t think it’s sustainable, I don’t want to transition, i don’t want to stop HRT but doing neither will probably continue to cause issues especially with my grooming habits and I wouldn’t be suprised if I already accidentally look like a trans woman that doesn’t pass rather than a man

I feel like the goal of repression is to let it go, to move on and to have other focuses in life. But we end up here instead, venting about how we’ll never pass and never be able to live the life we want to live, and how transition would ruin our lives. But we think our lives are ruined anyway, since we spend our time here. Is repping and living like this even any better than transitioning?

I’m not saying transitioning is the answer, but maybe doing what we’re doing is not the rational sensible choice we tell ourselves.

I honestly think both transition and repping are probably bad options but if we really want to repress why are we here? What’s the point

It’s kinda hard to let it sink in if transition really isn’t possible/a good idea, I wish it was, it’s the only way out but I don’t think it is.

Has anyone managed to be happy without it or know anyone who has? Obviously maybe most of the people here haven’t but it’s very difficult to admit that the only realistic path is to live as a man. And I can’t see anything being truly fulfilling, I don’t want to be a masculine man.

I’m thinking of stopping HRT however honestly it’s the only thing that’s made things slightly bearable. It’s just not realistic long term if you’re not going to transition though especially if it makes you look like you’re transitioning even in male presentation or like you’re about to troon out to everyone you know.

I’m 19 now and can’t really see any way forward. I can’t look at my genitals my face is horrifying to me I can’t really deal with it honestly. It became way worse than I ever imagined it would become when I was younger.

I need FFS I’m just wondering if anyone could give some input on my face what procedures would be recommended?

I’m AMAB, and I’ve been on oestrogen for almost 9 months now since I started at 18. I’ve been really having mixed feelings recently and I’m wondering if anyone has any advice.

I did have a history of dysphoria/wishing I was female as a kid and I found out about transition at 12, and wanted to around 12 or 13 but I was too embarrassed and scared to talk to my parents about it. I also wasn’t very smart or familiar with the internet, so wouldn’t have been the type to be able to figure out DIY or get myself onto a trans community online. For a while I was fine ish with a general feeling of want but it wasn’t a crisis, I eventually had another at 15 and sort of revisited all these feelings but I eventually told myself it was too late or at least there’s nothing I can do now, that transition isn’t something I’d ever do. I sort of had another period of not being in crisis from 16-18 but I was generally mentally unwell for other reasons so maybe my mind was taken off it, I even worked out and liked it for a time. But then it all returned at 18 and the dysphoria was worse than ever from what puberty did to me so I started HRT.

I’m pretty sure I might have been right at 16 to 18 having put this part of myself behind me because I realistically knew it was unlikely to work and the prospect of transition was pretty terrifying and seemed like something I could just never do.

Right now I look back at photos from before HRT almost with horror, I hate how I look now but at least personally what I looked like before was far far worse. I haven’t socially transitioned but I think I realise just being on HRT forever without it probably isn’t sustainable, i feel like I look weird, people tell me suddenly I look “so young for 19” or “more feminine than I used to” so they notice and I can only imagine how bad it looks with my male bone structure. I think for me social transition would also kind of suck, living as a non passing trans woman would be unbearable for me because I’m so neurotic. I couldn’t deal with not pulling it off. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being non passing but I wouldn’t handle it well. I feel like detransitioning and living as a normal man would break me as I age, but transitioning would become too much to bare because of my physical form. I know that if I was living on a desert island I would never stop HRT and I’d be on it for the rest of my life without hesitation but I don’t live on a desert island. I feel like there’s no good options and I’ll be miserable any path I pick? That maybe by starting HRT I opened something up I shouldn’t have and complicated my life unnecessarily.