u/VanillaChaiLover

So, I let my ex back into my life briefly. I had gone no contact and she ended up coming to my apartment drunk as can be saying she can’t live without me. She’s married now so it all felt strange to me to have her say that.

I agreed to meet up with her to hang out. We tried talking about things that happened in the relationship but she just deflected and blamed me. DARVO is her tactic of choice.

Anyway, I had developed a habit of incessantly messaging her to talk about my feelings. She called me toxic and said I can’t handle my emotions well. My trauma therapist said desperately trying to communicate with an abuser is the result of years of bread-crumbing, invalidation, and tactics like DARVO. I understand that’s probably true but I still feel ashamed.

What’s even more shame inducing is that I went no contact again recently and had a bad trauma response where I reached out to her and she ignored me. Talk about embarrassing and debilitating. I’m back to no contact now.

I feel like she is a hypocrite for saying I’m toxic and can’t handle my emotions when she’s destroyed almost every connection she’s had and lives with a bottle to her face.

REACHING OUT** not reading

I made the mistake of once reaching out to my abuser after going no contact. I messaged frantically for 24 hours straight, even her mom. Idk why I did that this time after going no contact. They ignored me, which is their right.

She had left a voicemail after I blocked her when I went no contact. Maybe she said to leave her alone but i didn’t listen to the whole thing.

I feel like her and her new wife and her mom all sat there laughing at me and saying how toxic and crazy I am. Idk why this thought hurts. Maybe it’s because I know my ex is a bad person and she gets away with a lot. She cheated on her wife already and doesn’t tell her. Yet she will take anything she can from her wife. And her mom enables her.

I’m early in my healing but I’m thinking of starting a blog to help myself and others heal.

Has anyone actually done this before and did you find it helpful to you?

I’m not ready to date seriously yet. I still have a lot of healing to do. I was very abused. I’m just curious though if anyone in a similar place was able to eventually find a healthy and happy love?

Right now, I don’t trust anyone but my hope is to heal for me first, and then to maybe let someone in.

Also, WHERE do we find love?? I’ve tried some of the sites because in person meeting isn’t an option for me. Hinge, Taimi, Facebook dating, HER, Bumble, POF, and OKCupid are the ones I’ve tried.

My ex cheated on her new wife and also cheated on her ex wife chronically. She will never tell her wife what she did because she says she doesn’t want to lose what she has with her.

Does cheating usually get found out? I am no contact with my ex and don’t want her back because we tried to be friend but she just found new ways to abuse me. I just want her to face some justice I guess.

My building had a no trespass order on a bad ex of mine.

On the paperwork, it gives no date for expiration. When I called the police station to check that fact, they told me it does expire in a year.

Does anyone know what’s actually true?

Hi everyone,

I made the mistake of reaching out to a absive ex after I went no contact and I’m feeling deeply ashamed for it. She ignored me so there’s some hurt there too, but I also know she’ll always find ways to abse me. It was really bad this last time letting her in as a friend, as usual with all our interactions.

I just feel like I’ve lost my power and now I look like the toxic one. I don’t see my trauma therapist until next Friday but what are sone ways she will try to help me work through this? It’s deeply painful. I hate this trauma bond and just want it to go away.

Hi everyone,

I made the idiotic mistake of reaching out to the narc after I went no contact. I begged for another chance as if I was the one who messed up. I am just so disappointed in myself.

Now, it looks like I’m the toxic person while she’s the healthy one.

I lost my power 😭

Please don't judge me. I've done something terrible and regret it wholeheartedly.

I went no contact with my abuser in March. April rolls along and she found a way to contact me somewhere and say her "final goodbye" to me. She said she's married now to a woman she met online in February. She said she doesn't think a friendship is possible between us and that she hopes I find someone who loves me as much as she did. A month later she sends me another message because I had no way to block her and we were figuring out a new email for me, which I have now so she can't do that anymore. In this new email she says she is thinking of me. It was 2 days after Mother's Day and mine is gone.

Two days later she shows up at my home drunk and saying she can't live without me. I am very trauma bonded to her so I let her back in. We hung out and she started making moves on me and I said it made me uncomfortable but she pressed on so I gave in because I am very bonded to her. The last time she cheated with me I said no and she said I should do it if I like it. So I gave in. Im not excusing myself but I am just trying to explain how it happened.

On the 9th we got into an argument because she said she was going to pride with her wife and I just remember a time we went to one and had a hard time because of arguing. She immediately accused me of wanting her miserable because she said I am. I said that's not what I'm doing and then she told me she's valid but I never said she wasn't? I don't understand where that came from. I decided to go no contact because I don't want this anymore in my life. I've always begged this person for validation when they clearly don't give a you know what. She's also told me I wasn't allowed to talk about how the cheating made me feel to her because it was something she had a hard time dealing with. She left a voice mail but I couldn't listen to all of it.

Over the weekend after this I had a mental breakdown and reached out to her and her mom. It was a lot of messages. She stonewalled me and never responded. I needed this person's contact but didn't want to keep pressing so I haven't reached out since. My life is also improving since then. I have been able to shower and eat and also clean and haven't in a long time!

I just don't understand why I reached out to her and why I was so broken. I'm ashamed of myself for a few reasons but also because I reached out and have given my power away. Please help.

So my ex came back into my life after I was no contact for 2 months. I gave in and tried to be her friend. She is married now but we ended up doing inappropriate things with each other. She never allowed me to talk about how it made me feel to her and my therapist said she even coerced me into things because I had said no.

Anyway, we got into a fight about something else and I walked away. A week later I had a bad experience with a trauma bond and incessantly messaged her to give me another chance. I even messaged her mom because I initially didn’t want my ex to have my new number.

Now, I’m afraid because I did all of that that she will place a restraining order on me even though my last message said I wouldn’t contact her anymore. She may not do it because I also know she’s cheated on her wife and wouldn’t want that risk of being exposed but she would also probably keep her wife out of the courtroom. I’m nervous. She didn’t block my new number. She just let me keep messaging and I’m scared it may have been for evidence.

I know of a person who has cheated but claims it was self sabotage. Maybe it was but they also have a long history of chronic cheating so I don’t know. Just trying to understand the psychology of it I guess.