Arab parents acceptance (advice needed)
Hello moms and dads, im a 23yr old ftm, i still live w my parents due to financial and personal reasons also as an arab living in the middle east, the norm is to live w ur parents until u wanna get married or have a very stable income (which im not there yet as i have literally just graduated uni).
ever since i was a kid i refused the idea of being a girl and always forced my gender identity and presented as a boy and even asked my parents to call me a boy name that i used to like, always played the dad/bro/son while playing house with my sister. cried if i was forced to wear a dress, took it off always and kept asking for boy superhero costumes and boy clothes.
my mom used to take me and my sister to the mall and i would always try to convince her to get me stuff from the boys section and always refused to buy girl clothes so she ends up giving up and doing what i want even gave in to me trying to have boys boxers.
i came out to her when i was 11, she basically shut me down so hard. i had to bury my feelings and basically emotionally and mentally shut down, still presented masculine but tried to avoid any thoughts about being trans, up until i started having severe panic attacks and very frequent mental breakdowns and depressive episodes, i started going to therapy and we figured that all of that was caused by my repressed identity and slowly i started presenting in a way that was more me.
as i mentioned i was already masculine presenting but i cut my hair ever shorter, started to dress in more of a manly way, i stopped holding back and “girl moding”, i started to hang out more with straight cis men and getting more involved in strict guys only hangouts. also as an arab, i am hairy so i stopped shaving my arms and legs, i started to grow a moustache. i hit the gym and got a more masculine build. weirdly but fortunately, my brain and body had a response where my voice got deeper and i started to look manlier although i am still pre t.
HERE IS THE ISSUE.. my parents started losing their shit as if they did not expect that to happen. they stsrted judging me more, my mother would only speak to me to make a comment about me shaving or changing something in my appearance, my dad would get mad and yell at me saying i look like a man. constant fights and arguments.
my mother ended up forcing me to go to endocrinologists with her, run blood tests, gyno visits and a lot of uncomfortable testing. the endocrinologist outed me to her saying “people like ur kid end up changing their gender based on how ur kid is acting” and when my mother confronted me about it i broke down. i ran to my room while having a panic attack and crying. she followed me and closed the door and sat next to me in bed, she kept trying to take words out of my mouth saying that she wants to help and wants to hear me out, i ended up blabbing everything then she betrayed my trust, she didnt help me, she kept judging me and forcing me to be more like a girl.
so for the next 2 years, my mother’s relationship with me gets worse to the point where we dont talk unless she wants to tell me to change something or shave. i started avoiding her and just took my space and if she ever tells me any comment i just say “sure okay” and end up doing whatever i want. on the other hand, my relationship with my dad during those 2 years have gotten stronger, he calls me at night to watch a show together, sit and talk about life, he rants to me about things and he tries to talk to me about how i feel but i always hide it from him, but we have a very good relationship where we text like best friends during the day at work and at night we hang and have son-father time as he genuinely speaks to me as his son.
2 months ago, my mother found a psychologist on instagram through ads and she decided to text her and told her about me, the doctor told her to come in and she went and talked to her about everything. a week later she tells me about what she did and asked me to go to that doctor and speak to her because she wants to see me. i agreed to go with a plan in mind (my mother picked this doctor and she likes her, if i go and the doctor diagnoses me with gender dysphoria and that i am trans and tells my mother, then mother would believe her because it is coming from the doctor that she likes and she will slowly begin to understand).
i go in, a couple of weeks in and i kept feeling like i am going just to convince her that i am actually a guy and my mother’s wishes of me become a girl is not possible and inachievable. i ended up snapping a month later and asked her “do u seriously believe that u can make me magically become a girl?” she said “no i can’t force u” i told her “then lemme be clear, this isnt possible and we deep down both know it so i need you to help me make my parents understand it” she agreed obviously and a couple of weeks later she sat with my parents. i made sure my dad goes because he is the one that understands me most at home.
the doctor spoke to them (i wasnt there upon the doctor’s request) i gave her consent to talk to them about the topic. i get a call after the session from my dad, it went like this: “the doctor explained how you feel, i understand how hard this must be for u, it isnt easy and cannot be solved by a press of a button, the doctor told us how there is a very small percentage of people who end up not being trans or detransition, the majority of people who have ur case end up transitioning and i want you to know that i accept that u got this issue and i accept you, i am here to help u. i will keep talking to ur mother and i will talk to ur sister about how they treat u, you should be treated just as normal as any other family member and we should stop bringing up this topic and make u feel different and keep arguing about this because it isnt ur fault. i will ask u to try to change but if it doesnt work, i dont want u to end up hurting urself trying to get better, all i ask for is that u stay within the limits of religion (i am muslim and me and my family are religious and we actively practice islam). whatever u do try to stay within the religion borders, if u need anything i am here, i got ur back”
my mother on the other hand told me “do not surrender, keep trying and u will be cured”. she is in denial still, the doctor spoke to her about her judgemental comments and she tries to do better but it took her less than 2 weeks to blab and comment about me shaving again.
my sister also sat with the doctor as she explained to her how i felt even in childhood and how difficult it has been for me, she has been trying to be understanding.
now today 3 weeks later, i am here thinking now what? i been here for 23 yrs and all i did in those 23 yrs is wait and try to survive just to end up living as myself one day. i recently started working although the pay is very little, i started to save for my top surgery. i should be able to do it in a couple of months hopefully. i still don’t know if i will disclose that information with my dad (i won’t discuss that with my mother) but i am scared my dad would go against it so i am still thinking about it.
i pass 100% of the time in oublic because i do have pretty masculine features and a deep voice and have manly mannerisms BUT i am always mistaken to be a younger boy rather than a 23yr old man which is causing me too much dysphoria. also the fact that u have been waiting all my life to do this, idk howm uch linger i can wait, i really want to start taking testosterone but i dont know how my parents would take it. i do not want to upset my dad because he means the most to me. my mother still in denial will cause me a lot of trouble.
the reason i am posting this is to ask parents, after a good talk with the psychologist and getting a better understanding, partial acceptance from my dad and my mother still in denial, when would it be or what is the way where it could be alright to actually slowly transition medically with hormones? do i talk about it? do i let my psychologist sit with them a couple more times to introduce the idea or hint at it? do i just wait more? should i just do it and put them on the spot suddenly? i need a parent’s pov.
TO CLARIFY: my dad is NOT supportive of me medically transitioning since it goes against my religion.