Just when I feel like im getting better, something happens to ruin it.
I've had a pretty shit childhood.
My mother was emotionally unavailable, and I spent the majority of my childhood caring for her. Emotionally, financially, and physically. I basically stepped into a 2nd parent role. I cared for her when she was upset and helped her financially because she was too afraid to ask my stepfather for help, helped her with all her DIY jobs and everything else because my stepfather was lazy.
My father didn't want me. He was in and out of my life a lot as a child. He prioritised his new girlfriend and her children. He would always tell me all the stuff he did for her kids while I barely got the bare minimum. And his girlfriend at the time would be awful to me. She and her children would essentially bully me as a child. Make note that my mother was aware of this as she is the one who informed me but still allowed me to go visit him and her. I got to an age where I had to cut him off because mentally it was fucking me up.
My stepfather was an alcoholic narcissistic abusive asshole. He was horrible to live with, angry, abusive, and I just can't explain how terrible it was to live in that house with him. He is no longer in our lives anymore.
Recently, I got out of an abusive relationship, and I've been feeling like my life is going okay. I can do everything I've ever wanted to do, and I feel calm and free and happy. But my mother got horribly drunk at the weekend, and i had to rush over to my mothers house to support my siblings, and it kind of set me back emotionally. She was crying, saying she failed as a parent to me and my siblings, saying she didn't know what happened to us as children (she did), saying that she wants to hurt herself, her life is shit and complaining about all of these things. She was throwing her phone about, threatening to go for a walk after she'd be talking about harming herself. We've been telling her she needs help for her physical health and mental health, and she was crying, saying we don't do anything to help her, but we do try. We can't help someone if they dont want to help themselves. If we brought up any of our feelings, she would cry about how shit her life is and how it makes her feel bad when we talk about our childhood. Now I understand to an extent, but she was fully aware of our childhood, she even got to a point where she would sit outside for ages before coming into the house where my stepfather was because she didnt want to deal with him, she was there also engaging in shitty behaviour with my stepfather, she informed me of things I don't remember from my childhood with my biological father that are traumatic. It was just horrible. We just kept arguing, and there was no end. It was a shitty feeling. No child should ever have to deal with this behaviour from their parents. It's made me have this awful weird, empty feeling in my chest/ gut.
I dont know what to do. Things like this make me want to cut her off, but I can't. Me and my siblings cant hide our experiences from our childhood to protect her feelings. All we do is help her and offer support, but she doesn't help herself. I just dont feel like I'll ever escape my shitty childhood. It makes me feel like I just need to be alone for the rest of my life because how can I date people and explain all this shit to them.