u/Upstairs_Map8306

TLDR

So we have been friends since highschool , and now that we are in college , even closer , i liked him alot , i dont know how to pinpoint my feelings . i want him to be a part of my life , sometimes i really want to kiss him, and i kinda also want to sleep with him. Recently we realised we were acting wayy closer than "just friends". And then we decided to tackle this feeling, we both confessed , but i wanted to focus more on my studies and career and he respected my choices , we decided to stay as friends .And after a few days later , i though t deeply and "what if i dont like him the way he likes me" , cus i genuinely never wanted to be in a relationship , i always wanted that bachelorette life , somewhere in western europe and stuff like that . I also thought i was incapable of being loved , i struggle with PCOS and body dysmorphia , and no matter how thin i get , or how much i try to change myself , i always end up hating myself , i m moody and i feel that i m difficult , i also have very toxic parents who would constantly try to degrade me specially with my looks , and every time someone ever calls me pretty , i just think that they are lying .

So a few days ago , this guy noticed that i was hiding smth , and prolly not wanted to talk abt it , so he gave me an opening " what if we find our potential partners in our fields? i genuinely want us to be happy , like u dont need to force urself to like me , i value our friendship more" . And i told him everything on my mind, he was patient and he said to "take ur time , i m not going anywhere , i will always be there for u " . He is the most wonderful person i have ever met , sure we have differences , tho we always communicate out of it , we have our own ugly side and we never tried to hide it . Like i genuinely like him so much , but idk if i want him to be partners with someone who hates themselves so much . Like i dont want ppl to love me as i cant love myself . We are still communicating and everything is so exhausting for me , my mind is going so fast . We decided to give each other some space , and i got withdrawal syndrome , like my whole day was spent so awfully , i would go back to seeing our old texts , had all my drafts written in my notes app, like maybe i do love him, but idk i have never felt this ever . I have had crushes , but i dont think abt them unless i see them . And this is the first time i have ever felt this way . Idk how to handle this , I hope i dont lose him .

Ok so backstory , we are really good friends , immediately clicked even though we ignored each other in junior high , and recently we both have gotten very close to each other . The thing is , i m an Ace and he also believed he was Aroace , cus none of us had ever had a crush before , so it felt like a nice platonic friendship. But , we both were starting to like each other as "more than friends" , like it was very evident , he confessed first ( i m a coward) and was super understanding abt it , and i got excited and said that i feel the same , cus i do like him more than a friend . And we were quite happy abt it , tho the thing is , i dont want to ruin our friendship if we ever breakup , so i decided to stay friends until we had the emotional maturity to take decisions , cus u also dont find the love of ur life at 18 anyways . Fast forward a few days later , i m past the "honeymoon phase" and think deeply abt my feelings , and i feel like smth is missing , like i want him to be a long part of my life , and its not like he is lacking in anything , he is patient, understanding, we have the same beliefs, and he is the most wonderful guy ever.
Also , i have never had someone confess to me , i also struggle with PCOS and body dysmorphia , i have stretch marks and i feel disgusted looking at them , i just think i am not good enough for him.

He has also had so many girls confessing to him , and they were so much prettier than me, i feel that i am not good enough for him.

And he definitely noticed that smth was going on with me , so he reassured me that even if i dont like him back , its ok , cus he wants to preserve our friendship the most , and i kinda folded and told him everything abt how i felt , and that i felt i wasn't good enough for him, and he was super sweet abt it . When i said that i feel pathetic abt my own problems and feel that i cant be loved by anyone before i love myself , he said that its alright we can go at my pace and that he is always waiting for me and isnt going anywhere and kinda wishes i felt the same cus he wants to be s bit selfish and that i was someone important to him and he couldn't ask for anyone better . We cried a lot abt our feelings and him being so sweet abt it , just made me feel like the worst person ever , we decided to give each other a bit space , and he said that he is always willing to hear if i have reached any conclusion regarding my feelings .

Ok so backstory , we are really good friends , immediately clicked even though we ignored each other in junior high , and recently we both have gotten very close to each other . The thing is , i m an Ace and he also believed he was Aroace , cus none of us had ever had a crush before , so it felt like a nice platonic friendship. But , we both were starting to like each other as "more than friends" , like it was very evident , he confessed first ( i m a coward) and was super understanding abt it , and i got excited and said that i feel the same , cus i do like him more than a friend . And we were quite happy abt it , tho the thing is , i dont want to ruin our friendship if we ever breakup , so i decided to stay friends until we had the emotional maturity to take decisions , cus u also dont find the love of ur life at 18 anyways . Fast forward a few days later , i m past the "honeymoon phase" and think deeply abt my feelings , and i feel like smth is missing , like i want him to be a long part of my life , and its not like he is lacking in anything , he is patient, understanding, we have the same beliefs, and he is the most wonderful guy ever.
Also , i have never had someone confess to me , i also struggle with PCOS and body dysmorphia , i have stretch marks and i feel disgusted looking at them , i just think i am not good enough for him.

