AITJ for judging my MIL’s eating habits and blaming her for the unhealthy relationship with food I married into?
I’m going to start this by admitting something that probably isn’t going to make me look great: I’m fatphobic.
I grew up with a very fatphobic mother, and I absorbed a lot of that. I’ve been judgmental about obesity and people’s food choices for most of my life. I’m aware of it, and I’m trying to recognize when that bias is influencing how I see people.
The irony is that I’m also obese.
I’m 25 and 5 feet tall. After having my children, I eventually reached 251 lbs. I started actively working on my health in January and I’m currently around 220 lbs and plan to keep going.
I’ve also used weight-loss medication, so I want to make one thing VERY clear from the beginning: I have absolutely no problem with weight-loss medication. I don’t think it’s cheating. I don’t think people should have to “earn” medication by losing weight naturally first. I actually WANT my MIL to take it.
My issue is everything surrounding it.
My MIL is also around 5 feet tall and, if I had to estimate, somewhere between 400–500 lbs. I’ve been with my husband for seven years, and throughout our entire relationship she has complained about her weight.
She previously wanted bariatric surgery but wasn’t able to get it because of insurance issues. She has talked about wanting to lose weight countless times.
But she seems completely unwilling to change the way she eats.
She describes herself as an extremely picky eater. She’s so picky that during holidays and family gatherings, other family members will sometimes make an entirely separate meal specifically for her because she won’t eat what everyone else is having.
She eats a lot of very calorie-dense, heavily processed foods. Think enchilada casserole, King Ranch chicken, broccoli-and-cheese casserole with lots of Velveeta, canned and processed ingredients, etc.
She eats very few vegetables unless they’re covered in cheese or incorporated into something like that.
She also basically refuses to drink water.
And I’m going to be completely transparent: I judge her for it.
I’m not sitting across the table having perfectly compassionate, neutral thoughts about her food choices. Sometimes I’m watching her eat while thinking, How can you constantly complain about your weight and then continue eating like this?
Her husband has diabetes and over the last couple of years has started taking his health much more seriously. He’s lost a significant amount of weight and has repeatedly tried to get her to eat healthier with him.
She refuses.
My husband and I have tried encouraging her too. She’ll sometimes decide she’s going to make healthier choices, do it for a couple of days, and then go right back to her normal habits.
Recently something happened that made this much more emotional for me.
We were at my niece’s outdoor birthday party, and my MIL became dangerously overheated and had a heat-related medical scare. She had to leave the party and go home.
It scared us.
There are also three little grandchildren involved. My husband and I have two young children, and my SIL has a two-year-old. The kids absolutely adore their grandma. My oldest especially has become incredibly close to her, and losing her grandma would absolutely devastate her.
After the incident, my husband and I again encouraged MIL to take her health more seriously.
She lives about four hours away, so she drove home.
The very next day, she went to a soul-food buffet.
She then joked that she had eaten a vegetable because she ate broccoli…covered in cheese.
Then, a couple of days later, we all went out to eat together. She ordered two appetizers plus her entrée.
Meanwhile, she’s planning to start Wegovy.
And again: GOOD.
I genuinely hope she takes it. I hope it works amazingly for her. If medication can help her lose a significant amount of weight and improve her health, I’m completely supportive of that.
My frustration is that she seems to view the medication as the entire solution rather than a tool that can help her make sustainable changes.
I’m not expecting her to suddenly survive on grilled chicken and salad. I’m not expecting her to become a fitness influencer. I’m not saying she can never have Velveeta or eat at a buffet again.
But drink some water. Find a few vegetables you actually enjoy. Reduce your portions. Try some less processed foods. Let your husband make healthier meals for both of you. Make some changes.
And there’s another layer to this that makes me question whether my reaction is really about her health as much as I tell myself it is.
I resent the relationship with food that my husband grew up with.
I met my husband when I was 18.
Before him, my diet and lifestyle were completely different. I was an athlete. At home I mostly ate things like chicken and vegetables. Fast food wasn’t something we regularly ate.
Then I started living with my husband.
I was 18, I barely knew how to cook, and suddenly I was trying to figure out how to feed two people.
My husband had very particular tastes. He had grown up eating lots of processed foods, heavy casseroles, cheese, fatty foods and fast food, with very few vegetables.
Those foods weren’t “bad choices” to him. They were just normal food because that’s what he’d grown up eating.
