u/VermicelliPlusMao

idk idk wtf am I doing, why am I in agony- I was SA'd when I was 12 and my parents said that it's normal and I'll have worse things done to me in college, and that well keeps echoing, keeps echoing, idk

I keep crying

I hate everything, why do my ears hurt, why does my head hurt, I hate this fucking neurodivergence, not a single hour of my life where I'm not in some kind of pain, I hate having weirdass executive dysfunction, why am I still coping 5 hours later, haaaww I'm supposed to work, why is this so difficult and agonizing, how am I supposed to study for jee like this

Why was I not born cis, I got ache of not having uterus, well how do I begin to explain anyone, nvm nvm ignore, my parents hate their daughter, they paid someone 10k to "fix" me, that could get me a year's worth of meds but nah nah

I hate everyone everything I'm tired, I hate existing, I got no energy to vent, this took me a fucking hour, idk what to do, I got no thoughts, I can't think, non cogito, ergo non sum, am I even real

But WHYY MEEE??? WHY TF DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME AAAAAACHCHCTXTXYBKBVHCUGIVKBL----

byiee

[TW: Self Harm/ Sexual Assault]

So I am 16 MtF living in closet in Northern India (Bundelkhand), very Conservative region. Can't come out to anyone honestly. I fear getting discovered maybe that'd mean getting homeless. Last night I had a dream, should I say nightmare? in which they found out I'm a girl and everyone mocked me and did not accept me. Also my parents are very unsupportive, I mean I don't really have any real relationship with them atleast since I was 12.

Even before that life was not too great, My mom is too religious and suffered from hallucinations and stuff, was disfunctional for many months, I feared her dyin. Still is too religious and forces things on me, I don't want to : ( Too bad they don't care about my mental health.

They yell at me all the time like about how I keep wasting time, don't do anything, keep coming online(but where else do I be a girl? life offline is so dysphoric aaahh), once they tried to check my laptop and I was soo scared that they will find me out. They don't care about my mental health really, I feel ill all the time. I think there is some issue, like I'm allergic to sunlight in someway, it causes me headache within like 5 seconds and some other scars on skin? Very nice trait if one lives in India huh? Also I don't like bright lights or loud sounds they just cause me distress, I some days don't feel like eating, or doing anything honestly. It was even worse before I realised I'm a girl because I knew that I wanted to care about myself but felt too lazy(??) to actually do anything, just tired. I want to get checked but how do I? what do I do?

All this and then dysphoria, although I began to question like 18 days ago but then my dysphoria became intense like real intense, it got soo bad that I was unable to think anything, my mind just revolved around my identity, also was unable to really respond to anyone because of misgendering. idk this might sound too dramatic, but I'm jus tellin my experiences. I began to have restless nights, and I got really desperate to do something about it, I searched around and figured out that I'll have to do HRT on my own, so one day I took some money from home and bought Estradiol Valerate 2mg and I felt soo calm that day, I never experienced that level of silence and comfort in my life, somedays later I got some 50 mg spironolactone, I do know its kinda unsafe and I should get my blood tested and things are soo expensive for me, how do I manage to collect 990 + 140 rs every month, I feel so worried about that, but atleast not as dysphoric. I shaved all my body few days after that, although I ran the razor dry on my body for some reason, am such a jerk and somehow managed to avoid a haircut. Anyways, 12 days on Estrogen now. Yesterday I forgot to take Spironolactone and couldn't sleep.

