u/Unlucky_Love8647

I know, I know, I should be congratulating myself for getting through college, and I am proud of myself for doing so, especially as someone who's a first-gen college graduate. However, this thought has been itching at the back of my mind for a few weeks, and I really need to let it out somewhere.

I've always struggled with my weight and binge eating. Even at my lowest weight since early childhood (~145lbs at 11-12), I was still labeled as the "fat kid" (because I was, lol) and got shit for it. However, recently I hit a new peak weight of 212lbs (5'0" height), which I had no idea I had reached until I went to a hospital for an unrelated issue and was weighed. I had never reached 200lbs prior to this, so I guess this weighing finally woke me up to how bad my obesity has gotten because from that day forward, I became interested in committing to a weight loss plan. So far, I have lost about 10lbs in 2 months, primarily from cutting down ~500-700kcal from my caloric intake. I don't really feel much difference so far, but at least it's some progress.

The thing is, I've always hated being in photos and videos due to insecurity built up from years of bullying and living with narcissistic parents. There are rarely any family photos of me saved due to me constantly fighting (futilely) against being on camera. Even on my private personal accounts, I rarely post any photos of myself, especially full-body pics. So, when I was sent a screen recording of my college's graduation livestream where I received my diploma cover, it's safe to say that I had a pretty novel experience with seeing myself in motion, full-body, for perhaps the first time without the buffer of avoidance. And boy, was I hefty. Straight up waddling across the stage like fucking Penguin from Batman. I was appalled. I've always witnessed other similarly or more obese people interact with the environment, and I never felt that I operated in that same way, even though I knew my weight was obviously making me physically weaker and unhealthy compared to my peers. However, seeing myself in the third person shattered whatever disconnect I had maintained between the scale number and the severity of my condition.

I feel so embarrassed for being ignorant of how badly I've damaged myself. Yes, I've been diagnosed with autism/ADHD and depression, and yes, binge eating has been something I've always struggled with, especially as a coping mechanism during bouts of severe depression (SAD, hello), but none of that changed what I saw on that screen. I really fucked myself up for everyone to witness and laugh at, and I lived in constant denial of it because I didn't want to hurt myself further when I was already doing so by stuffing myself so fucking much. I guess this now means I should take care of my health more seriously, but I'm still trying to figure out how to move forward. How do I fix myself without letting shame being the primary motivator? I feel like shame has caused me to be avoidant for most of my life, and I'm worried that relying on it now will push me back to the same cycle that got me here in the first place. I also don't have the greatest support system, as I don't really have any friends and most of my family is also overweight and don't give a shit about health-related stuff.

TL;DR: I saw myself on a livestream of my college graduation and it made me realize how bad my obesity was, and I'm embarrassed of myself even though being embarrassed is what led me to be ignorant in the first place.