So I adapted.
Instead of really learning how to cook the foods I’d grown up eating, I learned how to make things he liked. We started eating significantly more fast food because it was easy and because he liked it.
Then I got pregnant at 18.
Convenience won a LOT.
Over the years, his normal gradually became our normal.
I went through two pregnancies, became a mother, and somewhere along the way I gained around 100 lbs.
I know that’s ultimately my responsibility.
My husband didn’t force-feed me. My MIL certainly didn’t. I’m an adult, and I’m responsible for what I put into my own body.
But I also don’t think it’s realistic to pretend our environments and the people we build our lives with don’t influence our habits—especially when you’re 18, pregnant, learning how to cook and figuring out adulthood at the same time.
And my husband learned his relationship with food somewhere too.
He grew up eating the way his mother eats.
So, if I’m being completely honest, I blame my husband for some of my weight gain.
And I blame his mother too.
Probably more than I have a right to.
There’s a part of me that looks at her and thinks, You raised your son to eat this way. I married him at 18, adapted to the way he ate, and now I’m having to unlearn it.
I’m 25 now. I work a demanding corporate job, I have a six-year-old and a one-year-old, and I work about an hour away from my house.
I actually LOVE healthy food.
My problem isn’t that I’d rather eat fast food than vegetables. My problem is time.
Cooking dinner after working all day, commuting and taking care of two small children is exhausting. Finding time to exercise is difficult too, and I don’t particularly enjoy exercising.
But I’m trying.
I started at 251 lbs in January and I’m currently around 220.
I’m taking medication to help me.
I’m trying to make better food choices. I’m trying to exercise. I’m trying to make cooking healthier meals work within my schedule. I’m trying to change the environment in my own house instead of just focusing on the number on the scale.
And I think that’s why watching my MIL bothers me as much as it does.
When I watch her eat, I’m not just looking at her food anymore.
I’m looking at the eating habits my husband grew up with.
I’m looking at habits that eventually became part of my own household.
I’m looking at the 100 lbs I’m now trying to lose.
And I’m looking at my daughters and thinking, this stops here.
But there’s another problem with that thought.
I don’t want to pass my family’s dysfunction down to them either.
I grew up with fatphobia. I know what it’s like to have body size moralized. I don’t want my daughters growing up terrified of becoming fat or believing that someone’s body determines their worth.
So I’m trying to figure out how to break BOTH cycles.
I don’t want to teach them that vegetables are disgusting, water is optional, fast food is an everyday meal and ultra-processed food should be the default.
But I also don’t want to teach them that cheese is “bad,” fat people are disgusting, gaining weight is a moral failure, or that they should feel guilty every time they eat something unhealthy.
I want them to understand that food can be delicious, convenience foods are fine sometimes, their bodies don’t determine their worth, and taking care of those bodies still matters.
Which brings me back to my MIL.
Some of my feelings genuinely come from fear.
I love her. My husband loves her. My children absolutely adore her. Watching her have a health scare was frightening, and the thought of my oldest losing her grandma at a young age breaks my heart.
I want Wegovy to work for her.
But some of my feelings aren’t nearly as noble.
I’m judging her.
I’m frustrated.
I’m resentful.
There’s a part of me thinking, I’m exhausted too. I don’t have time either. I don’t enjoy exercising either. I’m using medication too. But I’m still trying to change.
And there’s an even uglier part of me that looks at her and sees the lifestyle I’m desperately trying to get myself and my family away from.
I know she isn’t responsible for my body.
I know my husband isn’t responsible for my body.
I know she’s an adult and I’m not responsible for hers either.
But sometimes, fairly or unfairly, I look at my MIL, look at the habits I’m trying to undo in myself and my household, and think:
This started with you.
So AITJ for judging my MIL’s eating habits and resenting her for the unhealthy relationship with food that I feel like I married into, even though I know I’m ultimately responsible for my own choices and that some of my feelings are rooted in my own fatphobia?
TL;DR: I’m obese and actively working on my own health after gaining 100 lbs, but I’m struggling with resentment toward my 400+ lb MIL, who has complained about her weight for years while refusing to change her eating or hydration habits. I support her starting Wegovy, but I’m realizing I judge her partly because my husband grew up with those same eating habits, I adopted many of them after we got together at 18, and I’m now trying to break that cycle in my own family while acknowledging that my weight is ultimately my responsibility.