Also I never realised it prior but now when I look back I felt dysphoria since I was like 12, I didn't have words to define things back then. I never really had good experience with school, I was sexually assaulted and humiliated by some kids in my class in front of my whole class and no one did anything, some laughed, It took me 4 years to accept that was a SA, also when I went to camp, I didn't like how things were there(I figured out that this was undiagnosed dysphoria, how was being forced to behave), the constant verbal abuses by army people there, I felt so bad and then the People there bullied me, once I just lost my senses, felt like crying and attacked the throat of that person and broke down into tears, I just remember being dizzy and doing something, It did create them a wound on their throat,

I have to prepare for JEE and it causes me soo much stress on top of all that, last year I was doing so much but I feel so wasted, days pass infront of me and I just sit being unable to really do anything, sometimes I feel like ending it, and I once did use glass shard on my wrist but it didn't go too deep thankfully, I want to live as a girl, doing girly things whatever that means, but that means I'll have to wait. How do I study, so much syllabus exam's in January, I feel like crying, wtf is this life?? I want to do something? How else will I transition if I don't move out to go to college, I feel so trapped. I want to study but how do I????????? Please help mee someone

[TW: Past Self Harm/ Sexual Assault]

So I am 16 MtF living in closet in Northern India (Bundelkhand), very Conservative region. Can't come out to anyone honestly. I fear getting discovered maybe that'd mean getting homeless. Last night I had a dream, should I say nightmare? in which they found out I'm a girl and everyone mocked me and did not accept me. Also my parents are very unsupportive, I mean I don't really have any real relationship with them atleast since I was 12.

Even before that life was not too great, My mom is too religious and suffered from hallucinations and stuff, was disfunctional for many months, I feared her dyin. Still is too religious and forces things on me, I don't want to : ( Too bad they don't care about my mental health.

They yell at me all the time like about how I keep wasting time, don't do anything, keep coming online(but where else do I be a girl? life offline is so dysphoric aaahh), once they tried to check my laptop and I was soo scared that they will find me out. They don't care about my mental health really, I feel ill all the time. I think there is some issue, like I'm allergic to sunlight in someway, it causes me headache within like 5 seconds and some other scars on skin? Very nice trait if one lives in India huh? Also I don't like bright lights or loud sounds they just cause me distress, I some days don't feel like eating, or doing anything honestly. It was even worse before I realised I'm a girl because I knew that I wanted to care about myself but felt too lazy(??) to actually do anything, just tired. I want to get checked but how do I? what do I do?

All this and then dysphoria, although I began to question like 18 days ago but then my dysphoria became intense like real intense, it got soo bad that I was unable to think anything, my mind just revolved around my identity, also was unable to really respond to anyone because of misgendering. idk this might sound too dramatic, but I'm jus tellin my experiences. I began to have restless nights, and I got really desperate to do something about it, I searched around and figured out that I'll have to do HRT on my own, so one day I took some money from home and bought Estradiol Valerate 2mg and I felt soo calm that day, I never experienced that level of silence and comfort in my life, somedays later I got some 50 mg spironolactone, I do know its kinda unsafe and I should get my blood tested and things are soo expensive for me, how do I manage to collect 990 + 140 rs every month, I feel so worried about that, but atleast not as dysphoric. I shaved all my body few days after that, although I ran the razor dry on my body for some reason, am such a jerk and somehow managed to avoid a haircut. Anyways, 12 days on Estrogen now. Yesterday I forgot to take Spironolactone and couldn't sleep.

Also I never realised it prior but now when I look back I felt dysphoria since I was like 12, I didn't have words to define things back then. I never really had good experience with school, I was sexually assaulted and humiliated by some kids in my class in front of my whole class and no one did anything, some laughed, It took me 4 years to accept that was a SA, also when I went to camp, I didn't like how things were there(I figured out that this was undiagnosed dysphoria, how was being forced to behave), the constant verbal abuses by army people there, I felt so bad and then the People there bullied me, once I just lost my senses, felt like crying and attacked the throat of that person and broke down into tears, I just remember being dizzy and doing something, It did create them a wound on their throat,

I have to prepare for JEE and it causes me soo much stress on top of all that, last year I was doing so much but I feel so wasted, days pass infront of me and I just sit being unable to really do anything, sometimes I feel like ending it, and I once did use glass shard on my wrist but it didn't go too deep thankfully, I want to live as a girl, doing girly things whatever that means, but that means I'll have to wait. How do I study, so much syllabus exam's in January, I feel like crying, wtf is this life?? I want to do something? How else will I transition if I don't move out to go to college, I feel so trapped. I want to study but how do I????????? Please help mee someone

