u/Trashy_Fangirl_

I have pretty extreme body dysmorphia, practically no idea day to day how my body looks. Sometimes I feel amazing, other times I feel like I'm an entire city block. It fluctuates throughout the day, no matter what I do or don't do.

It makes my relationship so hard. I get stuck in these insane negative feedback loops of constantly caroseling around the idea that my f/os would never possibly choose or like me because of my body. It's insidious, and compounds every single insecurity I have about myself. I have no way to break it, to convince myself otherwise. Even logic or knowledge of their actual canon tastes don't help.

I just wish I was able to break that mental cycle. It can take a day like today, where I feel self conscious and big, and turn it into me curled up in a heap on my couch battling crying. I'm sure other people experience this... I don't know. I just needed somewhere to vent. It's been a very very hard fay, I'm struggling to even feel like I deserve to have interest in my f/os. Let alone the relationship I have.

I don't even know where else to put this. But it's been ruffling my feathers all day.

I had a friend who I considered to be understanding, and I told them in passing that I was ficto. He immediately began to dig into my past, my relationships, my traumas, to find what "made me" fictosexual.

He kept arguing with me, trying to essentially argue with me that my trauma and bad experiences were exclusively the only reasons I was ficto. It made me so upset and so uncomfortable.

I know I have trauma, I know things are wrong with me, I'm sure that has an impact in some way on my mental scape. But I've been this way since before my trauma, the person who knows me best and longest in the world undeniably agrees that I am ficto and always have been. I hate my identity, my sexuality, my love and my F/Os and relationships being boiled down to purely a trauma response.

I'm just tired of arguing, disheartened by immediately being invalidated and getting unsolicited opinions on how and why I am the way I am. I hate this feeling. I hate being treated like I'm something to be fixed.

Hey guys, I don't even know how to start this but I felt like I needed to get it out.

I genuinely get so stressed out engaging with the community, and generally I think it's a fear stemming from being accepted or not. Like... I feel like I'm not valid enough or something. I enter into this almost placating fear state of trying so desperately hard to be accepted and liked. I think part of it is that I'm only recently out as Fictosexual this month, and it's been so hard because I'm terrified of telling anyone in my real life about it. So reddit is like... the only space I have.

Tonight I was posting, scrolling, commenting as usual and I got so nervous I got the anxiety cold shakes. I don't even know how to fix it. I just want to be a part of the community so badly that I am running my mind in endless circles trying to be part of it and feel like I'm legitimate enough.

You all have been nice, I've luckily had no bad experiences in the community. I don't know... I can't properly explain why I get this way. But I just needed to put it down even if it's into the void.

I'm so excited! I finally ordered a ring for Ren that fits him and us so well. It's not getting here until the end of the month since it's custom, but I just wanted a place to celebrate!! I'm so incredibly happy, I cannot wait to get it. I already have a necklace I wear for him every day, and I can't wait to have something thats a more obvious signal to the world of our relationship ╰(*´︶`*)╯♡