He has also had so many girls confessing to him , and they were so much prettier than me, i feel that i am not good enough for him.

And he definitely noticed that smth was going on with me , so he reassured me that even if i dont like him back , its ok , cus he wants to preserve our friendship the most , and i kinda folded and told him everything abt how i felt , and that i felt i wasn't good enough for him, and he was super sweet abt it . When i said that i feel pathetic abt my own problems and feel that i cant be loved by anyone before i love myself , he said that its alright we can go at my pace and that he is always waiting for me and isnt going anywhere and kinda wishes i felt the same cus he wants to be s bit selfish and that i was someone important to him and he couldn't ask for anyone better . We cried a lot abt our feelings and him being so sweet abt it , just made me feel like the worst person ever , we decided to give each other a bit space , and he said that he is always willing to hear if i have reached any conclusion regarding my feelings .

TL;DR

Ok so backstory , we are really good friends , immediately clicked even though we ignored each other in junior high , and recently we both have gotten very close to each other . The thing is , i m an Ace and he also believed he was Aroace , cus none of us had ever had a crush before , so it felt like a nice platonic friendship. But , we both were starting to like each other as "more than friends" , like it was very evident , he confessed first ( i m a coward) and was super understanding abt it , and i got excited and said that i feel the same , cus i do like him more than a friend . And we were quite happy abt it , tho the thing is , i dont want to ruin our friendship if we ever breakup , so i decided to stay friends until we had the emotional maturity to take decisions , cus u also dont find the love of ur life at 18 anyways . Fast forward a few days later , i m past the "honeymoon phase" and think deeply abt my feelings , and i feel like smth is missing , like i want him to be a long part of my life , and its not like he is lacking in anything , he is patient, understanding, we have the same beliefs, and he is the most wonderful guy ever.
Also , i have never had someone confess to me , i also struggle with PCOS and body dysmorphia , i have stretch marks and i feel disgusted looking at them , i just think i am not good enough for him.

He has also had so many girls confessing to him , and they were so much prettier than me, i feel that i am not good enough for him.

And he definitely noticed that smth was going on with me , so he reassured me that even if i dont like him back , its ok , cus he wants to preserve our friendship the most , and i kinda folded and told him everything abt how i felt , and that i felt i wasn't good enough for him, and he was super sweet abt it . When i said that i feel pathetic abt my own problems and feel that i cant be loved by anyone before i love myself , he said that its alright we can go at my pace and that he is always waiting for me and isnt going anywhere and kinda wishes i felt the same cus he wants to be s bit selfish and that i was someone important to him and he couldn't ask for anyone better . We cried a lot abt our feelings and him being so sweet abt it , just made me feel like the worst person ever , we decided to give each other a bit space , and he said that he is always willing to hear if i have reached any conclusion regarding my feelings .

am i doing the right thing?

Ok so for context , I had moved countries in highschool , and enrolled in a religious school by my parents . I didn't speak the normal and knew english , so I didn't exactly have any friends .

There was this other kid , who moved from Saudi , and he also spoke mainly english . That was the point that became best friends throughout highschool and now even when attending different colleges , we are still bestfriends .

However the whole interactions feels so weird after I became agnostic , our convos don't involve religion at all and it's mostly science (we both are stem majors) .

He is a hafiz and I understand that it's like the top rank in islamic hierarchy , funnily he is kinda doesn't know much abt religion and theology as much as I do .

I don't wanna expose myself as an exmuslim , but I also want him to see that islam isn't that pretty .

Like I don't wanna lose him cus we have been bestfriends for so long , and currently the only person I talk to .

I think their maybe some chance for him to see the truth , but maybe not a at the cost of our friendship

this happened like yesterday , when we were packing to vosit my grandma , my mum mentioned abt buying me an abaya .

I legit never said no faster in my life

And i retaliated by saying that there is no abaya in the quran , so ill just stick to the hijab .

And she yried her best by wooing , guving the example that my 7th grade cousin wears it , so what ? am i supposed to put it on cus he wear it ?

And then she told me that it is our culture , and the community we live in s very admant abt the abaya , or else the men will throw acid at your face BICH WHAT THE FUCK ???

LIKE FR? what is this behaviour ?

I srsly just wanted to due at that moment , everyone is questioning abt the abaya but not abt yhe acid throwing wtf is this culture ????

WE later compromised to me wearing only when we visit that tiwn cus i m not dressing up in that stupid cloth for my whole lie, one day when i get out of this country , i will legit burn all my hijabs and abayas !!