[TW: Self Harm/ Sexual Assault]

So I am 16 MtF living in closet in Northern India (Bundelkhand), very Conservative region. Can't come out to anyone honestly. I fear getting discovered maybe that'd mean getting homeless. Last night I had a dream, should I say nightmare? in which they found out I'm a girl and everyone mocked me and did not accept me. Also my parents are very unsupportive, I mean I don't really have any real relationship with them atleast since I was 12.

Even before that life was not too great, My mom is too religious and suffered from hallucinations and stuff, was disfunctional for many months, I feared her dyin. Still is too religious and forces things on me, I don't want to : ( Too bad they don't care about my mental health.

They yell at me all the time like about how I keep wasting time, don't do anything, keep coming online(but where else do I be a girl? life offline is so dysphoric aaahh), once they tried to check my laptop and I was soo scared that they will find me out. They don't care about my mental health really, I feel ill all the time. I think there is some issue, like I'm allergic to sunlight in someway, it causes me headache within like 5 seconds and some other scars on skin? Very nice trait if one lives in India huh? Also I don't like bright lights or loud sounds they just cause me distress, I some days don't feel like eating, or doing anything honestly. It was even worse before I realised I'm a girl because I knew that I wanted to care about myself but felt too lazy(??) to actually do anything, just tired. I want to get checked but how do I? what do I do?

All this and then dysphoria, although I began to question like 18 days ago but then my dysphoria became intense like real intense, it got soo bad that I was unable to think anything, my mind just revolved around my identity, also was unable to really respond to anyone because of misgendering. idk this might sound too dramatic, but I'm jus tellin my experiences. I began to have restless nights, and I got really desperate to do something about it, I searched around and figured out that I'll have to do HRT on my own, so one day I took some money from home and bought Estradiol Valerate 2mg and I felt soo calm that day, I never experienced that level of silence and comfort in my life, somedays later I got some 50 mg spironolactone, I do know its kinda unsafe and I should get my blood tested and things are soo expensive for me, how do I manage to collect 990 + 140 rs every month, I feel so worried about that, but atleast not as dysphoric. I shaved all my body few days after that, although I ran the razor dry on my body for some reason, am such a jerk and somehow managed to avoid a haircut. Anyways, 12 days on Estrogen now. Yesterday I forgot to take Spironolactone and couldn't sleep.

Also I never realised it prior but now when I look back I felt dysphoria since I was like 12, I didn't have words to define things back then. I never really had good experience with school, I was sexually assaulted and humiliated by some kids in my class in front of my whole class and no one did anything, some laughed, It took me 4 years to accept that was a SA, also when I went to camp, I didn't like how things were there(I figured out that this was undiagnosed dysphoria, how was being forced to behave), the constant verbal abuses by army people there, I felt so bad and then the People there bullied me, once I just lost my senses, felt like crying and attacked the throat of that person and broke down into tears, I just remember being dizzy and doing something, It did create them a wound on their throat,

I have to prepare for JEE and it causes me soo much stress on top of all that, last year I was doing so much but I feel so wasted, days pass infront of me and I just sit being unable to really do anything, sometimes I feel like ending it, and I once did use glass shard on my wrist but it didn't go too deep thankfully, I want to live as a girl, doing girly things whatever that means, but that means I'll have to wait. How do I study, so much syllabus exam's in January, I feel like crying, wtf is this life?? I want to do something? How else will I transition if I don't move out to go to college, I feel so trapped. I want to study but how do I????????? Please help mee someone

[TW: Self Harm/ Sexual Assault]

So I am 16 MtF living in closet in Northern India (Bundelkhand), very Conservative region. Can't come out to anyone honestly. I fear getting discovered maybe that'd mean getting homeless. Last night I had a dream, should I say nightmare? in which they found out I'm a girl and everyone mocked me and did not accept me. Also my parents are very unsupportive, I mean I don't really have any real relationship with them atleast since I was 12.

