u/VagalumeCeg

Come dice il titolo, ho timore di non saper scrivere. Mi spiego.

Ho sempre amato scrivere, ma non ho mai saputo di cosa.

Recentemente ho cominciato a scrivere una storia, e dopo aver superato le diecimila parole sto cominciando a prenderci gusto. Questo mondo vive, sia nelle pagine, sia nella mia testa, giorno e notte.

Il problema? Non riesco a pensare a niente se non mentre scrivo. E se avevo in mente qualcosa, non riesco a seguirlo. Nel momento della scrittura i personaggi prendono direzioni completamente inaspettate, come se fossero entità a sé che fanno quel che cavolo gli pare.

Non riesco a delineare una sorta di schema, come per esempio quando ho scritto la tesi all'università.

Ho timore di non avere la disciplina o il metodo per far evolvere questa cosa in un qualcosa di bello.

Mi piacerebbe ascoltare i vostri consigli. Mi farebbe davvero piacere.

L'aria trema

È il nodo alla gola

Culla che dorme

Vergogna che mi sotterra.

La nostalgia di un passato

mai condiviso.

L'attesa di un futuro

che non è nostro.

È l'attesa che trema

Rompe il ghiaccio

Di questo caldo

Che soffoca.

Mi soffoca.

E non vedo niente.

Solo il mio dolore.

L'illusione dell'amore.

Ti ho amato.

Ti amato tanto.

Ma il mio cuore

non mi hai donato.

​

I've been doing so many affirmations prior to sleep and listening to subliminals during everyday activities that I don't even feel sad, or at least not so sad as I am supposed to.

I learned that if the private foundation that gives scholarships for Phd is keeping the same requirements of last year - which is very likely to happen - I won't be able to participate, since my grades are not high enough.

I already participated to another call for scholarships and for now my score is not promising.

Last year, I participated to 11 calls at different universities in my country. My research project was worthy and interesting (teachers have told me that), but little funding and too many candidates made it very difficult to compete.

I decided to look abroad, but in Spain being admitted to a Phd program doesn't automatically give you funding.

I don't know how I am feeling honestly. Deep down there's a voice inside of me that believes that something unexpected will happen, but another part of me is feeling so resigned, like nothing seems to go toward my direction.

I've been seeing references of Barcelona since I had the first email with my supervisor (for example, yesterday I went to the kitchen and saw a package of my mum that sold an item to a buyer in Barcelona). I've been imagining myself living there with so little, if none, effort.

Internally, I am there, with funding, a sense of direction and fulfillment.

Of course I am also scared if I think of starting a Phd, but I don't care. I felt fear for every exam during my Bachelor and Master and they always went great, it doesn't define me and my skills.

What I feel now is that I have so much potential, but reality is turning its back to me.

It's been almost two years. Please give me some comfort.

I've been doing so many affirmations prior to sleep and listening to subliminals during everyday activities that I don't even feel sad, or at least not so sad as I am supposed to.

I learned that if the private foundation that gives scholarships for Phd is keeping the same requirements of last year - which is very likely to happen - I won't be able to participate, since my grades are not high enough.

I already participated to another call for scholarships and for now my score is not promising.

Last year, I participated to 11 calls at different universities in my country. My research project was worthy and interesting (teachers have told me that), but little funding and too many candidates made it very difficult to compete.

I decided to look abroad, but in Spain being admitted to a Phd program doesn't automatically give you funding.

I don't know how I am feeling honestly. Deep down there's a voice inside of me that believes that something unexpected will happen, but another part of me is feeling so resigned, like nothing seems to go toward my direction.

I've been seeing references of Barcelona since I had the first email with my supervisor (for example, yesterday I went to the kitchen and saw a package of my mum that sold an item to a buyer in Barcelona). I've been imagining myself living there with so little, if none, effort.

Internally, I am there, with funding, a sense of direction and fulfillment.

Of course I am also scared if I think of starting a Phd, but I don't care. I felt fear for every exam during my Bachelor and Master and they always went great, it doesn't define me and my skills.

What I feel now is that I have so much potential, but reality is turning its back to me.

It's been almost two years. Please give me some comfort.

So, I’ve been studying the law of attraction lately, and almost every author agrees that we should feed our subconscious mind with positive thoughts. However, I’ve been running into a hurdle when it comes to my negative emotions.

I’ve always had the impression that allowing myself to feel sad, whenever I need to, is actually liberating. Letting my negative emotions flow can be — paradoxically — a way to feel better.

But whenever I find myself feeling sad, depressed, hopeless, or lonely, I start thinking: “Oh no, I’m feeding my subconscious mind these negative feelings and thoughts.”

So I try to switch back to more uplifting stories in my head… but I don’t know.

I’m starting to think this might be the reason why I can’t seem to manifest effectively. Maybe I actually need to feel and think through this negativity.

What do you think? Has this ever happened to you? How did you overcome it?

Thanks in advance.