Even before that life was not too great, My mom is too religious and suffered from hallucinations when I was 10 and stuff, was disfunctional for many months, I feared her dyin. Still is too religious and forces things on me, I don't want to : ( Too bad they don't care about my mental health.

They yell at me all the time like about how I keep wasting time, don't do anything, keep coming online(but where else do I be a girl? life offline is so dysphoric aaahh), once they tried to check my laptop and I was soo scared that they will find me out. They don't care about my mental health really, I feel ill all the time. I think there is some issue, like I'm allergic to sunlight in someway, it causes me headache within like 5 seconds and some other scars on skin? Very nice trait if one lives in India huh? Also I don't like bright lights or loud sounds they just cause me distress, I some days don't feel like eating, or doing anything honestly. It was even worse before I realised I'm a girl because I knew that I wanted to care about myself but felt too lazy(??) to actually do anything, just tired. I want to get checked but how do I? what do I do?

All this and then dysphoria, although I began to question like 18 days ago but then my dysphoria became intense like real intense, it got soo bad that I was unable to think anything, my mind just revolved around my identity, also was unable to really respond to anyone because of misgendering. idk this might sound too dramatic, but I'm jus tellin my experiences. I began to have restless nights, and I got really desperate to do something about it, I searched around and figured out that I'll have to do HRT on my own, so one day I took some money from home and bought Estradiol Valerate 2mg and I felt soo calm that day, I never experienced that level of silence and comfort in my life, somedays later I got some 50 mg spironolactone, I do know its kinda unsafe and I should get my blood tested and things are soo expensive for me, how do I manage to collect 990 + 140 rs every month, I feel so worried about that, but atleast not as dysphoric. I shaved all my body few days after that, although I ran the razor dry on my body for some reason, am such a jerk and somehow managed to avoid a haircut. Anyways, 12 days on Estrogen now. Yesterday I forgot to take Spironolactone and couldn't sleep.

Also I never realised it prior but now when I look back I felt dysphoria since I was like 12, I didn't have words to define things back then. I never really had good experience with school, I was sexually assaulted and humiliated by some kids in my class in front of my whole class and no one did anything, some laughed, It took me 4 years to accept that was a SA, also when I went to camp, I didn't like how things were there(I figured out that this was undiagnosed dysphoria, how was being forced to behave), the constant verbal abuses by army people there, I felt so bad and then the People there bullied me, once I just lost my senses, felt like crying and attacked the throat of that person and broke down into tears, I just remember being dizzy and doing something, It did create them a wound on their throat,

I have to prepare for JEE and it causes me soo much stress on top of all that, last year I was doing so much but I feel so wasted, days pass infront of me and I just sit being able to really do anything, sometimes I feel like ending it, and I once did use glass shard on my wrist but it didn't go too deep thankfully, I want to live as a girl, doing girly things whatever that means, but that means I'll have to wait. How do I study, so much syllabus exam's in January, I feel like crying, wtf is this life?? I want to do something? How else will I transition if I don't move out to go to college, I feel so trapped. I want to study but how do I????????? Please help mee someone

Very firstly, I'm in closet and can't come out to anyone

So, my parents were forcing me to get a haircut this morning and I kinda felt the terror and dysphoria I would feel they got too small, so i just kept telling them no, and they said I was being unreasonable and that one should have a haircut every month and said something like there should be not much weight on head because then it makes it difficult for you to think. Eventually I told them that i want to grow them till my shoulders, and then they said something like I'm being too jungle-ey(wild) and what will other people say about them, and then they went away, after returning my dad said threateningly that he'd use scissors on my hair at night(I don't think he will) or something and i should get a haircut. They say that I must have a reason, i told them it's for apperance but that apparently is not a reason.

Anyways, the threat is away how long does it take to grow till shoulders though? I'll move out in approximately a year

I just can't hold myself together. I couldn't really sleep last night because i felt very lonely and then there's this constant dysphoria that exists due to which I'm unable to Focus on anything offline. My mind just keeps revolving around who i am. I am just incapable of doing any work at this moment and just to be relieved I come here, atleast I get to be a girl here.

So when I slept it already was like 5 am and then woke up 7 30 am because I began to feel restless again. I was talking to this trans girl and I kinda liked it but then my parents entered the room and that was such a horrible hour for me. My mom is such a liar that she said that she never entered the room when I clearly remember her being there so she just lied and then it was implied that I was online constantly till 8 am. I was hurled many abuses about how I'm a failure, I just waste time and how they shouldn't have given me birth and they yelled at me and threatened that I'd be kicked out, atleast it didn't get physical so that's good. But I they were using all masculine verbs and that hurt twice. I tried to unhear things as much as I could. They also tried seeing my history but luckily I was using a second browser. I was soo scared, cuz had they known I was trans they'd have definitely kicked me out. Then they locked away my laptop and I remained miserable all day.

I mean I've heard all this often but I'm not alright right now. I just seem to be going crazy. I'm incapable of thinking anything in long term, incapable of having a conversation because they would just misgender me every sentence and i feel distressed continuously. I wouldn't feel like responding cuz that's exhausting af. Also then my heart's pounding so hard and it just never seems to end and there always remains slight pain there and I'd be shaking. Also I'm craving estrogen so bad but what do I do. I just can't. I don't know how I'll remain in closet for a year. I feel so trapped.

Also I feel very weird, like I was completely normal or felt like I was completely normal guy and now the thought of being a guy is scaring me so bad that I feel I'd get depressed and km/s. I don't know but I feel I'm taking things too fast or whatever. I thought I'd read gender dysphoria bible but I'm scared that it might just somehow prove that I'm not trans and then I'd have to live as a guy I don't want to, that thought alone causes me a head ache and even more distress for me.

Now idk if anyone's reading this or what, I feel I need to frequently need to talk to trans people to feel alright

Please forgive me for any vocabulary error I commit. I know nothing what's offensive, what's not.

Very firstly, I get misgendered very often. My name is feminine and those wouldn't know me would misgender me. Also I'm accused of being too emotional and sensitive. I have some sort of issue with sunlight and it causes me headaches within seconds and some marks on skin. Apparenty, for all those I get called a girl. And it is supposed to insult me but I feel very pleasant. Like some sort of excitement.

Then I don't like facial hair and body hair at all. It feels wrong. This should not be on my skin. But I've seen other guys in my class get mocked and get called slurs for not having beard. But I don't want it. I'd wonder if there is something wrong? I'd like to have long hairs. i want to wax but I don't think I can without giving any hints. I like She/her for myself no problem

Importantly, I've been feeling restless about wanting to be a woman. An increased heartbeat ,a slight pain in my chest I think and I've begun to feel trapped. I think I might experiment as a female on the internet and the idea already is bringing me joy.

But if I really am trans then it's bleak. I don't think there is a question about transitioning whatsoever. I already know I'll get no support. I know no LGBT+ person irl. I haven't heard of them from others too. Parents know nothing about this LGBT+ stuff and what it is. Binary is the norm. I don't expect anything more when it already has been bad with them, with friends maybe some. maybe with some I can get support I don't really know. I have no idea about the laws and i think it got worse for trans people this year. I'm gonna stay trapped forever. am in India(North India) Bundelkhand, specificallly.

Note: I had made the above text 9 hours ago and then 4 hours ago I experienced internalised shame and disgust for feeling such a thing but the feeling of being trapped has gotten back at me although it's milder than 9 hours ago

Note 2: 5 hours later than Note 1,It did return. I do feel very desperate and can't hold myself together. I wanna be a girl so bad. All those symptoms happened but at more severe-ness. I can't focus on anything but me anymore.